My sister moved house without telling us

[OliveIsMad]

I got a text from my sister today to say that she’s moved house and here’s her new address. Hadn’t told any of us that she was moving house or even that she was thinking about it.

She does this all the time. She didn’t tell any of us that she was pregnant until she was about six months along — she just turned up one day with a bump and was like, Oh yeah, we’re having a baby lol. And when she had the baby, she didn’t tell us until the next day when she got home from the hospital. None of us even knew that she was in labour. She literally had a whole baby and then told us that she had given birth THE NEXT DAY once she was home. And we barely see the child (now 2) and my own mother has only held her granddaughter a handful of times. Bear in mind that my sister lives about ten minutes away. (The new house is also ten minutes away but in the opposite direction. I only know this because I had to Google the address.)

You know how I found out that she ran the London Marathon? I found her participation medal in her car. Turns out, she’d trained to run a 5k, then trained to run a 10k, then a half marathon, then a marathon. Took her two years. None of us even knew that she could run. Hadn’t thought to mention it.

She gets promoted or changes jobs, buys a new car, goes on holiday and we only hear about it weeks, months or even years later. She mentioned in passing once that she’d been to Australia. It was YEARS ago. She went to fucking Australia for like two weeks and literally none of us knew.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out. My other sister is also like this, although she still lives at home so partly it’s because of proximity. But my big sister acts as if she doesn’t give a toss about any of us.

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us. I get that she’s big on independence, but there’s being independent and then there’s just being a bitch. If she thinks of us at all, it’s as an after thought.

Gah. Rant over.

I am like this to some extent, I can't really explain why - I just don't like all the questions I get asked / disapprovals.

And I guess I am just a private person in general. I don't share very much with most people.

I live my life pretty differently to my mum / how my mum wishes I would live my life, so when we discuss things she is always pretty disapproving and goes on about what she thinks I should be doing instead of being happy with what I've done.

I also think it was partly due to me having to be very independent growing up. My mum had health issues that meant she was not able to be that present during much of my teenage years, so I got used to just doing what I wanted without the need to tell anyone and I also learnt how to deal with stuff on my own, without having to lean on others for support.

Then this has carried over into my adult life. I can see how it's a but hurtful for my mum and siblings, but I'm not doing it with the intention to hurt anyone, it's just how I am.

my other half is like this with his mum because she’s incredibly overbearing. We also didn’t tell her when we moved because in the lead up she essentially lost her mind and was harassing us about every small detail. It put doubt in his mind, made him stressed in an already stressful time. Too much bother.
she’s fuming about the lack of info but it made the last two weeks of the move less stressful for us.

She's not pushing you way, she's living her life the way she wants to which is not living in your pockets.

Your children can still have a relationship with her and her family, it's just going to be on her terms not yours.

Oh, dear, you really don't understand the words you are using.
You are enmeshed and she broke free. I know this must be difficult for you, but the fact that your sister being how she is triggers (I know, that word) so much rage in you says a lot about your family of origin's dynamic.

She's told you why she's like this, but instead of listening/accepting you argue with her and tell her she's wrong.

It does sound like she might be right that there was something up with your childhood as you have all gone to extremes in your relationship with your parents now you are adults. She is unusually uncommunicative and you are unusually over communicative/reliant on their opinions.

Completely agree.

OP, I think you have just got to learn to love the sister you have got now, instead of complaining that she's not the sister you want.

I don't think OP is wrong about the sister being the golden child. Often, it is only the golden child who can get away with these dynamics without having to go completely no contact.

In our family it's the golden child who is like this - they were always the favourite, and will always get away with it.

That's not to say OP shouldn't also assess her childhood and dynamics with her parents, which seem rather unhealthy.

Also, it sounds to me like the younger sister who still lives at home agrees far more with the distant sister - saving her name as ‘Unbothered Queen’, in her phone suggests a degree of envy of her emotional / financial ability to take that attitude!

Once this sister is no longer financially reliant on the parents for housing, I suspect her ‘hanging out with the family’ will drastically decrease. Is it voluntary now or has Mummy made it clear (explicitly or implicitly) it’s the price of accommodation? It wouldn’t surprise me if it’s the latter.

If she’s the odd one out, that’s only because she’s chosen for it to be that way

Unlikely.

I'm the one who is "left-out" in in my family. Briefly acknowledged by a couple of them but ever since any illusion to it, real or imagined, is dismissed, denied, belittled...There's a whole lot of gaslighting, in part because otherwise they would have to admit fault.

They make a show of inviting me when they're doing something together and think that's evidence I'm wrong, ignoring the elephant in the room. It's very much them + me - they're the family group and I'm the afterthought, the tag-along.

My dad sometimes complains I don't tell him things but he is totally disinterested. He doesn't listen, he ignores me when I attempt conversation, talks over me, doesn't remember important things that have happened in my life...even outright told me he doesn't want to hear about whatever it is. So, I don't bother anymore. Why would I? Telling him stuff just opens me up to hurt and it's a waste of breath.

However, I sympathise with your hurt & sense of rejection. All you can do with any relationship is accept what a person is willing to give and build a relationship on that basis...or not.

I doubt your sister means to hurt you. My own sister and I have different hang ups from our childhoods, we don't always understand why the one of us was hurt by something that wasn't a big deal to the other, but we accept that they were & try to find a way forward.

Respect your sister's boundaries, once you do you lay a foundation of trust on which you might be able to build a new closeness.

And stop gaslighting her.

So you want all the detail of her life (Why? So you can judge? Compare with your own?) But dismiss how she feels about her childhood? No wonder she keeps you at arms length.
Build some bridges. You may need to be a team when your parents need help.

She says her mother is the scapegoat. This is utterly ignorant. That's what I was refering to.
I am well aware of the consequences that being a golden child entails.
OP is astonishingly unaware of her own problems, her mother's doing in all this, and her FOO's dynamics.
It really is fascinating reading her updates and seeing how she gets it worse each and every time. I feel sorry for her, actually. Her sister, on the other hand, has escaped apparently.

This post is very telling. It's clear that you are unable to listen to your sister or accept her point of view. You are centering yourself in the story, rather than trying to empathise with her.

You are unable to see her as a person who likes to be private for her own reasons - instead you are twisting it so her actions must be a deliberate ploy to make YOU feel something. Can you see how self centered this is? And what a pain in the arse it must be for your sister if this is how you relate to her?

It is MUCH more likely that your sister is private because that's how she likes to live her OWN life, rather than she's doing it to seem a certain way to you.

Similarly - and more seriously - she's told you how she feels, about being the odd man out. But instead of listening to her and understanding her experiences, you have totally dismissed how she feels, because YOU didn't feel like that or recognise it. No wonder she doesn't want to tell you anything!

It's very common for siblings to have very different family experiences in the same family.

You did not have the same family experience. She was older, a different person, and your parents may have treated her differently / responded to her differently without you noticing.

YOU had a very happy childhood. She is telling you she doesn't feel the same, yet you refuse to listen to her.

Lastly - calling her a bitch for being private. WTF? She isn't doing it TO you. Seriously, stop being to bloody self centered. You need to accept it's just the way she is, and start from there.

If you really want your sister to share things with you and don't just want to bitch about her, then start by trying to actually listen to what she says. Try to empathise with her and stop interpreting everything she says or does as being about you, instead try to simply take what she says at face value and giving her the benefit of the doubt.

If you can't do that, why would she want to tell you anything?

FOO?

Sorry: "family of origin". I got carried away with the jargon and I hate myself for it 🤣

I don’t quite see the issue here, or why you are surprised? Your sister totally has form for doing this over and over again. That’s just how she is, nobody is being harmed by her behaviour.

Or are they?

Anyway, good for her; i hope she enjoys her new home.

She obviously didn’t feel that way though

Family of origin.

Good for her !!! You're her sister not her keeper, she's living how she wants not the way you won't her too.

My brother and I get on incredibly well and are close but we don't keep contact all the time. We are both busy with our jobs and families and I have no idea when he is going on holiday or doing a sporting activity. He speaks to our dm more often and she will tell me things. Your sister seems have gone to the other extreme but I would assume that's her own response to your families over involvement in one another's lives. Neither of you are wrong, just at opposite ends of a spectrum so the difference is marked. Accept that you are on differing wavelengths over this and get on with your life.

If she's the golden child and your mum the scapegoat, who is the abuser? Your dad, you or your other sister? All sounds very messed up.

You seem to lack empathy. Your sister is entitled to her own thoughts, memories and emotions. Just because you experince life differently does not make her experience wrong. I'm surprised she gave you the new address.

Your family sounds similar to mine, I am NC with them
now. I’m the oldest and hated my childhood, my youngest sibling still lives with our mum and he has NO idea what life was like for me growing up and would absolutely believe we had a perfect childhood.
My family know nothing about my life, if they ever find out a tiny detail they’re all discussing it and sending me messages that I don’t reply to. I’m currently 5 months pregnant and they don’t know and I have no desire to tell them.

With the ED, also a similar situation, my cousin struggled with anorexia and bulimia (in the early 2000s where there was plenty of help and understanding, she was an inpatient at a treatment facility) but my family brushed it under the carpet and pretended everything was normal and happy. My cousin was ultimately diagnosed with autism and again, it’s not mentioned and if you say anything to my nan (who I’m very low contact with) she will tell you that my cousin grew out of being autistic.

When I was in contact with them anything I did that was considered strange was judged and discussed without me even being there. I left my husband and rather than be understanding I was simply told to go back and try because the shame of telling people was too much. They were adamant I had an affair (I didn’t) because they couldn’t understand me leaving an unhappy marriage for the sake of myself.

Whenever I’ve tried to raise issues in the past and tried to make them see that my childhood wasn’t nice I just got told that I was being ridiculous and no one else feels like that. So now they get to know nothing about me and my kids won’t have a relationship with any of them, they have family on OHs side who are amazing.

I know someone who is like this with their family. They recently told me the reason for this is that when they were younger they were made to feel inadequate and unsafe (emotionally not physically). So now as an adult they only share things on their own terms as they promised themselves they’d never put themselves in a position to feel like that again. They don’t want to report their achievements as they are theirs. This person is also seen a bit as the ‘golden child’ because they give away so little and no one understands why so try to reach them but never will be able to do so because they have shut that door.
You are dismissing her experience as a child when you have absolutely no idea how things were for her as you can only see things through your own eyes. Your negativity towards her seeps through. Your only interpretation of her actions is negative which is a shame and perhaps revealing of why she doesn’t share in the way you want her to.
You say your older sister had a problem with food and your mum didn’t get her the support she needed. I completely get what you mean that it was a different time then. But the fact she had an issue with food suggests she was unhappy too. Trauma doesn’t necessarily have to be something like physical abuse. It sounds like you want everyone to ‘play nice’ rather than accept the reality that life is messy. Your response to stuff is not the yardstick against which to measure reasonableness. It sounds to me like you are running every little thing past your mum to get approval in some kind of way.

YANBU I have a sibling who simply refuses to answer a simple question or even tell you anything and the answer is "I don't know" or " I can't remember" constantly. It's just to be rude and the sibling loves it.

OP - frankly you sound awful, a total flying monkey, justifying your mother’s shit parenting at every turn.

It’s absolutely no wonder your sister has distanced herself when this is the sort of ignorance she’s had to endure.

Newsflash, your life experiences are not the same as everyone else’s! Hard to believe..!

Running every single decision in your life past your mum sounds incredibly co-dependant.

Your sister sounds accomplished and boundaried for good reason!