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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Escalated scary situation with husband

103 replies

Lollalolly1 · 26/07/2025 23:24

Hi all.
i posted last night about a situation with my husband. Basically splitting after alcohol abuse, using escorts and being vile to me. This is all escalating very quickly. I took advice and started to grey rock him, giving polite but non engaging answers. He has spent the day belittling me and being nasty and calling me names in front of the kids. I’ve tried not to escalate it and keep it all happy for the kids but it’s impossible. He is even being horrible to them now.
Ive just had my son in crying his eyes out over why we argue so much (i dont argue i just try to pacify). I’ve tried to reassure him and comfort him but I can’t control my husbands behaviour. He was also sat downstairs earlier, messaging loads of women to meet and have sex with.
I’ve gone down after the kids went to sleep to try to make some peace and begged him to just be nice to me in front of them. He basically told me to fuck off and he doesn’t care, He is sat with bottles all around him, looking as pale as a ghost, been drinking from 11am.
I really need him to leave as this is so damaging to the children. However he hasn’t done anything that I could say to police or whatever that’s bad enough as he is so subtle in how he operates.
I was ok but now I’ve seen my son like this I’m utterly heartbroken. What can I do? I’m happy for him to see other women as long as he stops this in front of the children. It feels so damaging and I can’t do anything about it. Any advice please?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
MadameTwoSwords · 27/07/2025 10:05

Please update us when you can. You can't stay another night in the same house as him. And please, please, do not leave the children with him today. He will emotionally abuse them. This is an emergency. Go to the police station and tell them what he did last night (including booking prostitutes) emphasing the verbal abuse of the children. There must be a friend or relatives house you can go to, nobody would turn you away if you show them this thread and how he's spoken to you in the past.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 27/07/2025 10:13

I hope you're okay. You've had a lot of good advice and I hope you can put some of it into action to get your ex out asap.

BlueandPinkSwan · 27/07/2025 10:13

Him messaging lots of women to meet up with and sex with makes him a total dirty slag before the rest of the shit is added.
Hope you get the help that you and the kids need and that you are safe from this twat.

ZingyLemonMoose · 27/07/2025 10:14

Lollalolly1 · 26/07/2025 23:39

He is supposed to be moving out this week but I feel it’s so damaging to the children and I really want him gone like yesterday, I can’t reason with him or get him to be civil, Being an alcoholic doesn’t mean they can make him leave does it?

Verbal abuse is still domestic abuse. In front of the children, it is harmful to them too. I would report this to the police, not least because if he goes to court and tries for custody, you can demonstrate that he is unfit.

TakeMyAdvice · 27/07/2025 10:19

He is being verbally aggresive towards you.
Uou dhould phone the police. At the very least
; contact the police for advice about this.
Visit a police station, take advice from an officer.Ch8ldren are involved here.
Also ,your safety is at risk.
He is being verbally aggressive and causing upset to the kids.
They may agree to do a home visit and talk sense into him re his behaviour."Persuade" him to leave.
It may prompt him to ' sober up'.
He is possibly drunk to avoid the reality of the situation.( you splitting up).
You need to try to spsak to him when sober, not angrey to make him understand how this is affecting his children.
He needs to leave sooner rather than later.
Keep notes.See a good lawyer.

Ellisace · 27/07/2025 10:36

Please Please ring the police, it is abuse, they are so trained for this now, they can take him away for the night giving you time to sleep and in the morning contact women's aid, a solicitor and anything else the police and women's aid advise. I would advise not to leave the children with him and to take an emergency family leave day to get some things in order. I personally would also get a restraining order. This would prevent him from being at the home. Please please please do not let him have access to the children, the mental abuse he is giving them now will affect them so much in the future, I know and my children are still dealing with the fallout.

Daygloboo · 27/07/2025 10:55

Lollalolly1 · 27/07/2025 00:17

Am I not overreacting then? He hasn’t threatened me or anything but he has just put us through mental torment all day. Is this classed as something that I can call women’s aid or something over or too trivial. I have no evidence of anything as it’s all subtle and never in front of anyone

But if he's making your children cry that is emotional abuse and it is evidence.

MeringueOutang · 27/07/2025 10:59

OP how are things this morning?

Robin67 · 27/07/2025 11:32

Stay safe OP.

MounjaroMounjaro · 27/07/2025 11:50

I'm so worried about you and your children.

Does he have any history of mental illness such as bi polar or a personality disorder? His frantic efforts to find sex workers seems very strange. Is that completely out of character for him? Has he had mood swings in the past?

Do you have family you could go to, even if that meant taking time off work?

wizzywig · 27/07/2025 11:57

Try the ncdv to get an emergency occupation order to prevent him being able to access the property.

NefertitHR · 27/07/2025 12:07

Lollalolly1 · 27/07/2025 00:06

Omg why do you say that? I’m actually feeling like a nervous wreck right now,

Show quote history

This.... please think of the impact witnessing the behaviour is doing to your kids.
By trying to placate him you are allowing tge behaviour. I did this for 20 years it didn't get better it got worse. Please act now, if you can. It's so bloody hard, but yiu CAN do it and YOU WILL come out the other side xx

EleanorRigby5654 · 27/07/2025 12:40

Lollalolly1 · 27/07/2025 00:17

Am I not overreacting then? He hasn’t threatened me or anything but he has just put us through mental torment all day. Is this classed as something that I can call women’s aid or something over or too trivial. I have no evidence of anything as it’s all subtle and never in front of anyone

Women’s Aid know all about how abusers work. Please contact them asap.

EleanorRigby5654 · 27/07/2025 12:42

Snackattacked · 27/07/2025 00:37

Its important to know that it is clashed as domestic abuse if your DCs sense, see or hear emotional violence towards you. This will have a huge impact on their mental health and the police and agencies are well aware of this. They are also aware that the risk of physical violence alongsid the emotional violence sharply increases at the end of a relationship. Throw in substance abuse and the risk increases again. Call the police if you feel scared. They may ask him to leave the property for a few days. Even if they dont you will be on their radar if the situation deteriorates.

This!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/07/2025 13:08

Hope you are OK OP.. Some good advice on this thread. Def take emergency leave and don't let him be in charge of the children today whilst you work. On top of everything else you don't want to leave a drunk in charge of children. Hope you get to safety soon x

MyHardySquid · 27/07/2025 13:32

Get out of there! If you have enough money take the kids and go and stay in a hotel for a few nights. Phone 111 and inform them off this - tell them how worried you are about him around the children etc. then start the process get a lawyer etc. do you have family?

supersop60 · 27/07/2025 13:36

Just let us know you’re ok if you can.

Jhun · 27/07/2025 13:36

It’s not trivial and this kind of abuse can be just as damaging as physical. Alcoholism changes people . So take care and get help, women's aid would take this seriously as should the police. Good luck x

Booboobagins · 27/07/2025 14:20

The police would be interested in this. He is drunk and abusing you and the children , just because he hasn't hit you does not mean its not a criminal offence.

Call the police, get him removed. They can impose an order so he can't come within a specific dustance of you and the kids.

Good luck, he's definitely lost the plot. I hope you and the kids can finally find some peace x

Booboobagins · 27/07/2025 14:21

The police would be interested in this. He is drunk and abusing you and the children , just because he hasn't hit you does not mean its not a criminal offence.

Call the police, get him removed. They can impose an order so he can't come within a specific dustance of you and the kids.

Good luck, he's definitely lost the plot. I hope you and the kids can finally find some peace x

InTriplicate · 27/07/2025 14:30

I wonder if it might be worth ringing 101 to ask about this. He sounds unwell. Maybe he could be taken as an inpatient if he is a danger to your family because of the alcohol?

Luckyingame · 27/07/2025 14:34

How gross. What a waste of oxygen.
Sorry for this situation.

Original poster
Lollalolly1 · 27/07/2025 20:13

Hi all. Sorry for the late reply. I’m fine and last night was fine. He has flipped to super dad mode today. Said he is sorry got his behaviour and it’s not who he wants to be. I think he had a mini breakdown or something. If you met him today (and didn’t know him) you would think he was super dad…taken them swimming, baked cakes, cleaned the whole house and cooked me a Sunday dinner. The kids seem happy so that’s made me happy. I’m obviously not blind to the fact that his mental health problems aren’t mine to fix and the move out plan is still in place. I messaged the woman he was due to meet and warned her and she said she thought he was creepy and was never going to meet him anyway. How I was able to stop him moving to the next target. Feel like I will be able to sleep tonight in an alcohol free house x

OP posts:
NameChangedOfc · 27/07/2025 22:08

Please, @Lollalolly1 , do not let down your guard. Stay safe and protect your children. You never know when he'll flip again. This is like psychological torture, especially for the children.

KaleQueen · 27/07/2025 22:56

It’s a good update that you’re safe. But it’s also another red flag how easily he can flip into super dad. What you described him as earlier ‘grey, drinking since 11am, surrounded by bottles, being vile to you. Remember. That is also who he is. That’s not okay or normal in any way. Any amount of apologies can’t erase that. He’s shown you who he is.