Husband always starts a fight just before his birthday

[MidnightBlueStars]

Every year my husband will cause an argument in the run up to his birthday without fail.

He will spend the summer going to the pub increasingly often, he says because of the nice weather. Some years it will culminate in him chatting to and inappropriately messaging other women. If I find out he will say he must be doing it because he’s unhappy, so we spend ages trying to work out why he is unhappy. It’s usually my fault in some way, but not in a tangible way if that makes sense.

Whether or not he does that, every year there is a big argument the night before his birthday. This year I thought it wasn’t going to happen and out of the blue he started an argument.

I know how to deal with him when he gets like that, but I wondered if anyone else has experienced this. It usually happens around Christmas and other special occasions.

Sorry OP, it’s an awful feeling to dread special occasions. My mum is a narcissist and she used to do this when I was a child. Every birthday (mine, my brother’s, or hers), Christmas, every holiday.
I think it’s a way of getting the focus on her, and she gets satisfaction from the power.

Do you end up apologising, feeling bad, and ‘making it up’? Does guilt tripping you maybe get him some sort of emotional advantage, which makes him feel powerful?

Your low self esteem won’t get any better if you stay with this man. I hope you can find the strength to leave one day, you deserve better.

This thread is so sad to read. @MidnightBlueStars- as others have said you need to stop concentrating on your twat of an abusive husband and get some help for yourself. I know it’s hard. I stayed with my husband who sounds very similar for over 25 years. I’m three years out of it now and finally happier than I thought I could be. You are living for him not yourself and he is absolutely taking the piss. He is not bordering on abusive he IS abusive. And honestly, I don’t believe that he only messages these other women. It will be the tip of the iceberg. The messaging alone should make you run. Please try and get some therapy to work out why you are so under reacting to your husband’s piss poor behaviour and lack of respect towards you.

I’ve found out what it is he’s unhappy about. We have a room we don’t really use much but it’s a reception room and quite big. We do use it for some things but he wants me to clear it out so he can take it over as an office and hobby room.

Are you kidding?
What nonsense -wanting a big room made him unhappy - just amazed he said such a crazy thing especially when he already has a room
you need to seriously look at your future OP

Divorce papers
make an excellent surprise birthday present
🤷‍♂️

WTF am I reading. Poor diddums has the sads because he doesn't have a dedicated playroom for himself so wifey spends her time fixing it for the poor love. FFS!

You will look back at this time in your life when you are 80 years old and want to shake yourself for putting up with this shit.

Seriously?

He’s so childish this would give me the ick. He couldn’t just say this from the start but has to keep
quiet about it and pick random unrelated fights?

Also, why the fuck are you clearing out his precious room?? If he wants it, he can damn well clear it out himself the baby!

On threads like this I always click to read all and skip to the last OP post to see if she’s left the childish, controlling, abusive twat she’s married. Alas, no satisfaction found here.

@MidnightBlueStars

"I’ve found out what it is he’s unhappy about."

No you haven't. Do you really believe he has to chat up other women because he wanted a desk in the spare room? Jesus christ woman, get real. This will be your life until one of you dies. Next month there will be some other pathetic thing that's making him unhappy, and the month after that and the month after that. You've got an abusive narcissist on your hands and he's treating you like an utter piece of shit. The saddest thing is that you're actually encouraging him by playing along. You must be very afraid of losing him but why I cannot possibly imagine.

Same here. I’ve been accused of ruining his birthday.
Every year his birthday turns to shite, because of me.

Our wedding anniversary is another one. And Christmas.
DH has a victim mentality, it’s him against the world (me)

He wasn't unhappy about the room. He was unhappy because he wanted to be unhappy. You've now appeased him. Until he finds something else to be unhappy about, and he will. This is who he is. Stop falling for it.

Why oh why are you wasting your one life on this horrible, horrible, abusive cunt @MidnightBlueStars? 💔

Sorry for your situation, sounds pretty abusive. My ex also would start an argument before birthdays, Christmas and any time we were due to go on holiday. He has bpd, and when he reflected on his behaviour he said it was due to anxiety of “things going wrong” as they had on these days in childhood. Didn’t stop him doing it though.

Ffs raise the bar.
Men do this because you stay and accept it.

This is the situation with my DH. There is a reason he does it.
But that’s no good to me, when the happy times lay in ruins…

Do whatever you can to get him to fuck off. He sounds hideous.

I suspect its behaviour connected to either childhood trauma of some sort or autism. My ds does this prior/on his birthday, other peoples birthdays, Christmas, other special days. Because he doesnt like being the centre of attention and he isnt keen on other people being the centre of attention either as well as not liking the changes to normal routine.
Has your dh ever had any counselling? I think he should.

Same here - 25 years, almost identical patterns and I've been out of it for 3 years now.

OP, it is abuse. You don't need to spend your life trying to fix him or keep him calm. It's not your job, and it won't work.

Therapy will help. It will teach you that, actually, it doesn't matter what he is, or why he behaves like this. What is important is that you learn to respond appropriately, and value yourself. Like @LadyBlandford , I can't believe how happy I am now that I am out of it.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, it can feel lonely and confusing with this sort of thing.

My instinct now is to feel guilty for being unkind about him. But I can see from the replies that a lot of people would view this as abusive behaviour.

I did go and see a therapist and her main suggestion was to write it down in a letter but more as a love letter, which I didn’t do.

Funnily enough he has been quite contrite this evening and apologised, which tends to follow the normal pattern. Then I find I am left feeling angry. Amazing to have to kindness and solidarity of you all.

This makes me think of my Mum who would always start fights leading up to New Year - maybe other events .. I think it was because she couldn't deal with the emotion of it all and so it was easier not to be talking to people. It happened every year .

So, he says breaking up "would never happen", but what do you say OP? Why don't you stand up for yourself and say to him, "Well, actually, we absolutely will break up if you don't stop this obnoxious, unnecessary controlling behaviour because I'm not going to put up with it anymore."? Where's your self-respect?

The ruining a special day thing is to do with an abusive childhood, usually. But I don’t know that it helps you to ponder further why he’s being a prick because you already seem to feel responsible for problems that are entirely his. It’s possible he is a narcissist, and suffers from low self esteem, and that’s what the dishing out his number thing is about but all this is all a bit academic because he’s treating you deplorably.

I’d be inclined to forget about his birthday - and unraveling his headfuckery - and use your mental energy to make steps towards freeing yourself. See if he’s happier single (spoiler: he won’t be, but you can’t change him, and you won’t be getting treated like shit anymore)