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Original poster

Why does it feel like I’m being mean.

87 replies

Seebee13 · 22/07/2025 16:59

So recently we have been accepted for DLA for my daughter. It’s roughly £400 a month. Me and my husband both work full time and I want to use that money to go private for my children to get a diagnosis it works out that for 15 months I would be using the whole amount of money (which to me is what it’s for). However my husband argued that as he’s in debt £100 a month would really help him. But that would mean even longer for our children to wait for help. Am I being unreasonable? It’s caused a massive argument between us. End of the day for me I want to get the children the help they need as quickly as possible as waiting lists on the NHS are mental. I’m not wanting to use to money for myself or to help me with any debt I have. Should I just give him the money and wait a few months before starting the process for them?

OP posts:
IMeantIt · 22/07/2025 17:02

You're not in the least being mean. The money is for your children's welfare. There's nothing mean about insisting on that.

Brendahollowayreconsider · 22/07/2025 17:04

The award is for your daughter's health/wellbeing not to help your husband service his debt.
Hope you're able to get the help/diagnosis for your daughter.

TheGirlattheBack · 22/07/2025 17:04

Your husband is viewing this as extra family income - it’s not and he needs to understand that from the get go. It is your child’s money to be spent on their health needs.

Hatty65 · 22/07/2025 17:11

This is the second thread today on someone's DH wanting £100 a month from their child's DLA.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2025 17:13

Hatty65 · 22/07/2025 17:11

This is the second thread today on someone's DH wanting £100 a month from their child's DLA.

Indeed.

Original poster
Seebee13 · 22/07/2025 17:15

That’s exactly what I said about it. It’s money for her yes and it will go towards her brothers also but it helps the family as a whole which to me is important as we have been fighting so long for the kids to get help and it would really help them

OP posts:
Original poster
Seebee13 · 22/07/2025 17:15

Honestly did not see the other one. Maybe it’s the same man he might have two families 😆

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 22/07/2025 17:17

Maybe because your partner is gaslighting you.

That money is not there for him to pay off his debt, he can earn his own money for that. It’s money, taken from taxpayers, to help a disabled child receive what they need. Is your husband your children’s father? If he is, he’s a shit one.

ConstitutionHill · 22/07/2025 17:18

I suppose it might depend on what that debt was accumulated by, was it on necessary family expenses? It would be beneficial to your kids not to have their parents in debt.

If it was spent on shite that's something different.

defrazzled · 22/07/2025 17:21

I'd be extremely angry about this. WTF is wrong with these men? Committing fraud and denying their own child the tax payer funded benefits they have been awarded because they cannot manage your finances. Have they no shame?
He is a disgrace.

Soberfutures · 22/07/2025 17:27

He is obviously in the wrong. But I am wondering what the diagnosis u want is and what u expect after a diagnosis. Not deliberately being nosey but if it's autism or adhd then most nhs trusts won't recognise private diagnosis. Which in turn means any medication u may get prescribed won't be done on nhs so you will still have to keep paying for private costs. So it will be a longer term cost than the months u are believing.
So waiting for nhs might actually be a better way and using the money each month to help in other ways may be a better decision.

Obviously depending on what the diagnosis you are seeking and treatment.

Original poster
Seebee13 · 22/07/2025 17:33

It’s to help them understand why they feel and act a certain way. They will stay on the waiting list. But I don’t want medication for them and it’s to help them with school and for their own mental health. I do know some places aren’t accepting this but it puts me in a better position with schools as currently my oldest and youngest are not coping at all in mainstream.

OP posts:
Soberfutures · 22/07/2025 18:02

Is it also to help get ehcp? For help at school? To be honest even with SEN children myself and dla for them I do think 400 pounds on what appears to be expensive therapy to help them understand themselves/autism/adhd does seem excessive cost. There are many other ways to help them. Most local areas have carers charities that work together to provide support and practical advice. Most also do young carer days and free activities. Some even help with play therapies etc.

Just a different view to balance out. As 400 a month really seems a lot of money for your words "to help them understand themselves"

Still no right of your husband to ask for the money though.

Soberfutures · 22/07/2025 18:04

And if it is for ehcp then a diagnosis is not needed. There is a few wonderful groups on Facebook that can help with all the legalities. "Empowering Families" is one.

autienotnaughty · 22/07/2025 18:20

It’s not his money use it for your child he needs to cut back or earn more if he’s constantly in debt

Pherian · 22/07/2025 21:04

Seebee13 · 22/07/2025 16:59

So recently we have been accepted for DLA for my daughter. It’s roughly £400 a month. Me and my husband both work full time and I want to use that money to go private for my children to get a diagnosis it works out that for 15 months I would be using the whole amount of money (which to me is what it’s for). However my husband argued that as he’s in debt £100 a month would really help him. But that would mean even longer for our children to wait for help. Am I being unreasonable? It’s caused a massive argument between us. End of the day for me I want to get the children the help they need as quickly as possible as waiting lists on the NHS are mental. I’m not wanting to use to money for myself or to help me with any debt I have. Should I just give him the money and wait a few months before starting the process for them?

No, you’re doing the right thing. Your husband is being a selfish 💩.

That money is for the kids. Not his debt.

Figgygal · 22/07/2025 21:05

His debt his problem

Kazzybingbong · 22/07/2025 21:05

It’s absolutely not his money at all. That amount sounds like HRC so your child must have significant needs.

When getting a diagnosis, go somewhere that follows the NICE guidelines and then the NHS etc has to accept it. We did this and have had no problems.

Kazzybingbong · 22/07/2025 21:07

Soberfutures · 22/07/2025 18:02

Is it also to help get ehcp? For help at school? To be honest even with SEN children myself and dla for them I do think 400 pounds on what appears to be expensive therapy to help them understand themselves/autism/adhd does seem excessive cost. There are many other ways to help them. Most local areas have carers charities that work together to provide support and practical advice. Most also do young carer days and free activities. Some even help with play therapies etc.

Just a different view to balance out. As 400 a month really seems a lot of money for your words "to help them understand themselves"

Still no right of your husband to ask for the money though.

She’s entitled to £400 and she can spend it on supporting her child in which ever way she sees fit.

Why would you even say that?

Vaxtable · 22/07/2025 21:07

But is his £100 pm month debt because of things he does or buys for himself, or because he is paying for things for the children?

if the latter then yes I feel he should have £100 pm and the rest is saved

OrlandointheWilderness · 22/07/2025 21:09

How did he get into debt?

Kerri44 · 22/07/2025 21:10

Seebee13 · 22/07/2025 16:59

So recently we have been accepted for DLA for my daughter. It’s roughly £400 a month. Me and my husband both work full time and I want to use that money to go private for my children to get a diagnosis it works out that for 15 months I would be using the whole amount of money (which to me is what it’s for). However my husband argued that as he’s in debt £100 a month would really help him. But that would mean even longer for our children to wait for help. Am I being unreasonable? It’s caused a massive argument between us. End of the day for me I want to get the children the help they need as quickly as possible as waiting lists on the NHS are mental. I’m not wanting to use to money for myself or to help me with any debt I have. Should I just give him the money and wait a few months before starting the process for them?

DLA is for your Daughter not your husband, he's being very unreasonable

TeenLifeMum · 22/07/2025 21:14

Is everyone missing the fact this money is for op’s daughter but instead she’s using it to get private diagnosis for her other dc so the dc it is for isn’t benefiting from it at all. I think both op and dh are not using the funds as intended.

Fraggeek · 22/07/2025 21:15

So IMO you're both being unreasonable.

This money is to help ease costs associated with the reason she has been approved for DLA.

For us this is towards nappies/bedding/clothing/washing costs etc
Sensory equipment
Sen days out
Specialist pushchair or any other equipment that keeps him safe

It certainly doesn't pay for my other son to go through diagnosis. The wait is long but we access all the support necessary through the school. He has counselling to help and he has a plan drawn up by the school nurse. The school support him well and we also access support groups via our GP/consultant. If he got DLA it would go towards a private consultation. But I certainly wouldn't use the money ear marked for our for another child.

If you get DLA and have no use for the money I'd argue

  1. Does she need it
  2. If she does need it, why would you not be using it to help her directly?
ALJT · 22/07/2025 21:16

If the money is for 1 of the children then it should benefit that child’s needs