Please be gentle

[whatafuckup1]

I don’t even know where to start. Last night H and I got into a heated row. Our toddler isn’t sleeping at the moment and wakes for a bottle then just doesn’t settle again, my H is a lorry driver and struggles when hasn’t had much sleep and gets impatient very quickly. He shouted at our toddler to go back to sleep. I was feeding our baby at the time and said to him to come back to bed and I’ll sort it as I’m much more patient.

He took that comment as an accusation and flipped saying I was accusing him of being a bad dad etc I just ignored him which riled him up even more. He then told me we was over and I can do it on my own from now on. I was hurt and retaliated by saying he probably had someone waiting that’s why he wants out ( I know I shouldn’t of said this) anyway he then sat up grabbed the back of my hair and yanked me back, slapped me and spat in my face all while feeding our 5 month old. I just sat the absolutely stunned trying to protect the baby. He eventually just went and slept downstairs. This is the first time he has been physically abusive hes been verbally in the past.

now I know I need to leave, I know that and I will I do not under any circumstances want my children around that. But how??? Like literally how? I have no money, I can’t afford to live on my own. He pays rent and most bills, I am on Matt leave but the pay is shocking. The children have a very little age gap and it’s a struggle most days. What do I do and where do I go?

sorry long post and thank you for reading x

Disgusting man . Contact women’s aid and see what you will be entitled to on one of those websites that work out what benefits you can get.

That is just vile behaviour by your H.
You need to be in a place of safety for yourself and your children
As pp said you need to contact Women's Aid asap for help and support to leave this man.

Definitely contact Women’s Aid. They will support you to plan how to leave him.

The fact that you are married gives you financial rights: WA can advise on this.

OMG. You are probably still in shock. Do you feel safe? Has he gone to work? Call Women's Aid. There is support out there. Any family/friends around?

Sending you strength.

Oh sweetheart- do t put up with this a moment longer. Do the right thing for yourself and your children. Women’s Aid asap and take it from there. It will end up being the best thing you could do for the three of you.

Thank you. Yea he went to work before we woke up so haven’t seen him. He has rung and apologised and I just told him I accept his apology as I don’t want to make matters worse. I categorically do not accept it but didn’t really know what else to say.

I will contact them now. We have been married less than a year does this make any difference at all?

Is he now out of the house?. I would also consider talking to the police because you've been assaulted by him. Get your injuries documented with the GP and take photos.

Contact Womens Aid too. They can and will help you.

The Rights of Women organisation can give some legal advice.

How long is it till the 12 month mark?.

When is he due home?.

I am so so sorry this happened to you. What is wrong with some men.. I despair.

Big hugs. I hope you have family or friends you can talk to.

I don't have any practical advice to offer as haven't been through this but I just wanted to reassure you my mum walked out of an abusive relationship when I was a baby with no money. Not saying it was easy but I had a happy childhood with her. She then worked on a career over the years and is now comfortable and with a lovely man. I'm obviously an adult now and I'm always in awe of her strength at the time and grateful she showed me what shouldn't be tolerated from a partner.

Although it won't be easy you will be OK and are doing the right thing leaving. You cannot live with a violent man who could dare treat a woman, never mind the mother of his child who was in a vulnerable position feeding her baby. Wishing you all the best x

That awful, OP. Sorry you’re in this position. Your H sounds dangerous. If he can hurt you while you’re feeding your baby, he can hurt you and them any time. Verbal abuse is vile and very damaging and he has now crossed into physical abuse.

There is detailed information in this guide about what to think about and what to do: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

Note there’s a tab you can click to exit the site so that it doesn’t show in your browsing history.

Take it step by step. Do you have family or friends you can take the DCs and stay with? Or who can come and stay with you in your home for a few days as that may inhibit his behaviour also and you can plan more carefully. Do NOT tell him you’re planning to leave. Abusers are at their most dangerous when they think they’re losing control.

September will be 12 months. He finishes work at 4 so be home not long after.

he’s texting me like nothings happened and I am replying as I’m so anxious of it kicking off again. Do I just act normal with him until I know what I can do/go, I’ve never been in this position before

Thank you so much x sorry I didn’t answer your questions. I have my mum I can go there, but he knows that’s exactly where I will go.

Now he is doing the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. He's already escalated from being verbally abusive and he will doubtless say that you caused him to see red and or otherwise become violent. Well no you did not and he acted of his own volition; your actions did not cause him to become violent.

Use the time he is out wisely. Be careful here and plan your exit with due care; Womens Aid will help you with this and also do not be afraid to get the police involved. How supportive are your own family and friends here?.

Hi Again

Please don't stay there. It does not sound like he will walk away so try and do everything before he is back to go somewhere else with the kids. I know your head will be swirling. Just take action without thinking about it too much. I know this is not easy but just get yourself somewhere safe even if it going to your local Police Station.

Oh sweetheart, I haven't got any practical advice but just to say I'm so sorry for the dreadful situation you're in. Sending you strength from afar in getting out and protecting yourself and your toddler and baby.

Take photos of any marks and contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline.

@whatafuckup1 why havent you phoned the police???? that should have been the first thing!

I don’t even know. I was in a state of shock. I have now

Having been in this situation many years ago contact women’s aid!! They can have you out the house by 4! Yes it’s scary and a struggle but you will come out of it so much stronger. Pack a bag for you and kids with passports birth certificates anything with your NI number and a few days essentials, anything you don’t have will be replaceable.. if he’s done this once he WILL do it again no one does it just once.

they will be able to help you re him being near the children but your priority is to get away. Make sure your locations are turned off on your phone as well so he has no way of tracking you

it sounds like your body and brain are in survival mode and are protecting you.
all your actions have kept you safe so far, there's nothing you're doing that's wrong.
You don't have to worry yet about the future and money etc just keeping you and kids safe which it sounds like you are doing with the way your instincts are telling you how to respond.
call Womens Aid and ask them to help you with safety planning to get out in the way that feels safest to you.
you are being a great protective mum by knowing this is not right, lots of strength to you

I’m so sorry- what a horrible man. Unfortunately he’s done it once and there’s no saying he won’t do it again. Please Don’t blame yourself- if you can go to your mums I would pack a bag for you and the kids and go there to be safe. And like others have suggested ring women’s aid and take things from there. Sending you lots of love xx

It’s good that you’ve phoned the police. Hopefully they will take your statement soon and may be able to help you to safety. You say he will know that you’ve gone to your mum’s house. It may be worth asking the police about what they can do to protect you if you and your children go to your mum’s house (my understanding is that the police can put markers on a property to prioritise any call that comes from that property). Alternatively, Women’s Aid may be able to help you with a refuge place though i think that can take a little time.

You’re absolutely right to act normal with him. That’s the best way to keep yourself safe for now. If you have visible marks from the attack, take photos of those, too.

If you’re going to be at home a bit longer, have you got somewhere you can safely store an escape bag with some supplies for you and your children? You must keep it hidden (perhaps store it with a friend or neighbour). Here’s a guideline list from the WA website of what to take when you leave, if you can:

• Important documents such as identification and birth certificates for you and your children.
• Passports (including passports for all your children if you have them), visas and work permits
• Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements)
• Insurance documents
• School and medical records, including the telephone numbers of the school and your GP or surgery
• Prescribed medication, mobility and/or hearing aids
• Money including bank account details, bank logins, credit and debit cards
• Child benefit award notices and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to
• Driving licence, car registration documents and insurance details
• Keys for your house, car and workplace
• Contact details of friends and family
• Small sentimental items like family photographs, your diary, jewellery
• An overnight bag with essential clothing and toiletries for you and your children
• Your children’s favourite small toys

But remember: there are posters on MN who left with their children and nothing but the clothes they were all wearing. The most important thing is to get yourself and your DCs out safely.

Thinking of you, OP.

He’s honestly making me question myself and whether I’m over reacting or not. ( I know deep down I’m not and I need to leave) but just how normal he’s being. Back to calling me babe and asking about my day and the babies. It’s such a head fuck

OP a man attacked you when you were holding your toddler. If you were attacked in the street and he called you babe, would you think you were overreacting?

He's going to attack you again and this time both you and your baby could be really hurt. Don't be a statistic.

In the kindest way lovely if you’ve spoken to the police this won’t just be brushed under the carpet. SS will be informed and where that goes is totally dependent on how you respond to this. If you stay after he has attacked you with an innocent baby in your hand they will question your ability to safeguard them. He is playing it down for his own gains not because he is sorry…. You NEED to get away