Why does it feel like I’m being mean.

[Seebee13]

So recently we have been accepted for DLA for my daughter. It’s roughly £400 a month. Me and my husband both work full time and I want to use that money to go private for my children to get a diagnosis it works out that for 15 months I would be using the whole amount of money (which to me is what it’s for). However my husband argued that as he’s in debt £100 a month would really help him. But that would mean even longer for our children to wait for help. Am I being unreasonable? It’s caused a massive argument between us. End of the day for me I want to get the children the help they need as quickly as possible as waiting lists on the NHS are mental. I’m not wanting to use to money for myself or to help me with any debt I have. Should I just give him the money and wait a few months before starting the process for them?

Sorry, going to derail slightly first, which waiting lists are your children on at the moment? If you need autism assessments, please contact your GP and ask them to refer you to Paloma Health through the right to choose pathway- they assessed and diagnosed my kids within 6 months.
Also, care ADHD are doing assessments for £299 privately.

I don't think you're wrong at all in what you're doing.
My eldest and middle are both now in receipt of their disability benefits now- DD is 17, so I have nothing to do with them, I just advise her that she needs to meet some of her own costs so she needs to have some money aside.

My sons, which goes to me- pays for a lady who will help us achieve activities I wouldn't manage because of his SEN otherwise. So swimming etc, the rest goes into savings, or meeting his direct needs (like hearing tests we've been waiting for for over a year so decided to go private) the Wagon we've upgraded to because he needs to be in a pram but bites his brother in there. The specialist communication courses we were re commended will be paid for out of it, as will additional childcare that enables me to attend.

I am paying off some of my Credit cards also, but those credit cards were used to purchase have his SEN high chair at over £700, and his Ipad that I purchased solely to put a communication app on- that also cost £300... if they weren't run up to try and meet his SEN needs, I wouldn't be touching his money for it. How did your partner get his CC debt?

I think the key to answer is why is he in debt? If it's poor money management, then no. If it's due to expenses related to your child's additional needs then it might not be unreasonable.

Spoken by the mother who is in debt due to my child's additional needs, but I'm yet to claim DLA because it's mentally too hard to do.

Gokarting? Paying off debts? No wonder this country is going broke.

The clue is in the name. It’s a benefit funded by taxpayers to improve your disabled daughter’s quality of life and choices. It’s not his to claim. He needs to budget better or earn more money for his debts.

Its my sons 1 activity that he does. The money is his money each month and spent on him and what he needs!!! If he was doing football or rugby, would you still have that reaction. We don't have any debts. So unless you have anything constructive to say perhaps you should just scroll on!!!

You are being mean to your daughter.

You seem to think that it's wrong for your husband to do exactly what you yourself are doing.

This money was specifically awarded to improve your daughters quality of life, but you have decided you'd like to spend it on your other children so you will make her go without to cater to what you want to spend it on, which is not her.

Your husband appears to want to do the same thing, and while he is wrong to do so he is only doing exactly what you yourself are doing.

Sadly, this attitude to a benefit received for a child is not uncommon. It’s clear to me and probably many others that the money is meant for the child. That’s what it was awarded for. But people do see it as another income to put into the household pot. This is why a lot of the welfare system is so abused.

You don't need a diagnosis, you need tonnes of evidence to support what extra care needs your child has. We get our son's diagnosis tomorrow but he's had additional needs for years. So he gets DLA. You don't even need to update them because the diagnosis isn't a change in care needs.

what is costing £6000 to be diagnosed? that seems an astronomical amount. are you saving it up for 15 months then getting an appointment? this makes no sense!

I have a right to comment as that money comes from taxes, which I pay.

The massive increase in DLA child claims during the cost of living crisis indicates to me that some parents see it as a potential extra household income. The money is intended for expenses that will help to improve the life of the disabled child

Your husband is being a arsehole. The money is for your daughter yet you will also be spending her money on her brothers. That's totally out of order too.

It’s for your DD, it’s not there for your partners debt and it’s not there to chase a diagnosis for other children.

You're both wrong. The money isn't for your other children, it's for your daughter who got approved for it. It isn't for getting private diagnosis' for your other children.

I have two children on HRC/LRM and I have NEVER spent a penny of that money on myself or anything I would want. In total we get around £2000 per month including the UC disabled child elements for each, and every penny of that money goes towards the costs of having disabled children. That includes private therapies, 1-1 activities (like 1-1 football coaching, swimming etc), hiring out our SEN soft play centre for our sole use for an hour, replacing beds and furniture that gets broken on a monthly basis, and so on.

It is not for me or my partner to have extra money to spend on things we want to spend the money on. It isn't to get us out of debt. It isn't for family holidays. It's for things that you wouldn't have to buy if you didn't have a disabled child.

However I will say - if you're in England you don't have to pay for a private diagnosis, you can go down the Right to Choose pathway and the NHS pay for the private company to assess instead. Hope this helps. Hope your husband gets his priorities straight and stops seeing £££ signs, the selfish bastard

You are wasting the money. There is loads of help and therapy for young children with autism or suspected autism. I have three boys with it. The official diagnosis took a while with the younger two but you don’t need a diagnosis to access anything.

A private diagnosis is meaningless in this country.

This is not to say your husband can take the money to pay his debts. Spend the money on supporting your household and doing more activities such as swimming etc.

Absolutely not, that money is not for her brothers. You're both unreasonable if he wants to use on himself and you want to use on her brothers. If you think her brothers have additional needs - apply for DLA for them. Don't use your daughter's money that is meant to help her, to diagnose her brothers. That is just so many levels of wrong.

You should be using this money on your daughter and your daughter only.

Everyone saying “it’s your daughter’s money” are looking at it like she has it going into a separate account for her own personal use, rather than into the family pot to pay for her care needs. As I would assume you’ve previously covered the ongoing costs of her care from the family pot, there is no reason that they wouldn’t continue to be covered with the extra funds now in the pot, meaning what had been previously paying for her care could now go on other expenses.
Really, you’re both wanting to do similar things- use the new money coming in to pay for things you want/need, that you previously couldn’t afford due to the costs of your daughter’s care needs. I would work out how to do both if it would help the whole family. If it wasn’t possible to do both, the children come first, and your husband can look at managing his debts in another way.

Sorry but you are effectively doing no different than your husband. The money is supposed to be to support the child that it is granted for - not your husband, and not you or your other children. Whilst the use of it is not monitored, so you can technically spend it on anything, then if you aren't going to use it to support that child, then any other use is fair enough. There's just as "good" an argument that the family not having debt benefits the disabled child as there is that their siblings coping with life better is for her benefit. Both are wrong though.

Actually, both my husband and I pay the taxes too and both higher rate payers, so my son is just as entitled to the money as you are to comment.

The money has been granted for your children and should be used for their care, support additional needs etc You can seek a private assessment for free by following the NHS Right to Choose Pathway. Waiting times are much much less and it’s funded. Have a look online.

I agree that a private assessment may not be the best use of the money.

I think around £400 a month is MRC/LRM as that's what my DD gets.

It can't be spent on another child, but can be spent on things needed for the child if they're household expenses. Our daughter rarely leaves the house for example, and won't often wear a jumper at lt all never mind layers, so winter heating costs are high due to her.

Look at what made up the debts because if it is due to larger than usual bills due to disability, that would be reasonable.

It's DISABILITY living allowance. Not bail out Steve because he's crap at managing his money. He's being unreasonable and immature, then is trying to guilt you by the sounds of things

Stte
This is for your child and for the extra cost of them having extra care needs for for your other children, if they have extra needs then claim for them or for your husbands debts.

Neither of you seem to be wanting to use it correctly