My sister moved house without telling us

[OliveIsMad]

I got a text from my sister today to say that she’s moved house and here’s her new address. Hadn’t told any of us that she was moving house or even that she was thinking about it.

She does this all the time. She didn’t tell any of us that she was pregnant until she was about six months along — she just turned up one day with a bump and was like, Oh yeah, we’re having a baby lol. And when she had the baby, she didn’t tell us until the next day when she got home from the hospital. None of us even knew that she was in labour. She literally had a whole baby and then told us that she had given birth THE NEXT DAY once she was home. And we barely see the child (now 2) and my own mother has only held her granddaughter a handful of times. Bear in mind that my sister lives about ten minutes away. (The new house is also ten minutes away but in the opposite direction. I only know this because I had to Google the address.)

You know how I found out that she ran the London Marathon? I found her participation medal in her car. Turns out, she’d trained to run a 5k, then trained to run a 10k, then a half marathon, then a marathon. Took her two years. None of us even knew that she could run. Hadn’t thought to mention it.

She gets promoted or changes jobs, buys a new car, goes on holiday and we only hear about it weeks, months or even years later. She mentioned in passing once that she’d been to Australia. It was YEARS ago. She went to fucking Australia for like two weeks and literally none of us knew.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out. My other sister is also like this, although she still lives at home so partly it’s because of proximity. But my big sister acts as if she doesn’t give a toss about any of us.

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us. I get that she’s big on independence, but there’s being independent and then there’s just being a bitch. If she thinks of us at all, it’s as an after thought.

Gah. Rant over.

I think its a case that she gets a thrill out of keeping you out of loop when other people already knew whatever the information was. It signifies from her point of view that you are not important to her, least mot as important as a neighbour or the postman! My sister loves nothing more than for me to hear something second hand. I find it so odd she takes pleasure in it but yet she does! Weird!!

This post is insane. You feel so entitled to your sister's life and then call her controlling? Take a look at yourself.

If you feel entitled to give an opinion on everything she does, it's no wonder she doesn't tell you. Not quite the same, but my Mum was a worrier; so if it didn't concern her we simply didn't tell her about something.

why do you care so much? why are you so angry about this?

I can't see how your sister being very private and not telling you every single thing that is going on in her life actually affects you in any negative way.

How would knowing she had done the London marathon, for example, actually made any difference to your life?

She isn't "gatekeeping" anything.

OP why do you share everything with your mother - what would happen if you made a decision without rubbing it by her first? Do you ever go against her decision, or do you somehow always find yourself in agreement with her?

it sounds, from an outside perspective, that from an early age you recognised the best defence with your emotionally abusive mother was to seek her approval on EVERY little thing, and he sure never to disagree with her. You may not even remember how this started, but it’s likely from you seeing how your big sister was treated… even if you’ve blocked those memories now.

Your sister has likely had therapy to work through her trauma. It might be useful for you to have therapy too as it seems you haven’t learned any independence at all.

Everyone’s different. You should be used to it by now!

@Travelfairy she gets a thrill, she loves telling her neighbour and postman she's moving house before you because she takes pleasure in how that makes you feel...? You have surely just constructed this narrative in your head? What evidence do you have - i.e. she has explicitly said this to you - that she has this mindset?

The relationship between you and your parents sounds very claustrophobic. It’s like you never grew into adulthood. I’m honestly not surprised that your sister wants to keep her distance and live her life without your input out judgement.

I give my mother limited information because she makes an enormous fuss about everything and the unwanted input is overwhelming. I let her know when something is a fair accompli. Thankfully my sibling is more relaxed and less intrusive. I think I understand why your sister is the way she is and frankly I don't blame her. TBH I am wondering how you can truly be so obtuse.

Absolutely agree that OP could benefit from therapy. I’m convinced that she would be way happier if she could find a way to loosen her grip on this situation and stop her sister from living rent free in her head. And yes, it may be that examining her own relationship with her mother would help with that . . .

What you are saying is that you want a relationship with your sister that is fully on your terms, your terms being the complete sharing of your lives. That's not how relationships work. Your terms don't trump someone else's. Do you understand that? I think you should go and get some therapy. Your post at best seems to lack any self awareness or social intelligence, and at worst quite frankly is unhinged.

She's obviously got issues, real or imagined. Just so you don't feel quite so bad my DSIS moved house twice and didn't tell anyone in the family! The rest of us were wtf?? We found out months later in both cases.

OP you don't seem to have reflected at all on your own relationship with your mother - yes your sisters relationship may be at the more extreme end of keeping distance but yours is also very extreme the other way.

Might it be an oldest sibling thing - nothing is shared because they were the only one for a while? My eldest brother is like this. He has a house in Ireland but I don't have the address. Last move I only got the address because I had to send him something to be signed. Wouldn't have a clue where he went on holiday - ever. Doesn't do social media and hasn't got a mobile (that we know of)

I think your sister is just more private and I bet one of you is the golden child and she’s fed up of hearing it.

You don’t call a sister you love a bitch for making her own choices in life.

You need to have a think about why you resent her for being her own person so much.

I like her. She just gets on with it. Doesn't push her achievements in faces and float about life. She is enjoying it in the moment. Some post everything in all forums. Total respect for her.

I think it's a case that she gets a thrill out of keeping you out of loop when other people already knew whatever the information was. It signifies from her point of view that you are not important to her, least mot as important as a neighbour or the postman! My sister loves nothing more than for me to hear something second hand. I find it so odd she takes pleasure in it but yet she does! Weird!!

You sound a lot like my brother. He's convinced I enjoy other people knowing things before him, or it being someone beneath him (in his opinion) that tells him things.

I don't care at all. I'm NC with him for a reason. I couldn't care less if he never found out another single detail of my life, and on the occasions he does I don't care if he finds out from the King, a binman or whatever local gossip he meets - it makes zero difference to me or my life whatsoever.

What a bizarre post.

I like your sister: she gets on with life and minds her own business.

Try it.

Yeah, your childhood sounds far from good. You don’t sound “close” you sound incredibly co-dependent and can’t even choose kitchen tiles without validation.
She was the outcast and sees the toxic lack of boundaries more clearly for what it was.

I absolutely love that she is absolutely smashing her life, for HER and doesn’t need your kudos. Maybe you can learn something from her.

If this is how she is then leave her to it and stop trying to control her. It’s weird that you’re getting so riled up because she doesn’t want to share things that are none of your concern with you (probably because she doesn’t want or need your opinions on any of HER choices).

You aren’t that close. Get over it and get on with your own life.

To be fair OP you really come across as saying,

‘I dislike and despise you, I think you’re odd, a liar and a fantasist; now why don’t you want to hang out with me all the time?!’

I mean…

This is what I thought too. I couldn’t believe this could possibly be real.

OP - your sister holds back because she knows giving you information would be opening the floodgates to intrusive, judgement commentary on every decision she makes. She’s looked at you, a grown woman unable to choose a drawer handle without mummy’s permission, and has quite rightly thought “Sod that for a life”. You learn about her house moves, job moves/promotions etc. after the fact because she knows that to tell you before would mean a series of uninvited (and most likely negative) opinions. She “gatekeeps” her life because she knows you and your mother would not be able to resist telling her why everything she’s doing is wrong.

Your examples of her supposedly odd behaviour are ridiculous. You’re aghast that she told you she’d given birth the day after it happened. You make it sound like she kept her daughter a secret for 20 years! She went on holiday and didn’t tell you about it - big deal! Why did you need to know? Why do you think you have any say in where she lives or what she does for a living?

Frankly I think you’re lucky your sister keeps up the level of contact she does. If I’d run that marathon I wouldn’t stop running.

My mum was like this. Never cared to share that she'd been abroad until she got back, despite me being her only child, living just 10 minutes way. One time when she was away (unbeknown to me) I let myself into her house (my former home) to collect some of my misdelivered mail - I found a note on the table addressed to me saying, 'If you're reading this, something bad has happened to me - the house is yours.' It was most bizarre. I never understood the need for such secrecy. It made me feel on edge around her.

I'm a bit surprised your sister has any contact with you at all. You sound suffocating.