Husband always starts a fight just before his birthday

[MidnightBlueStars]

Every year my husband will cause an argument in the run up to his birthday without fail.

He will spend the summer going to the pub increasingly often, he says because of the nice weather. Some years it will culminate in him chatting to and inappropriately messaging other women. If I find out he will say he must be doing it because he’s unhappy, so we spend ages trying to work out why he is unhappy. It’s usually my fault in some way, but not in a tangible way if that makes sense.

Whether or not he does that, every year there is a big argument the night before his birthday. This year I thought it wasn’t going to happen and out of the blue he started an argument.

I know how to deal with him when he gets like that, but I wondered if anyone else has experienced this. It usually happens around Christmas and other special occasions.

Yes same here all special occasions

Why are your standards so low? Stop accepting this shit.

So you never argue at other times?
Or is it just because you can date those ones that they stick in your mind?
Sounds mentally exhausting, was the attraction?

Some years it will culminate in him chatting to and inappropriately messaging other women. If I find out he will say he must be doing it because he’s unhappy, so we spend ages trying to work out why he is unhappy.

You need to work out why your self esteem is so low that you accept this.

My partner does this whenever he has too much to drink. He’s just a row looking for a place to happen.
Unfortunately it took me a long time to spot the pattern but now I try to outsmart him and side step even the most benign conversations

I can’t speak for anyone else’s partner but I think my DH is struggling mentally with growing older and feeling less relevant. His career was almost his entire identity. I have juggled many roles inside and outside the family so I don’t feel at all diminished by the prospect of retirement.

Sounds like narcissism.

DH hates his birthday etc it’s to do with how his parents treated him and his sibling.

Why, if this has happened for several years, including him having emotional affairs /trying to find other women who’ll have an affair, are you still with him?

Is it so he can go out on his birthday without you and milk it in the pub/with his mates/random women?

‘It’s my birthday and my Mrs doesn’t understand me….’

Sorry to hear you have this too Squishy.
We do argue at other times, it’s just a different type of thing where it seems like he wants to spoil the special occasion so almost has to come up with an argument. What I don’t get is why he wants to spoil them. I think a lot goes back to his childhood, and I’ve heard him described as having narcissistic traits.

I think he seeks attention from other women to see if he is still attractive. Gives out his number to see if they will message him but doesn’t take it further.

He sounds disgusting.

This.

dump his stupid arse and give yourself a better life. He sounds like a right twat. Abusive, shit at communicating, petulant - what a prize.

If my h ‘inappropriately messaged’ other women once, that would be it. I don’t stand for shit like that. Life’s too short.

I’m worth more.

So are you.

If my DH did this he would get a divorce as his birthday gift.

I don’t know why I’m a doormat - basically low self esteem so I think I’m not worth as much I think.

It sounds exhausting. And predictable.

Why do people put up with this stuff? 😳

What do you get from this relationship?

Why on earth do you put up with this shit

Never mind the birthday argument- he is inappropriately messaging other women??? and you let this go??

Please get some support, look at your self esteem/ self worth and leave this arrogant prick!!

God OP how low is your bar? Him disappearing off to the pub, flirting with and inappropriately messaging other women is just part of your accepted lives together? Walk away.

He denies he chats up other women but I know about a couple of occasions where I have seen messages pop up on his phone.

On those occasions he said it must be because he was unhappy so I felt bad he felt like that. Tried to make an effort.

I just don’t understand the thing of trying to spoil special days.

You hold your hand up to him like this ✋️ and say "I'm not arguing with you right now." And walk away
He is prone to this so you nip it in the bud and take away all his power. Obviously you should leave him.

Or just let him be in a huff.. you need to learn how to IGNORE passive aggression and live your life happily, ignoring his attempts to suck you into his misery

Don’t try to understand, try to leave instead and make sure you succeed.

This is the only question that needs answering, OP! He sounds horrible. I don’t give a damn why he does it. He’s an adult and should not use his wife as an emotional punchbag.

He's continually cheating on you, how is he still your husband?! Why even bother?