My sister moved house without telling us

[OliveIsMad]

I got a text from my sister today to say that she’s moved house and here’s her new address. Hadn’t told any of us that she was moving house or even that she was thinking about it.

She does this all the time. She didn’t tell any of us that she was pregnant until she was about six months along — she just turned up one day with a bump and was like, Oh yeah, we’re having a baby lol. And when she had the baby, she didn’t tell us until the next day when she got home from the hospital. None of us even knew that she was in labour. She literally had a whole baby and then told us that she had given birth THE NEXT DAY once she was home. And we barely see the child (now 2) and my own mother has only held her granddaughter a handful of times. Bear in mind that my sister lives about ten minutes away. (The new house is also ten minutes away but in the opposite direction. I only know this because I had to Google the address.)

You know how I found out that she ran the London Marathon? I found her participation medal in her car. Turns out, she’d trained to run a 5k, then trained to run a 10k, then a half marathon, then a marathon. Took her two years. None of us even knew that she could run. Hadn’t thought to mention it.

She gets promoted or changes jobs, buys a new car, goes on holiday and we only hear about it weeks, months or even years later. She mentioned in passing once that she’d been to Australia. It was YEARS ago. She went to fucking Australia for like two weeks and literally none of us knew.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out. My other sister is also like this, although she still lives at home so partly it’s because of proximity. But my big sister acts as if she doesn’t give a toss about any of us.

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us. I get that she’s big on independence, but there’s being independent and then there’s just being a bitch. If she thinks of us at all, it’s as an after thought.

Gah. Rant over.

You clearly have no idea how the golden child and scapegoat thing works in siblings.

Your mother cannot be the child that is the scapegoat

Agree with others that your sister isn’t the problem in the relationship.

Im kinda like this... for 2 reasons..

Im VERY close with my family but they tend to get overly involved. Especially my sister and mum. Very nosey and like to know literally everything in mine and my other siblings lives. I love them dearly but I'd rather just do things and tell them after so I don't get the whole 1000 questions and/or story of how it's a good idea or not. They are very mothering by nature and I find it overwhelming. Im very independent.

Secondly.. im just like that! I do things and just... don't think to tell people really! I also don't like a fuss or a big deal made of me. I kinda like to quietly celebrate my achievements.

Some people are just like that... Your care comes from love but maybe she doesn't want that fuss/interference in her life.

OP, have you actually considered why you want a closer relationship with someone who you regard as misrepresenting her treatment at the hands of your mother? I’m still not seeing why you’re so angry about the emotional distance between you when you don’t seem to like her very much anyway. You are satisfied, rightly or wrongly, that you were neither abused nor neglected. Where does this need to have that belief validated by your sister come from?

There's no fondness or concern in OP's posts, just anger that she can't control her sister's behaviour.

This is very true.
Why do you want to know? Is it because you (you, your sister and parents) want to be controlling her life decisions and make them group discussions? She finds the sort of the relationship that you have with your parents claustrophobic as would many.

When I tell people on here to carefully consider the info that they share with family, it’s because they have a disproportionate reaction to mundane stuff like an adult woman considering moving house. You sound very dramatic and your sister is reasonably avoiding that as she probably finds it stressful.

Why are you discussing every detail about your kitchen with your mum? Do you lack the confidence to make decisions or is it because not discussing with your mum risks some sort of reaction later?

You are making the biggest mistake that so many people in life do; you are expecting her to see, feel and react how YOU would. You will always be disappointed.

Yeah, your sister isn't the problem here. The rest of you are but you will never see it.

OP your posts are absolutely dripping with contempt for your sister, you clearly don't like her very much and don't respect her feelings at all.

Why on earth would she want to be close to someone who displays that kind of attitude towards her?

She's the normal one, and good on her for building a nice life for herself and maintaining healthy boundaries. You're enmeshed and have some odd ideas about what a normal family behaves like.

OP - when you say you run everything by your parents, do they tend to have opinions about these things and do you usually go along with their ideas?

My parents used to have strong ideas about how things should be done so I just got better at waiting until after I’d bought a car/booked a holiday/got a new job etc and then told them.

Be honest, if your parents knew your sister was looking for a new house, would they want to be involved? Asking where she was looking to buy, suggesting how much she should offer, preferring one house on her short list than others etc. would they want to be updated along the way? Waiting until it’s all sorted is just easier with some people.

You might be able to handle your parents so they don’t overwhelm you, but this may be just how she handles them.

I’ve read that this is a very common thing in new mothers. Evidently there seems to be something about motherhood that, for some, throws one’s own mistreatment in childhood into sharper relief.

Sorry I forgot to add the last bit! Just let her get on with things. She clearly doesn't want that kind of relationship with you. I totally get it. Im the same as her.

There's no need to over think it or get annoyed about it. Just roll with it and be happy for her when you do find out she has moved house/changed jobs/had a baby.

We all like to live our lives differently and some of us just honestly prefer it this way.

I can kind of see why she wouldn’t want to hang out with you OP. Is your other sister like this too?

Why do you dislike her so much? Why are you so angry? Do you feel rejected by her?

Can’t you just accept her for the person she is?

Wtf? This is unhinged. You sound absolutely invasive. Leave her alone!

Have you and Mum been dishing out unsolicited advice continually and she's come up with a very clever way of avoiding it?

Sounds like two extremes really. It is strange to tell family so little, but could it be a reaction to your family’s way of telling each other so much?

Team sister here.
You actually sound like a child.

She is an adult and does not have to keep you informed of every single thing that she does.

Frankly your expectations are just not healthy.

My other sister is much more like me. She butts heads with our mum but is still very close with her and our dad, and she’ll hang out with us. She’s still living at home though so I don’t know whether that will change one day when she moves out but we’ll see. She does, however, say that she understands our older sister’s perspective. She’s saved in her phone as ‘Unbothered Queen’ or something.

I actually do love my sister (both my sisters) but I can’t understand why she’s like this and keeps pushing us away and pretending that we were never close and acting like she doesn’t even think about us. If she’s the odd one out, that’s only because she’s chosen for it to be that way. I think it sucks that she basically doesn’t seem to want anything to do with us. And I feel sorry for my niece, who is missing out on having a big, happy family.

"it was the 2000s and no one knew about that sort of thing yet. I’m sure she’d handle it very differently now."

Bullshit.

What an utter crock of bullshit. My sister had an issue surrounding eating in the 1980s and she had treatment that was understanding and decent.

Your mum tried to ignore a mental health issue and an eating disorder and you wonder why your sister holds your parents at arms length.

Give your head a wobble.

I dont blame her ! Id hate to have that level of involvement in someone else’s life . She obviously doesn’t feel the need to run every decision past the family or for them to be so involved in her life

You're missing the point OP. In your sister's eyes you're not a big happy family.

You don’t need to ‘understand’ her. You just have to accept it.

You’re so dismissive of her though I can see why she distances herself. Your perceptions of her childhood are yours. She may see if differently.

I adore my siblings, but to this day they cannot see why I’m not close to my mother. They wouldn’t though because they don’t recall the emotional abuse she piled on me. I’m the oldest and like you they see our childhood as idyllic.

I love them all but happily live 250 miles away from them.

Are you going to actually listen to any of the opinions you asked for, or just continue to stick your fingers in your ears?

Personally, I admire your sister. She's got life and boundaries down to a tee. Move in silence so no one can bring you down or thwart your dreams and goals.

I understand you in some ways - it’s hard to have a very close sister treat you like you are just acquaintances. People that haven’t had an extremely close sister bond may not understand how hurtful and confusing it is when the relationship suddenly changes without explanation - the gaslighting about the relationship never being close can feel even worse.

But, you cannot unilaterally decide that she is happy or would be happy if you were all still close. Maybe this is the level of relationship she wants, and you need to accept this. Count yourself lucky that at least she’s not using you (I.e. it’s not like she’s asking you to help with childcare regularly then randomly moving house without telling you). She’s hyper independent and doesn’t feel she needs family in that way and you need to respect that.

Count your blessings that your other sister gives you the close childhood relationship you desire. Maybe your older sister needs space to work through her feelings about her childhood- and as an eldest daughter there is no way you were both treated in the same way. She would have seen more, born the brunt of stricter parenting and been lumbered with more responsibility at an earlier age.