I am not ashamed, but ...

[Beetleswings]

In the last two years, I've slept with 8 guys. The first of which I had a situationship with after being single and celibate for years - the rest were ONS. I had a sexless, abusive marriage which ended 5 years before the situationship.
How do I row myself back from this? It appears there are minority of individuals in the area I live who are aware of these ONS, at least three of which tell me I need to get some self-respect. I am 100% sure that nobody knows the count is 8 men in 2 years.
I am now thinking word has gone round and now I am thinking I should crawl under a rock... I just love sex, but have struggled to get into a relationship. I have male friends, but I don't find any of them attractive.
If I were in a relationship, sexual chemistry would be a very important factor for me to maintain one. Have I spoiled my chances of love and relationship by 'sleeping around' ?

She said it was three that have become public knowledge. It sounds like a small community and unfortunately, gossip spreads in some communities like this and people are not always the most evolved.

OP, there's nothing wrong with your numbers and if you were a man, this wouldn't even be a conversation, but ever heard of the phrase, don't shit on your own doorstep?

I don't announce that to anyone

Three have not become public. As far as I know, three men have said have used me for sex like I have them. Only, they've gone on to boast about it.

The three individuals who've approached me are not men I've slept with. Hth

Are you in some sure of tiny village with only 20 men and you’ve slept with half of them? Otherwise, I’m not seeing the problem.

• You’re an adult and can have consensual sex with as many people as you like.
• Any number would be fine, but eight isn’t even a large number.
• If you love sex and genuinely care about what the people (in what sounds like an insular 1950’s time warp think of your proclivities), fuck people outside said community.

I had multiple short term partners, some of which were a ONS, following an EA divorce.

Other peoples' opinions of that are filed under 'none of my fucking business'.

And if I do decide to commit to another relationship in the future, my previous sexual partners are irrelevant.

Sounds like everyone needs to grow the fuck up OP.

Her responses are a bit…off.

Then how do people know? Are you telling people? If they don't know each other and you keep your business private, no one needs to know what you get up to.

Your circle of men is small… they are gossiping and have exchanging notes!

Be cautious… especially if they are acquaintances of your ex. They will just take you as someone that’s easy.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

You shouldn’t be ashamed for having sex but you could take this as an opportunity to ask questions about why you’re getting involved with horrible people and having sex you don’t enjoy. You deserve better 😊

Honestly this is not the 1950's! These men sound vile, just avoid the gossip mongers and hold your head high. No explanation necessary to anyone! lf anyone mentions it to you just say it's none of their business and move on.

What’s your plan? Meet a guy and tell him how many men you’ve slept with? That’s what it sounds like anyway.

That is becoming public knowledge if they're discussing it and people are mentioning it to you.

Confused.

It’s rubbish but I know where we used to live this would end your dating game, I think it’s a small town thing. Everybody knows everybody’s business and so Susan who slept with X Y & Z last year is now untouchable, the only silver lining is that at least where we were it did go both ways and men were equally known and avoided if known to have slept with whoever.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong.
I do wonder is this the same pub or village that the sexual partners are form ?
As you know how situations like that go.
Private business is no longer private and there is the judgement .

8 men in 2 years is nothing - but I’d say you need to raise your standards of sexual partners. It seems it’s the quality of the men rather than the quantity that’s the issue here.

Grown adult men having consensual sex then bragging like Jay from the Inbetweeners is grim.

Sleep with who you want it’s no one else’s business but just be a bit more choosy and cast your net further than your local pub. Az another PP said, don’t shit on your own doorstep

@Inthecafe why the hell would they be sickened ?

I think this is maybe part of the problem, your own perception of reality. Maybe a lot of it is in your head. BTW 8 in 2 years is nothing for a healthy happy single person enjoying sex.

Do you live in the 1970s? This reminds me of the problem pages I read in teen magazines back then. Even then, there was some reassurance and advice about being careful about getting into the same situation again. And though frowned upon by many, ONS were definitely not unheard of.

How would everyone know about your partners anyway, plus, who cares? If you don't, it's no one else's business.

oh, this. I had the self-respect comment once and I replied I had so much self respect that I allow myself to do what I want when I want and that I enjoyed every minute. I put the onus on the ‘enjoyed every minute’ part hoping the sheer shamelessness would cause the misogynistic idiot to spontaneously combust. Sadly they didn’t but owning what you do instead of acting sheepish and like you’ve done something wrong NEVER gives these people what they want or expect and they move on.

You're single. Sleep with whoever you like. It's terrible we get this shame as women if you where a man he'd have double that lol

Do what feels right for you !

Thing is, your business is your own and fair play to you and all that. But if you go around telling everyone about your sex life or you're sleeping around within a small circle of men who know each other, the consequences of that is that you're going to face some negative judgment, (rightly or wrongly). If you're not bothered by that, great. I wasn't really bothered when my friends judged me for having lots of sexual partners before I was married, I did what I wanted, regretted some of it.
But sounds like OP is really bothered. The solution to that if she wants to continue is to keep it to herself and realise that most people don't actually care or wants to hear about how much she likes sex. Everyone likes sex!

Exactly

the fact the op utterly misunderstood my comment not once, but twice, would indicate maybe the op sees shadows where there are none

Sweet Jesus

another one

read my two posts. It is very clear!! 😆

I don't announce my sex life to anyone