Furious with DH and not sure I can get past it

[Yellowrose225588]

I am unexpectedly pregnant despite IUD contraception. I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out next steps with healthcare services including a trip to A&E (referred in). I may have to have an operation to remove the migrated IUD and then another for surgical termination.

i had a termination last year also despite contraception. We have two small children and very little sex, it feels very unlikely this is happening but it is.

After last year’s termination I had a mental health spiral and had some time off work, it was awful and my husband was there and I thought he saw how awful it was for me. I decided to get the IUD but I made it clear I wanted him to get a vasectomy and he agreed. However he has not prioritised it, ok so it’s not available on the NHS where we live and he would have to pay privately so it wasn’t the most straightforward thing to organise, but I feel like a trip to the GP and then a few emails/calls to get it booked privately is not a big deal given what I went through. He has consistently not been proactive and I’ve had to remind him, resulting in him not doing it yet and my current situation. It’s because he’s squeamish and although he knows there’s no excuse (definitely neither of us want more kids) he doesn’t really want to have it done and therefore has been half hearted about the whole thing.

I am so so angry. I appreciate I has consensual sex while using the iud as contraception so it’s not exactly his fault. But I can’t help thinking if he had prioritised my wellbeing over his minor discomfort (as he agreed to do!) I would not be looking at two operations and possibly a fairly late stage termination. He knows that we conceive very easily based on all previous conceptions. I am so stressed about the effect on my mental health as well. He’s apologised and he’s on the vasectomy waiting list now but I am furious at him. I don’t know if I can get past it. It’s only been a few days maybe I have to give it some time?

Hes generally a very good partner, pulls his weight with childcare and round the house and we usually have a respectful and loving relationship. He does struggle with even minor medical procedures e.g. blood test so maybe I should cut him some slack. But I am looking at two general anaesthetics now! I feel like screaming at him that he should have manned up.

You’re not wrong.

No point screaming at him about it now. I get why you’re upset but the chances of becoming pregnant like this twice are so vanishingly unlikely that neither of you are really to blame. Shit that you’re the one to have to go through it again but that’s biology.

I don’t think resentment towards him will help. Im
sorry you’re having to go through this.

Sorry this is happening op. He should’ve sorted it, absolutely. I can understand your anger.

OP💐💐💐 to you

Screaming is no help but I’d be clear that no sex until he’s has a snip and even after it’s been successful I’d be on some sort of contraception.

No contraception is 100%(2 IUD failures here).

He needs to man up and get over himself.

Alternatively I’d ask the dr’s if you could have your tubes tied (that’s if you’re absolutely done having the kids)

((()))

Yes he should have got it done. But you could have had a sterilisation, so it’s not fully down to him

I'm so sorry you're going through this, you have been very unlucky.
Tbh though I think it is too early to say you can never forgive him. You're right at the epicentre of an incredibly difficult time. Now isn't the moment to be having those thoughts or making those statements. Not just for the sake of your marriage but for you, you don't need the upheaval acting on those kind of thoughts will bring.
Do yourself a favour and put it aside for now, give yourself some time to recover first.
He's let you down but it sounds like it was inertia rather than not caring. And neither of you could have predicted such a difficult outcome.

A late stage termination? You didn't realise?

I don't know why so many men are so reticent about this, especially after everything your body has been through and the emotional toll of two terminations. DH booked his as soon as I said I was sure I didn't want another (pregnancy scare when DS was 3)

At this point I wouldn't be having sex with him until he has and yes it's his choice but it's your choice not to go through this again, you've tried with contraception and twice it has failed

sorry you're in this pridicament.

Do what you need to do. Make any further sex contingent on condoms and a vasectomy.

To be fair I didn't know I was pregnant until I was 11 weeks, mainly because the NHS told me I was infertile, so when I started feeling dizzy and peeing a lot I thought I might be diabetic! I can imagine if you have an IUD it might not be on your radar

I don’t know - I have a coil so no periods… and have been doing periodic pregnancy tests so probably it’s still quite early based on the last one being negative, but not had the scan yet, and who knows how long it will take for the coil to be removed through NHS. Abortion service have said they can’t do anything until that is done. I am spiralling here I know. Maybe it won’t take a long time but I don’t know and that isn’t helping.

Yes you’re right. I think what hurts the most is that he agreed to it and he didn’t do it. Vasectomy is a quick local anaesthetic procedure and female sterilisation is a proper operation with down time (plus not nhs so much more expensive, in the thousands, I did look). If he had never agreed to it I wouldn’t be so cross I think. I just feel let down. And as a woman, it’s all on me, again.

It’s not nhs funded because it’s a much bigger procedure (and more expensive I assume) than vasectomy. I did ask when I was at the GP yesterday. Felt pretty cross with the health service that neither male or female sterilisation is offered for us, despite the 2x failure of standard contraception. I have always been contraception adherent! Cannot quite believe the odds on this! Thank you for the reply

Thanks for reply. Yes definitely no sex, that is very clear. It took me a long time to be comfortable having sex after the last one anyway and I see no need to rush.

Sorry op how traumatic.

No penetrative sex until he's had the v

Ex theatre nurse - vasectomy is minor surgery that can be done under a local anaesthetic. Sterilisation is still classed as major abdominal surgery, typically with a general anaesthetic. The latter is far more invasive and if it’s private, far more expensive!
YellowRose I’m sorry you’re in this position. You are justified in feeling furious. Don’t make any life changing decisions right now. You’re scared plus pregnancy hormones. Wait until your situation gets a bit clearer before you say anything that can’t be unsaid.

Do you know how difficult it is to get a sterilisation and also how much more invasive it is?

Female sterilisation is less effective than the hormone IUD.

https://cks.nice.org.uk/topics/contraception-assessment/background-information/comparative-effectiveness-of-contraceptive-methods/

Gosh, when I got pregnant with (I thought at the time) my IUD in, they sent me for a scan the same week to check where the IUD was and whether the pg was ectopic. I hope you're not waiting a long time. In my case the IUD had fallen out and it was a normal pregnancy.. I tell everyone to never get the strings trimmed now!

In any case you'd trust that hormonal contraception methods work, so although what's happening to you is really unfortunate, the fault doesn't lie with your husband - he's not to blame.

Though it's true he can also look to get a vasectomy, it's a (mentally) big procedure intended to leave him permanently infertile. At the end of the day, it's his body, and just like he can't force you to get your tubes tied (for example), you can't force him to get a vasectomy. You could certainly pressure him into it with emotional blackmail but he'd then resent you and that would hugely take its toll on your relationship.

I'd definitely move from hormonal contraception methods and simply use condoms if you're going to continue to have sex.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I can't even begin to fathom the emotional toll this has had on you. It's an emotional time but you'll get through it!

I agree , there was an no easy solution and he opted not to bother. Is there a reason you didn’t add condoms in?
Given your high fertility levels abstinence seems safest until his vasectomy is completed.

How come you were doing periodic tests?

If you're worried about waiting so long it turns late stage, I would book an appointment with a private gynae to discuss whether you need op or can have normal IUD removal. I had one during covid when the NHS list was massive, it was about £200 and I got an appointment within days. Husband can pay. Obviously it might be different to mine with pregnancy complications but I would look into it. If you don't need an op they can do it there and then probably (and they use local anaesthetic!)

Yes he should do as he agreed. In the meantime he should have used condoms and pulled out. Or avoided PIV.
I'm sorry this is so stressful op.

I keep trying to think of a reason that isn’t awful for why you posted this, but I can’t think of one.

Thank you that’s good to know. I hope it will be quick too then, but so far nobody seems to be able to decide who or when will help
me.