Concerned that this man isn’t actually single. Thoughts please.

[datinggames]

Would anyone else find this a little odd?

I started talking to someone new from OLD around 3 weeks ago. He lives almost 3 hours away, but we both drive. He has two kids from a previous relationship, while I don’t have any. He mentioned that he’s been single for 5 years, and his last relationship was with the mother of his children. We haven’t met yet since we’ve both been busy with work and other commitments. He’s currently away for a week (in the UK) with his kids, but we’ve agreed to meet when he returns.

We’ve been in constant communication through WhatsApp and have spoken on the phone a few times. A couple of incidents have made me question whether he’s really single. I'm not sure whether I'm being overly cautious because of previous experiences, so I would really appreciate your thoughts.

1. We had a phone call last week. We were talking for around 15 minutes when the call suddenly dropped. I tried to call him back, but it went straight to voicemail. He didn’t get back to me until 50 minutes later, explaining that his battery had died and his phone had just turned back on. I thought this was strange since most phones reboot after about 10 minutes once plugged in. He also didn’t return my call, even though we hadn’t finished our conversation, claiming he thought I had gone back to work and didn’t want to disturb me. I let it slide, but I couldn’t help but wonder if someone had walked in on him, causing him to hang up. Who knows.

1. He’s been gone since Monday. He’s currently at a caravan park near Great Yarmouth (not sure which one) and he hasn’t really talked to me since he left, saying the phone signal is terrible. It seems the signal is better in the town center but awful at the caravan park. Usually, he sends me a message once in the morning and once in the evening, with very brief notes like “thinking about you” and “I miss chatting to you.” I’ve asked him a few times, “are you having a nice time?” and “what have you been up to?” but he never responds to those questions. I’m beginning to wonder if he’s with someone else, which is why he can’t talk properly and only sends brief messages. Of course, if it were because he was spending time with his kids and focusing on them, that wouldn’t be a problem, but he claims it’s due to the phone signal. He sent me a message this morning saying, "I hope you haven't forgotten about me," and I didn’t know what to say.

Clearly, it's still early days, and I can easily cut things off if needed. However, I genuinely like him and wanted to meet him and see if things develop. This could all he completely innocent too.

Am I overthinking this?

I think your instincts are telling you something. Proceed with caution (as you already are).

Have you googled him? Checked social media? Done a bit of snooping/ due diligence?

“He mentioned that he’s been single for 5 years, and his last relationship was with the mother of his children”

Rubbish.

I’ve no idea why you’d be interested in a man who lives 3 hours away from you. Surely there’s suitable partners a lot closer?
He’s right about phone signal in caravan parks.
But that isn’t the point. If you can’t trust him and you’re gut is saying somethings off then chuck this one back. You live too far apart to be reassured by anything he says/makes up.

Sometimes my phone takes forever to come back on and there’s times I’ll go away with my daughter and not been in much contact with anyone.

I think you’re reading too much into it especially since it’s only been 3 weeks.

Signal is notoriously bad at the coast, it is awful in most of Norfolk to be fair 😄 so that bit could be true. I feel like at this early stage it could be something or nothing, I would just proceed with caution and see.

@Helianthusinbloom I understand where you're coming from, but distance doesn't bother me. I'd prefer to be with someone I connect with, even if they live hours away, rather than someone nearby who I don't connect with just for the sake of convenience. Plus, I don't have any ties to my current location, so I'm totally open to relocating for the right person. Of course, this would be something to consider much further down the line.

It's not that I don’t trust him, rather, my previous experiences have made me a bit paranoid. To be honest, I would likely feel this way with any man. It’s something I need to work on.

@Gotabadfeelingaboutthis To be honest, I searched on Google for "what's the phone signal like in Great Yarmouth" 😂. It said that it was poor, but I'm not from the area, so I wasn’t sure if that was true. I'm optimistic that it's just a minor issue because I really like him.

I mean, if he was with his wife or other partner then surely the messages he was sending you could easily be suspicious if he was caught?

Why would he not answer about if he was having a nice time? I'm just not too sure tbh.

Keep it cool as he definitely has plenty going on even if he's not got another partner.

Could he be single, but is away with the mother of his children?
my ex and I will be going on our second family holiday this year in august. First holiday was separate hotels, this one is separate rooms. Not even sharing a 6 person cabin on the ferry for one night only.
Difference is, I’d never hide that from someone I was chatting to/seeing as appreciate this wouldn’t sit well with everyone.
I would however hide it from my ex as no point in hurting him unless getting serious. I will prioritise my ex whenever with him for a long time to come I think.

Have you not searched for him on social media? 192.com look for his name and see who he lives with if nothing else.

I agree with a PP that you should set the bar higher.

I understand where you're coming from, but distance doesn't bother me.

3 hours away (150 miles?) is not going to work unless both parties are 100% committed.

He's got 3 kids- you've got none.
The logistics of a relationship with a man with 3 kids who lives 3 hours away is going to be hard. Surely he will spend at least every other weekend with them?

I'm optimistic that it's just a minor issue because I really like him.

You can't really like some man you have never met.
What's that based on? Some 'interesting 'phone calls and texts?

It's not that I don’t trust him, rather, my previous experiences have made me a bit paranoid. To be honest, I would likely feel this way with any man. It’s something I need to work on.

But come on- you don't trust him! And you seem to be saying you make this mistake time after time- being deceived by men.

You need to work on what's staring you in the face. Maybe you've been deceived because you didn't want to see the truth.

maybe he doesn’t want his children to know he is talking to someone? Just to play devils advocate? So if the signal
is bad he doesn’t then want to be on his phone whilst out with the kids?

@owlyboo this thought did cross my mind.

@datinggamesi don’t think it’s out of the question. Depending on the ages of his kids (especially if they’re teenagers) he probably wants to save any hassle of explaining he’s OLD, let alone speaking to someone unless it comes to a time he feels it’s serious. I have two kids, both secondary school age and I wouldn’t openly calling people in front of them as it would all be very cringey! So if signal was a problem it would be a quick text when I do have signal during the day. I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

I can't explain myself very well, but the crap signal doesn't properly explain the change in messaging style somehow...
I'm dating at the moment and my messaging style is like chalk and cheese depending on whether I'm with my son or not. But I'm v direct and just say 'I'm with my son, I'll message later' or tomorrow or whatever... It doesn't feel like he's being transparent, but just a feeling!

Why don’t you WhatsApp him and see if it delivers?

The main thing you need to be thinking about is if you would be willing to move to where this man lives. Because if you wouldn’t, just end it now.
He has children where he lives so he has the upper hand. You would be the one having to move to him.
So if you’re pretty set where you are and couldn’t imagine moving, having to get a new job and potentially having children where he lives (and away from your family etc) cut it off now.

The messages have been sent (2 grey ticks on WhatsApp), but to my knowledge, if he doesn't have a signal, they may not appear on his phone until he gets one. I'm not sure if that's correct or not.

@datinggames Do you not think that a decent man would behave differently?

IME a decent, genuine man would say 'It's been great chatting to you over the last 3 weeks, but I'm going away with my kids for a week. I will be busy and tied up, so don't worry if you don't hear much from me for a few days'.

Obviously this doesn't mean he isn't married but it would mean there wouldn't be this odd behaviour of cutting off a conversation and making no attempt to restore it.

Usually, he sends me a message once in the morning and once in the evening, with very brief notes like “thinking about you” and “I miss chatting to you.” I’ve asked him a few times, “are you having a nice time?” and “what have you been up to?” but he never responds to those questions. I’m beginning to wonder if he’s with someone else, which is why he can’t talk properly and only sends brief messages.

Please, listen to what you're saying here. If you have a history of being deceived with OLD, it's maybe because you are a) too trusting when the signs are there because b) you're desperate to be in a relationship.

Men can sense this. He's already treating you badly, 3 weeks in, yet you're hanging on and prepared to ignore being 150ish miles apart, he's got 3 kids and possibly won't want any more with any woman in the future.

Also, texting twice a day at the start of something is OTT in my opinion especially when you have never met.

Don't set yourself up for another rejection- you asked for opinions here yet all your replies show you're not wanting to accept the most obvious reason.

If he is in hopton then it is absolutely awful there for reception my parents go every year and I hardly get to speak or even text when they are there, my mum will call me when they go into town

@PrincessPammy Wow, there are quite a few assumptions in your post. To start, I’ve been happily single for almost 9 years, so I’m definitely not desperate for a relationship. If I were, I would have shacked up with any old fella by now.

Secondly , if I were truly ignoring his behaviour, I wouldn't have shared my thoughts here to begin with, would I? Sure, some people have chimed in to say it's strange and that I should consider ending things, but there are also a few who are familiar with the area and believe it's quite possible that the phone signal is poor, or he’s just busy with his kids etc - He has 2 kids btw, not 3.

Thirdly, he hasn't rejected me. In fact, I haven't replied a few times, and he's reached out to me, expressing that he misses me and hopes I haven't lost touch with him, among other things. I’m certainly not chasing him, or any man for that matter.

I’m open to hearing others thoughts and advice, but your post seemed rather judgmental imo.

why? I have been single over 6, since separating from my childs dad.

Maybe your 'judgemental' is my 'realistic'? I'm reading what you post and this is how I saw it.

Sorry but your post here is very different to your other posts.

If all you wanted were posters to say you don't need worry, I'm not one of those.

What comes across is that you are invested after just 3 weeks.
The fact you've been single for 9 years - well, that could mean you are desperate (it works both ways!) and you do admit to being deceived before.

It's not that I don’t trust him, rather, my previous experiences have made me a bit paranoid. To be honest, I would likely feel this way with any man. It’s something I need to work on.

But you don't trust him- hence your post.

You've not met this man. Have you seen photos oh him his kids, his home? Checked 192 or social media? Know his home address?

After 3 weeks of chatting you have no idea who he is. Everything he's told you could be a lie- no kids, no caravan, not in Gt Yarmouth. That's the sad reality of OLD and never having met.

I know you don't want my 'opinion' but it is that you should step back and let him enjoy his holiday with his kids. You aren't part of his life in any big way(no woman would be after 3 weeks and never having met.)

Men can say anything to wind a woman in and it can mean nothing, absolutely nothing, except inflate their egos and give them a kick.

So yes, you're right to be wary and if my agreeing with that isn't what you want yo hear, I'm sorry.

I think in general women are more likely to stay single than men after a breakup, whether it’s to prioritise children or simply less willing to put up with bullshit and sub standard men. Men however are often much quicker to look for a replacement and less discerning. I am of course generalising massively, but I do believe this is a trend. In this case, perhaps he hasn’t had what he would call a serious relationship since his wife, but I doubt very much that he has been totally single for that length of time. Given the flakiness he’s demonstrated with messaging the OP so far and the fact she has already got concerns, his declaration of single for 5 years sounds like a line to me. Giving the impression that he’s been waiting for the right woman and it just might be you. I don’t buy it.