Furious with DH and not sure I can get past it

[Yellowrose225588]

I am unexpectedly pregnant despite IUD contraception. I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out next steps with healthcare services including a trip to A&E (referred in). I may have to have an operation to remove the migrated IUD and then another for surgical termination.

i had a termination last year also despite contraception. We have two small children and very little sex, it feels very unlikely this is happening but it is.

After last year’s termination I had a mental health spiral and had some time off work, it was awful and my husband was there and I thought he saw how awful it was for me. I decided to get the IUD but I made it clear I wanted him to get a vasectomy and he agreed. However he has not prioritised it, ok so it’s not available on the NHS where we live and he would have to pay privately so it wasn’t the most straightforward thing to organise, but I feel like a trip to the GP and then a few emails/calls to get it booked privately is not a big deal given what I went through. He has consistently not been proactive and I’ve had to remind him, resulting in him not doing it yet and my current situation. It’s because he’s squeamish and although he knows there’s no excuse (definitely neither of us want more kids) he doesn’t really want to have it done and therefore has been half hearted about the whole thing.

I am so so angry. I appreciate I has consensual sex while using the iud as contraception so it’s not exactly his fault. But I can’t help thinking if he had prioritised my wellbeing over his minor discomfort (as he agreed to do!) I would not be looking at two operations and possibly a fairly late stage termination. He knows that we conceive very easily based on all previous conceptions. I am so stressed about the effect on my mental health as well. He’s apologised and he’s on the vasectomy waiting list now but I am furious at him. I don’t know if I can get past it. It’s only been a few days maybe I have to give it some time?

Hes generally a very good partner, pulls his weight with childcare and round the house and we usually have a respectful and loving relationship. He does struggle with even minor medical procedures e.g. blood test so maybe I should cut him some slack. But I am looking at two general anaesthetics now! I feel like screaming at him that he should have manned up.

Statistically yes, but damn there are some men in excruciating pain out there.

I’ve been scrolling through forums on and off for years trying to find some relief for my DP. He suffers from strong testicular pain from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed.

Not from a vasectomy in his case, but having seen what the chronic pain can be like I think a man needs to make the decision entirely by himself.

Yes sorry, I didn't mean my first question to be rude. If you got a negative test but you were doing it because you "felt" pregnant, that might be different (more likely a false early neg) than if you were just doing it at random and got a negative.
Hoping you get it sorted soon OP. Horrible luck, I depend on IUD too and also understand it to be the most effective. I would feel aggrieved at DH in your shoes, too x

That’s completely fair and I agree, but this is not what happened. I am disappointed because we talked about it and agreed as a couple it was the best thing, and he hasn’t done it when he said he would.

That’s ok you didnt seem rude, thank you for the message

Well done for getting a vasectomy etc etc but maybe a post where OP is explaining how much pain and surgery she may have to have because her DH didn't book a minor outpatient procedure isn't the place to compare big strong "men" who aren't scared of the doctors with "wimpy women and children in our frilly dresses".

Everything to do with reproduction from age 10 to age 60 is way more medically complicated, painful, dangerous and traumatic for women than it is for men. A vasectomy is, respectfully, fuck all compared to what we go through. So maybe less of the wimpy frilly dresses comments yeah?

I totally get why you feel let down and cross by his procrastination BUT - you chose to have sex with him with using additional barrier contraception even despite your last conception when you knew he hadn’t had the snip. That’s on both of you. Please don’t throw a good relationship away for something which BOTH of you have brought about. It’s not fair on either of you or, more importantly, your children.

Oh God, do pipe down with this utterly toxic masculinity 🙄

I agree he should have had it done. It’s all very well talking about bodily autonomy but if you are a couple making choices as a couple then the least risky option is for OP’s DH to have a vasectomy.

After getting pregnant accidentally using condoms, OP had an IUD, which are incredibly reliable and effective. In that situation I don’t actually think it’s wildly unreasonable for him not to want to spend hundreds of pounds on a vasectomy. He should get one now though, given the contraceptive failures.

As an aside, I do not understand why the NHS doesn’t offer vasectomies everywhere. We are also in an area that doesn’t offer them, and if we couldn’t have afforded for DH to have it done privately, it would probably have cost the NHS more to provide free contraception for me, with multiple appointments etc for potentially 20 more years compared to just doing the vasectomy. Obviously for a couple, a vasectomy is cheaper than a baby, but it’s not cheaper than free contraception for the woman, so I can understand why people don’t pay. This choice by the NHS is financially stupid, as well as fucking annoying for continuing to place the contraceptive burden on women.

I'm not sure why you think that it is a mentally bigger procedure for OP's DH to have a vasectomy than for OP to have given birth to two children, have had a termination then an IUD fitted and now needs to have another termination. A vasectomy is a minor outpatient procedure while female sterilisation is a much more invasive medical procedure under general anaesthetic. She has also said that her previous pregnancy that was terminated was conceived when her DH was using condoms.

He promised her that he would get a vasectomy and then didn't do it. She is rightly very upset.

As part of the consultation I was asked loads of questions relating to medical history. I don't think any man with testicular issues would be allowed to have a vasectomy.

Within 1st year ok yes. Not after some time has passed

Would you prefer feeble whimpiness and the OP be in this same predicament in 4 or 6 or 10 months time because her DH was scared of a minor outpatient procedure?

I'm genuinely baffled why any man without underlying health issues would dodge such a simple procedure that would significantly help their partners own mental and physical health. Not to mention give the children they do have a much more stable and predictable future.

But then again, I love my wife and kids.

Your response completely contradicts itself.

First paragraph: OP is in serious pain because DH won't get a vasectomy.

Second paragraph: a vasectomy is a simple procedure.

All of which I agreed with. Is it the frilly dress comment you have a problem with or do you just struggle to understand written English?

Again. Stop talking.

I’d be really pissed off too OP.

When I started taking medication that you’re told not to get pregnant on, I had already got fed up of hormonal contraception and had a coil. Then I got worried the coil would slip. DH booked his vasectomy as soon as I asked.

The problem I have is that you're a sexist prick. Noone wants you on this thread so please fuck off, cheers!

Also it's "wimp".

It's a serious operation for a woman to be sterilized and there are risks that come with any operation. For a man otoh the procedure is minor. So yes, it should be on him.

Some people just can't pass by a potential opportunity to get a pat on the back eh 🙄

So sorry you are in this situation. DH and I are super fertile and it’s something people don’t appreciate is a bit of a nightmare.

IUD didn’t agree with me, other hormonal options didn’t either. Horrific periods meant womb ablation and they wanted me to be sterilised at the same time which I agreed to. DH had reluctantly agreed to the snip but I was happy to have it done instead under the circumstances.

A thread by an OP that wants her DH to get a minor operation I've just so happened to have had and I'm not welcome.

Make it make sense.

I'll leave you to guard the thread like Cerberus and the gates of hell.

She probably isn’t having regular periods if she has the Mirena.

The frilly dress comment implied wimpiness is associated with femininity, so it was sexist bullshit.
Do you struggle to understand what toxic masculinity and sex based stereotyping are?
I suggest you go flex your very manly masculinity somewhere men congregate. Women don't like it.

Please, genuinely, do sit in a quiet room and read your posts back and reflect on why they were unhelpful, irrelevant and sexist. Maybe pay extra attention to the bits where you talk about "revoking a man card" and talk about sitting on the wimpy boat with pathetic women and children - of the humiliation of being with the pathetic weak women instead of the big strong men!

If after reading them back you are still unable to see why you've pissed everyone off, then I'm afraid that you're very unlikely to be anywhere near as good a husband or father as you think.

That's a bit of a leap but OK, I'll go back and ask for my big strong man sticker from the family planning clinic. I'll wear it proudly just to follow through on my toxicity LOL.

Apologies if I have offended men, women, boats and frilly dresses.