Husband is financially controlling me

[ChattyChai]

I posted yesterday in AIBU and was advised to post on this board, so here goes.

My husband and I have 4 children, our eldest are 23 and our youngest is 12. We got married when I was 18 and he was 20, because that’s what our parents said had to happen, I got pregnant at 16. I know, I know - I don’t need criticism for that.

Since then, I really struggled for work until our youngest was 2. I was in and out of jobs, did open university courses and eventually qualified as a solicitor. For the last ten years I’ve worked up to be an associate, but it’s been slow going. I’ve faced a lot of outright sexism, knocked back because of the time I took out of work with our children for childcare and I’m only on £35k now.

ive recently got a new job in the NHS, because I just can’t stay in the law. The sexism, the lack of professionalism, the lack of progression, working myself to the bone to make money for other people.

My husband is earning 2-3 times what I do, depending on commissions and bonuses. We split finances as follows:

50% of each income into the joint account. This pays bills, the mortgage, my husband’s golf membership etc. he says the golf membership needs to come from the joint account as it allows him to “network”, but won’t allow childcare to come from this as it allows me to work, so it’s my responsibility. Anything left over gets split - 50% to joint savings, 50% to his personal savings.

20% into savings. 15% to joint savings, 5% to solo.

He uses his other 30% as spending money, a lot of mine goes to things like before and after school clubs to allow me to work full time, everything for our children like bus passes, school lunches, school trips. He doesn’t contribute at all.

Because of the school spending I’m regularly going into my savings and spending more than I bring in some months. I don’t have a huge pension, because I spent about five years out of work because childcare was unaffordable to me. Taking a step back, I can see just how uneven it is, but I also couldn’t afford anything on my own. I brought it up to him last night and he basically said that if I wanted to be financially independent I could start paying for everything myself and “get a real job”.

Now I’ve written to out, I just don’t know what to do next. I can advise clients all the time, but I’m absolutely sure I wouldn’t be able to afford it if he moved out and stopped paying his share.

Do you think the police would take it seriously? It just feels like I’m being a bit silly - yes it’s unequal but he earns a lot and I can’t imagine the police would side with me

The police will absolutely take you seriously, domestic abuse is at the top of their list of priorities. You are not being silly, at all. The emotional, financial abuse you’re experiencing, and any other abuse you’ve not realised yet, can be more harmful than physical abuse, not minimising any violence at all, but they are well aware the psychological damage it causes is massive. The police are much better informed of these things in the last few years in particular.

The fact a religious man did this to you ...how did you manage to create 4 children together, was he always like this...?

Also the fact you called you a pig for buying food for the whole family just ruined even if I had the smallest good faith he could be just stingy....he is a horrible person and his values are not christian but of satan

sorry - he called you a pig

Just leave. I’m sorry but that’s the solution.

On your wage + help you’ll get for the younger two you’ll be able to make it work and you won’t have the ongoing stress that you have now.

He’s abusive and uses you to prop himself up. My cousin is a SAHM and the same is happening: she doesn’t see a penny, does all the work, isn’t even allowed petty cash for a damn coffee. I’d much rather struggle on my own (I also had mine at 16 btw, you’ve done amazing!).

Also, by reporting to the police, it’s possible he could be arrested so the police can safeguard you with bail conditions like not staying at the home, not to contact you etc, they would probably also put you in touch with an IDVA (independent domestic violence adviser)

It is a huge step though, and ultimately only a decision you can take.

Might also be an idea to delete all emails from MN associated with this thread in case he’s secretly monitoring your emails, possibly not but abusive partners are capable of anything.

Hello Hun

I don't have the time to read all responses so may be repeating what other's have said.

Firstly I'd like to congratulate you on your success in your career. Well done you!

You know that you are being financially abused. His golf club coming from your joint account, but not the childcare? That's ridiculous! If he really, seriously needs to play golf for his job his employer can pay for it as a reasonable allowable business expense in the same way that people can claim meals for clients etc.

£35K is a reasonable income - depending where you live of course. But I live in Cornwall where houses are very expensive & people generally work in hospitality for NMW. An Executive Officer (manager) in DWP gets £32K.

I'm not one to say LTB, but, you know that your being abused & it's time to take control of your life. If you left him he would have to pay maintenance for your children. You may not be able to stay in the house where you are at present, may need to seriously down-size, but surely that's better than what you have ATM?

I wonder if there are cultural influences here? Maybe you could talk to senior members of your family. Likely they will be keen to keep you both together, but possibly there's a father or an uncle who you can talk to about this.

Why the fuck should his golf be paid from joint but childcare is your expense. Cheeky twat! Is he trying to punish you for working or something because any normal husband would not act like that.

You are definitely being abused. And he has managed to twist the narrative so that you couldn't see it- gaslighting. I'm happy you see it for what it is and that you are an intelligent brave woman. You will be better off without him but get all those ducks in a row before you "hand him your notice". He's a despicable twat.

The police absolutely will take financial abuse very seriously - it’s a form of domestic abuse. He’s using finances to control your actions and choices, and that’s a criminal offence. The police can investigate but they will need evidence from you when you report it so make sure you have as much as possible - bank statements, emails and texts and anything that can link to the accounts in his sole name into which he’s siphoning off his ‘leftovers’. Then you report via 101or your local police station - if you think you may be in danger as a result they can offer support to stay safe.

There’s a link below to an organisation that can help.

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/getting-support/how-the-police-can-help/

I can't quite see how it would be a police matter, but I sure hope karma is real because that guy is the world's biggest arsehole. Hope you can get away from him and leave him to his bizarre world view.

I think you need to consider moving to a smaller property and force a sale on your house. This way of living is not really conducive to any sort of satisfactory life.otherwise it's more of the same for the rest of your life. Unless a few threats will force him to hand money over. But even then would you want to stay with somebody who has that attitude.

Are you a police officer or have knowledge in criminal law? If not please don’t post unhelpful stuff like this.
Whether it’s a police matter or not is down for the police alone to find out, OP doesn’t even need to be certain it’s a criminal matter to report it.

It most definitely is a police matter, it’s financial abuse, which is part of domestic abuse. Her DH is using finances to control her actions and choices - among other things he makes her pay all of the childcare saying that it’s her responsibility because it allows her to work, even though her salary contributes to household expenses. She needs bank statements, evidence of his actions in controlling what she spends, and evidence of the money he clearly believes is his to do with as he pleases, being siphoned off into his own accounts. Financial abuse is a criminal offence.

Precisely, OP mentioned he gets angry when she goes out of budget. I’m willing to bet there’s more stuff going on and OPs life is controlled by not making her husband angry and walking on eggshells around him.

I don’t jump to LTB easily either, but in this case I can’t see an option - he’s clearly abusive and controlling, and just as clearly doesn’t want OP to work. OP says both sets of parents are ultra religious and when she became pregnant their only option was to marry - so you can bet your bippy they won’t care what’s going on within the marriage as long as they stay together. I can’t see any prospect of meaningful family support - I think I’d take the nuclear option and get my ducks in a row and go for divorce. From what OP says, he clearly doesn’t care about her, or their children for that matter, and treats them with contempt. If he won’t be fair as a partner, he’s going to have to take the law’s idea of fairness as an ex.

Do you think he is planing on leaving you as soon as the youngest child moves out? He treats you with contempt and resents having to provide anything towards you and the kids. Sounds like duty or a business arrangement to him, not a loving marriage/ family. If you think this is possible, you need to get in there first and divorce him.

Agree. I had the same impression. Some posters here are saying well just do this, just do that - empty the joint account, set up your own direct debits. Easy to say, not so easy to do when you’re in a relationship with a coercive and controlling partner, who clearly keeps count of every penny and even goes as far as to call her greedy if she goes over the grocery budget. As you say, he is probably controlling her in many more ways than she’s mentioned here.

What a hideous man.

OP
You are clearly incredibly capable and resilient. You trained as a solicitor after having a baby at 16! Bloody hell, I think you could probably do anything!

You 100% could make it work. I'm here cheering you on 🎊🍀🥳

I never claimed any expertise whatsoever. I'll post what I want.

@ItsameLuigi I think it’s best not to state you should be entitled to this that or the other simply because for all we know they could have reasonably significant equity if she sells or savings- and she may be entitled to bugger all but have money in the bank

Still pay into the joint account for mortgage, bills and food etc but AFTER you have deducted what you pay out for the children. Please make sure they know this is coming from you at some point. Its not right but sounds like you won't get far asking for him to pay out, so look after yourself first.

Even if it’s inaccurate and harmful to the OP ?

They’re married. It’s a 50/50 split of marital assets. The only question is what constitutes a marital asset.

I’m really glad you are starting to see how unreasonable and disrespectful he has been. You may not feel it (🙂!) but you are still young and have lots of time to advance in your career. You are obviously intelligent and have been held back by someone who is not supportive.

Your senior partner sounds great and I think the advice is good. You have all the right connections to get a divorce which really works for you. Surely the grounds would be unreasonable behaviour. I’m no solicitor but he sounds highly unreasonable. Time to get out and start living for YOU! You can definitely do it- what you have achieved under those conditions is laudable. Keep going. And don’t give him any inkling. That’s important. Good Luck and Keep Posting. You will get good moral and practical support here.