Husband is financially controlling me

[ChattyChai]

I posted yesterday in AIBU and was advised to post on this board, so here goes.

My husband and I have 4 children, our eldest are 23 and our youngest is 12. We got married when I was 18 and he was 20, because that’s what our parents said had to happen, I got pregnant at 16. I know, I know - I don’t need criticism for that.

Since then, I really struggled for work until our youngest was 2. I was in and out of jobs, did open university courses and eventually qualified as a solicitor. For the last ten years I’ve worked up to be an associate, but it’s been slow going. I’ve faced a lot of outright sexism, knocked back because of the time I took out of work with our children for childcare and I’m only on £35k now.

ive recently got a new job in the NHS, because I just can’t stay in the law. The sexism, the lack of professionalism, the lack of progression, working myself to the bone to make money for other people.

My husband is earning 2-3 times what I do, depending on commissions and bonuses. We split finances as follows:

50% of each income into the joint account. This pays bills, the mortgage, my husband’s golf membership etc. he says the golf membership needs to come from the joint account as it allows him to “network”, but won’t allow childcare to come from this as it allows me to work, so it’s my responsibility. Anything left over gets split - 50% to joint savings, 50% to his personal savings.

20% into savings. 15% to joint savings, 5% to solo.

He uses his other 30% as spending money, a lot of mine goes to things like before and after school clubs to allow me to work full time, everything for our children like bus passes, school lunches, school trips. He doesn’t contribute at all.

Because of the school spending I’m regularly going into my savings and spending more than I bring in some months. I don’t have a huge pension, because I spent about five years out of work because childcare was unaffordable to me. Taking a step back, I can see just how uneven it is, but I also couldn’t afford anything on my own. I brought it up to him last night and he basically said that if I wanted to be financially independent I could start paying for everything myself and “get a real job”.

Now I’ve written to out, I just don’t know what to do next. I can advise clients all the time, but I’m absolutely sure I wouldn’t be able to afford it if he moved out and stopped paying his share.

Was he paying into a pension for you for the time you were looking after his children ? I’d bet the farm I know the answer to that. These are his kids too and it’s as though he sees them only as your responsibility. It also appears from some of his responses to you that he really doesn’t care much about you. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life - with a man who cares more about his bank balance than his wife and children. See a solicitor, get your ducks in a row and he can learn that if he doesn’t want to be fair as a partner, the law will force him to be fair as an ex.

A bit of a wild guess, but the way your husband puts down your career and expects you to take on all the childcare is very likely to have a very detrimental impact on your self-esteem and the way you look at your career and ability to progress. Being a solicitor is a huge achievement - especially with four children - and hopefully the NHS will afford some pathways to career progression. Practicalities such as career gaps and the availability of big jobs are important, but feeling positive and confident about yourself and your achievements must be very challenging when your husband is beyond unsupportive.

Just trying to work out his thought processes and it’s beyond me. He won’t allow childcare to come out of the joint account because it allows you to work full time. Yet he expects you to contribute 50/50 out of that full time salary. ?????!!!

To everyone asking about my pension - no he’s not paid into it. I’m on such a back foot compared to him and when you look at it, it’s terrifying. My head is spinning, it’s such a slap in the face to see it happen to you

Oh op, how incredibly brave of you.

With what you’ve said about him getting angry it does sound like coercive controlling behaviour, it’s maybe something you can have a read up on when you’ve had time to gather your thoughts and process everything a bit more, but please do speak to a charity.

I was reading a post on Reddit on the policeuk sub and there was a domestic abuse police officer on there questioning whether they were a victim of domestic abuse and feeling silly for not recognising it. I’m just mentioning this as victims really are unaware of what they’re going through. It’s not your fault, you are brilliant and brave, I really hope you are able to find happiness and healing.

I'm so glad the Partner you've just spoken with was so helpful and supportive.

Your husband, well, I think we all know he's an utter cunt.

I hope you take him to the cleaners.

I was just about to post this.
My mouth honestly fell open at this, op. I am shocked.

What a horrible fucking comment @SquallyShowersLater . Shameful,you must be a complete loser to think that comment was ok !

I just wanted to say, how glad I am to hear that you have now got some decent legal advice, together with some great career help. Start collating what is happening with your finances, document everything and keep it in the office so it is safe.

Well done for starting this journey, I really wish you every happiness.

Despite him putting you down, telling you could only be a cashier, financially abusing you, emotionally abusing you, potentially grooming you since the age of fourteen (you don't say enough to know either way, but I wouldn't be surprised) ... you've raised a family and trained and qualified in law in the face of him belittling, undermining, gaslighting (fucking golf money and not childcare) you.

You are fricking AWESOME.

You are clearly incredibly strong and intelligent. Use this, make a plan, take great care and get free.

Hey, I don't know much legally but I do know it WILL be okay. I left my children's dad after 6 years and a very up/down relationship that was impacting my MH- too much. When I left I had no job as just finished uni, I had 2 toddlers and I had no options realistically. We broke up and I had to leave the house. I did, went to my mum's. Well, a year later we ended up homeless due to my mum's MH. Took my kids, went to the council. Got emergency accommodation, temporary accommodation and a house within a few months of all this. So a year and a half after leaving, I had my own home in a nicer town for me and the kids. Now everything is positive for us (son has his ehcp, both kids thriving in school) and we are all happier including my ex and he's a good co parent. I'm aware this isn't gonna be the answer for everybody, but I promise as a loving parent you have to put your children first and show them this behaviour isn't ok. I wish my mum had. I know it's terrifying, but you WILL be okay. Everything will work out in the end no matter how much it feels like it's never gonna be okay again.

Women's aid are amazing for helping abused women. We had to use them during my childhood a few times for a a refuge. Universal credit can help with top ups if necessary, and you should (I think) be entitled to free school meals for the children. It will be a struggle at first but one day you'll be sat there, relaxing in your peaceful home thinking why didn't I do this sooner. Good luck. 🩷

This is not financial control OP it’s financial abuse.

Yeah, right? I'm shocked, too. I am foreign as well and with no support network here, my DH is a penny-pincher, too, but this behaviour described here is like on an entire different level. I would cancel his golf club membership the moment he cancelled my kids' clubs.
A big hug to you, OP, take him to the cleaners...

You know you get half his pension if you divorce right?

And half the house.

Take half the joint money into an account of your own, start divorce proceedings today. Consider changing the locks and getting a restraining order. Keep yourself safe. Equally don't put up with this shit anymore.

Restraining orders can only be granted by a criminal court after a conviction!
And op can’t just kick him out of a house he jointly owns. I’m sure she knows this but please don’t go giving advice that is incorrect and other people may believe!

When I read it back, I’m like “no shit, he’s abusive”. But he’s all I’ve ever known and I loved him once

I find this incomprehensible. Paying him back for the time you spent looking after HIS children?!! Putting the financial abuse aside, he is an extremely unpleasant person who I wouldn’t want to waste my life with. There has to be a way.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP and I’m glad you got some legal advice and the partner was helpful.

I guess we just think things are normal until we speak to others about it and then realise it really isn’t.

You really need to read the OP and updates again and then the posts from others who have experienced the same. You’re talking about a man who thinks his wife should pay for all childcare out of her salary because it allows her to work, completely disregarding that that salary is paying household bills. He cancels direct debits if she sets them up from the joint account, leaving her to pay herself - do you really think she can just sit down and make him see sense ? He’s not just financially controlling, he’s financially and emotionally abusive and, no it can’t be ‘worked through’ - you don’t negotiate with your abuser. You get your ducks in a row and you leave.

The house is jointly owned so OP can’t ask him to leave, and she can’t change the locks. A restraining order can only be issued after a criminal conviction, and pension rights are not automatic - it’s a specialist area. Please don’t post advice like this until you know what you’re talking about.

Your husband is taking you for granted because he knows you are very capable and a doer. You have raise the kids, qualify as solicitor, change career etc.
Tell him very clearly that a marriage is a partnership not one going out money every week. He is taking the piss.
I would make a spread sheet with all the house and kids expenses and divide it in proportion of the earning. If he earns the double, he pays the double. If not all the money to the same pot and he and you can have an allowance for treats, hobbies etc.

Glad to hear it’s once and not still, that’s another step in the right direction. I think you’ve totally got this, the fact you were able to prove to everyone you wouldn’t be the stereotypical teen mum speaks volumes about you. I’ve also done that and don’t think you’ve been allowed to acknowledge or even realise it yet, when you do, you’ll be so proud of yourself.

A non molestation order can be obtained through a civil or family court-breaking that is then a criminal offence & a restraining order can be applied for. It might be a good step to ensure he doesn’t hassle you. His world is about to collapse.

@ChattyChai

Top advice to rescind your notice. But DON'T!! tell your husband.

Breaching a non molestation order is a criminal offence, but so is what he is already doing. Reporting to the police is a gigantic leap though and OP may not want to go there, it’s not nice reliving everything but also realising things for the first time.