Money disagreement post maternity leave

[KayleighMum1]

I’ve recently returned to work after having my first child. I was paid for most of my mat leave and my partner picked up a greater share when I went down to half pay.

We are now at loggerheads as I work PT and my partner thinks I don’t earn enough to do as ‘few’ a hours (still over 20 a week) and I feel he resents that he will need to pay more. I have made the childcare point but he says with the free hours the cost saving is minimal.

Can I please ask how you would look at splitting the below.

-House bills including Mortgage (c.£1200 a month)
-Food/child costs (c.£500 a month)
-Total - £1700 a month

Person 1 - take home c.£1000
Person 2 - take home c.£3000

We never split the bills in this way. We just put everything into one big pot as it was “our family ” money not mine/his. This worked out well for me when I was on mat leave with each child as well as when my husband became unwell and couldnt work for a period of time. You are one family. I’d be really pissed off if my partner was not valuing childcare as it is domestic labour. I always worked p/t when my kids were little and picked up more of the childcare but this enabled my husband to concentrate a bit more on his career.

Now that the kids are older and I’m able to work more I was able to concentrate more on my career and now earn the same as my partner.

ideally all money is for the family but obviously this only works if both parties are trustworthy, value what each other is contributing (whether that’s money or childcare) and both agree to it.

Sorry meant to say - you seem to a third of what your partner does so I’d say you should pay a third of every bill if you are intent upon separate finances.

are you married or not.

if married, it should definitely be a household pot - both parents put salary in and then the money after expenses can be split into savings and a bit of personal spending money.

even if you aren't earning a lot after childcare right now, keeping your job is important to build your potential for earning more in the future and to keep your independence.

Looks like your child needs more child care then, so you can go to work.

Is he doing some pick ups, getting a tired child home, giving them tea and putting them to bed? I suspect if he did that a few days a week he might change his mind about you working more!

Appreciate the comments about marriage, career etc and fully aware of that.

But solely looking for views on the split above. Putting into one pot feels a bit off given the disparity in earnings.

Forgot to say only he drives so has petrol costs and maintenance etc.

He does chip in with drop offs and bedtime routine etc.

Fair is you pay 25% and he pays 75%

Does he do 50% of the housework and childcare? Is his work flexible enough that he does half of nursery drop offs and pick ups ? Presumably your part-time job means that you can do stuff like the nursery pick up and drop off, starting dinner some days etc

Why didn't you discuss this before you made a child together?

Nursery is a couple of days a week and he does both drop offs and the pick up on one day (family does the other)- I’d have to walk there and would take a while. He does some housework but I’d say I do more.

Did you not discuss this before you got pregnant?

Can you work full time? Might not be worth it of course but I would if everything is to split 50/50.

Has he looked at the actual cost of the free hours childcare?

A lot of people get caught out by the charges and limitations of it when budgeting.

Re your comment;

“Putting into one pot feels a bit off given the disparity in earnings”

why?

Is that really what you think or also what he’s told you?. The potential for you being financially abused by him here is pretty high. (If bills are to be split it should be done proportionate to income). I sincerely hope he is not yet another man who does not want to share.

BTW did you give this child your surname or his?.

I would rather have the time with my DC and current set up is best of both worlds. I know I won’t always be PT, but want to enjoy these years when we don’t financially have a need for a higher income.

What you want and what you get a two different things op.

Could you do 4 days.

You can only resolve it by talking to one another and trying to find a compromise.

Best of luck.

Yeah of course, but even with me doing more more hours there’d be a fairly big disparity still due to salary differences

Chip in? Blimey, he has got you well trained it is his child. He shouldn’t be chipping in. He should be doing it!!

What you need to do is be grown-ups and have one pot for all money he’s been ridiculous

He is not supposed to merely just chip in either as he is equally responsible for the household chores. Do not allow him to just do what could well amount to the barest of bare minimum’s here.

As a married parent with young children the idea of splitting finances like this feels bizarre to me. You’re a family and as a family you have £4k income a month and 1.7k outgoings. Do you really want to be dividing up finances as if you’re nothing more than flatmates who happen to be coparenting a child? Who knows what would be “fair” in that scenario - maybe figure out what custody split you are modelling and then have a look at a child maintenance calculator?

You should both put 42% of your pay into the joint point. You both still have 58% of your pay at your disposal.

Ok so you earn 1/3 of what he does therefor pay 1/3 of the bills. Your bills come to 1700 per month. So you pay £566 per month .

but how are you going to decide how you both fairly pay for additonal extras such as toys. clothes, shoes, nappies, haircuts, bday gifts for your children’s friends, school stuff, holidays etc.

Another couple who share a child and bicker over money.

God I can’t cope with these threads. Women just feeling like they have to pay half of everything when they have children or it isn’t ‘fair’. Fucking hell. And it’s getting so normalised! What happened to a man taking care of his family?

Choosing to have a baby out of wedlock with a man who brings home 3x your salary and expects you to fund 50% of the bills is not a sound financial decision. Without the protection of marriage, with you contributing 50%, your DP will have the opportunity to feather his own nest in regards to pension, investments, and savings, and can walk away with 100% of this, leaving you with £0. Same if you contribute 1/3 and he contributes 2/3–he will still have significantly more cash than you at the end of the month to invest. It’s not a great financial setup for an unmarried woman to be in, TBH.

I completely understand the desire to work PT and spend more time with children whilst they’re young - we don’t get this time back. However, if you working part time means that your partner has to subsidise you, it really should be an arrangement that you both agree on IMO.

If you are arguing about it, and he feels resentful, it isn’t working for everyone.

If you don’t want to do the one pot system, then you do it proportionate to net income. As another poster said, you make 25% of the total household income, so you should pay 25% of the household bills.

My DH earns about 25k less than me so I pick up a higher amount of the bills. I don’t see why any other way would be fair. However, it seems your partner doesn’t value the childcare you do, presumably because you could earn more if you utilised the 30 free hours and worked during that period instead. That is a relationship problem, not a financial one.