As I believe I’ve spoken about before, there are “justifications” for a behaviour, which carries a moral connotation (“my action was morally correct because…”) and there are “reasons” for a behaviour, which is morally neutral (“I did this because…”)
In my situation, the betrayer isn’t justifying the affair; the betrayed wanted to know the reasons for the betrayer’s actions, and they were given. The betrayer has made sure to remind the betrayed that these actions will never be justifiable, and that the affair was not the betrayer’s fault whatsoever, which are easy… beliefs? Interpretations? to fall into, as we have found out. Neither of us believe that cheating is okay.
In general, if we consider Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, “needs” are not simply “if I don’t have these things I will die,” but also “if I don’t have these things, I cannot be content or well.” The latter definition extends beyond the physical needs to include the psychological, emotional, and social needs as well. “Love and belonging” are actually not all the way at the top of the hierarchy, but rather in the middle, meaning that social needs are also quite important…Within the context of a relationship, I will continue to see the betrayer’s lack of feeling desired (frequency of sex was satisfactory) and lack of connection through deep conversations with the betrayed as unmet needs. I think it is quite dismissive to demote them to “wants.” Doing so also makes it easy to paint the affair as “the betrayer wanted to cheat and to hurt the betrayed for this cheap/unnecessary thing they were seeking,” rather than “the betrayer didn’t want to cheat or hurt the betrayed, but failed to make the morally correct decision to remain faithful when temptation arose, and that failure was heavily influenced by the betrayer’s unmet needs.” (Again, the latter neither removes responsibility nor agency from the betrayer while also acknowledging their internal conflict.)
With that being said, I believe it is a married person’s obligation to ensure one’s spouse’s needs needs are met to the best of their ability. A good partner will not only meet more basic needs, like safety and security, but also the higher needs, like feeling desired and connected to the other. These are important aspects of feeling loved, but it is possible to still love somebody and not meet those needs for them.
Since we are reconciling, both of us still need to meet each other’s needs, regardless of past actions. It would hinder us from moving forward towards recovery if the betrayed were to say to the betrayer “Well, you’ve gone and made me feel insecure; therefore I don’t have to put in the effort to meet your needs.” Rather, we are trying to rebuild the betrayer’s sense of security in addition to ensuring the betrayer feels desired and connected, in the way that they need. Obviously the former is much more difficult and time intensive than the latter, so I can see how that can be misinterpreted as one spouse’s needs superseding the other’s… The goal is not to leverage the betrayer’s sense of insecurity to get the betrayer’s needs met, but rather to remove the insecurity and to get both spouses’ needs met.