Furious with DH and not sure I can get past it

[Yellowrose225588]

I am unexpectedly pregnant despite IUD contraception. I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out next steps with healthcare services including a trip to A&E (referred in). I may have to have an operation to remove the migrated IUD and then another for surgical termination.

i had a termination last year also despite contraception. We have two small children and very little sex, it feels very unlikely this is happening but it is.

After last year’s termination I had a mental health spiral and had some time off work, it was awful and my husband was there and I thought he saw how awful it was for me. I decided to get the IUD but I made it clear I wanted him to get a vasectomy and he agreed. However he has not prioritised it, ok so it’s not available on the NHS where we live and he would have to pay privately so it wasn’t the most straightforward thing to organise, but I feel like a trip to the GP and then a few emails/calls to get it booked privately is not a big deal given what I went through. He has consistently not been proactive and I’ve had to remind him, resulting in him not doing it yet and my current situation. It’s because he’s squeamish and although he knows there’s no excuse (definitely neither of us want more kids) he doesn’t really want to have it done and therefore has been half hearted about the whole thing.

I am so so angry. I appreciate I has consensual sex while using the iud as contraception so it’s not exactly his fault. But I can’t help thinking if he had prioritised my wellbeing over his minor discomfort (as he agreed to do!) I would not be looking at two operations and possibly a fairly late stage termination. He knows that we conceive very easily based on all previous conceptions. I am so stressed about the effect on my mental health as well. He’s apologised and he’s on the vasectomy waiting list now but I am furious at him. I don’t know if I can get past it. It’s only been a few days maybe I have to give it some time?

Hes generally a very good partner, pulls his weight with childcare and round the house and we usually have a respectful and loving relationship. He does struggle with even minor medical procedures e.g. blood test so maybe I should cut him some slack. But I am looking at two general anaesthetics now! I feel like screaming at him that he should have manned up.

I fell pregnant on tbe IUD and they removed my coil at the first scan. I made a point to call the EPU and tell them I've just found out I'm pregnant and I have a coil and they got me booked in asap.

OP I think you both need a break. Two young kids means that sometimes things slip and if it isn’t an immediate need it can be pushed.

No birth control is 100% so being on the iud had a very good chance but your are highly fertile as you mentioned.

This is on both of you.

Sending you my best wishes OP. Why are they so blooming squeamish about this? My ex was always moaning about condoms, or Wellington boots as he called them , got a leaflet but never got any further than that. As for you having sterilisation, it is more invasive as many have said. Hand hold. U do right to rant.

An IUD can stop periods, so it's entirely possible OP didn't know sooner.

This is a really misogynistic comment.

Sit in the boat with the women in a frilly dress? To show the world that he is pathetic and weak … like the wimpy women in the boat in their silly dresses??

Read the room buddy. and maybe have a think about your views.

women are not weak or wimps or lesser than men , with their manly ‘man cards’. This OP has been through horrendous situations and dangerous surgery due to her female biology. Nothing wimpy about that.

comparing a man to a woman in order to humiliate and ridicule him is really offensive to women. It means you think of women as lesser than and wimpy. I imagine you don’t think this is true of you, but you need to think about your words.

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this. I really hope you get the medical help you need to resolve this quickly.

your DH is an arse for putting this off, I would be furious too.

No I think if anyone I know in real life was happy to watch his wife suffer instead of having a simple 20 minute procedure themselves they would get nothing but ridicule from me.

That ridicule could range from "ya big Jessie" [apologies to anyone named Jessie] to "you are as soft as shit" [apologies to shit]. I could go on but you are obviously only interested in examples that paint me as some toxic, women hating monster so I'll not bother to disabuse you of that notion.

I understand that you feel strongly about this. You wanted to show how weak and wrong the OP’s husband was for choosing his own comfort over protecting her.

you also specifically likened this man who you think is weak and wimpy to being like a woman. (Lifeboats, frilly dresses… we got the references).

I urge you to reflect on why you think making a man out to be effeminate, like a woman, or displaying feminine tendencies or characteristics is an insult.

and if you don’t think this way, maybe choose your words carefully when criticising people 🤷🏻‍♀️

This

Edited - sorry the quote broke, this was a reply to @MsDDxx post earlier :)

OP was saying she was wanting to shout because DH agreed to have the procedure, then simply didn’t. It is clear from her posts she was never intending to coerce her DH into surgery. He said he would, he didn’t, and that breaks trust.

As an aside, and I’ll let you do the research yourself, but the assertions you make about vasectomy are incorrect. Research shows that chronic pain affects 1-2% of patients, and “chronic pain” is characterised by pain lasting “three months or more”. In such cases further treatment may be performed which alleviates the symptoms of pain. You can find all this out by googling and reading the research papers freely available on the National Institute of Health website (NLM). There’s also a nice leaflet by the British Association of Urological Surgeons to peruse.

sex should have been off the table until he’d got it done as agreed then

Make him use a condom everything you have sex. See how quick he books in then

If you don't want to get pregnant, stop yourself getting pregnant. Don't rely on anyone else to do it for you.

Can you not get sterilised?

If they have to find your lost IUD (although I am not sure exactly via what route this is done) might they be able to clip your tubes at the same time?

But yes - you are right to be pissed off with him - I would be!

It costs £3000, it’s a significant abdominal surgery with a general anaesthetic and associated time off work, and it carries more risk of bleeding, infection and so on compared to a vasectomy. So yes, I can, but it’s not an easy or quick solution. Vasectomy is 20 minutes in the GP with a local anaesthetic.

God there are some idiotic replies on this thread.

@Yellowrose225588 Your husband's let you down badly here. I don't think this will ever be forgotten, but in all other areas he sounds like a good egg, like he loves you and like steps up. He's messed up very, very badly here but I think that you will get past this in the long run. It won't be forgotten, but it might very well also fade into the past.

I completely understand why you didn't go for sterilization, given his promise. This is on him. But give it time, and yes, I think you're entitled to a good shout at him at least once.

The IUD is one of the most effective forms of contraception that there is, I resent the implication that I have been irresponsible here. I did take appropriate measures to stop getting pregnant!

(fwiw I got sterilized, entirely my wish, and it really wasn't easy. Worth it, but not easy or cheap).

Totally agree with you OP. I depend on that and have never questioned whether I should use anything else.

Also, it's not like it's a bloody pleasant experience getting a copper device shoved through your cervix (on the NHS, usually without any pain relief)!!

That’s really not a fair characterisation of what’s happened here imo. Contraception was being used, properly by the sound of it.

@harriethoyle No contraceptive is one hundred per cent effective.

Im really glad you said that! There have been some really insensitive and uninformed replies to this post. You know your reality , and you are justified in feeling really pissed off and let down by your DH.

I really hope you are doing ok OP xx