Escalated scary situation with husband

[Lollalolly1]

Hi all.
i posted last night about a situation with my husband. Basically splitting after alcohol abuse, using escorts and being vile to me. This is all escalating very quickly. I took advice and started to grey rock him, giving polite but non engaging answers. He has spent the day belittling me and being nasty and calling me names in front of the kids. I’ve tried not to escalate it and keep it all happy for the kids but it’s impossible. He is even being horrible to them now.
Ive just had my son in crying his eyes out over why we argue so much (i dont argue i just try to pacify). I’ve tried to reassure him and comfort him but I can’t control my husbands behaviour. He was also sat downstairs earlier, messaging loads of women to meet and have sex with.
I’ve gone down after the kids went to sleep to try to make some peace and begged him to just be nice to me in front of them. He basically told me to fuck off and he doesn’t care, He is sat with bottles all around him, looking as pale as a ghost, been drinking from 11am.
I really need him to leave as this is so damaging to the children. However he hasn’t done anything that I could say to police or whatever that’s bad enough as he is so subtle in how he operates.
I was ok but now I’ve seen my son like this I’m utterly heartbroken. What can I do? I’m happy for him to see other women as long as he stops this in front of the children. It feels so damaging and I can’t do anything about it. Any advice please?

It is true though. As you say, you live in a rural area, where there are generally less immediate response crimes than in cities, towns, housing estates etc.

People who live in metropolitan, high crime rate areas unfortunately get a much different level of service from the police.

I hate to say this, but if you feel you are in genuine danger, I think it's reasonable to stretch the truth to its absolute limits in order to ensure the police attend.

You don't need police involvement to leave your husband, Lolla. However I realise leaving is not a straightforward business, especially when kids are involved. Is there any way you could pack his bags and get rid of him, sorting out the property afterwards; maybe enlist someone else's help in doing so?

This is a desperately sad situation and I feel for you. x

Because it’s something you should be doing - given the circumstances.

I hope you get the help you need and keep you and your DC safe which may mean leaving.
Women's Aid and the police are your best bet.

Do you have somewhere you could go?

There's so many aspects of your H's behaviour that are not normal. You need to get out Asap

Op you need to leave today. Or he has to.

The police absolutely will attend to all domestic violence incidents. If you tell them you are too afraid to sleep, he is volatile, drunk and abusive and you are scared for your children they will tell him to leave.

Unfortunately he no longer cares how he behaves because he senses you have had enough, he is at his most dangerous now. You should be scared - that is keeping you safe.

You can not stay with him for another night. It’s too dangerous. Please make arrangements today.

Call into work and tell them you can’t come in. Then spend the day making a proper plan. Your safety is paramount, your children need to be protected urgently - he has turned against them, you can no longer trust him anywhere near dc op.

Hope you’re OK OP. I’d be speaking to the police if I was you, your situation is scary and you are vulnerable right now.
Police, Womens Aid, NCDV.
Get out, or get him out, ASAP.

Please go and stay elsewhere, I know it feels like you shouldn’t have to leave your own home (and you shouldn’t) but for everyone’s safety and for your own mental health, please take the kids to stay with a relative or friend. You will then likely see his absolute true colours. You can also then make any plans or contact the police form a safe space.

Just want to send you best wishes and lots of strength to get through this incredibly difficult time, OP. You will get through it and the important thing is how clearly you see the need to get yourself and the kids away from him.

Hi this sounds like coercive and controlling behaviour from him, which is a crime. You absolutely can call the police. Please do so. If you can record him doing it, that may be very helpful indeed. Also call women’s aid. I don’t want to scare you but coercively controlling men can become violent when they lose control so you have a potentially escalating situation on your hands which is why the police are so important.

I hope you are all okay this morning. Hopefully you can access some support today.

She shouldnt leave, she should call the police and just say she feels threatened and hes being abusive. Kick him out.
If he stays, he keeps the house.

Dont get a dog as that will add to stress levels.

aa soon as you next feel unsafe with dh, call police and ask for him to be taken out of house and not come back unless to collect stuff.

Staying in the house and abusing you is the last bit of control he has over you - he may not relinquish that even though he's said he'll leave next week. You know you can't trust him. Take back control yourself. As others have said, contact Womens Aid - they may be able to get you and your children space in a refuge which will keep you all safe and give you much needed support. Even if he does move out I would consider selling the house and moving where he can't find you. You can arrange supervised visits for the children on neutral territory. He is an abusive alcoholic, he won't change and you can't believe a word he says. Get out now.

I went through similar with my ex husband. I left eventually and lived in work accommodation. It was very hard but 16 years later I know it was the right thing to do.
Try and find some real life support to get you out

This is emotional abuse and you should phone the helpline another post gave you.

Oh OP I hope you managed to get through the night, please definitely call womens aid, refuge or the police you are 100% not overreacting just because the abuse hasn't turned physical yet. It is still 100% abuse. Xx

Family solicitor here! From a practical POV go to your GP on Monday and tell them what’s going on. If your finances work out low enough you can get legal aid and ask for an occupation order as well as use it for your divorce etc. you’ll need the GP letter to obtain legal aid.

I think the police would take this seriously. You and the children are not safe. If your husband doesn’t leave today I would call them.

You need to apply for an emergency occupation order and non-molestation order. You keep saying he’s never physically done anything but this is still abuse OP . This is emotional abuse and quite severe. The orders would mean he can’t just come back to the property when he’s out. Also all the previous comments re women’s aid and they can support you with these

Hi OP, I hope you are okay and somewhere safe x

You will have an audio recorder on your phone, keep it recording all the time and then you will have audio evidence of his behaviour to go to police.

I hope you are ok OP. You really need to just pack a bag for you and the kids and leave him as soon as possible. Do you have anywhere you all could stay for a while? Whilst you contacted Women's Aid etc.

The emotional financial abuse and the manipulation are classic in abusers.
Just because you can’t see the scars doesn’t mean he isn’t abusing you.

please contact women’s aid when you hear from then what he is going is wrong then you can find the confidence for the police.

You have changed tactic he is unnnerved. When abusers think they are loosing you they up the abuse . And when you are trying to leave it’s the most dangerous time . So yes it’s right you go to the police and let them know you feel that this is what’s happening here .

If safe to do so I would start recording on my watch or phone all these thngs

This IS abuse. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Get your kids away from this monster immediately and work out a plan later. His words will be damaging them, and their idea of a relationship, for life.