Escalated scary situation with husband

[Lollalolly1]

Hi all.
i posted last night about a situation with my husband. Basically splitting after alcohol abuse, using escorts and being vile to me. This is all escalating very quickly. I took advice and started to grey rock him, giving polite but non engaging answers. He has spent the day belittling me and being nasty and calling me names in front of the kids. I’ve tried not to escalate it and keep it all happy for the kids but it’s impossible. He is even being horrible to them now.
Ive just had my son in crying his eyes out over why we argue so much (i dont argue i just try to pacify). I’ve tried to reassure him and comfort him but I can’t control my husbands behaviour. He was also sat downstairs earlier, messaging loads of women to meet and have sex with.
I’ve gone down after the kids went to sleep to try to make some peace and begged him to just be nice to me in front of them. He basically told me to fuck off and he doesn’t care, He is sat with bottles all around him, looking as pale as a ghost, been drinking from 11am.
I really need him to leave as this is so damaging to the children. However he hasn’t done anything that I could say to police or whatever that’s bad enough as he is so subtle in how he operates.
I was ok but now I’ve seen my son like this I’m utterly heartbroken. What can I do? I’m happy for him to see other women as long as he stops this in front of the children. It feels so damaging and I can’t do anything about it. Any advice please?

We own it and he is supposed to have a move date next week. All I want is a peaceful home for the kids until he goes. I can’t understand why he doesn’t want this for out gorgeous kids. I want to be able to co parent with him but I can see it’s impossible. As soon as he leaves I’m changing the locks and getting a dog. Grey rocking him just angers him. I’m considering playing the game and saying I’m sorry and it’s all my fault just so he lays off me. I don’t care if he has sex with other woman now (planner for Wednesday), just as long as he stops this

The two youngest share a room and the eldest has his own. I’m supposed to be working tomorrow while he has them. He takes them to do nice things and swimming etc but when I’m there he turns, I can’t not ever go to work again so I’m stuck

Does anyone know a women’s help chat kind that is open now? They all seem to be closed and I can’t call 😭

Yes I have. I have my own decent job.

Really? I’m worried that if I call them, he will make stuff up about me and then ss will target me. He is very manipulative and would do this

You can contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline, they're available 24/7. There's no point trying to have a rational conversation with someone who has been drinking for 12 hours.

As for him being nasty to the children can you keep them out of the house? Relative, soft play, park, play date, friend, event. Keep them away from your husband as being around an abusive drunk is very damaging.

Since he's escalating, pack a bag for you and the children. Keep your phone charged and on you. Make sure you have access to money.

You might find this helpful:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

Hi

Sounds really tough for you all right now. Remind yourself that this is a transitional period and this pain and fear won’t last. A chapter in your life is ending and endings are often difficult & painful.

You have a new chapter awaiting. You know your dynamics better than anyone on here. You need to do whatever you can to de-escalate the tension in the house. If he is feeling enormous shame then any mention of his past behaviour is likely to fire him up.

Personally, I’d be packing them off to Granny’s if possible or asking friends if they can stay over with them for a few nights.

You’ll get through this.x

Its important to know that it is clashed as domestic abuse if your DCs sense, see or hear emotional violence towards you. This will have a huge impact on their mental health and the police and agencies are well aware of this. They are also aware that the risk of physical violence alongsid the emotional violence sharply increases at the end of a relationship. Throw in substance abuse and the risk increases again. Call the police if you feel scared. They may ask him to leave the property for a few days. Even if they dont you will be on their radar if the situation deteriorates.

They are brilliant at spotting this stuff, from what I can gather from the other post he hasn't been abusive until he's been caught out playing away and now has done a full turn around to being vile. It seems like you've longed for a loving home for your family so there may have been some abuse before this, sometimes it takes a chat with womens aid to uncover this. You need to contact them tomorrow. It sounds like his ego is majorly dented and he could be very unpredictable, you need this documented with someone asap. I would strongly suggest taking some personal time from work to be with your kids. Regards to his housing has he signed a rental agreement ect?

Drinking until he looks ill, messaging women for sex?

He sounds absolutely fucking pathetic. If you feel safe doing so, film him so you can show your kids the kind of man he is when they're older. And for God's sake don't put an ounce of stock into anything he says to you.

He's realised that he's losing/lost power over you, and lashing out because that's the only way his pathetic mind can deal with it.

I know you've said that he's never been physically abusive before, but if he's drinking for that long, things can escalate very quickly. Follow PPs advice and either get yourself and your kids out or get him gone.

Hi op please get away as soon as possible
These abusers escalate the abuse so quickly I know you've said he's never been physical but it will end up physical.....he is also.abusing your children please get out ...are you able to text a helpline ? Send an email ? I have found this information and I really hope you contact them and email them.....if you are not able too you are always more than welcome to private message me and I can contact the police women's aid etc for you xxx

He has been in the past. Before children he was horrible, caught him with another woman and when I confronted him he said ‘go have the bastard baby on your isn’t. I then lost that baby in miscarriage, He used to pretend he didn’t know my friends and would say who the fuck is this and he pretty much hated s I like. Locked me out in the snow, cut up my Christmas girls etc. He used to call me a cunt most nights but then it stopped for a good amount of time, loads of stuff really just edged in over time. I know I’m a total idiot for staying with him previously. I can’t believe what a fool I am and all the pain I must have caused the kids by staying. The thing is. 95% of the time he is mr nice guy. The sort who helps anyone and will go out of his way to do it. Everyone loves him. I’m hiding my phone as he has previously thrown it out of the window so I can’t contact anyone xx

The screenshots with the text and email info of whom to contact to get you help and advice asap are "under review" by Mumsnet at the moment hopefully they will be reviewed and put up.asap xxx

Just some more information there is help ....I am so sorry you are going through this what a disgusting animal he truly is.you sound like such a lovely person please reach out to the professionals before it's too late xxxx

I really doubt they would do anything my ex broke in with a Bally on and gloves and they took 7 hours to come whilst I had locked me and my children in the front room with a chair keeping the door shut.

my friend was getting attacked by her ex who had a knife and they took a hour to come.

another friend was stalked continuously for months and they didn’t come out once.

at best they would wellfare check if he has legal rights to be there they’d probably just ask him to leave. They might ring social services to help get you and your children safe but unfortunately I really doubt the police would come out just for a ex unless he has no legal rights to where you live and then they tell him to leave .

Woman’s aid is definitely the best way to go or social services as they take witnessing domestic violance as serious as physical abuse and as you can see what an amazing mum you are trying to be in getting your children safe they really will help you (I have been there myself they only take the children if you go back or don’t cooperate) they got me a new house cameras and stuff I feel so safe also get the holly guard app x

It will allow you to shake your phone if in danger and will ring the police and friends and family who are able to protect you it made me feel safe when I really wasn’t x

You're not doing anything wrong by ringing the police 101 to get advice on whether they should intervene. You need to get out

Hi @Lollalolly1

please be careful. Women are at their most vulnerable from partners turning nasty physically when you are about to leave them.

He sounds like a narcissist and does favours for others as a way of controlling their opinions and to manage his image.

have you got some good friends or family you can trust and confide in?

I hope you’re ok OP.

My lovely it doesn't have to be physical to be abusive. He is emptional/mentally abusive towards you and the children.
He is making you scared and has drunk a large amount.
The most dangerous time for a person is when they leave an abusive relationship and that is a well known statistic. It could escalate to physical, I hope not but he will feel like he is losing control of the situation. You need to keep yourself and the children safe.
So you can either call the police and say you feel unsafe and he is being abusive towards you and the children or you can remove yourself and the children. If he's asleep do you think he will be asleep all night?
I think the priority is yours and the Children's safety.
Once you're safe I think you need to call children's services and a domestic abuse charity. They will be able to help you with support and help.
I work in child safeguarding and trust me you need to get out of this situation

That's not true. It may be where you are based as to why the wait times are that way. I live in a more rural area and they were here within minutes for a non physical incident.

I am frightened for you and I am thinking of you. Please call the police or leave or even scream out of a window for help if he gets worse overnight. Can you and the children go to a hotel tomorrow?

I remember going to the kids' bedroom and sleeping there (not sleeping all night) with a heavy clothes rack near me, "just in case". Hope you get rid of him soon, OP.

Hi OP, I feel your frustration and pain. If it happens again maybe just call the police because what you’re going through is domestic abuse.