My sister moved house without telling us

[OliveIsMad]

I got a text from my sister today to say that she’s moved house and here’s her new address. Hadn’t told any of us that she was moving house or even that she was thinking about it.

She does this all the time. She didn’t tell any of us that she was pregnant until she was about six months along — she just turned up one day with a bump and was like, Oh yeah, we’re having a baby lol. And when she had the baby, she didn’t tell us until the next day when she got home from the hospital. None of us even knew that she was in labour. She literally had a whole baby and then told us that she had given birth THE NEXT DAY once she was home. And we barely see the child (now 2) and my own mother has only held her granddaughter a handful of times. Bear in mind that my sister lives about ten minutes away. (The new house is also ten minutes away but in the opposite direction. I only know this because I had to Google the address.)

You know how I found out that she ran the London Marathon? I found her participation medal in her car. Turns out, she’d trained to run a 5k, then trained to run a 10k, then a half marathon, then a marathon. Took her two years. None of us even knew that she could run. Hadn’t thought to mention it.

She gets promoted or changes jobs, buys a new car, goes on holiday and we only hear about it weeks, months or even years later. She mentioned in passing once that she’d been to Australia. It was YEARS ago. She went to fucking Australia for like two weeks and literally none of us knew.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out. My other sister is also like this, although she still lives at home so partly it’s because of proximity. But my big sister acts as if she doesn’t give a toss about any of us.

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us. I get that she’s big on independence, but there’s being independent and then there’s just being a bitch. If she thinks of us at all, it’s as an after thought.

Gah. Rant over.

Absolutely this.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out

#TeamSister

I would find that absolutely suffocating and as for issuing news bulletins when going into labour - why would you do this rather than let people know when the “whole” baby was delivered?

Well, yes. If the OP’s sister hadn’t told her family she ran a marathon, they have no reason to think she has, therefore there’s no ‘mystery’. Likewise the Australian holiday. It’s not as thought the sister is all ‘I’m going on holiday, but I’m not telling you where…’

So far in my life (I'm nearly 57) I've:

Moved country x 2
Had a termination x 2
Divorced husband x 1
Gone on holiday x 10
Run a marathon x 2
Adopted two cats x 1
Moved flats x 4
Changed jobs x 3...

all without telling my mother and two brothers in advance, or asking for their input/opinions. Apart from the cats and moving country/flats, my mother and two brothers STILL doesn't know about the rest of the list, and they never fucking will. Why? Because what I do in my private life is none of their fucking business.

My older brother divorced his wife of 20 years and they both bought a house each. My mother only found out because her now ex DIL told her, about six months ago. They'd probably been divorced at least a year before my mother found out.

Some of us, when we become adults, manage to live our lives as adults, without needing to run every single little decision by mummy/daddy. We also have the intelligence to know when to keep our mouths shut about our private lives...and to actually know that we are entitled to have a private life in the first place!

Leave your sister the fuck alone and worry about your own life. Hers is none of your business.

The sister being nicknamed 'Unbothered Queen' by the other sister speaks volumes. I think there is a lot of jealousy and annoyance that she doesn't need or want their approval

It sounds like you don't accept that she can have different reactions and feelings to events than you do and that hers are automatically wrong. That's very rigid thinking on your part. You may believe you were close as kids but she doesn't share that same belief. You judge her because she thinks differently than your family hive mind.

I see why she doesn't tell your family much. You're very enmeshed to the point of suffocation and she's distanced herself from that.

You don't have a right to know everything in her life because of shared DNA. Her business is not your business because shared DNA. She's an adult with autonomy. Mind your own business and let her be.

You all sound mental.

Good on your sister getting away and keeping her DC out of your drama.

How does she not know you divorced?? Does she never ask how he is or where he is??

I could be your sister.
I quickly learnt that my sister was more “needy” than me, needing support and advice with everything. Which meant they had zero time for me, even when I asked for help. Which, in turn meant I just got on with life. Any decision I made was met with negativity and criticism. So I didn’t share anything with them.
when the cycle began again with our children I cut contact. No way were mine being second best

My mother lives in Australia, has done for 30 years. She'd only met my ex husband (then boyfriend) a couple of times before she left the UK...she hasn't been back since. I've been to Australia to visit a couple of times, the last time being 16 years ago. She knows we have lived apart for over a decade and that my ex husband has a new partner (as do I). My mother is a raging narc and my childhood was horrendous. I have no desire to have a closer relationship with her (much like the OP's sister, I should imagine).

It was emotional abuse. I had this my whole childhood, being threatened with being made to live with the dad that I hadn't seen since I was 3 years old. It was a punishment that was dangled in front of me to make me scared that it could happen at any time. Just because YOU weren't affected by it, doesn't give you the right to assume that your sister shouldn't be either.

You sound very sure that you're the sister who has got it all right and you're the sister that should be told everything. I don't blame your sister, at all, for keeping herself to herself. What she does or doesn't tell you about her life is entirely up to her. You sound way too self important and judgmental.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out.

I mean that doesn't speak to me of being close.

Why do you need your Mum's approval on how you do your kitchen?

Agreed. Also, @OliveIsMad , if your sister told you something and asked you not to tell your mother, what would you do?

I think we all know the answer is ‘tell her anyway’ - which is why you aren’t told anything either.

@OliveIsMad does your parents' lack of control over your elder sister's life make things difficult for you?

You have my sympathies.

You could be talking about my DB.

Like your sister, he was the golden child.

Unfortunately, I don't think you can ever change their mindset if they feel they have been hard done by.

You'll just have to accept your sister the way she is I guess.
Having the hump about it is pointless.

It’s entirely up to her what and when she shares with her family. She’s doing nothing wrong and I really don’t understand your extreme reaction to it.

You clearly haven't read the full thread.

Except the OP lists ways the sister objectively has been hard done by but then claims they are not that bad (rather than saying they didn’t happen). If your brother has been treated similarly, your parents are also abusive. If not, it’s a completely different situation.

There is nothing to suggest the sister is ‘the golden child’ in what @OliveIsMad has posted and a lot to suggest she’s not.

If you think about it your sister's preference for privacy is a life choice. And look at how you are criticising it.

And so you wonder why she isn't keen to share her other life choices with you. 😂 🤔

Not to pile on, but is she the younger sister, and you are the elder?

Oh come on her parents are hardly evil FGS.

My sister moved to the USA in March one year (her RN husband was posted over there). We learnt of it in her Xmas card the following December.
Nobody was that bothered,

The sister is the eldest

Oh come on her parents are hardly evil FGS.

That would depend just how badly they dealt with the sisters eating disorder.

And how often the physical violence and emotional actually was surely?