Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

You need to back off and leave him alone when he's in the bathroom ! You started this and probably from reading your post you cause a load of issues within the relationship.

Feelings don’t need to be heard before they are considered. You are aware of some of your triggers but there are others as random as the weather and hormones. Managing your emotions won’t come from someone endlessly considering your feelings. It will come from your own work which needs to happen while you are single.

I talk to myself sometimes. My husband leaves me alone. If I hear my husband talking, I leave him alone too. You have to leave him alone.

Your therapist is right that you were both in the wrong, but they were wrong in their reasoning. You were wrong and abusive and controlling for walking in on him while he was in a shower, to make his private conversation with himself all about you. He was wrong in his response. He should have told you to fuck off.

You deliberately eavesdropped on him talking to himself in the shower and started an argument about it rather than dealing with your own ‘overthinking’ yourself. This stuff is yours to deal with. He doesn’t have to modify his behaviour when in the shower and not talking about you to mollify your concerns.

It is not his job to stop you from ever having to deal with emotions you find difficult.

You shouldn't have recorded him, you shouldn't give the recording to someone else, and your therapist shouldn't have listened to it. There are quite major data protection issues here.

OP,
Why are you continuing the relationship? It’s a bad relationship. It seriously sucks.

I wish I could show your partner this thread

No I felt bad, I just didn’t know. Because lately we just eat and go home. I finally had to tell him eating together isn’t a date. I want more quality time like walking, talking and etc.

he said he didn’t know I felt this way because he says that to him eating together and talking IS a date. I told him that’s EATING.

he said he will change but he still defended himself by saying sharing food is a big thing in his culture and that to him food is love.

so I understand what he’s saying and since now well be doing more “real dates” I don’t have an issue anymore.

Yes. It’s not working for either of you. Be single and deal with your issues.

OP, you are not ready for a relationship and you have lots of work to do. You are abusing your partner and the best thing to do is end it.

Wow op, you are so tiring and I’m just reading. If this was your oh posting I’d be telling him to leave. Reassurance is fine but you want him to constantly reassure you about the same thing. He tells you he’s tired and not upset with you and you don’t believe him and new reassurance “a few times” I’d have been gone a long time ago. Fuck that, life’s too short mate.

Just a thought as well give he was likely naked, I really hope the recording was audio only, in this modern world of phones.

You would assume it is (but then NOTHING should have been recorded to begin with) but given OP is clearly abusive who knows.

Poor guy. Hope he sees sense and calls things off before the wedding. This sounds like an absolutely appalling relationship to be in. Imagine not being able to take a shower without being recorded and policed, like being in prison.

OP you don't sound in a good place to be in a relationship and your therapist sounds equally dysfunctional.

OP you need Dialectal Behavioural Therapy. Find a therapist that offers this.
By only hearing and feeling negatives you are putting far too much pressure on your DP. The reason he is cutting you off is because he is tired of trying to explain himself and you not understanding. He sounds like he’s trying hard to make you feel better, but in doing so is probably affecting his own mental health. You need to start seeing the bigger picture and putting yourself in his shoes for a while. I kindly say this as I too suffer with emotional dysregulation and often send myself insane with my thoughts and feelings which can spiral and lead to self harming to shut off my brain. Stop recording conversations because all you are doing is trying to validate what you are hearing which will become an obsession and will not help in the long run.

I haven't read the whole thread - only your replies. Honestly, you're not even married yet. Imagine this environment with kids in it. Or one of you has just lost their job and you can't cover your bills. Or a parent has just died unexpectedly. Or one of you has been diagnosed with a long-term illness.

There doesn't seem to be any strong foundation here at all. You both sound like difficult characters but so are lots of people - you have to find the person that matches your difficult and loves you enough to help you feel more comfortable/loving/safe/ whatever and vice versa. It just doesn't sound like you are compatible. I know you've ignored everyone else who has said to split up but I honestly can't see why anyone would continue a relationship that needs therapy before you've even properly begun life together. These are meant to be the fun years! The can't get enough of each other years.

Seriously consider finishing this cycle you're in for both of your sakes. It's highly highly unlikely that anything is going to change enough for this to suddenly become the trusting, loving, happy, mutually respectful relationship that is needed for a marriage/long term partnership to truly thrive.

Wishing you love and luck.

For the love of god set this poor man free

your therapist is wrong - he did absolutely nothing wrong

It started when I looked into his phone and read texts between him and his best friend that he wasn’t “sure” about me.

I was married at 17 and divorced in my late 20s. My ex husband and I had a very different relationship.

even my current fiancé pointed out that maybe hes just too different than what I’m used to. My ex husband never went anywhere without me, his best friends were my best friends, and my best friends were his best friends. He treated me as an equal from the start. We got divorced because he lacked ambition and it killed our marriage.

my current fiancé is different. Ok he’s successful but he’s also a traditional Christian and in his mind when i met him was that he’s the leader in the relationship, and he’s very traditional. He still believes that a man should provide and protect. He found out later that it doesn’t work with me, because I didn’t want to cook and clean all day. So now he’s slowly demanding I pay for portion of the bills and split chores down the middle. Which I agree as soon as my debt is paid off

I'm not a qualified therapist but I know from experience that reassurance-seeking is not helpful at all when struggling with anxious thoughts and fixations. Even if your partner gave you the reassurance you crave every time you're upset, it wouldn't be enough.

It also puts all the responsibility on him to abate your paranoia, when really that is internal work you need to be doing yourself. Find a new therapist who can help you achieve this instead of telling you things you want to hear. It is important to work through the discomfort you feel in these moments instead of demanding that other people alleviate it for you.

I'm sorry to say this but from what I've read, you should not be in a relationship right now.

I think your therapist is caught between a rock and a hard place because she knows your behaviour isn't normal but you're the client.

Following your partner into the shower and recording them having a private conversation with themself and policing the tone in which they talk is completely unhinged. Particularly when you are repeatedly told the conversation doesn't concern you.

He probably doesn't want to talk about his feelings because he's tired of being harassed by you to talk about them all the time and by the inevitable cross examination, presumably because he wanted to get away from talking about them.

I think you need a new therapist and I think you need to split up. You're wildly incompatible and your behaviour towards him is borderline abusive.

Get some help and don't get into another relationship until you have it.

I can't believe that your therapist thinks you have a point at all tbh!

You don't seem to believe anything your fiance tells you.

What is the point in being together?

i agree with the therapist.

But I’ll also say that you clearly need to work in some issues - in no way should you be pulling him up on having a conversation with himself in the shower.

Were you brought up in a very angry environment wgere you couldn’t do anything right by any chance, or have spent a lot of time in an environment like that ? Because you seem to be hyper vigilant. And that’s for you to sort out and stop pulling him up on compketely innocent things.

You apologized a few days later?

When you feel angry/anxious/pressured, do you always feel it’s his responsibility to reassure you or placate you? Or do you take a deep breath and say to yourself, “Is this feeling something valid that he’s actually responsible for, or is it my anxiety/irrational thought process responsible here?”

If it’s the latter, that’s a You problem, and you need to figure out how to deal with it. If he didn’t cause the problem, stop asking him to fix the problem.

Or use the “reasonable person” test - is how you react to things the same way a reasonable person would? If not, that’s what you should be seeking help for, not for your relationship.

Not saying your feelings aren’t valid, but deal with the “how” and “why” you feel that way to help you see things differently, not solely expecting him to make you feel better. Especially when he’s doing nothing wrong.

Please break up and move away. This relationship is clearly not working. It is not normal to put your ear to the bathroom door to listen to your partner in the shower so you can hear it better and then make his private practice speech all about you. He has nothing to apologise for and he was right to cut you off. It does not matter if his tone was negative or not. It wasn't anything to do with you so the poor man can speak to himself in whatever tone he pleases! You should be apologising to him for invading his privacy, recording conversations and generally being abusive.