My sister moved house without telling us

[OliveIsMad]

I got a text from my sister today to say that she’s moved house and here’s her new address. Hadn’t told any of us that she was moving house or even that she was thinking about it.

She does this all the time. She didn’t tell any of us that she was pregnant until she was about six months along — she just turned up one day with a bump and was like, Oh yeah, we’re having a baby lol. And when she had the baby, she didn’t tell us until the next day when she got home from the hospital. None of us even knew that she was in labour. She literally had a whole baby and then told us that she had given birth THE NEXT DAY once she was home. And we barely see the child (now 2) and my own mother has only held her granddaughter a handful of times. Bear in mind that my sister lives about ten minutes away. (The new house is also ten minutes away but in the opposite direction. I only know this because I had to Google the address.)

You know how I found out that she ran the London Marathon? I found her participation medal in her car. Turns out, she’d trained to run a 5k, then trained to run a 10k, then a half marathon, then a marathon. Took her two years. None of us even knew that she could run. Hadn’t thought to mention it.

She gets promoted or changes jobs, buys a new car, goes on holiday and we only hear about it weeks, months or even years later. She mentioned in passing once that she’d been to Australia. It was YEARS ago. She went to fucking Australia for like two weeks and literally none of us knew.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out. My other sister is also like this, although she still lives at home so partly it’s because of proximity. But my big sister acts as if she doesn’t give a toss about any of us.

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us. I get that she’s big on independence, but there’s being independent and then there’s just being a bitch. If she thinks of us at all, it’s as an after thought.

Gah. Rant over.

Thanks for your clarification that you do indeed minimise her childhood experiences and that your mother did not stand up and protect her at a time when she was extremely vulnerable.

You say as she is a mother herself now she should understand. I say she understands full well how toxic the family situation is which is why she keeps her daughter well away. Good for her. I hope the sister is on MN and sees that she is not the one with the issue!

@PopeJoan2 - OP isn’t barmy to want a closer relationship with her sister. What is barmy is the level of anger the OP feels because her sister has chosen not to have this; the incensed fury that she dared to go through labour without immediately informing the family it happened, and waiting until THE NEXT DAY to tell them the baby had arrived. Even the fact that she went on holiday a couple of years ago without telling OP and her parents leads to incandescent rage.

Declaring that she’s “so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life” and describing her sister as a bitch for refusing to share every detail of her life on demand - THAT’S what is barmy. Especially when you go on to consider that OP has utterly dismissed any attempts her sister has made to explain her feelings on this issue.

This. The amount of rage the OP feels, apparently because someone is daring to break the illusion of a normal, happy, healthy family, is another strong suggestion that there is something seriously wrong with the family dynamics.

@OliveIsMad

For whatever reason, she is rewriting history. It’s not uncommon, and you’ll find a lot of people do, particularly about their immediate family.

She’s punishing you all and it can be very unjust and painful.

All you can do is hope one day she will ‘come back,’ but don’t force the issue with her, it will just push her away more.

I would be there for her but strictly on her terms. Keep sending your niece/nephew birthday and x-mas presents, even though you don’t see them, as they ARE part of the extended family and it’s not their fault that she is depriving them of that. It’s all actually very sad 💐

Yeah, nothing you’ve said has made me change my opinion. Your sister is protecting her own daughter from what sounds like a toxic dynamic. You and your mum are the problem here. The comments about “a bit of a problem with food” are disgusting, by the way.

The reveal of the enmeshed family and unhappy childhood wasn't surprising to me, but even without that I don't think the sister's behaviour is even that unusual. I don't really like making personal announcements, especially in advance (what if it falls through without happening?!). When I got my dream job I didn't really tell anyone. When DP and I bought a house we talked it over with friends who'd been through the process and had tips/advice, but we never made any sort of announcement. I don't mention holidays I'm going to go on until I put photos on social media when I'm there.

Also as a runner, I don't think anyone in my life actually knows what distances I do! It is terribly boring for anyone who doesn't run.

Or indeed the OP is the one rewriting history. This is the more likely situation because she is already drip feeding and minimising actual experiences.

Whoa. Sounds like she’s thriving and it may be due to taking a different approach to life from her sisters!

@Spirallingdownwards
It’s not up to any of us to judge.

Nobody on here can claim to know their family’s dynamic, because we are not part of it.

@OliveIsMad
Ignore the unhelpful and vindictive posts.

I hope there is some good advice on here that can help you or give you some food for thought. Hopefully one day it will work out with your DS.

Family dynamics can change over time 💐

Except based on the OP’s subsequent posts, the sister isn’t the one rewriting history, the OP is.

She sounds like my dream relative. No fuss, no expectations, not wanting everything to be about her.

You sound a bit odd though! Rooting through her car and being angry she ran a marathon without telling you?!

No one has exactly the same childhood, despite growing up with the same parents in the same household. I’m the eldest of five, my next sister is the same amount younger as yours is, and there are key respects (very sad ones) in which we had very different experiences growing up. Our next sister, four years younger, had an utterly different childhood, and the two youngest very different again because they were boys and because of their position in the family.

I think you’re forcing your version of your childhood (in your mind) on your sister, and think she should be just as dependent on your parents as you are.

There’s a reason she doesn’t tell you and your parents everything, and you need to respect that decision, even if you don’t understand it.

I think some of your accusations are unfair. How can she be trying to make herself sound more mysterious and interesting if she doesn’t tell you anything? You didn’t know she’d run the London marathon. How would that make her more interesting? If she’d hinted endlessly about it, you might have a point.

@OliveIsMad yeah sorry but I agree with your sister some of that is definitely emotionally abusive. Regarding the food issues there was help in the naughties, it may not have been widely talked about there was provision. You sound like you are minimising your parents actions

The Op is inviting us to judge.
That’s the whole point of her post.

It’s hardly surprising that readers antennas pricked following up the vitriolic comments about her sister. Most people don’t require such intense input from their family members.

I wish we'd have waited a day or so to tell people I'd given birth. I didnt need visitors descending on my hospital bed.
In fact, I would have loved to have a week without visitors! Good for her.

I dont tell my family every time I go away. Why do they need to know?

The marathon is a non issue. My parents dont know what exercise I do. Getting annoyed she didn't tell you she bought a new car is odd.

Did your mum ever apologised for failing your DS as a parent? Even if she didn’t know better. Did she or anyone one of you listen to her and acknowledged her feelings? Did your mum ever say to her that she is sorry? Maybe all your DS needed was someone to validate how she is feeling. What you consider big, happy family, she might consider it as toxic family

She’s not rewriting history though, is she? OP hasn’t suggested any of the things her sister describes didn’t happen at all. She’s just scoffing at the idea that they were anything to worry about. She’s deliberately ignoring and minimising her sister’s feelings, because they don’t suit the narrative of this super close family where no one would even buy a pint of milk without checking with mum whether to get full fat or semi-skimmed.

I don’t think she’s private, I think she’s secretive on purpose to make herself seem mysterious and interesting.

You don't like her so why do you want to know what she does?

She’s actually become even more distant since having her daughter, meaning that the poor kid barely has any relationship with her own family.

She's protecting her daughter from you all.

I don’t understand; I like celebrating things with family; I’d want to share; I can’t imagine…

Can you imagine that not everyone is like you? It shouldn’t be that hard to understand.

OP, it’s really striking that you see your sister not sharing everything with you all as her ‘being a bitch’.

I tend not to tell my parents things because they’re such catastrophisers and worriers. They have an absolute horror of anything new or unusual, and always think everything will go wrong. It’s absolutely exhausting. I was 20 weeks pregnant before I told them, and I didn’t tell them I was in labour until DS had arrived by CS. I’d bought a flat before I told them (dad inherited a house from his uncle and nearly has asthma attacks about mortgage amounts). I’ve quit jobs without telling them because I don’t want to deal with their hysteria about what will happen if no one ever hires me again.

I mean, I’m fond of my parents, but the weight of their anxiety is just tiresome, so I tend to keep things to myself.

I can’t understand why she’s like this

@OliveIsMad I can! And so can people on this thread.

You seem determined that your truth is the only truth and, just as she's experienced her whole life, you dismiss whatever her truth is as wrong.

@NotCrazyAboutIt - I know exactly what you mean. I actually do share quite a lot with my parents, but some things I don’t tell them about until it’s a fait accompli, because the decision is one I absolutely have to make on my own. I can’t deal with the pained expressions, the sucking in of their breath, the angsty “Ooh no, it’s too risky” and “Are you sure?” They might well still try all of that anyway, but at least in that scenario I can just ride it out knowing nothing they can say will put me off, as it’s too late!

This is absolute bullshit.

The sister is not the one rewriting history. In subsequent posts the OP has described the abusive actions of her mother towards her sister, but is dismissing them. She clearly has been conditioned to minimise the abuse, and has a very unhealthy view of what a normal family relationship entails.

The anger the OP displays at her sister simply living her own life is a telltale sign of a narcissistic family by the way. When the scapegoat withdraws for their own well being, the remaining family members attack her instead of showing any sort of concern. Do you really think that OP calling her a bitch is warranted?

None of us even knew that she was in labour.

Why would you need to?

What would you have done with that information?

And for some people running a marathon or going on a holiday isn’t a particularly big deal. What constitutes a ‘big deal’ is subjective.

We didn’t tell either set of parents we’d got married for about five years afterwards (and only then because we’d forgotten we hadn’t told them), because what we wanted was a fuss-free ten minutes at the register office. My mother in particular would have kept trying to make it into some huge deal, because she thinks weddings are, and wouldn’t have been able to suppress her desire to have the kind of daughter who wears a white dress, has seven bridesmaids and 200 guests in a hotel. For us, getting married was the reverse of a big deal. I’m aware that not everyone thinks so, but I’m only obliged to act on my own preferences.