Has anyone successfully recovered from infidelity with couple’s therapy?

[TreadingTrepidatious]

Infidelity was discovered within my marriage last night, and we have an appointment with a marriage counselor on the 24th (which feels like forever away!). Just wondering if it’s helped anyone to get their marriage back to a good place, and if you’d be willing to talk about the process. Thanks in advance

I think @Girlmom35 ’s post is brilliant and so true about what is necessary from the cheater in order for trust to be rebuilt to the point of having a genuinely good marriage/relationship again.

I was cheated on by my now ex-husband. In my case that was the thing that more than anything else opened my eyes to the fact that I was in an abusive marriage (weirdly even more than the time he punched me in the face and I put my hand through a piece of glass and cut an artery and a nerve in my hand - I will say that there was little physical abuse other than that one incident, it was more emotional/psychological/financial abuse). And I ultimately divorced him over the abuse, not the infidelity (though I was far from happy with it obviously!). I agree with others that while on paper and before this happened to me I’d also have said I’d never put up with infidelity (or abuse!) it feels different when you’re in the situation and facing the reality of uprooting not only your own life completely, but also any children you have. And although with abuse I would say that although hard, walking away is always the right decision, I don’t necessarily think that about infidelity.

My personal situation is (hopefully!) not directly comparable with a non-abusive marriage/relationship where infidelity alone is the main issue, though I would actually argue that in many ways cheating on your spouse/long term partner is absolutely a form of emotional and psychological abuse and can leave long lasting consequences.

However I do have some experience of trying (and failing!) to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. And in doing that I came across this resource, which runs along Christian principles (I am Christian) but in my opinion is absolutely applicable for all marriages/long term relationships. The book His needs her needs by this author is amazing and gives concrete actions to take in rebuilding things. The chat forum is so helpful too. And although as a Christian resource it is absolutely aimed at healing marriages rather than breaking them up ideally, it is realistic about when to call time on it if things are ultimately unfixable. It’s aiming at having a full and satisfying marriage in every sense rather than making compromises. And it ultimately helped me to realise not only that my husband was not willing or able to do what he needed to in order to rebuild things, but that the marriage was abusive and that I needed to divorce. I do feel that if a couple are genuinely prepared to throw themselves into the process this book and website recommend, that it is possible to truly in time heal and recover from an affair to the point of having a great marriage. But it’s very hard work for both parties and I believe the cheater in particular often simply does not have what it takes.

www.marriagebuilders.com

I've intentionally not read the comments here as I can find them triggering but as I know mn can be very black and white I thought my experience might be valuable.
My DH had an affair just over a year ago. It was hands down the worst experience of my life.
But we are doing well now. Our previous marriage is gone, and it did me no good to try and pick up the pieces and try and claw back the life I had. But I'm glad I stayed, the new relationship we are building is making me happy.
We didn't start couples counselling until a few months ago, but I was already in individual therapy and that was valuable.
We read a lot - dr kathy nickerson is brilliant if you intend to repair, and Esther perrell.
Somewhere in the middle of the early days I decided I needed to take control of my life and asked him to leave. I'm so glad I did that. I didn't feel strong at the time but I know I was. I started to think for the first time in years about what I wanted. That had the dual effect of giving his head a wobble. I was fortunate enough to see evidence of how that played out with his ap. She thought him leaving was the start of their new relationship but it did the opposite and he shut her out. He fully ended things with her and asked to come home a few days later, I said not yet but we could date. Meanwhile she was declaring love and pushing him to be with her. He responded that he loved me - thank god I got to see that message thanks to her husband sending me the whole thread.
Since then he's moved home. He has been patient and loving and answered all my questions. He's respected my boundaries and continues to take full accountability and work on himself. Couples counselling wouldn't have helped us early on - they have to work either the betrayer to reduce their shame in order to develop more open communication and that stung a bit, even months later.
It is very very hard work to recover and it's hard to give advice without knowing which side you're on . It can be done but it'll never be the same

May this type of ‘love’ never find me…

I wish women had higher standards for themselves.

I would have said the same thing before. I hope you never find yourself in this situation too.

Unkind and uncalled for. @Allthegoodonesareg0ne has done nothing wrong, and you might find such a superior attitude comes back to bite you.

I just think it’s completely ridiculous how people manage to convince themselves someone who betrayed and disrespected them so horrendously actually loves them. I hate how there is a whole
industry profiting off desperate people who want to believe things can be ‘fixed’ and ‘repaired’, with books written by cheater apologists and marriage counsellors who cash in.
it prolongs the pain, and is a fear based decision. I would not ever find myself in that situation because I would never ever stay with anyone who cheated on me.
It may seem ‘unkind’ to call it out, but the lie that is things can be ‘better than ever before’ is the real unkindness.

So did I.

Until you've been there you actually don't know.
The thing I've found most difficult is people with similar views as you.
Sneering down their nose that I must have low self esteem or standards....I know my own worth, and believe me it's high.

I hope you never find yourself in this situation.

Absolutely. Mine did 2 years later. As for counselling....she was totally taken in by his fake humble little boy act, so a waste of time and money.

Readers on here spotted his issues and covert narcissism well before the trained therapist did.

I agree.

Before you do anything, read Chumplady’s blog.

You acknowledge that pp is in pain, yet you think sneering at her is helpful? It isn’t. And yes, you might one day find yourself in that situation and actually you don’t know what you’d do. I’m sure you think you do but many, many people say they’d leave immediately but when faced with the actual reality, simply don’t. It’s a bit like being the leader of the opposition. It’s extremely easy to criticise others and say what you’d do…..until you actually have to do it.

How do you know I haven’t?

A waste of time and too soon anyway. You’ll never trust him again, and almost certainly with good reason.

Same

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, how awful for you. I don't think you can really judge how successful therapy will be from anecdotal evidence. I imagine it's a very personal experience and will all depend on how you as a couple can move forward and forgive/forget. What some people can cast aside you might not be able to and vice versa.

Good luck!

Based on our current conversations, I don’t think our counseling will be like that at all. I am truly sorry if that was your experience with it.

There is not really a way back. Why did you cheat? Why did they cheat? Just because you:they could (so will happen again) or something fundamentally wrong in the relationship (again can this be fixed!).

The trust will be gone now, without trust there can be no real relationship. Better to part as friends as best you can

“You do not hurt the people you love” is your definition of love, and you wouldn’t feel loved if someone hurt you. That doesn’t speak to other people’s definition or internal experience of love. Of course no one deserves to be cheated on or hurt.

So what is your definition? If someone has cheated on you don’t let them gaslight you with this.

I could be someone who still feels loved by my spouse after being cheated on. MNers are always so assumptive and believe themselves to be so correct about those assumptions. It’s always amazing to me.

The twisty gaslighting way you talk and are behaving - not telling people that you are the cheater, and then posing your secrecy as all MNers being hysterical - tells me that you are the cheater. You're just here to practice your gaslighting and DARVO arguments before subjecting your betrayed spouse and the marriage counsellor to them. You're creepy.

I legitimately came here just to listen to other people’s experience with counseling after infidelity without indicating which partner in my marriage is the cheater. I’m sorry you can’t handle not knowing, but that’s not gaslighting or DARVO. Sounds like you’re working through some stuff too.

The relationship can be repaired with work, agreeing to move forward.

Holding onto the hurt won't work, if it gets to the point where you feel angry and cannot forgive, then breaking up is the best option.

My friends husband cheated, their marriage was sex less, stressful, both unhappy, they're in a good place now, active sex life, don't know how long they'll last.

I'm not sure if I could forgive DH. 😕 especially if it was an affair over a ONS.

Don’t bother with therapy. Spend the money on decent lawyers and counselling for the children (if you have any). I’ve never known a marriage be happier after infidelity but people like to kid themselves.

It definitely feels like you are trying to avoid people voicing opinions while also asking them to share perspectives. You can’t control what people share. You can provide information, get lots of input, and sift through what’s useful. This contrived post is only frustrating to the reader and makes it really difficult to offer anything of substance.