Because you are heavy?

[mintycake]

I am overweight and was telling my dp I was going to start going to the gym. He asked why, because you are heavy? I was taken aback I said do you mean fat because fat is better than heavy. He said I don’t like using that word but okay are you going because you are fat? I was very upset about this I mean I did say I would prefer the use of fat but to be honest I would have just preferred some encouragement. Now I don’t feel like going at all and feel even more self conscious. Am I wrong to be offended? He has apologised and said I don’t see you that way. Which I can’t get my head around because if he didn’t see me that way he wouldn’t have used the words heavy or fat. He is now in a bad mood with me because I am upset.

With all respect, if you are fat you are fat. I am fat too. Overweight if you prefer. He loves you now he will love you just the same when you get rid of the excess weight. Why do people get offended at this? We know when we are fat surely. It's no hidden secret. You'll be ok.

This

But you are fat, you've said, you're fat and you know you're fat and you re going to the gym because you're fat

Also i say this as someone who has battled with weight as well, and I am currently overweight and trying to lose it - it is a choice
I didn't get fat exercising every day and eating salads and fruit
I got fat because I moved too little and I ate too much.

There's no comparison by pointing out someone who has a big nose because that's not their fault. They were born that way

No you wouldn't point out your partner has a bih nose because there's not a lot they can do about it but there is a lot that can be done about being fat and it was a choice.

Poor bloke!

Perhaps give him a thesaurus for Christmas where you e circles all the words you find acceptable.

He was tactful and you forced him into being blunt ??

ok so... my dh is also fat 21 stone and I actually now weight him weekly ( instead of his weight loss group he was fed up of) or he will never lose it. We talk openly about it all the time. Plan food choices etc. It's important when you love someone to help them. Weight off means better health so its really nothing to get upset over talking about.

Agree with every word of this post! Was going to type exactly the same thing!

I thought it sounded like your dh was not automatically assuming you were going to the gym to lose weight and was clarifying that with you, and although he worded it clumsily, it sounded supportive to me.

He may have been thinking what we have all come to learn recently that food intake is even more important than exercising when it comes to weight loss.

And I don’t understand why your exercising or not depends on his words? That is giving far too much power to another person. You are responsible for your decisions op and no one else. Not doing something is also a decision! With exercising you have to do it consistently when you are feeling disappointed, let down, cross, tired or whatever, just carry on regardless. Good luck 💐

If I told my dp of 30 years I was going to the gym and he said that, then I'd use it as inspiration rather than try and use it as an excuse to not do anything, where will that get you, fatter still? How else do you want him to describe you? And I'm not skinny either but I don't get overly sensitive if someone says it, seems you're really getting touchy about this.

I'm actually with you OP, he might have said "Oh that's a great idea! What are your aims?" or similar, especially as, as others have pointed out, the gym will improve your health, fitness, strength etc but it's changing your food that would help more with actual fat loss. His words were a bit clumsy, that's for sure. Anyway, hope you go as it's a great plan to do everything you can to improve your own fitness 💪🏻😀

This. If I were him I would feel like you set me up to fail some test only you knew about.

Well I think we are getting a bit tied up in the weight. It’s not about me having gained weight. Although that seems to be the view that most are jumping on.
To clarify I’m not huge I have just gained some weight. I am aware that I have and I am aware that he can see it too. I’m not in denial. Yes I am dieting as well as rejoining the gym.
I have been thin, I have been average weight, I have been above average. I know what to eat and how to exercise to loose weight I have done it before.
This is about lack of tact and not being hurtful to those we love. To think before we speak.
But we all have different standards of how we live our lives and different expectations of what we find acceptable.
Personally I am careful not to hurt those I love with clumsy words but maybe I’m just wired different ❤️

I had a doctor tell me I was 'enormous'. That was fun.

I expect he just couldn’t hide his joy and excitement that you’ve identified the issue with your weight and are planning on doing something about it! Being overweight puts a strain on your health, he’ll want you to be fit and healthy as all loved ones do. He’s on your team, don’t allow your own insecurities to put him down.

You aren’t wired differently, he just hit a nerve with his comment. We all have things we’re overly sensitive about.

OP. Congratulations on wanting to take more care of yourself and perhaps lose some weight. However, you do sound as if you think you are better than everyone else. All your talk of sparing feelings and how you are wired to be sensitive but your comments it actually comes across as dismissive to all of the posters who have taken the time to reply to your question. Perhaps you need to consider the feelings of others more and not sulk because most people don’t agree with you. Don’t set traps or play word games with your partner. It is not kind.

I think the bit that we’re disagreeing with is your finding the comment tactless. I think quite a lot of us are thinking that ‘heavy’ sounds more polite than ‘fat’ so I was surprised you took exception to that. I’ve seen loads of women use ‘heavy’ as a euphemism for fat when describing themselves. It certainly sounds less offensive to me, but I’m not large so probably don’t get to have an opinion on whether it’s offensive or not. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well, if he’d have said, “Great stuff Lard Arse! About time too-you’re become a right fat knacker!” I could understand you being upset because phrasing it like that would be unkind. I agree with pp that you set him up to fail and there was no way he’d say the right thing in this situation. Heavy seems to be a word used more in the USA to describe fat people if Facebook is anything to go by (which it might not be). I don’t care for it myself. Fat is just a descriptor. It needn’t have judgement although I know it usually does. I suspect there’s a lot of us that when fat hope that our loved ones will tell us we aren’t. That does us no favours. Honesty is always best but I get that you are upset by his phrasing. I think you’d have been unhappy with whatever he said and found fault.

Good on you for going to the gym. Exercise is a great thing for body and mind. Try to let this go and focus on your health. You’ve got this.

The poor guy wS just asking you a question. People go to the gym for many reasons!

Don’t think I am better than anyone, like I have said we all have different expectations. I do try to spare peoples feelings where possible. I am kind with my words these are facts not me trying to say I’m better. I’m not sulking I have enjoyed reading each and every comment.

I’m not sure how I set him up to fail as the because you are heavy was already a fail and I had nothing to do with that. Other than say I was joining the gym.

FWIW, I’m going to go against the grain here and agree with you.

If you asked, ‘do you think I’m heavy?’ and partner gave an honest answer, that’s different.

I think it a bloody weird and insensitive comment to make and I wouldn’t consider myself easily offended.
A simple, ‘ok’ would’ve sufficed if they couldn’t be arsed to say something a bit more encouraging.

I don’t think he’s said anything wrong

I get the fact that you would like a more positive sentence, but he expressed a honest question. Why? because you are heavy/fat? That sound to me like he did assumed your weight was the primary reason for you and wanted to know if he was right.
If you answered, yes and I would like to be fit as well. He may or may not reassure you, but you did not give him that option. You call him out with some semantics, and I am with him in this one. Unless, of course he has told you you are heavy/fat in other conversations trying to make you feel bad on purpose, that will be a complete different story.
I think you took it wrongly and there was not a intention in the question other than curiosity.
Regarding my feelings and his feelings, sometimes we forget that everybody has them and there is no need to be expressing ours in every little misunderstanding or conversation. In another moment with you in another mood what he said could pass inadvertently or not, what I know is ours feeling depends of other feelings like how tired, stress etc we are.
I wouldn't give it a second thousand enjoy the gym.

Have you ever seen that picture of two people looking at a number drawn on the floor?
One person is seeing a 6 and the other is seeing a 9. And they are both arguing about who's right.

This is my feeling about this whole thread.

OP, to you the words 'heavy' and 'fat' hold a very negative connotation. You woudn't use those words because you're struggling emotionally with your weight. You somehow believe that your weight defines your beauty or your worth. So when someone states the obvious and tells you that you're fat, you feel hurt. But that's just your interpretation of the word. Fat, to you, is a degrading word. It's not. It's just an adjective.

Is it possible that for your husband, the words 'heavy' and 'fat' don't hold the same negative value? And that to him, they are just descriptive words, used to state an observable fact? That they in no way diminish his image of you, your beauty or your worth? That he didn't use them to tear you down, but just to acknowledge what's happening?

He even tried to adapt. He used the word heavy (which, as being overweight myself I would actually prefer). He then adapted to another word, as per your preference. So maybe, since he's willing to be mindful of your sensitivities, you could just tell him what words you'd like him to use going forward?

Oh FFS.
The appropriate response to someone saying they are joining a gym is
Great/Good for you/Which gym?/Are you thinking of classes or just using the equipment?/I’ll sort dinner/kids/dog that night.

Not ‘Because you are heavy?’

It’s not difficult.
I dare say most people could respond without using the words heavy or fat.

Op - you are just going to have to tune it out and get on with making the changes. Don’t focus on this - it’s a distraction or an excuse - think about what you want to achieve and go from there.