Money disagreement post maternity leave

[KayleighMum1]

I’ve recently returned to work after having my first child. I was paid for most of my mat leave and my partner picked up a greater share when I went down to half pay.

We are now at loggerheads as I work PT and my partner thinks I don’t earn enough to do as ‘few’ a hours (still over 20 a week) and I feel he resents that he will need to pay more. I have made the childcare point but he says with the free hours the cost saving is minimal.

Can I please ask how you would look at splitting the below.

-House bills including Mortgage (c.£1200 a month)
-Food/child costs (c.£500 a month)
-Total - £1700 a month

Person 1 - take home c.£1000
Person 2 - take home c.£3000

I don't want or need a man to 'take care of me' , nothing gives me the ick more than being dependent on someone.
I did however wait until I was both in a financially stable independent position and married, before I had DC.
ETA I do also expect DH to pull his weight, I'm not a housewife.

In your current income split and setup, you should contribute 25%. However, your partner is correct that you can’t just decide to work part-time.

One person working part time needs to be by mutual agreement.

it should also only be done if you are married and pooling incomes. Otherwise you are taking all the financial burden and risk of having a child onto yourself. It’s supposed to be shared by the parents.

How do you work 20 hours a week and only have your child in a nursery for two days a week? Do your/his parents look after them on a third day or do you do shift work?

A decision for anyone to go part time should be by discussion between you both. Is compressed hours an option? Working part time is not just a benefit for you but for the child as well. When I had my first DC I went back 4 days but both DH and I put our funds into one pot and then spent according to our budget. Both of us have been the higher earner at one point or another. With my second I went back full time but DH does compressed hours to have a day off with DC.

When we moved in together we just became one pot. It doesn't matter who earns more- and at times that's been him, at other times me. The income is ours jointly.

Family have them on one of the days

How was the decision to go PT arrived to? Is it just your decision? It should be a joint decision, similar to how the finances are agreed.

So he earns three times what you do; so the split should be proportional. And, not least presumably you're doing a larger share of child related stuff too.

I despair.

Bloody can't stand men who don't see any value in childcare/ carrying a child/ labour etc

You can’t just decide to work part time and then tell him that he has to pay more towards costs. That’s a joint decision. He doesn’t want it, so you have to work or find another way to fund your share of the bills. Unless it was agreed before you got pregnant that you’d go part time and he has now gone back on that

The childcare bill will go into the pot, so it will be split between you. You won’t be paying it alone. You need to go back to work if that is what was expected before you got pregnant. Or have an actual discussion about it. You can’t just say “I want the best of both worlds so I’m working part time and you have to pay for it.”

Sounds like he is willing to pay for the childcare as part of all household bills. He doesn’t agree to pay more of absolutely everything because OP has unilaterally decided that she will work less and told him he has to pay more.

This is why you should get married when you have children. He needs to understand that you are now a family unit and he will need to pay a greater share to cover your reduced earnings and childcare etc.
if he thinks paying for your child is all on you there will be big problems ahead.

@BeltaLodaLife
And is there value in a child having a parent with them most of the time?
How about the fact that he doesn't have to worry about childcare while she's at home? Do those things have value?

But that’s not what is happening. She doesn’t need to have reduced earning and they don’t discuss or agree to that.

He wants her to work as normal and split the childcare bill. She has decided to go part time without discussion. Says herself that she wants to best of both worlds; time with the baby while he picks up the financial burden without actually discussing if that’s ok. You can’t behave like that.

Those aren’t relevant. What’s relevant is what they agreed to before getting pregnant or what they’ve discussed since. The OP simply cannot decide to go part time, tell him to cover the change in finances and act affronted when he says no or wants a discussion about it.

25/75 is the fairest split. But given it seems your partner didn't agree to you going on reduced hours, you could split it this way:

Your bills are about 42% of your overall income. So each person should contribute 42% of their income.

I am assuming that since you work 20 hours a week, your take home pay if you worked full time would be £2000 a month. 42% of £2000 is £840. So the cost of you going part time to the household is £420 a month (the difference between 42% of your income now, and what you could pay if you were working full time).

But...

Since you're at home, you contribute childcare savings and probably do more of the housework. I don't know what you're saving in childcare, but I'm going to say that even with subsidies it's in the region of £250 a month. Regarding housework, if you're home two days a week I can guarantee you're doing a couple of hours housework in addition to him on those days. Minimum wage is £12, so you're contributing another £200 a month in housework costs. That means you being at home saves the household £30 a month rather than you being at work full time.

£840 - £250 - £200 equals £390. That's how much you should pay towards the bills.

He earns 3 times what you do, so he pays 3 times what you do

I just don’t agree. He only earns 3 times more because she, alone, decided to work less. He didn’t agree to it, he didn’t agree to cover her costs for her reducing her hours. You can’t just decide to work less and demand that your partner cover the financial shortfall. If he refused to pay for childcare then that would be different, but he isn’t refusing.

This!
Maybe he doesn't want the financial pressure....maybe he doesn't like his job and wishes he could reduce hours too.

So far, it sounds like she was the one making that decision without a proper discussion. I would be upset too.

How was the mortgage? If you have equal equity then it doesn't seem fair that he pays more of the mortgage as ultimately you would benefit.

However as you have a child together it should be joint family money with a common goal however you appear to be 2 people, living in a shared house, raising a child

However I don't think you can work part time IF your partner doesn't agree.

Oh good grief! - what a blessed palaver having tio divi up every little thing! This is supposed to be a partnership/a family unit all pulling to gether. We opened a joint account as soon as we married and everything went in and out from there with no quibbling by either party.
What has happened to marriage!?

Fair enough

Bill him for the 20 extra hours childcare you're doing a week. How much is your time worth? £20 an hour? So £400 . Multiplied by 4 weeks so £1,600 a month
Now you're on £1000 + £1600. =£2,600
He's on £3,000 - £1,400 so = £1,600.
And he obviously believes in you paying an equal share of the bills so he can't argue he shouldn't.

My household would look like this:

£4000 - Income
-£1700 bills

£2300 remaining split 50:50.

(we include transport, car maintenance, food, kids clothes, house maintenance, saving, hol saving, family entertainment, everything in our bills category the 50:50 is personal spends only).

Income ‘disparities end when you are a family. Or should anyway.

P.S he shouldn’t be mucking in, he should be doing his fair share of child/housework.

So, you actually think it’s ok for one partner to say, “I don’t want to work full time so you’ll have to pay more to cover the bills… oh and here is my invoice for doing the childcare as well, so you’ll have to pay more of the bills and also pay me.”

You seriously think that’s fair?

People are acting like this man has told her she is not allowed to work but must also pay half the bills. What’s going on here?

She has chosen to work part time… all by herself, without discussing it. She has then told him that, due to her personal decision without his input, he must pay more into the bills. He didn’t get a choice, he certainly didn’t demand that she stay home. He is saying she should go back to work and they will split the childcare bill. How is he wrong?

This place sometimes; utterly bonkers.