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Original poster

My sister moved house without telling us

417 replies

OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 20:55

I got a text from my sister today to say that she’s moved house and here’s her new address. Hadn’t told any of us that she was moving house or even that she was thinking about it.

She does this all the time. She didn’t tell any of us that she was pregnant until she was about six months along — she just turned up one day with a bump and was like, Oh yeah, we’re having a baby lol. And when she had the baby, she didn’t tell us until the next day when she got home from the hospital. None of us even knew that she was in labour. She literally had a whole baby and then told us that she had given birth THE NEXT DAY once she was home. And we barely see the child (now 2) and my own mother has only held her granddaughter a handful of times. Bear in mind that my sister lives about ten minutes away. (The new house is also ten minutes away but in the opposite direction. I only know this because I had to Google the address.)

You know how I found out that she ran the London Marathon? I found her participation medal in her car. Turns out, she’d trained to run a 5k, then trained to run a 10k, then a half marathon, then a marathon. Took her two years. None of us even knew that she could run. Hadn’t thought to mention it.

She gets promoted or changes jobs, buys a new car, goes on holiday and we only hear about it weeks, months or even years later. She mentioned in passing once that she’d been to Australia. It was YEARS ago. She went to fucking Australia for like two weeks and literally none of us knew.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out. My other sister is also like this, although she still lives at home so partly it’s because of proximity. But my big sister acts as if she doesn’t give a toss about any of us.

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us. I get that she’s big on independence, but there’s being independent and then there’s just being a bitch. If she thinks of us at all, it’s as an after thought.

Gah. Rant over.

OP posts:
murasaki · 21/07/2025 23:13

She's good at setting boundaries, and I'm sure her daughter has a lovely family, it just doesn't include you. Let it go. She doesn't want it, you can't force it. And the more you nag, the further she'll go. Next time she moves, you'll never know about it, and i wouldn't blame her. It's a myth that you were all close.

junkmaail · 21/07/2025 23:13

You sound absolutely horrible! No wonder she wants hardly anything to do with you all!

RepoTheGeriatricOpera · 21/07/2025 23:15

And I feel sorry for my niece, who is missing out on having a big, happy family.

Don't feel sorry for your niece, she's got great Mum who's protecting her from a toxic/abusive family.

Blueberrymuffinsforthewin · 21/07/2025 23:15

I'm the eldest sibling and from my experience I was aware of a lot more than my younger siblings growing up as I shielded them from things. They don't remember for this reason and I'm the 'odd one' of the family so to speak.

Also my sibling had an eating problem in the nineties and my mother was very aware of it, got her help, bought books to read about it so I'd say in the 2000 it was something that was 'out there'.

mdinbc · 21/07/2025 23:16

Have just read the first and last pages of this thread, and I see everyone here seems to think you are too intrusive, but to be honest I would be hurt if my sister was so distant as well.

can you ring her up about every third week and just catchup and have a phone visit or ask her around for a coffee? You don’t need to be a part of her everyday life, but it sounds like you only talk to her a few times a year.

Okiedokie123 · 21/07/2025 23:16

Not wanting to keep you/her family involved and updated on her life doesnt make her a bitch. She likes her privacy and thats ok.
Your insistence that you have a right to know........... that makes you seem like a bitch.
Maybe thats why she keeps herself to herself. Or maybe shes just not that into you.
Or maybe sharing facts just isnt her thing generally.
Either way from what she has said she seems happy. If she wants to "gatekeep" it really is up to her.

Vaxtable · 21/07/2025 23:17

YANBU. She doesn’t have to tell you every single detail of her life. Just because you choose to run everything past your mum doesn’t mean she has to.

you imply by the word were that you have a partner, I would be really pissed off if every decision had to be run past my mil.

ExercicenformedeZ · 21/07/2025 23:17

OMG. If I was your sister, I would permanently move to Australia, never mind going there for two weeks. And I wouldn't speak to any of you again.

JudgeJ · 21/07/2025 23:17

AtBeaverGoat · 21/07/2025 21:07

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us.

this is what most people do - you are the odd one here really

I find it odd that there are so many people who have to 'share' the details of their lives with all the family! Why on earth does anyone need to know if one's in labour, we didn't even tell anyone the true due dates. Once the baby's born, that's the time to tell people.

murasaki · 21/07/2025 23:18

It's not a happy family if one member isn't happy being part of it, and she isn't, and you aren't as you want to force her into it amd she isn't playing ball. Just take what you have and enjoy that, although I suspect you're all masking bar your sister who has decided she doesn't want to.

joliefolle · 21/07/2025 23:19

Just let her be. You, your mum and your other sister are all fine together. Just let her be and the rest of you crack on.

nomas · 21/07/2025 23:19

This is one of those threads where we really the sister’s version of the truth.

You sound very entitled to your sister’s life. She is allowed to keep you at arms length.

ARichtGoodDram · 21/07/2025 23:21

mdinbc · 21/07/2025 23:16

Have just read the first and last pages of this thread, and I see everyone here seems to think you are too intrusive, but to be honest I would be hurt if my sister was so distant as well.

can you ring her up about every third week and just catchup and have a phone visit or ask her around for a coffee? You don’t need to be a part of her everyday life, but it sounds like you only talk to her a few times a year.

Maybe read the post showing how dismissive the OP is of her sisters eating disorder and it might give some enlightenment on the sisters position

nomas · 21/07/2025 23:21

We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric.

This would fill me with horror. Your sister is right not to get involved in this nonsense.

Sounds like you want another relative to bore.

Agapornis · 21/07/2025 23:21

This reminds me of the time I (as an adult) tried to talk to my mum about my dad hitting me fairly regularly during childhood. In response she said it only happened once or twice, and I was always a very dramatic child.

So I tried. And she wonders why I'm not emotionally close to her and my dad. Fuck that shit.

"a bit of an issue with food" I wonder why! 🤔🤦🏻 What on earth would she get out of sharing more with you?

whitewineandsun · 21/07/2025 23:22

I think it sounds like you're lucky to have the address at all. Good for her.

We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric.

This seems healthy to you? Yikes.

MooreMooreMoore · 21/07/2025 23:23

Your sister sounds like a grown up. You sound like a dependent child. 🤷‍♀️

Icanflyhigh · 21/07/2025 23:26

She's an adult right?
So she can do whatever the hell she likes and it's none of your business.

Sorry but that's just the way it is!

Travelfairy · 21/07/2025 23:26

Ugh, my sister is the same.
I get it OP. Same scenario re pregnancy....cars...house purchase.....

Its a control thing was what a therapist told me. Not my therapist, a friend who is a therapist! Definitely rings true for my sister. She seems to get a 'kick' out of keeping secrets, no matter how big or small. Sometimes its ridiculous things...

I just let her now, mel Robbins style!! I find it incredibly childish and pathetic tbh so I feel your pain!

sweetpickle2 · 21/07/2025 23:31

I think you’re lucky that your sister speaks to you at all.

joliefolle · 21/07/2025 23:31

How can someone 'control' you by not telling you about their car and house changes unless you feel that this is vital information that you MUST know the moment they decide to do it. Who is being controlling in this situation?

ZoomingSusan · 21/07/2025 23:32

Your memory is of a happy childhood but your sister remembers it differently and may find your insistence on the closeness and happiness quite hard to deal with.
Your mum saying she was planning to send you all to Australia, and letting her hear her making the arrangements, must have been terrifying. Your mum knew she didn't mean it, but a child would not.

PaLilli60 · 21/07/2025 23:35

Usually when someone in a family acts in the way your sister acts, it's because other people in the family are toxic or don't respect boundaries, and so a way to protect themselves. Maybe the problem is you.

Jewel52 · 21/07/2025 23:35

SheridansPortSalut · 21/07/2025 21:45

I understand completly.

My sister is the same. I find it bizarre. I also get the impression that she has a chip on her shoulder about not being congratulated on the achievements that she keeps secretHmm. It's like she keeps a tally in her head of all the ways she was wronged but most of them either didn't happen or they're situations that she engineered herself.

Edited

This is about your situation and doesn’t correspond to anything the op has said about her sister. She literally isn’t telling them things e.g. running a marathon so how would she be annoyed about a lack of praise?

Sunflower459 · 21/07/2025 23:37

joliefolle · 21/07/2025 23:31

How can someone 'control' you by not telling you about their car and house changes unless you feel that this is vital information that you MUST know the moment they decide to do it. Who is being controlling in this situation?

Yes, that is a bit arseways. I suppose it could be a means of control if it’s information the withholding of which could have a substantial impact on others, but the simplest explanation in these situations is usually that the person withholding is just protecting their peace and isn’t trying to make their family feel anything in particular. I think some people do genuinely have a hard time believing that not everything is about them.