Why does it feel like I’m being mean.

[Seebee13]

So recently we have been accepted for DLA for my daughter. It’s roughly £400 a month. Me and my husband both work full time and I want to use that money to go private for my children to get a diagnosis it works out that for 15 months I would be using the whole amount of money (which to me is what it’s for). However my husband argued that as he’s in debt £100 a month would really help him. But that would mean even longer for our children to wait for help. Am I being unreasonable? It’s caused a massive argument between us. End of the day for me I want to get the children the help they need as quickly as possible as waiting lists on the NHS are mental. I’m not wanting to use to money for myself or to help me with any debt I have. Should I just give him the money and wait a few months before starting the process for them?

In terms of diagnosis, a private one is unlikely to be recognised by the nhs or by schooling, and may not even help towards getting them into an appropriate school placement. Have you considered a right to choose referral through the NHS? Waiting times are generally much better, my 5 year old received a recognised diagnosis within 6 months under this.

The more I think about this the angrier I get. This money provides so much for my son and there's a child who is potentially going without extra aids/support for the sake of a private diagnosis that likely won't be accepted by a NHS GP.

So wrong

When you agree to be the representative for your child you agree to use the funds for them and their needs. Strictly speaking, it shouldnt even be used for your other children and absolutely not for your husband's debt. I have 3 disabled children, 2 on DLA, 1 not. The money they receive is for their needs, the one who isn't has his needs met with our money not theirs. I would suggest thinking again about going private, most schools as long as accepted by neuro will provide the support whilst waiting for the diagnosis. The wait is long, it took 4 years from start to finish for my son and my daughter is still on list, been on there 2 years and still expected to wait another 18 months. We use their money to buy things/clubs that help them so for example one child reacts well to sensory support and being kept busy, the other is very depressed and spends most time in her room so the money goes to making sure she is comfortable and has basically anything and everything that makes her life even a little better.

That DLA is for your daughter, not your husband. He can sort his own debt out.

I can see at case if the debt has built up as a result of the addtional costs of disability for the DLA money to help reduce this
Examples could be if one or both of you had to work less due to the children's disabilities or health problems; and the debt occurred as a result. Or if the debt is related to building costs to adapt a space to better meet the children's needs

Is he in debt because he is having to pay for things for the child receiving it because of their disability and his income isn't enough to fund the things for the disability or is it because of other things. If his outgoings are funding things specifically for the disability then this is what it is for (not the other children even - the child it is for) but if he is in debt because he can't manage his money then it shouldn't be for that.

You are not being mean. The money is for your child. We get the same rate of DLA for our son and that goes towards his go karting each month. There are times that we could us some of the extra money but we don't use it.

Why are you spending money on a diagnosis for your son? Or have I misread?

Presumably one has to have a diagnosis to be eligible for disability living allowance. It's not there to explore possible disabilities.

I missed that I thought it was for the daughter the diagnosis consultation and whom the award was for.

It's money for the extra living expenses for your daughter. Not to pay your husbands debt or pay for private medical diagnosis for the rest of your family.

Quite, but op is talking about using it for other dc to get them a diagnosis. The money is for the dc already diagnosed.

That’s my understanding too, how does someone get £400 a month without a diagnosis? Thats the first thing they ask, I have lower rate for my son who is registered partially sighted. Without a diagnosis they wouldn’t have awarded anything!

There’s very little help that can be accessed only with a diagnosis. Schools can and should be putting provisions in place to support based on needs, not diagnosis. Look into right to chose for a quicker diagnosis if a diagnosis is important to you. However that being said the money is for the child awarded, not your husbands debt, unless that debt was accrued specifically on additional needs of your daughter I can’t see his point.

Make an application for your son/any other children if they have additional care needs.
Also, check if you qualify for universal credit now that you receive DLA as it increases the award amount pre deductions, also depending on your earnings you may qualify for carers allowance. Google family fund and you may qualify for upto around £1k for a specific purpose on items to help your child. Sign up for discount4carers too as this provides discounts for thousands of places. Let your council know that you’re in receipt of DLA too, they may have grants and other money saving things that may benefit your family.
Early help and SS are great for supporting your family as a whole, they can do referals to other services and even free swimming wristbands for your local council leisure centre.

Unless his debt has arisen from expenditure related to her disabilities then YANBU and he shouldn't use the money for his debt.

I also recently got awarded the same amount and have been feeling guilty for using it for general family expenditure, help towards holiday etc. but then I think of all the extra money I've spent over the years on expensive continence products and replacing things dd has damaged due to her autism

WTAF your husband wants to use your children's DISABILITY money because of his poor money management..if this was me it would cause a divorce not an argument. Spend their piggy bank and tooth fairy money too does he?

It doesn't cost that much to get a diagnosis and most places won't accept private diagnosis anyway

I don't think it's appropriate for him to use the money. But if the money is just for one of your children then I don't think it's appropriate to use it for your other children either.

Because DLA is based on care needs not diagnosis. Sight issues are more black and white than ASD and to have a diagnosis of a sight issues I would imagine is a lot quicker than ASD, though depending on how bad your child sight is I would suggest you appeal the rate they were awarded as care needs to someone who is partially sighted I would expect to be at least middle rate and also low mobility. You can find the DLA low middle and high rate criteria’s online to see based on your day to day experience with your child what rate you believe they are entitled to, often just appealing the rate they’ll up it, sometimes you will need to go to tribunal, just try and have conversations when with your child’s Drs and specialists around what additional care you and others around them need to provide as that should be mentioned in the letters which you can then provide as evidence.
My 2 year old who is undiagnosed is in reciept of HRC due to suspected ASD and ADHD. I was back and forth to the Drs/HV/early help about his lack of sleep and behaviours long before I learnt that he didn’t need a diagnosis for DLA, he’s extremely clever and high functioning, talking full conversations from 16 months but his sleep is almost none existent, especially for me as a lone parent with little support. He’s very violent and obsessive over things but he’s hit all his milestones. I feel like I can’t ever relax around him as if left to his own devices for even seconds he will bite himself until he bleeds/other people until they bleed, he’s given lots of people black eyes, I have to get eye surgery because of him, he destroys everything in sight, because all this was documented long before application they awarded him HRC immediately and backdated it to around his 2nd birthday.

I would stay away from private unless you can afford the medication for your children each month. Shared care is becoming harder. My GP even discouraged this route due to this and asked for my child’s referral to be expedited instead.

Because I understand how many other things can help a child with issues as I have SEN children myself. So I was signposting other things she may not realise about that are free and a less cost. Therefore freeing up the 400 to spend on other things the child may need. She is fully entitled to spend how she feels will benefit the children the best way especially as she knows them better than a stranger on the Internet. I have also been in a situation where fighting for an EHCP was tiring and being let down by mainstream schools, so if this was one of the issues I was wanting to give advice and support. No idea why I have seemed to offended you. I at no point suggested she was wrong or should give her husband money.

Why is your husband in debt? Do your joint wages not cover the bills?

You would presumably have gone through an involved application process for DLA, and you would have had to specify why your daughter needed extra help. The DWP have agreed your claim and have awarded you £400 to assist you in managing your daughter's needs. So I'm assuming you must have an idea, based on your claim, what the money should be used for to make your daughter's life better.
It certainly hasn't been awarded to pay off or ease your DH's debts, and it is absolutely wrong of him to (a) ask you to do it and (b) make you feel guilty for not helping him out.
Don't give his opinion a second thought. This money is to help your daughter live her life better - and how can he possibly disagree with that?

I know of someone who did this, it's worth looking into; if you have BUPA, ( you can use the money to become a member) they will pay for you children to have an SEN diagnosis, it might be cheaper then saving up to have it done, but please read around and check before proceeding. The money is to help your daughter, we used ours for holidays and experiences to improve social skills and gain confidence, if your husband could work less hours and spend time with her, would giving him £100 benefit her? It's just a question

The DLA money is there to help you financially with the costs of your daughter’s care. We get the same amount for our son. I use it to pay for private ADHD appointments every 3/6 months, monthly ADHD medication, replacing broken/lost things, for an OT assessment and towards an EP assessment. I’d use it for therapy if I thought he’d engage, or tutoring. I take it straight out of my bank account when it arrives and put it into another just for my son. I save it if it’s not needed every month as he’ll need it later. It’ll stop when he’s 16.
For your other boys, go to the GP and go down the right to choose route for assessments. Shorter wait times. I wish I’d done this for the ASD assessment although we’ve only waited 20 months on NHS, which ironically has been commissioned out to a private company to reduce wait times locally.
i went private for the ADHD assessment and am now stuck with private prescriptions but DLA comes in handy here.
No, your husband should not have £100 a month to clear his debt, unless the debt is from financial difficulty that has arisen from your daughter’s needs.