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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please be gentle

86 replies

whatafuckup1 · 23/07/2025 09:18

I don’t even know where to start. Last night H and I got into a heated row. Our toddler isn’t sleeping at the moment and wakes for a bottle then just doesn’t settle again, my H is a lorry driver and struggles when hasn’t had much sleep and gets impatient very quickly. He shouted at our toddler to go back to sleep. I was feeding our baby at the time and said to him to come back to bed and I’ll sort it as I’m much more patient.

He took that comment as an accusation and flipped saying I was accusing him of being a bad dad etc I just ignored him which riled him up even more. He then told me we was over and I can do it on my own from now on. I was hurt and retaliated by saying he probably had someone waiting that’s why he wants out ( I know I shouldn’t of said this) anyway he then sat up grabbed the back of my hair and yanked me back, slapped me and spat in my face all while feeding our 5 month old. I just sat the absolutely stunned trying to protect the baby. He eventually just went and slept downstairs. This is the first time he has been physically abusive hes been verbally in the past.

now I know I need to leave, I know that and I will I do not under any circumstances want my children around that. But how??? Like literally how? I have no money, I can’t afford to live on my own. He pays rent and most bills, I am on Matt leave but the pay is shocking. The children have a very little age gap and it’s a struggle most days. What do I do and where do I go?

sorry long post and thank you for reading x

OP posts:
Shatandfattered · 24/07/2025 02:32

I'm proud of how clever you've remained in this situation and how quickly you've taken the correct steps. I think shock has maybe helped you go onto autopilot and follow advice or maybe you're just wise in general. I really do wish you the best you're a great mother and you are stronger than many perhaps would be

SkintSingleMumm · 24/07/2025 08:45

I hope your away from him now?

Purplecatshopaholic · 24/07/2025 08:53

He slapped you, and spat at you? While you were holding your baby? WTAF am I reading! I’m so sorry this has happened to you op, I’m glad you are going to your mums. Please don’t listen to his bullshit - this man is dangerous vile scum. Take care.

mummymetalhead · 24/07/2025 08:57

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you’re safe at your mums now.
Well done for reporting it. What he did is inexcusable and you’re doing the right thing by protecting yourself and your children.

YesHonestly · 24/07/2025 08:59

Another one hoping you’re safe OP x

SpryCat · 24/07/2025 09:23

Oh @whatafuckup1, I’m so sorry, I'm so glad you are getting away to safety with your DC. I would block him on SM and your phone once you have left, you need time to settle the children as they are your priority. He is likely to threaten you or love bomb you or both, once he realises you’ve left and right now you are in survival mode. The last thing you need is to hear from him, begging you to come home and his fake crocodile tears trying to manipulate you back into his abusive clutches.
Abusive Behaviour when a woman is at her most vulnerable is so common, so is him apologising and pretending that everything is all ok. He is trying to condition you to accept his abuse, and let him get away with it, it’s the start of his cycle of abuse towards you and your DC.
Call the police if he comes knocking at your mum’s house, you might be able to get a non molest order if he keeps being aggressive and coming over. Can you phone police back and tell them to come to your mum’s address? So you can leave asap. I would ask your mum to come over as you pack, so you are not on your own.
Stay safe x

Personperson · 24/07/2025 09:25

Glad to see you've reported this disgusting pig.

I hope he never sees the kids alone. I hope ss wouldn't allow him after this but use a contact centre if they make them see him. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I hope you are safe!

Silvers11 · 24/07/2025 10:08

@whatafuckup1 Are you ok? Worried about you

SpryCat · 24/07/2025 12:31

I really hope you are at your mum’s now, thinking of you x

WordsFailMeYetAgain · 28/07/2025 13:47

@whatafuckup1 I do hope you are safe. If you can, please update us on your situation.

whatafuckup1 · 29/07/2025 07:19

I’m sorry for the delay in updating it’s been an absolute shit show and my head is an absolute mess. We are still at my mums and will be staying here for a while. We are safe that’s all I care about at the moment. Thank you for checking in x

OP posts:
Pennyplant19 · 29/07/2025 07:46

I’m so sorry to read this. Sending you virtual hugs and strength. Please don’t go back, he’ll do it again. Thinking of you x

YesHonestly · 29/07/2025 07:50

I’m glad you’re safe OP.

Please remember what you’re feeling now is normal given what you went through. You deserve better. You deserve to be safe. Please don’t go back x

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/07/2025 08:33

All we care about is that you are safe, so that's good to read that you are at your Mum's home - everything will work out in time.
Thank you for remembering your thread and coming back to tell us you are safe.

lunar1 · 29/07/2025 08:38

Glad to read that you are safe, you will get through this.

Gonk123 · 29/07/2025 08:41

How terrible. I know in a few days when the shock wears off you might soften a little - can you block him so he can’t get in your head? How terrible for you and well done for dealing with it head on.

3luckystars · 29/07/2025 08:41

I’m so sorry and am thinking of you today. What an awful thing to happen you x

sesquipedalian · 29/07/2025 09:42

OP, very well done on contacting the police and getting out to your mother’s. I’m afraid your soon to be ex-DH’s behaviour will not improve. It took me ages to get out from my ex’s abusive behaviour, and I’m sorry to say that were you to stay, it would happen again and it would escalate. He will almost certainly tell you how contrite he is, how it won’t happen again etc etc - but sadly, it will, and you are so right to get away. It may not seem like it now, but there really is life on the other side - don’t give up if things get difficult: they certainly won’t improve if you go back to him. Sending love. x

Imbusytodaysorry · 29/07/2025 09:47

whatafuckup1 · 23/07/2025 09:42

Thank you. Yea he went to work before we woke up so haven’t seen him. He has rung and apologised and I just told him I accept his apology as I don’t want to make matters worse. I categorically do not accept it but didn’t really know what else to say.

I will contact them now. We have been married less than a year does this make any difference at all?

@whatafuckup1 sadly he will always have been an abuser but married and “trapped” with young kids it’s the classic time to up the abuse.
I know you say you will Leeanne , but you must as this will get worse.

You plate sit well pretending . I’d quietly get organised and go once it’s all in place .

Imbusytodaysorry · 29/07/2025 09:58

whatafuckup1 · 29/07/2025 07:19

I’m sorry for the delay in updating it’s been an absolute shit show and my head is an absolute mess. We are still at my mums and will be staying here for a while. We are safe that’s all I care about at the moment. Thank you for checking in x

@whatafuckup1 glad you are safe.
Although slightly concerned you are staying “for a while “ what happens then ?

kissmyfatass · 29/07/2025 10:01

Thinking of you. I’m sorry this has happened to you. Stay safe

Anewuser · 29/07/2025 10:06

@whatafuckup1 well done for being brave enough to leave. When things get hard, which they will, remember you’re doing this for your children as well as yourself.

BunnyRuddington · 29/07/2025 10:11

Well done for getting out, for you and your LO’s. It sounds as though this is the hard part. It will get better and tou avd your DC will be able to live free of this abusive man.

Springtimehere · 29/07/2025 10:28

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NameChangedOfc · 29/07/2025 11:28

I just came across this thread, @whatafuckup1 : I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to send you a warm embrace and wish things improve quickly for you and your children 🙏Stay safe and get all the help you have available (contact Women's Aid or similar org if you haven't yet: you are not alone 💜)