Husband always starts a fight just before his birthday

[MidnightBlueStars]

Every year my husband will cause an argument in the run up to his birthday without fail.

He will spend the summer going to the pub increasingly often, he says because of the nice weather. Some years it will culminate in him chatting to and inappropriately messaging other women. If I find out he will say he must be doing it because he’s unhappy, so we spend ages trying to work out why he is unhappy. It’s usually my fault in some way, but not in a tangible way if that makes sense.

Whether or not he does that, every year there is a big argument the night before his birthday. This year I thought it wasn’t going to happen and out of the blue he started an argument.

I know how to deal with him when he gets like that, but I wondered if anyone else has experienced this. It usually happens around Christmas and other special occasions.

Don't argue back, when he starts you go "yeah, uum" and look away.

There's a couple on the show 'couples therapy' where the obnoxious husband does this. He does it to the point that the wife decides she will make it the birthday of all birthdays (for him), hires prostitutes (honestly) to put on the perfect sex show. And he throws a fit that it's too 'try hard' and fecks off abroad on his own instead.

They are now seperated/divorced.

I don't know why they do it but it's wearing and usually a sign of bigger broader personality issues

Please leave him. He treats you terribly.

Morning, thank you for replying, I sometimes find it hard to work out what is me and what is going on that isn’t right. He’s very charming and articulate and so can talk his way out of anything and deflect it back to me.

No one we know would believe he would be like this or do these things as he comes across so differently.

I do think a lot of it comes from trauma and I think he has boarding school syndrome. I think it can trigger things like narcissistic behaviour from being ‘rejected’ and then smothered and spoilt. So part of me feels really sorry for him but on the other hand he does get away with bad behaviour.

OP, one of the things I read on here a very long time ago is there’s a difference between an explanation and an excuse.

If he was traumatised by boarding school, that’s an explanation for his behaviour. But it’s not an excuse for his behaviour. Just because you might understand why he does it, doesn’t mean you have to accept this is how you live.

it is his responsibility to try to control his own behaviour and get help if he can’t do it himself, but from what you’ve said, he’s been the same for years, is making no effort to change, and rather than analysing why he behaves this way, just blames you for his actions.

You don’t need to accept this. You don’t have to take responsibility for fixing him. You are allowed to just leave. Even a “nice” man.

Thank you FancyBiscuits, that’s a really good way to look at it.

The next time he says hes done something because he's not happy. That's your prompt to tell him if he's not happy then he can move out and make a life for himself elsewhere.

He's running rings around you.

I'd also be telling him if special occasions are so shit for him then he can take himself off to a hotel until it's over.

You don't sound angry enough. Why do you put up with this awful behaviour?

He is unhappy and doesn't want to be around his family on "big occasions". It really is that simple.

I don't like his assertion that he messages other women because 'he must be unhappy.' Not because he IS unhappy, and this is why...but he plays the 'guess what you've done to make me unhappy enough to flirt with other women (!?!?) and put it right, because I'm not going to tell you.'

And that's just cruel.

Yes it certainly seems like it, when I have asked him if he would rather break up he has been upset and said that would never happen. He usually bounces back after a while and gets more normal, then in the summer it starts up.

My exh used to do this all the time. Just before a birthday, Christmas or a meal out with friends or family the atmosphere was terrible. I started to isolate myself from people, I think that’s what he wanted it’s a control thing. Get rid op he won’t change.

I would say try the opposite. His being unpleasant and angry makes you upset - let him see how that feels.At the moment he has no ‘punishment’ for being a spoilt brat. Next time hit the roof with some really angry shouting and swearing - you’ve had enough, he does this every time there’s a bday -you aren’t putting up with these tantrums any more -v loud and v angry.
You know what it’s like being shouted at give him some of his own medicine. I’ll be surprised if he doesn’t think twice in future.

When is his birthday? Is it in term time so he always had celebration at school rather than with family.

I have tried turning on him in the past and he will start to say ‘look at you you’re defensive, you can’t have a proper conversation like an adult, you have a pathology from your childhood that makes you react like this.’ So whichever way I react he will turn it on me. It’s really confusing and reading about how narcissists react and argue is the only thing I’ve read like it.

When he’s normal he’s really nice but I realise it’s bordering on abusive when he rants. He would find something to be unhappy with if he was on a desert island with a supermodel.

Birthdays can sometimes be a time of reflection, another year older and perhaps he is thinking , ‘same shot, different year!’

He resents being with you and that is why he starts an argument with you as he’s unhappy at the situation he’s in and for some unknown reason has not asked you for a divorce.

It called 'events sabotage.'

I wonder if any of the following resonant with you:
Why Do Narcissists Ruin Special Occasions: Strategies for Self-Care and Setting Boundaries - Mind Psychiatrist
Surviving Holiday Sabotage: How Narcissists Ruin Celebrations And What You Can Expect - Narcissist Abuse Support

say ‘look at you you’re defensive, you can’t have a proper conversation like an adult, you have a pathology from your childhood that makes you react like this.’

That seems a very weird response - calm and calculated rather than extreme and angry which is what I would be like in a furious argument.

My DH gets angry before going to events but it is anxiety I’ve realised

It's gaslighting. Narcissists use this this tactic to undermine the reality/sanity of the other person. Sounds like there is projection in his comment too.

Sounds like a drink problem first and foremost.

What is the point of him?

Bet this isn’t the only nonsense he pulls.

No there are other things too to be honest but the spoiling special days was going through my mind.

Thank you GreenGully I will read those in a bit - sounds like it though.

I’ve found out what it is he’s unhappy about. We have a room we don’t really use much but it’s a reception room and quite big. We do use it for some things but he wants me to clear it out so he can take it over as an office and hobby room. He said if he doesn’t get that space he will start going to the pub again.

I spent the best part of today decluttering and tidying up so he can use the room and fit his desk in and he came along and again told me he wants the space to make him happy. I did say it would be nicer if he said thank you for making a space.

He does currently have a different room to work from but wants to swap. I suppose I have resisted him having this room as it’s a reception room, and he has an office at work, but I probably should have let him take it over before.

Why are you clearing it out? Do his arms not work? Can he not make himself happy?

He said “I want “ and you said “yes, dear”. Again. I do hope you also said “this is the last time”.

If you are doing this declutter thing and he already has a space, I hope you bring everything from the old room into the new room and move your knitting into the old room. He can NOT have both spaces.