This is potentially quite long but let’s see, want to give as much context and background as possible…
I’ve recently started seeing someone, it’s been a few months all is going well. I have one DS2 with no father involved. Been single since I was pregnant as obviously focused on my DS and wanted to make sure if I did start something in the future it was with somebody decent and have been very intolerant of any red flags or even any little thing. This is my first time dating since my DS. The person I’ve started seeing isn’t a stranger it’s someone I’ve known for a long time, 15+ years. Not a close friendship but think local area friends at one point but drift apart etc. He has been married for over a decade but going through divorce as his ex had an affair (actually two affairs but he forgave the first, second it was over). They live apart and properly separated just the legal stuff isn’t yet finalised but in process.
We see each other usually around once a week, sometimes a little more or less but that’s the average. I work full time and have my DS full time, he stays with his sister (on his dad’s side she’s in her 20s) one night a week. He has two DD, 5 and 4, he sees them every other weekend. He works away in the week most of the time and this has always been the case even when married, so now they have to split weekends. We have met each others children, not introduced as new partners and no kissing or pda of any kind around the children don’t want to confuse them. If we were strangers to each other then we wouldn’t have met each others children yet but we aren’t so no issue and they only see us as friends and enjoy playing together. I don’t see his children every time he has them maybe every other time so roughly once a month and usually only for one of the days. He has met mine more often just due to me having him full time.
Everything between him and ex seemed quite amicable until she found out I was on the scene. For context once he discovered affair she initiated divorce. Once she found out I was on the scene it has just been awful and chaotic and intense. She’s been begging him to take her back, stalking all my socials even down to LinkedIn and calling him to try and downplay my job etc etc. She has been making what is a new relationship just developing seem very intense and saying things to him like ‘our children have a new sibling you’re going to fall in love and marry her and she’s going to take all the money that’s coming to you from the divorce’. This is just constant all the time, emotional blackmail or manipulation into going on family days out or lunches all disguised as trying to keep things ‘normal’ for the children. Which I personally think will confuse them more but not up to me. And it’s also not done for that reason reading between the lines, it seems to be point scoring and any excuse to keep the lines of communication open. Even to the point of an anniversary lunch!
Now I’m quite a laidback person and I would really like them to be amicable enough to be able to do these things platonically and for the children going forwards but thqt just isn’t the case at the moment.
After the anniversary lunch I told him my feelings and explained that can’t be happening when we are trying to build something albeit in it’s early stages, he apologised and explained he’s trying to do the right thing for the children but feels like he keeps getting it wrong. The lunch ended with her begging him again and him declining. Then a whispered threat of ‘if we don’t get back together you can have the kids full time as I will no longer be here’ which is obviously awful.
The next thing is the kids aren’t allowed to be around me as I’m a ‘stranger’. I offered to meet her for a coffee but that was declined. He didn’t play by those rules as when they are with him he makes the decisions. As long as they are safe and looked after it’s not up to her.
Throughout all this she is not single and still seeing the man she cheated with! I don’t even think she is wants ex husband back it just seems to be a jealousy thing as he has never moved on or met someone new before.
The final thing has been last weekend we all camped out in my garden together, two bedroom tent kids in one us in the other. It was really hot so we thought it would be fun for them and also much cooler than indoors! She has found out and it’s ended in the eldest crying and saying she didn’t want to come here anyway and just wants daddy to come home. I feel this has come from her mum as they all had a blast on the day.
I just feel so awful for the children and I don’t know whqt to do?! On the one hand I don’t want to let her win and cause us to go separate ways just cause she’s making it so difficult but on the other hand I don’t want to contribute to the children being used to play games and getting upset, it’s not their fault.
I do also feel that he isn’t standing his ground and setting boundaries as much as he should be doing. It hasn’t been long enough for me to get involved and tell him what to do or navigate this for him. He is a good guy navigating a situation he never thought he would have to and he’s making a lot of mistakes. He seems to have done the least and gone along with her to try and keep the peace and it’s ended up not working at all. She is constantly calling and texting him. He feels totally overwhelmed/stressed/guilty and the rest. I personally think he needs to stand up for himself and be more assertive, set boundaries and limit communication unless it’s necessary about the children, at least until they get to a place where they can be amicable and co-parent together properly.
My issue is - I really like him, think we have a potential of a good future however that looks. We are very compatible and tick all each others boxes, get on very easily he’s very open and honest etc etc. but I feel this situation has made things intense for us very quickly and made us deal with things we shouldn’t really have to be worrying about just yet. If he doesn’t step up properly and deal with the situation with his ex is that a sign of things to come? Should I have some more patience? I know what I would do in his shoes and what I’d like him to do but it’s not my decision and it’s not for me to push my opinions on him or tell him what to do, it’s much too early for me to lay the law down so aggressively. But if I don’t is it going to end badly cause of her? Or cause of him not dealing with it effectively? I have sympathy and know these things are hard but it’s my life too…. Any advice?!