Furious with DH and not sure I can get past it

[Yellowrose225588]

I am unexpectedly pregnant despite IUD contraception. I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out next steps with healthcare services including a trip to A&E (referred in). I may have to have an operation to remove the migrated IUD and then another for surgical termination.

i had a termination last year also despite contraception. We have two small children and very little sex, it feels very unlikely this is happening but it is.

After last year’s termination I had a mental health spiral and had some time off work, it was awful and my husband was there and I thought he saw how awful it was for me. I decided to get the IUD but I made it clear I wanted him to get a vasectomy and he agreed. However he has not prioritised it, ok so it’s not available on the NHS where we live and he would have to pay privately so it wasn’t the most straightforward thing to organise, but I feel like a trip to the GP and then a few emails/calls to get it booked privately is not a big deal given what I went through. He has consistently not been proactive and I’ve had to remind him, resulting in him not doing it yet and my current situation. It’s because he’s squeamish and although he knows there’s no excuse (definitely neither of us want more kids) he doesn’t really want to have it done and therefore has been half hearted about the whole thing.

I am so so angry. I appreciate I has consensual sex while using the iud as contraception so it’s not exactly his fault. But I can’t help thinking if he had prioritised my wellbeing over his minor discomfort (as he agreed to do!) I would not be looking at two operations and possibly a fairly late stage termination. He knows that we conceive very easily based on all previous conceptions. I am so stressed about the effect on my mental health as well. He’s apologised and he’s on the vasectomy waiting list now but I am furious at him. I don’t know if I can get past it. It’s only been a few days maybe I have to give it some time?

Hes generally a very good partner, pulls his weight with childcare and round the house and we usually have a respectful and loving relationship. He does struggle with even minor medical procedures e.g. blood test so maybe I should cut him some slack. But I am looking at two general anaesthetics now! I feel like screaming at him that he should have manned up.

Thanks for reply. Last years contraception failure was with condoms so not going to rely on those again. Yes I agree it’s a big deal for him. I didn’t pressure him, it’s the fact that I explained that I had been through a huge thing and I thought that coil plus vasectomy would be super safe. And he agreed with me and then didn’t follow through. That’s what makes me feel let down.

Well I had already gotten pregnant using contraception and I was scared it would happen again, rightly so it turns out. I’m glad I did to be honest otherwise I wouldn’t have known until I got symptoms I guess? Hoping that the asymptomatic positive test means it’s early. it takes a good couple of weeks to get a medical abortion organised, for anyone that’s never had one, there are several hoops to jump through. It’s not something I would ever want to be up against the clock on.

Fair question. I was told the IUD was one of the most effective types of contraception there is and we had already gotten pregnant with condoms so no faith there. I felt like I super unlucky to be the one to get pregnant with condoms. I feel like the universe is not on my side having gotten pregnant with the IUD as well.

You are very unlucky op all more reason why your dh should have a vasectomy.

Thanks, been to GP and been discussed with hospital gynae already. They can’t take it out the usual way, they think it’s moved. Good idea on the private apt, I can do this yes. I feel like an operation to have it removed privately would be £1000s though. But yes if NHS go too slow I guess we would find the money since there is a time limit. It depends how far I am, so maybe an apt with scan privately would be a good first step.

You arent wrong.

I would focus on myself, my needs and the kids and stay quiet/ get through this time.
I'm fairly outspoken and don't mind a fight but i dont think it will help you here necessarily.

I would just calmly explain you've had 2 horrific medical events happen to your body due to his unwillingnes to undergo a minor one and you cannot face another so you wont be engaging in any sexual relations until he has had a vasectomy

Bizarre that people are suggesting a far less effective method of contraception (condoms have a 2% failure rate, even when used perfectly) than the one OP is currently using. Only the implant and vasectomy are more effective than the hormonal IUD.

OP is far from irresponsible, just very, very unlucky. ☹️

Jesus what a whimp he is.

I got my vasectomy on Tuesday because I saw the pain my wife went through birthing both our children.

It's not my ideal way of spending a leisurely afternoon but you do the things you need to for your family. It's a local anasthetic, a few tugs here and there and a couple of snips you don't even feel. It's all over in about 20 minutes.

Take his man card off him and make him sit in the boat with the women and children, preferably wearing a big frilly dress so the world knows how much of a whimp he is.

That's really rare, how scary... Looks like you're both two super fertile superhumans. Incredibly useful if you're trying to conceive again, not so much if your feel your family is already complete!

I can see why you'd feel let down. I'd be disappointed too if he didn't keep his word especially given what you've been through. Besides, I'd argue that going through an abortion is significantly more emotional than getting a vasectomy. In other words, you've been carrying the emotional load and he is yet to do so. But if no other methods of contraception are working, I'd suggest to him that a vasectomy would be a necessary last resort to save your sex lives. It seems you've both exhausted all contraceptive options. He clearly doesn't want to have it, but if it means saving your sex lives and therefore your relationship, then needs must! Good luck OP!

I found that my husband arranged his vasectomy pretty quickly when I told him we wouldn’t have sex until he did…

Two years ago I fell pregnant and while inspecting (very heavy bleeding) they also discovered that IUD had migrated, unfortunately when they tried to retrieve it (fun) they broke it 🤦🏼‍♀️ so when they dealt with the ectopic they took it out. May I ask why you can't get sterilised on the NHS? I did after the surgery and quite quickly as well, all in all it took a year, I had to be firm though and I found them (GP, gynecologist) very uncooperative, they don't want to do it and are not shy about it (you could do permanent damage ect...) but since you have been very unlucky, you shouldn't struggle to have it done! DH would have done the vasectomy but there was no way I was trusting someone else regarding pregnancy (we really REALLY didn't want more children). You must insist and explain it is also for your mental health.

I feel for you op,I can hear how upset and angry you are through your posts.

You had the IDU fitted (so took responsibility) and yes, your dh should have prioritised his vasectomy. I think you are angry and worried and your DH is the easy target. I agree he needs a rocket up his arse and there’s no way I’d have sex with him again until he’s had it done and given the all clear.

As for getting past it, I think it would all very much depend on how supportive he is and how he deals with the ‘no sex’

Thank you this is good to know. I cried at the GP when trying to explain about the whole things and didn’t get much sympathy, and I asked about sterilisation but was told no they do not offer it. I live in one of the few postcodes where vasectomy is not nhs funded so I dont hold out much hope for female sterilisation. But you are right, once the emotions of all this have calmed down I will go back and explain how I feel that this is a special case and see what can be done.

I agree he is unreasonable for not having a vasectomy given the circumstances but on other hand I also believe in bodily autonomy and you can only ask, not dictate. His choice at the end of the day.

However.

For that reason I think it's absolutely imperative that women take responsibility for their own fertility - which you were doing to some extent - but if you really don't want sex to end in pregnancy; and don't want to be sterilised yourself, then abstinence is the way forward.

(and you'd probably find, he'd sort it out quicker)

I'd be feeling let down and angry too OP but now I think you should focus on your own wellbeing. Many years ago I was in a similar position. I had a termination I was sterilised at the same time. Would this be an option for you and your peace of mind?

Thank you. We don’t have sex often anyway (two little kids) maybe once or twice a month which makes this situation all the more unlikely. I have already told him there will be no sex and he was completely fine with it. He’s not the type to ever pressure me, even gently, he never did after either of my kids delivery or after the previous termination so I think this part will be ok.

I would like to but I have been told it’s not an NHS procedure. I can ask again or start saving to have it privately. It’s about £3000, I looked into it last year. It would be a good use of money given the situation.

He feels terrible now and is on the list. Can that help you forgive him
for dithering out of fear for himself? He let you down, but your situation is down to very very bad luck not bad behaviour by him.

Not all women get a period whilst using the coil. That’s actually the reason why some women decide to use it.

if you have no period, how do you know you’re pg?

I disagree there.

The OP has done all the work with contraception so far. She is the one who had to go through a termination, including her worsened MH.
And he knew they got pg whikst using contraception.

Meanwhile, he AGREED to a vasectomy. But basically hoped that kicking the can further down the line woukd work. Because he is ‘squeamish’ agd couldn’t give a toss about the OP’s health.

So no. Putting the responsibility of the situation on the OP is not ok.

Ok I hope things go smoothly for you.

I don’t agree with shouting or forcing someone into any surgery.

Condoms for him and contraception for you?

I think if you’re in favour of surgery, how about sterilisation? It’s clear he’s not keen on a surgery which in reality caused 1 in 10 men to have complications, including chronic permanent pain.

I would never want my DH to have a vasectomy.

It's 1 in 100 that have a haematoma that might need drained at A&E.

95% of men have no complications and are generally back to full working order within a week.

A vasectomy is no more dangerous or painful than a visit to the dentist for a filling.

It's unfortunate for sure. But the fact you had the IUD meant both of you believed pregnancy wouldn't be possible. So it's no-ones fault per se.

I hope you/he have enough money to pay for the vasectomy? You have to say that if he doesn't do it he'll need to wear about six condoms on top of eachother or you're banning PIV fully until he does it?

I'm half joking but he does need to start taking responsibility. It's not right your body and MH should have to suffer.

My husband had a vasectomy about 40 years ago.
Meanwhile, you must have had some terrible experiences with dentists and fillings.