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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My sister moved house without telling us

417 replies

OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 20:55

I got a text from my sister today to say that she’s moved house and here’s her new address. Hadn’t told any of us that she was moving house or even that she was thinking about it.

She does this all the time. She didn’t tell any of us that she was pregnant until she was about six months along — she just turned up one day with a bump and was like, Oh yeah, we’re having a baby lol. And when she had the baby, she didn’t tell us until the next day when she got home from the hospital. None of us even knew that she was in labour. She literally had a whole baby and then told us that she had given birth THE NEXT DAY once she was home. And we barely see the child (now 2) and my own mother has only held her granddaughter a handful of times. Bear in mind that my sister lives about ten minutes away. (The new house is also ten minutes away but in the opposite direction. I only know this because I had to Google the address.)

You know how I found out that she ran the London Marathon? I found her participation medal in her car. Turns out, she’d trained to run a 5k, then trained to run a 10k, then a half marathon, then a marathon. Took her two years. None of us even knew that she could run. Hadn’t thought to mention it.

She gets promoted or changes jobs, buys a new car, goes on holiday and we only hear about it weeks, months or even years later. She mentioned in passing once that she’d been to Australia. It was YEARS ago. She went to fucking Australia for like two weeks and literally none of us knew.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out. My other sister is also like this, although she still lives at home so partly it’s because of proximity. But my big sister acts as if she doesn’t give a toss about any of us.

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us. I get that she’s big on independence, but there’s being independent and then there’s just being a bitch. If she thinks of us at all, it’s as an after thought.

Gah. Rant over.

OP posts:
Pussygaloregalapagos · 22/07/2025 02:42

I like the cut of your sisters gib. Nonchalant. I am an over sharer myself wish I could be more like her.

MyHappyFawn · 22/07/2025 03:42

You could try a different perspective. Her lived experiences of her childhood aren’t wrong, they’re different to yours. She’s a different person to you. Stop minimising her experience of your parents and try some empathy.

thepariscrimefiles · 22/07/2025 04:00

OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 22:35

A lot of people have made references to the “traumatic childhood” that my sister alludes to, and I wish I could give examples of some of the things she’s described so that you know how silly they are, but I don’t want to be too specific as I don’t know whether she uses Mumsnet. But it’s things like: one time our little sister was naughty and our mum slapped her on the arm and our older sister saw and got so scared that she screamed and ran away and hid. Our mum literally lost her temper one time and she’s holding a grudge about it all these years later.

Another example is that she (my older sister) had a bit of an issue with food during secondary school and our mum found out about it and didn’t give her the right kind of support — because it was the 2000s and no one knew about that sort of thing yet. I’m sure she’d handle it very differently now.

One time our mum threatened to send us all to live with our Nana and Grandad because we were being naughty. Obviously she was never going to do it, but my sister says she pretended to call them on the phone and asked them to come and take us away because we were horrible children. She talks about this like it’s emotional abuse but it’s clearly the actions of a desperate woman with three small girls whose husband was always at work. As a mother herself (as I am), I think she should feel sorry for our mum. She’s actually become even more distant since having her daughter, meaning that the poor kid barely has any relationship with her own family.

Of course people knew about eating disorders in the 2000s! What a ridiculous thing to say. Didn't your mum even consult your GP?

Why should your sister feel sorry for your mum? Some of the things that your mum has done sound quite fucked up to me.

The rest of you sound ridiculously enmeshed to an unhealthy extent. Why on earth would a grown woman need to run every single decision past her mum?

It's pretty obvious why your older sister keeps you all at arm's length.

Richiewoo · 22/07/2025 05:42

OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 21:23

I don’t think she’s private, I think she’s secretive on purpose to make herself seem mysterious and interesting.

I’ve spoken to her about it and she said that she’s not as close with us (“us” being me, our younger sister and our parents) as we are with each other and has never felt that way and always felt like the odd man out, even when she were kids, which is absolute BS, we were very close as kids. We were always a very close family and I don’t get why she’s pretending otherwise. She also has some personal issues with our mum and dad that have been blown way out of proportion to the point where she’s basically saying that she has “childhood trauma”, which again is nonsense, we had an extremely happy childhood.

Show quote history

You sound ignorant. Not all siblings have the same experience. Stop being judgemental and back off

PandaKunKun · 22/07/2025 05:46

Your sister sounds like the only sane one in your family.

Clara27 · 22/07/2025 06:06

somethingbeginningwithb · 22/07/2025 01:03

My mum was like this. Never cared to share that she'd been abroad until she got back, despite me being her only child, living just 10 minutes way. One time when she was away (unbeknown to me) I let myself into her house (my former home) to collect some of my misdelivered mail - I found a note on the table addressed to me saying, 'If you're reading this, something bad has happened to me - the house is yours.' It was most bizarre. I never understood the need for such secrecy. It made me feel on edge around her.

That’s very strange and unsettling behaviour. Did she never explain the note?

RetroViral · 22/07/2025 06:10

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/07/2025 20:57

I can totally see why your sister is the way she is....

Enlighten us?

Clara27 · 22/07/2025 06:11

Your sister is doing what she needs to for her own sanity and protection. Why do you think you know more about her feelings than she does? It sounds like she is trying to maintain a relationship with you all despite the potentially damaging effects of it on her. Sounds like she’s balanced and emotionally intelligent and her daughter sounds lucky to have her.

AbsoluteBeginner1 · 22/07/2025 06:24

@OliveIsMad the only person I know who does this, genuinely feels like she isnt close to her family, that they prefer her siblings to her. She got married without telling them, moved home etc. There's a long history there where they were very controlling as parents and whilst her siblings have forgiven/were treated ok, she hasn't. But instead of complete estrangement, she does this. It kinda keeps the peace that way.

MyDeftDuck · 22/07/2025 06:26

Your sister isn’t ’gate keeping’ she is living her life the way she wants to! She doesn’t have to tell her siblings and her mother every time she goes to the toilet, which is pretty much how you live your life OP. Just because you want to share every detail with your mother and sister does not make anyone a bitch for not wanting to do the same.
Do grown up and live your life…….stop judging others for the way they live theirs.

RetroViral · 22/07/2025 06:27

OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 22:35

A lot of people have made references to the “traumatic childhood” that my sister alludes to, and I wish I could give examples of some of the things she’s described so that you know how silly they are, but I don’t want to be too specific as I don’t know whether she uses Mumsnet. But it’s things like: one time our little sister was naughty and our mum slapped her on the arm and our older sister saw and got so scared that she screamed and ran away and hid. Our mum literally lost her temper one time and she’s holding a grudge about it all these years later.

Another example is that she (my older sister) had a bit of an issue with food during secondary school and our mum found out about it and didn’t give her the right kind of support — because it was the 2000s and no one knew about that sort of thing yet. I’m sure she’d handle it very differently now.

One time our mum threatened to send us all to live with our Nana and Grandad because we were being naughty. Obviously she was never going to do it, but my sister says she pretended to call them on the phone and asked them to come and take us away because we were horrible children. She talks about this like it’s emotional abuse but it’s clearly the actions of a desperate woman with three small girls whose husband was always at work. As a mother herself (as I am), I think she should feel sorry for our mum. She’s actually become even more distant since having her daughter, meaning that the poor kid barely has any relationship with her own family.

I hate to break this to you but it was emotional abuse. Just because you don't see it as such doesn't change that. It effects different children in the same family unit in different ways. Some of the more resilient children will be unaffected and will grow up not seeing the big deal, others will be more sensitive and as they grow become more enlightened and see it for what it is. Her experience was just different to yours. That's all it is, difference. The easier option is to accept her for who she is and stop minimising and diminishing her experience just because it wasn't the same as yours. She's explained why she keeps you all at arms length. She's entitled to have boundaries to keep her safe emotionally. Respect those boundaries even if you don't agree with them.

BlankBlankBlank14 · 22/07/2025 06:37

I can understand your sister keeping everything private. You are enmeshed and that’s a serious issue.

Who asks their mum what colour or design kitchen they should have….

HideousKinky · 22/07/2025 06:44

You are not respecting your sister's perspective which is different from yours.
You seem to think your perceptions trump hers.

You admit that your other sister understands her point of view but you don't.
This is why she doesn't want to be part of your so-called big happy family.
Her feelings have been dismissed

terracelane23 · 22/07/2025 06:45

Sounds like she’s just not that close to you all.

PithyTaupeWriter · 22/07/2025 06:45

OP, I think you are a very insecure and jealous person. It’s astounding how you have to seek your mother’s approval for everything. Perhaps reflect on why. At a guess, your sister is very accomplished and you haven’t done as much as she has and you are very jealous of her. She’s learned that if she ever talks about her achievements, you find a way to knock her down. Possibly by using the achievements of other people to rubbish hers. She’s found that the best way to protect herself without going NC is to keep things to herself. I like the way your sister operates and I think her child is very lucky to have her for a mother.

CandidHedgehog · 22/07/2025 06:49

RetroViral · 22/07/2025 06:27

I hate to break this to you but it was emotional abuse. Just because you don't see it as such doesn't change that. It effects different children in the same family unit in different ways. Some of the more resilient children will be unaffected and will grow up not seeing the big deal, others will be more sensitive and as they grow become more enlightened and see it for what it is. Her experience was just different to yours. That's all it is, difference. The easier option is to accept her for who she is and stop minimising and diminishing her experience just because it wasn't the same as yours. She's explained why she keeps you all at arms length. She's entitled to have boundaries to keep her safe emotionally. Respect those boundaries even if you don't agree with them.

Show quote history

I completely agree this was emotional abuse but in my view the other children weren’t more resilient. The OP seems to have chosen ‘fawn’ rather than ‘flee’ but her relationship with her mother doesn’t sound at all healthy.

What would happen if her mother disapproved of the kitchen choices, I wonder?

METimezone · 22/07/2025 06:52

I'm calling reverse.

On the off-chance it isn't, it's fair enough to be sad that your sister isn't as close as you say the rest of you are, wish things were different and seek a closer relationship, but it is not fair enough to be annoyed about it, belittle her reasons or otherwise try to force her into the fold.

You have no right to information about another adult's life - sister (or daughter) or not. She is allowed to live her life however she wishes and tell you or not tell you what she likes. If you really want a close relationship with her then you need to build that as you would with anyone, while also accepting they simply might not want it.

You're not entitled to her.

Heyisforhorses · 22/07/2025 06:54

@OliveIsMad Why would you be unsure if your other sisters relationship will change when she moves out? I'm wondering this as she says she understands your older sister so maybe has her own reasons.

Your older sister has told you some of her reasons for staying away, you've dismissed them. She tried to talk, she hit a wall with you, so you've solidified her decision to live a separate life.

Be happy to see her when she comes to things, wish her well with her life and drop your outrage. You had a chance to start a deeper relationship when she spoke with you, you chose not to so leave her be.

CandidHedgehog · 22/07/2025 06:55

PithyTaupeWriter · 22/07/2025 06:45

OP, I think you are a very insecure and jealous person. It’s astounding how you have to seek your mother’s approval for everything. Perhaps reflect on why. At a guess, your sister is very accomplished and you haven’t done as much as she has and you are very jealous of her. She’s learned that if she ever talks about her achievements, you find a way to knock her down. Possibly by using the achievements of other people to rubbish hers. She’s found that the best way to protect herself without going NC is to keep things to herself. I like the way your sister operates and I think her child is very lucky to have her for a mother.

I have a bit more sympathy for the OP. It sounds like she has never managed to recognise that her mother’s behaviour to her sister was abusive. The excuse that people didn’t know how to handle eating disorders in the early 2000s is frankly ridiculous which suggests to me the OP is still frantically trying to pretend to herself that she has a good mother who has just made some mistakes.

Her description of her own enmeshed relationship with her mother suggests her sister wasn’t the only victim, too.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 22/07/2025 06:55

OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 22:35

A lot of people have made references to the “traumatic childhood” that my sister alludes to, and I wish I could give examples of some of the things she’s described so that you know how silly they are, but I don’t want to be too specific as I don’t know whether she uses Mumsnet. But it’s things like: one time our little sister was naughty and our mum slapped her on the arm and our older sister saw and got so scared that she screamed and ran away and hid. Our mum literally lost her temper one time and she’s holding a grudge about it all these years later.

Another example is that she (my older sister) had a bit of an issue with food during secondary school and our mum found out about it and didn’t give her the right kind of support — because it was the 2000s and no one knew about that sort of thing yet. I’m sure she’d handle it very differently now.

One time our mum threatened to send us all to live with our Nana and Grandad because we were being naughty. Obviously she was never going to do it, but my sister says she pretended to call them on the phone and asked them to come and take us away because we were horrible children. She talks about this like it’s emotional abuse but it’s clearly the actions of a desperate woman with three small girls whose husband was always at work. As a mother herself (as I am), I think she should feel sorry for our mum. She’s actually become even more distant since having her daughter, meaning that the poor kid barely has any relationship with her own family.

Bit of an issue with food

OP, that's an eating disorder. That's a serious mental health issue. You are glossing over how your mother didn't support her child in crisis.

OP, I've been you. Completely totally enmeshed with my mother, constant contact (to the exclusion of other activities) and constantly defending her against my siblings who saw her as a bad mother and didn't want anything tk do with her.

Surprise, surprise, I finally realised I was enmeshed and that she was emotionally abusive and manipulative and that I was her flying monkey. Listen back to your first post -what does is MATTER if your DSis has been to Australia previously? How does that affect your life? How does it cause a problem or a deficit in your life today? It doesn't. It only is a problem if you want to emotionally control others because of your own issues.

themoirarosee · 22/07/2025 06:58

I genuinely think this is written about me . .

Only I’m the younger sister. My family is a bunch of irritating, borderline abusive, incredibly enmeshed toddlers.

Like your sister I keep myself to myself. Forged my own ‘chosen’ family of friends. It’s much nicer I can promise you that.

I’d leave her be.

Relaxd · 22/07/2025 06:59

Wow. She’s an adult. The reason you don’t know what is going on is because likely you never take a genuine interest in her life, you expect to be told everything by default and seem to think you or your Mum should be consulted in some way on decisions that are nothing to do with you. I suspect what you really want is a closer relationship where you naturally chat about things you are planning, but it is the controlling undertone in your post and from your Mum that will be pushing her away because sharing anything means being judged and told what to do. As others have said, I’m not sure it’s your sister who has the real problems here.

CandidHedgehog · 22/07/2025 07:03

Also, the OP lists her sister’s issues with their mother so the sister has obviously tried to talk to her. If the OP responded as she did in her post (minimise, minimise, nobody had a clue about eating disorders in 2000 (lie), you’re overreacting etc.), I’m not surprise the sister has cut her off too.

With abusive parents, keeping their flying monkeys in your life means you might as well not bother with distancing from the parent in question!

The sister seems to have wanted to have a relationship with the OP since she has tried to have a discussion of her issues with their mother but the OP has made it clear she is choosing Mummy. With the level of enmeshment the OP describes, I can see why the sister put the whole family on an information diet.

CharityShopMensGlasses · 22/07/2025 07:05

It sounds like you have insecure attachment.
Only you can really provide yourself with that full reassurance you're looking for. He shouldn't be being harangued in the shower. Is this something that will ever make you happy?

Spindrifts · 22/07/2025 07:07

Do you bank roll her life? If no, then her business, her life, her world. At least you are in contact and do learn about it later. Perhaps she is an introvert and does not want to wear her life on her sleeve. This needs to be respected especially in our modern world where everything his social media and often gets misinterpreted. Value the time and conversations you have with her and your family and stop thinking that you should know everything about everyone. Focus on your own best life which, I presume, you do bank roll.