My sister moved house without telling us

[OliveIsMad]

I got a text from my sister today to say that she’s moved house and here’s her new address. Hadn’t told any of us that she was moving house or even that she was thinking about it.

She does this all the time. She didn’t tell any of us that she was pregnant until she was about six months along — she just turned up one day with a bump and was like, Oh yeah, we’re having a baby lol. And when she had the baby, she didn’t tell us until the next day when she got home from the hospital. None of us even knew that she was in labour. She literally had a whole baby and then told us that she had given birth THE NEXT DAY once she was home. And we barely see the child (now 2) and my own mother has only held her granddaughter a handful of times. Bear in mind that my sister lives about ten minutes away. (The new house is also ten minutes away but in the opposite direction. I only know this because I had to Google the address.)

You know how I found out that she ran the London Marathon? I found her participation medal in her car. Turns out, she’d trained to run a 5k, then trained to run a 10k, then a half marathon, then a marathon. Took her two years. None of us even knew that she could run. Hadn’t thought to mention it.

She gets promoted or changes jobs, buys a new car, goes on holiday and we only hear about it weeks, months or even years later. She mentioned in passing once that she’d been to Australia. It was YEARS ago. She went to fucking Australia for like two weeks and literally none of us knew.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out. My other sister is also like this, although she still lives at home so partly it’s because of proximity. But my big sister acts as if she doesn’t give a toss about any of us.

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us. I get that she’s big on independence, but there’s being independent and then there’s just being a bitch. If she thinks of us at all, it’s as an after thought.

Gah. Rant over.

I don’t think she’s private, I think she’s secretive on purpose to make herself seem mysterious and interesting.

Not that I believe this, but if she IS doing that -well, it’s working, isn’t it? You’re desperate to know what’s going on, and you’re incensed that you’re not first on the list to be told. If you really think she’s just attention seeking, surely your strategy should be to just say “Oh, you ran the marathon? Well done! Cup of tea?” or similar. Becoming furious you weren’t told at the time would be playing right into her hands if you really believe this.

OP, ask yourself why you are so desperate to know everything that your sister does. Is it because you are curious, or is it so you can use that information to knock her down in some way? If she told you she bought a new car, I bet you would either ridicule her for not buying something expensive, or you would call her a show-off for buying something expensive. If she told you she was training for a marathon, would you be encouraging and supportive, or would you try to sabotage her efforts and go on about someone else who ran it faster (using someone else's achievements to ridicule her because you don't have any of her own)?

Be honest with yourself and think about why you need to know. Also have a think about why you are so bothered by the way she's choosing to live her life.

To be fair, OP's situation is very difficult, emotionally. She is enraged because it's so very frightening to even glimpse at the possibility that all what you thought was true and informed your self-image may well be an illusion... In addition to that, another poster has nailed it imo: once the eldest removes herself from the toxic family structure, she also leaves her siblings without the "buffer" or protection. Now, middle sibling is experiencing the suffocating weight that her mother now directs almost exclusively at her. But OP has no language for that, she cannot accept this as it's to painful to admit that her mother has always been like this. Her rage at her mother is directed toward the (now dethroned) golden child (who's now the scapegoat, clearly). If only OP could see this. But she can't. That's so terribly sad.
I sincerely hope the three sisters can reconnect one day, and see themselves for who they truly are: not the distorted images their mother has projected onto them.

Your sister is an independent adult.

It seems you might not be independent.

She's not re-writing history. Even the OP has said all the things happened.

She simply has a different opinion on the seriousness of them and the impact they've had on her.

Reasons various bits of family are on an information diet.

SIL - she's literally not interested in anyone but herself. Even her kids. So there's no point, she won't be sad, happy or curious about your news. She will probably be jealous and then lash out if it's some how scene stealing from her. So her friend, because she has richer friends then you, has a much more expensive kitchen then yours.

My parents - if you do something different, it's some how critical of their previous choices made for them. So they might go for a pine kitchen, if you chose painted, What's wrong with pine, not good enough for you.

My brother - the relentless 'banter'. If you say your planning a new kitchen, aren't you fat enough?

PIL - they were poor, now rich. If you get a new kitchen, why would you do that, they made do until their 70s and the previous one did 30 years. Are you not DIYing? Paying someone? So easy to learn off YouTube, what a waste of money? Buying OSB? Your father here, made his own carcass sheets by gluing wood chips every evening after school (pe, work to rule, no after-school work)

I agree with your sister. ESPECIALLY about telling you after she'd given birth! Sounds like you'd keep pestering her wanting updates/turn up at the hospital.
She doesn't want to be as involved with the family as you do, stop being so pushy.

I completely understand where your sister is coming from, I had a very similar childhood that I spent largely in fear of my mother.
i no longer speak to one of my siblings and am superficially involved with the other.
My mother used to threaten to send me to live with my grandparents and I actually wish that she had. She would threaten to run away and leave us, would hide somewhere so we would be frantically searching for her in floods of tears - she actually thought it funny. My father was largely disinterested in us, remote and unaffectionate.
was the scapegoat, blamed because I was the oldest and should know better. I would get punished for my siblings misdeeds while they stood by and smirked.
Do you know what? When she died I was immensely relieved, I’d had 68 years of her torment.

Also: who wants to live without the illusion of a happy family? It takes a lot of courage, but also pain and sacrifice to live your life away from that illusion. That is why whenever I encounter people mocking or belitteling people for going "no contact" I'm always perplexed at their sheer ignorance. (Or maybe it is fear and misplaced anger, what they feel?).
Anyway:I don't think OP is necessarily being mean or a bad person. I think she is terribly afraid of peeping behind the curtain. And she has valid reasons to be.

Perhaps you could work with your other sister towards the kind of understanding she has of the situation?

I’m not convinced your family has ever been as happy a place as you now paint it. It certainly wasn’t for your older sister. Teen EDs are very often tied into family dynamics, so there was stuff going on then that you either weren’t aware of or now want to brush under the carpet. And there was plenty of awareness of EDs in the 2000s, there was even in the 80s when I was at school and knew girls with EDs. Or at least even if you were happy in it she wasn’t so much.

Your current perspective is not helping you or your relationship with your sister, so I would try work towards acceptance of her as she is and her choices.

I am more like your sister, I never shared every detail with my mum or family, just find that really strange, but each to their own.

I think she may be secretive on purpose but it’s much more likely to be because she doesn’t want the family involved in her life than because she is intentionally trying to make herself mysterious.

It doesn’t sound like she cares. And it would be a lot of effort to go to to make an effect for a family she doesn’t see that much. It sounds like she’s very busy with her own life running marathons and trips to Australia.

While I think it's unusual for a family member not to mention the big stuff like having babies and moving house, all your posts make me think that she has good reason. You seem unhealthily concerned about how much information your sister does or doesn't share with the rest of the family. I am guessing you all gossip about her and how 'wrong' she is, which means that she is taking up space in your head. You seem to think that this is exactly what she wants, that she is deliberately being enigmatic and secretive to wind you all up, when the exact opposite could well be true and she needs to maintain distance from what she sees as a cloying and unhealthy closeness. Also, never ever underestimate the impact that the same upbringing can have on different siblings. It is wrong to brush off her recollections of her childhood experiences and how they have impacted her. My partner and his siblings had what would be described as an abusive upbringing. Three of the five of them have, at various times on and off, cut all contact with their parents. But one of his sisters, who has always remained steadfast in her contact with their parents, is in complete denial about the parents' abusive behaviour and shouts down everyone who so much as hints at having been adversely affected by it. I wonder if the fact that your sister has chosen to remove herself from any meaningful involvement with your parents means you may feel forced to confront some hard truths about your upbringing and you don't want to do that. And that is your prerogative. But let your sister be and don't be angry with her for facing up to stuff in her own way. Her way is perfectly valid.

@OliveIsMad a few of us have asked what would happen if you didn’t run decisions by your mum, or if you didn’t go with her decision/advice/suggestion? Has it ever happened, or do you just go with her opinion each time and convince yourself it’s the same as yours?

I appreciate this thread is probably hard for you to read, and I’m impressed you replied as often as you did last night - not many posters stick around after being told do unequivocally they are unreasonable! But I do think, if you genuinely want to recover your relationship with your sister, that it might give you good advice on how to do that - and it starts with accepting that she isn’t you, and what didn’t affect you might have affected her. It then requires you to really look at your relationship with your mum and see if it’s as healthy as you think it is. Try disagreeing with her on something and see what her reaction is. See how you feel at the idea of disagreeing with her - are you ok with it, or does it make you feel really uncomfortable? I’d also suggest talking to your younger sister and try to get her take on your childhood. However she may not be honest if she’s still living with your parents and she thinks you will go reporting back…

I definitely think that therapy would be helpful for you, even if just to help you learn how to accept your sisters view of your childhood. Why are you so angry she doesn’t view it as the happy childhood you seem to think you all had? Are those even your words - or has your mum told you so many times that you had a happy childhood, this has become the only “truth” you’ll speak? Getting to the bottom of your anger towards your sister might get you more answers than you realise you are looking for - as a minimum it may help you to stop being so angry that your sister doesn’t want to involve you all in her life or decisions.

Good luck.

You know that saying- when an adult no longer has to
rely on others for food and shelter they will treat the family in the same way they feel they have been treated.

your sister clearly feels differently than you & has backed off to protect her own world. It is typical of a favoured child to not be aware of their privilege status in the family.

I’m so sorry you experienced that abuse. That sounds awful.

Tried to force their way into the delivery room before the sister was ready, I have no doubt.

@OliveIsMad I think this is very good advice here, from Tillow.

This must be hard for you but please don't close off. Rage (even when misplaced) means you are alive and something is shifting inside you.

oh dear. No one knew about eating g disorders in the 2000s! How ridiculous. You have been completely gas light by your mother.

There was huge, HUGE, awareness of eating disirders then. It was in every TV show, discussed in every classroom, all over the papers. If a mother of teenage girls at that time claims she had no idea about eating g disorders she is either very stupid or she is lying.

give your sister a break, let her live her life. You do t like her anyway so stop trying to get in her business

Apropos of nothing, I’m off to change my username to UnbotheredQueen.

I'm curious OP, when your sister bought a new car, did you ask her about it? Did you ask why she chose that colour, that brand etc and how she's enjoying it? When she ran the marathon did you ask her how the training was? Did you acknowledge what an achievement that was and how she must have been dedicated to her training etc?

Or did you make the most significant thing about it that she hadn't told anyone?

I'm not saying that you are either of the above but I wonder whether your sister feels that nobody is that bothered?

To will also say, I have very controlling parents and my mum was very angry throughout our childhood.

my sister used to get very annoyed with me if I pointed anything out. She was still very enmeshed. I was the outsider!

she finally saw it about five years ago and it has been a huge shock for her. She is going back over our childhood and the way our parents speak to us know and is angry. While I have processed it all and have been more distant for decades. She is in talk therapy and that is helping - but it’s still very hard for her:

a few of us have asked what would happen if you didn’t run decisions by your mum, or if you didn’t go with her decision/advice/suggestion? Has it ever happened, or do you just go with her opinion each time and convince yourself it’s the same as yours?

I would put money on OP never having tested that out - either because she is so entrenched in the idea that Mum must give her opinion before any decision is made, or deep down, she is afraid to risk it.

100%. She maybe seems like she doesn't care about anyone because that's how she feels, like no one cares about her

If nothing else, the Princess of Wales (Diana) had a publicly acknowledged eating disorder which she discussed often to try and eradicate the stigma surrounding it.

It meant eating disorders and treatment for them were all over the press throughout the 90s. There is no way the OP’s mother didn’t know what to do in the early 2000s. She chose not to properly support her child, I would guess to support the ‘happy family at all costs’ narrative she seems to have passed to the OP.