Has anyone successfully recovered from infidelity with couple’s therapy?

[TreadingTrepidatious]

Infidelity was discovered within my marriage last night, and we have an appointment with a marriage counselor on the 24th (which feels like forever away!). Just wondering if it’s helped anyone to get their marriage back to a good place, and if you’d be willing to talk about the process. Thanks in advance

I think the OP is massively argumentative. That much, we can say.

A person can feel love for and still lie to and cheat on a partner. They can love their partner for who they are, what they do for them, how they look, how they coparent their children, and any other things you could love a person for, and still behave selfishly sometimes. They could want the best for them, and almost always put them first… but just not do that once, twice, however many times they choose to indulge in infidelity. They can want to spend the rest of their time on earth building a life with their spouse, but still desire a relationship with another person, for whatever reason they have. They can feel guilt for the betrayal of their loved one and still not be able to stop themselves from having an affair. These things can exist in a person’s mind congruently.Many cheaters can also accept the consequences of their actions.

The argument that several people here are making is circular in nature: those who truly love their spouse don’t hurt them, and those who hurt their spouse don’t love them. But that’s simply not true. Committing infidelity against someone you genuinely love is equally as possible (and probably as common) as falling out of love with a partner and remaining together faithful to them.

I am a woman married to a man.

I wouldn’t have to “mangle my sentences” and “contort my syntax” if Mumsnetters weren’t the way they are, where they’re horrible to you no matter if you’re the victim or the perpetrator in the situation. Of course you would try to turn my attempt at avoiding this into something to attack.

They can feel guilt for the betrayal of their loved one and still not be able to stop themselves from having an affair.

OP, I'm sorry, but this is just laughable. Of course they can stop themselves. That is an indisputable fact. They choose not to because they don't want to.
The other things you believe don't make much logical sense either, but I understand you need to believe such nonsense either in order to stay married to a cheater or in order to excuse cheating yourself, whichever it is, though I do suspect it is the former. Best of luck to you living with those rationalizations.

I read this more as the wife desperate to believe the cheater loves her. I've seen it before. I find the OP not saying which it is quite manipulative. S/he is setting up a situation where we don't have the information needed to provide helpful advice, which gives him/her an opening to argue with the advice given if s/he doesn't like it. I find it goady AF.

Just because someone has the option not to cheat doesn’t necessarily mean they have willpower to avoid it. They can have a little voice in their head screaming that this is wrong and that the consequences are going to be awful and not worth it, but the voice saying “I need this. Do it” might be louder. That applies to any situation where a person behaves in a way they know is morally wrong or harmful to themselves, even.

Like a person could be 600 lbs and just survived a heart attack, and know that if they don’t stop eating the way they do they will die. But usually people in that situation have a lot more things going on with them than just a weight problem, and they’re going to have moments where they stuff their face with junk food until they address their other issues, and that often takes a long time and a lot of work, and they are weak…Obviously in a situation where one partner is not having their needs met and is facing temptation to cheat, the morally correct and most beneficial response is to seek couple’s counseling in order to get those needs met rather than betray their partner, but one option is immediate and much easier, and sometimes they chose incorrectly.

It’s not black and white like you are making it out to be.

Similar with my best friend and 20 years later they are happy although he caught her just as she was about to cheat and they worked through that. I'd say basically they are still together becaue they have been together since they were very young, been through alot and financially they wouldn't have the same lifestyle. It suits them to stay together and they are good friends as well as husband and wife. I will say I don't think you actually really forget and get over it. You may be able to move past it though.

I think if it takes alot of willpower not to cheat, then the relationship is doomed. Making a mistake and regretting it is one thing, what you're describing is almost addict behaviour

The problem is that such feelings are not facts. You can believe somebody loves you and feel that you are loved for all your life and it still won't ever be a fact that h/she loves you. The only way to demonstrate love in a way that can come close to establishing it as a fact is through actions, not by stating feelings, especially if they don't match the actions.
In short, anybody can say they love you, but you'd be a fool to believe it if the person's actions are unloving on that kind of scale.

Are you writing a novel? Because nobody on the planet talks like this - ever. Your passive, non-committal, fence sitting is infuriating at best by your failing attempt to sound erudite or philosophical. Give it up.

Whether or not to exercise one's willpower is a choice. You can choose to ignore your better instincts and go with your baser ones or you can choose the opposite.

Your analogy is a false comparison. The morbidly obese person in your scenario has an eating disorder, which is a mental health issue. Nor is that person hurting others, h/she is engaging in self harm.
Does the cheater have a mental health issue that affects impulse control? Bipolar mania is the one that comes to mind. If not, then s/he is completely responsible for his/her choices and could have stopped.

The fact that humans (unless they are in the grip of a mental health disorder or are under force/coercion) have free will over their decisions is indeed black and white. There is no grey there. I don't expect you to accept this reality.

"That is certainly not to say that cheating is a demonstration of love, or that it is loving behavior. But what I am saying is that loving someone and cheating are not mutually exclusive."

Have you heard the saying Love is a verb?

What's the point of love, really, if love looks and behaves exactly like the worst kind of betrayal.

No. Choosing not to cheat is a choice. They made that choice.

for me trust can never be restored. I couldn't carry on, I'd have to leave.

People “cannot stop themselves” having and affair and everyone on Mn is “horrible”?
Op you are either contorting yourself to justify the fact that your husband shagged someone else or you yourself have strayed. I suspect the latter. In either case, claiming that people cannot stop themselves is like saying “it just happened”. Which is a massive crock of shit. An affair is a series of massively selfish choices and shitty, hurtful ones at that. By having an affair you prioritise you own wants and needs over those of someone you have promised to protect, you know it will hurt them, but you do it anyway. Never mind the effects on any dc involved. Selfish, entitled and destructive behaviours. Whoever did this, they need to own those facts if there is to be ANY chance of recovery,

Let's go to counselling = get out of jail free card

I wouldn't bother staying unless you have very small children and need a second pair of hands around the house, or need his money.

You wouldn’t say that if you saw what we’re going through in order to move forward.

👀wow, whoever is married to you is going to need a lot of help.....you're nuts!

Counselling can’t work miracles!

Are you implying that literally the only thing that constitutes love is not cheating on someone ? Like if I met someone and committed to exclusivity to them that day, as long as I haven’t gotten intimate with anyone else, I can call that love?

God your marriage counsellor is going to be so rich…

Can counselling work for infidelity? I believe so, but you Both have to be completely on board. In my case, my ex wasn't going to take accountability for absolutely anything or make any changes to his life, so it was never going to be successful. However, our therapist was also very clear that she could also help us split up "healthily". However, my ex was also not on board about that. But, as I accepted later, he was abusive so counselling would never work.
Good luck.

There is a line in relationships, you crossed it, all the deflection in the world won't change this, so many excuses.
It's hard to believe that you are a real human reading your replies.

Of course that's not what she means and you know it. You're just being argumentative for the sake of it. I pity the therapist who has to listen to your excuses and nit-picking arguments. I predict that process will produce negligible results at best, because you cannot seem to listen to reason or accept reality. Affairs are about rejecting what is real and living in a fantasy world and the same applies to the excuses people make for them.

No, like I don't think the only thing that constitutes a decent dinner is the absence of shte. But everyone agrees the presence of shte makes for a bad meal