Husband always starts a fight just before his birthday

[MidnightBlueStars]

Every year my husband will cause an argument in the run up to his birthday without fail.

He will spend the summer going to the pub increasingly often, he says because of the nice weather. Some years it will culminate in him chatting to and inappropriately messaging other women. If I find out he will say he must be doing it because he’s unhappy, so we spend ages trying to work out why he is unhappy. It’s usually my fault in some way, but not in a tangible way if that makes sense.

Whether or not he does that, every year there is a big argument the night before his birthday. This year I thought it wasn’t going to happen and out of the blue he started an argument.

I know how to deal with him when he gets like that, but I wondered if anyone else has experienced this. It usually happens around Christmas and other special occasions.

Eh?

Leave him.

Wtf.

I think you need to stop worrying about him and focus on you. Go and get some decent counselling. Work out why you feel you deserve to be treated like this. And find a way to leave him. You deserve so so much more.

If you want to stay with him, and I going see why you would, then remember it takes two to argue. If you see him start, just ignore and go out. As for the messaging, he sounds like a young teenager. Bin his phone, then bin him.

Life's too short for this shit lol, just get rid of him. There are good men out there that wouldn't treat you like this. Your husband is no prize, he sounds awful x

This is him gaslighting you.

He cheats and somehow makes you believe you’re the problem.

Its abuse!

Thank you all for replying and sorry for people with similar situations!

I usually try and grey rock when he does it but now and then I do react as he will say something really uncalled for. It’s almost like a word salad where he will go round in circles.

Thank for the advice, I am going to reflect on it all.

And turns it around that it's op fault in some way, shape or form that he does it because he's unhappy.
Just an absolute prick.
Op you're worth so more I wouldn't even bother trying to work out the whys and how's.

I bet if you had random men, messaging you, he wouldn’t be apologising to you because you’re not happy enough to respect him. I bet he wouldn’t try to improve the marriage.

Each year, you must rack your brain, to think of something he’d love on his birthday, yet dread his punishment, for you even trying.

So he’s not happy, flirts and messages other woman and makes everyone walk on eggshells because he had a bad childhood. I think you need to please yourself @MidnightBlueStars and kick the creep out.

HRTFT but I would put money on his mum or dad behaving in exactly the same way to deal with the disappointment of birthdays and celebrations. I'd also bet this was what that parent learnt from theirs.

Funnily enough I think the birthday thing is linked to his childhood but I can’t think what he gets out of spoiling happy occasions.
I could imagine his dad behaving similarly.

I was going to say narcissist created drama around all special occasions and holidays that aren't about them. But not usually their own birthdays.

But then I got to your last line.

Look into npd and see if it resonates. I'm sure others have already suggested it.

If my husbands ‘unhappiness’ makes him message other women then it’s not something for me to fix. It’s up to him to proactively work on it and hope he gets there before I leave the marriage, as I have zero obligation and even less desire to remain with someone unfaithful?

Why are you putting up with this shit?

You deserve better than this.

I reckon you should plan to leave. Get your ducks in a row. Look around for somewhere else to live. Figure out your finances.

You don’t have to leave him. You don’t have to leave him now and you don’t have to leave him ever. But sometimes the whole idea is just totally overwhelming. So, figure it out.

So the next time he grinds your nose into the dirt for his own shits and giggles, you can look at him with clarity and think to yourself “you know, I don’t need this shit and I know how to walk away”, hopefully empowering you to do just that.

And if you decide to stay, you don’t get to complain about him. You will have chosen the life he offers you. But we on Mumsnet do hope you leave.

The spoiling special occasions screams childhood trauma.

But it's his trauma not yours and you don't have to put up with his emotionally abusive behaviour now because he was a victim in the past.

Would he seek counselling?

If he wants to spoil his own birthday, let him.

f I find out he will say he must be doing it because he’s unhappy, so we spend ages trying to work out why he is unhappy. It’s usually my fault in some way, but not in a tangible way if that makes sense

Brilliant. He is treating you with disrespect, so you sit down with him and try to help him work out how it's your fault.

If you find this approach is not helping him to send fewer inappropriate messages to other women, try a different one. I suggest splitting up with him.

Does it matter why he does it? He sounds awful. You say you have low self esteem but I bet you’d have better self esteem without him there dragging you down. Life is short, too short to be tied to someone who makes you feel shit. Good luck.

Mine was the same. All occasions had to be "all about him" and if that meant being an arsey nasty prick throughout his daughter's party, that's what he'd do. And it was always actually my fault!
One of the many reasons he became an ex.
Because no-one should live their life like that.

Does he make other people’s occasions special and wonderful?

This. My husband hates his birthday and there’s often a row, but it’s to do with his abusive upbringing and neglectful parents (and the fact that they now- 40yrs on- don’t remember his birthday… or pretend not to).

So yeah, this does happen but @MidnightBlueStarsi wouldn’t be putting up with the talking to other women and drinking/excessive trips to the pub.

You can’t fix him or whatever is or isn’t linked to his ‘unhappiness’. Your low self esteem however, is something you should and can address.

This man is emotionally abusing you and that isn’t right. You are worth more and you need to learn to stop accepting so little.

Next birthday tell him you want a divorce.

Why are you spending your one precious life living with a man who blames you for his messaging other women?