Has anyone successfully recovered from infidelity with couple’s therapy?

[TreadingTrepidatious]

Infidelity was discovered within my marriage last night, and we have an appointment with a marriage counselor on the 24th (which feels like forever away!). Just wondering if it’s helped anyone to get their marriage back to a good place, and if you’d be willing to talk about the process. Thanks in advance

@TreadingTrepidatious, I had an affair. Am now 5 years down the line, and me and my DH are still together. It has taken a huge amount of work, but I am happy we worked at it and are now in a much better place.

Few things that helped

1. Individual counselling to understand why I did what I did
2. Full responsibility. While there were many cracks in the marriage and events that led up to affair- it was my decision alone to betray, and I needed to take full responsibility for that
3. Accept it will be a long road. We felt closer almost immediately after (ie in first few months). I think because we were both determined to make it work. But it was actually about 6months after that was hardest… once you get back into everyday life.
4. I May get flamed for this- but you both need to work at it, and hard. Listen to each other and redefine what you both need out of marriage
5. Understand there will be triggers. Work out how to deal with them (together)
6. Trust takes a HUGE amount of time to rebuild

We were probably 3 years before things felt right again. I hope it is faster for you, but wanted to be honest.

I know it's been a month now but omg! infidelity discovered last night and here was OP arguing word salad semantics on the internet with a bunch of randoms! No shock, no hurt, not even crocodile tears... just a bland insistence of "keeping things neutral". Screams to me that they were very comfortable with the infidelity.

Maybe a woman as OP says - but I deeply suspect OP is male.

All that energy - long posts and flowcharts... way to convince women you are right.

Edit: I just went and read OP's posts again.. all that talk of moving forward when 'infidelity has just been discovered' no room to think, process, hurt, lick wounds. And OP - if you are really female... congratulations! you nailed mansplaining.

MN will.say there is no way back but you could try listening to some Ester Perel podcasts . She is a therapist and works with couples with all sorts of issues including infidelity and has what I would call a very empathetic takes for both parties .

My view is that a marriage can survive but I'd say it takes a lot of love, empathy and work from both parties , which I'm not sure is very often available on relationships where someone has cheated . Usually the cheating means at least one person has emotionally given up on the relationship already ( not always but usually)

To bring this back to your original question - yes, we had couples therapy after infidelity. Because we both wanted our marriage to survive. It was very uncomfortable for both of but gave us a safe space to say what needed to be said. What it does take is the betrayer to completely own the error, and the betrayed to completely forgive. Both of these are much harder than they sound but - given time - can work. Good luck with the therapy - whichever side of the coin you are.

This. OP's attitude is absolutely awful.

If you are the cheater I think you should forget about counselling. This post sounds so much like gaslighting. I would advise the partner to get out asap.

if you are the cheatee this post sounds like denial (a form of gaslighting yourself) and I advise you to get out of the relationship and seek individual counselling.

Good spot!

most bonkers thread ever.

Mine uses language like this and I'm really grateful for it.
She isn't mean. Just honest. You did a horrible thing and feeling bad is to be expected. Sit with it a bit and then figure out how to move on from it.
For me it makes perfect sense. If our kids hurt their sibling, we expect them to feel bad about it and learn from it. We can support them through those feelings but we don't necessarily want to tell them 'don't feel bad that you hurt your brother'.

Tell us you’re a man without telling us you’re a man!

The betrayer said “Going to this place with the children is incredibly stressful to me. I do not want to go.”

then...

I would have gone pretty much ANYWHERE else than where my spouse went on holiday. We’ve been discussing this for months, prior to the affair even happening.

Well, you managed over a month before slipping up, which to be fair, given the walls of convoluted posts you have made is quite impressive. You might have got better advice if you started with "I cheated on my spouse, I'm really sorry, do you think there is any chance we can reconcile if I try to understand the damage I have done?".

Is Infidelity was discovered within my marriage last night another way of saying i got caught?

Are you asking whether couples therapy will find a way to stop your infidelity, or find a way to let your partner accept it??

The betrayer said “Going to this place with the children is incredibly stressful to me. I do not want to go.” They betrayed heard that, decided to schedule the holiday, and took the children, without the betrayer, anyway

You absolutely fool. You have cheated. You need to show you recognise the enormous hurt you have caused and that you will make sacrifices and put your partner's needs above your own to help to start the healing. Going on that holiday would have been an easy win for you in that regard.
Instead you showed that you are still a whiny selfish man who will always put yourself first and never your partner.

All your posts show a fundamental failure to understand how human relationships work. You think you can 'logic' your way into making people see that you are right and their lifetime of experience, knowledge and feelings are wrong. You remind me very much of my autistic Ex. You don't understand people and you can't see when you are getting it wrong with people. You just keep arguing instead of repairing. He would have have thought that doing some cleaning meant I should no longer be upset with him too.

She says things like "you're supposed to feel like shit now, guilty and afraid"? Really?

And that even before she knows the situation surrounding the cheating? When all she knows that someone cheated and she hasn't yet asked any questions or got any further information about it?

Really?

When I read MN threads, I often picture the people or families involved and think about how everyone might be feeling. Really difficult in this case with the betrayer vs the betrayed malarkey making it difficult to follow what’s happened. It is a bit easier now. Many people assuming this op is male but I’m taking them at face value.

Originally I thought it was the DH who had the emotional affair. But this is what I’m now imagining: that the op is a woman who was ignored by their DH, who would sit silently during meals or car rides, maybe being emotionally unavailable, not so empathetic and did not particularly make any effort with sex or communication etc in the marriage (possibly autistic) and as a result the op as wife felt unloved or less loved. She tried suggesting counselling, but the DH said no. Then the op met someone else, found them attractive, started an emotional affair and wanted a full on affair but also to stay in the marriage.

All of that is believable. Men do that, why not women? Men say they love their wives as well as their mistresses, so why not women?

What lost me was the stuff about the flow chart, tattoos and war references as, like others, I could not follow that logic. It did seem that she was trying to justify why she thought her DH wouldn’t be that upset for her to have an affair. All of that seems quite a convoluted way of saying that the op is also not very empathetic (and also possibly autistic - who does a flowchart about needs not being met fgs) because apart from open marriages, a spouse is going to feel upset, hurt, angry and betrayed if their partner says they want to go get sex with someone else. Because it’s never just sex.

But also tells me not to be sexist because I would’ve assumed that only a man would make such an argument (I thought you wouldn’t mind), but why not a woman too?

I know very few cases where counselling has “healed” the marriage. I know quite a few couples who did stay together after infidelity and try to make it work, but couldn’t, and in nearly all cases it was because the cheated on cheated. Once that taboo has been broken it opens the door for the injured party to even the score.

@DrBlackbird I agree, I have zero opinion as to whether the OP is male or female (and I personally haven’t jumped to either conclusion), it really doesn’t matter. I’ve know borderline narcissistic thinking like this poster in women and nuanced empathic thinking in men.

What was always clear to me is that they are the cheat. They are parroting straight from the cheaters handbook.

Their betrayed will cotton on. They will quietly do their own research, they will seek their own support network and @TreadingTrepidatious will not find their needs met narrative works for long.

Not quite like that no, and obviously she has context and detail.
But she doesn't gloss over feelings of guilt and discomfort when they are appropriate.

Occam's Razor. This person Mansplains For England and made a flowchart. How many men who've been cheated on take the kids on holiday, leaving the wife at home in peace? He exudes "After we had kids my wife stopped making me the centre of the universe and I had to get attention from an affair".
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's probably a duck.

Not quite like that no

No, I thought not.

This isn't language that should be used by any therapist towards a person, even if they're not sitting in therapy at that moment, and without any details. There are other ways to communicate the seriousness of what's going on. Either that person isn’t a therapist (are there any laws and regulations about who can advertise themselves as a therapist or counsellor?) or they're not one who should be practising. The purpose of couples therapy isn't supposed to be to get revenge or tear down one person, even if they did commit a terrible betrayal and the marriage can't survive it. Would we trust an eating disorder therapist who said, "Don't eat that or you'll be a fat pig" and thought it was OK because they weren't having an actual therapy session at the moment?

If OP is a cheating husband, and it sounds like he is, I think it'll be up to his wife what happens if he's sure he wants to stay. If they both want to stay together then they will, although some people don't really want to stay together, they just don't want to split up.

Hi :) I haven't read the full thread but I've read most of your replies and I am clueless as to why people don't understand the things you are saying. I think they've reacted negatively to your use of language, but there's a lot of assumptions being made and I agree, as you wanted perspectives on the how successful counselling may be in your circumstances, there was no need to state who is who in this scenario. You definitely would have got the classic LTB or "You're a shit" - which you are anyway, as many are assuming that you are the woman, and it is you who has almost been unfaithful. It might be the other way around, it doesn't matter. It takes TWO people to make a marriage and it's ludicrous to suggest that if you aren't getting what you need in that relationship, that if you find someone who offers you the emotional and/or physical (sexual - I'd say the two are most likely intrinsically linked, they certainly are for me), then it is going to be hard at some stage, not to want to put yourself first and act upon it. If you are lost and unhappy in your marriage, not getting what you want or need from your partner - and maybe not able to give them what they want or need, as it's a vicious circle - well then at some point - somethings got to give.

Love is not simply "if you love someone, you don't hurt them", as seems to be repeated so often on this thread - that's bull. It's not that straightforward. I have read the first two pages of your replies and I completely agree with the things you are saying. I honestly don't get why people are giving you such a hard time. You aren't here for judgement, but for objective advice about counselling, not about your marriage. I'm glad you and your spouse are working on things and finding a new understanding. Moving forward you may well be a stronger unit with this approach and understanding, and I wish you both well x

@TreadingTrepidatious "I’m neither reading nor responding to the rest of what you wrote."

Can you please stop reading and responding to MN full stop, please, Mr The Betrayer™. You're beyond tedious.

Of course it's true. You don't cheat full stop if you love someone, even if you have relationship problems cheating just causes more.

You are either practicing your gaslighting or have been gaslight by your partner already into believing all the garbage you’re spouting.

@melonmango70, if you read the full thread OP reveals that they are the cheater. All the evidence points to him being a man too. But you need to make up your own mind about whether a woman is likely to create a flowchart to justify her cheating..... or is that a very male thing to do?

All of that seems quite a convoluted way of saying that the op is also not very empathetic (and also possibly autistic - who does a flowchart about needs not being met fgs)

My autistic Ex was encouraged by the autism service to use logic flow charts to help him understand the consequences arising from actions available to him. Maybe OP has received support like this too.