New relationship ex problems!!

[electronicpiccalilli]

This is potentially quite long but let’s see, want to give as much context and background as possible…

I’ve recently started seeing someone, it’s been a few months all is going well. I have one DS2 with no father involved. Been single since I was pregnant as obviously focused on my DS and wanted to make sure if I did start something in the future it was with somebody decent and have been very intolerant of any red flags or even any little thing. This is my first time dating since my DS. The person I’ve started seeing isn’t a stranger it’s someone I’ve known for a long time, 15+ years. Not a close friendship but think local area friends at one point but drift apart etc. He has been married for over a decade but going through divorce as his ex had an affair (actually two affairs but he forgave the first, second it was over). They live apart and properly separated just the legal stuff isn’t yet finalised but in process.

We see each other usually around once a week, sometimes a little more or less but that’s the average. I work full time and have my DS full time, he stays with his sister (on his dad’s side she’s in her 20s) one night a week. He has two DD, 5 and 4, he sees them every other weekend. He works away in the week most of the time and this has always been the case even when married, so now they have to split weekends. We have met each others children, not introduced as new partners and no kissing or pda of any kind around the children don’t want to confuse them. If we were strangers to each other then we wouldn’t have met each others children yet but we aren’t so no issue and they only see us as friends and enjoy playing together. I don’t see his children every time he has them maybe every other time so roughly once a month and usually only for one of the days. He has met mine more often just due to me having him full time.

Everything between him and ex seemed quite amicable until she found out I was on the scene. For context once he discovered affair she initiated divorce. Once she found out I was on the scene it has just been awful and chaotic and intense. She’s been begging him to take her back, stalking all my socials even down to LinkedIn and calling him to try and downplay my job etc etc. She has been making what is a new relationship just developing seem very intense and saying things to him like ‘our children have a new sibling you’re going to fall in love and marry her and she’s going to take all the money that’s coming to you from the divorce’. This is just constant all the time, emotional blackmail or manipulation into going on family days out or lunches all disguised as trying to keep things ‘normal’ for the children. Which I personally think will confuse them more but not up to me. And it’s also not done for that reason reading between the lines, it seems to be point scoring and any excuse to keep the lines of communication open. Even to the point of an anniversary lunch!

Now I’m quite a laidback person and I would really like them to be amicable enough to be able to do these things platonically and for the children going forwards but thqt just isn’t the case at the moment.

After the anniversary lunch I told him my feelings and explained that can’t be happening when we are trying to build something albeit in it’s early stages, he apologised and explained he’s trying to do the right thing for the children but feels like he keeps getting it wrong. The lunch ended with her begging him again and him declining. Then a whispered threat of ‘if we don’t get back together you can have the kids full time as I will no longer be here’ which is obviously awful.

The next thing is the kids aren’t allowed to be around me as I’m a ‘stranger’. I offered to meet her for a coffee but that was declined. He didn’t play by those rules as when they are with him he makes the decisions. As long as they are safe and looked after it’s not up to her.

Throughout all this she is not single and still seeing the man she cheated with! I don’t even think she is wants ex husband back it just seems to be a jealousy thing as he has never moved on or met someone new before.

The final thing has been last weekend we all camped out in my garden together, two bedroom tent kids in one us in the other. It was really hot so we thought it would be fun for them and also much cooler than indoors! She has found out and it’s ended in the eldest crying and saying she didn’t want to come here anyway and just wants daddy to come home. I feel this has come from her mum as they all had a blast on the day.

I just feel so awful for the children and I don’t know whqt to do?! On the one hand I don’t want to let her win and cause us to go separate ways just cause she’s making it so difficult but on the other hand I don’t want to contribute to the children being used to play games and getting upset, it’s not their fault.

I do also feel that he isn’t standing his ground and setting boundaries as much as he should be doing. It hasn’t been long enough for me to get involved and tell him what to do or navigate this for him. He is a good guy navigating a situation he never thought he would have to and he’s making a lot of mistakes. He seems to have done the least and gone along with her to try and keep the peace and it’s ended up not working at all. She is constantly calling and texting him. He feels totally overwhelmed/stressed/guilty and the rest. I personally think he needs to stand up for himself and be more assertive, set boundaries and limit communication unless it’s necessary about the children, at least until they get to a place where they can be amicable and co-parent together properly.

My issue is - I really like him, think we have a potential of a good future however that looks. We are very compatible and tick all each others boxes, get on very easily he’s very open and honest etc etc. but I feel this situation has made things intense for us very quickly and made us deal with things we shouldn’t really have to be worrying about just yet. If he doesn’t step up properly and deal with the situation with his ex is that a sign of things to come? Should I have some more patience? I know what I would do in his shoes and what I’d like him to do but it’s not my decision and it’s not for me to push my opinions on him or tell him what to do, it’s much too early for me to lay the law down so aggressively. But if I don’t is it going to end badly cause of her? Or cause of him not dealing with it effectively? I have sympathy and know these things are hard but it’s my life too…. Any advice?!

I really sympathise with what you're going through...I've been in the same situation and I have had to walk away. A break may help but I had that and it didn't.
The problem is that in the end the child becomes a pawn amongst the parents and the parent with empathy (in my case my partner) couldn't risk the effect it was all having on the child, so the situation actually escalated, to a point where I had no option...he would cancel our time because she would 'demand' it, he would cut short a night away because she demanded it. Any time we had she would ensure he would have to do the school run etc..in 18 months we never had one night or one full day together without interruptions..then there's the constant texts ...he tried to just placate, he couldn't/wouldn't stand up to her and so things just went down hill...
There were family days...family holidays..he'd buy her flowers..they'd do each other shopping and all int he name of co-parenting...
I hope he can see and does what's needed but I fear when a child is involved they understandably come first, which means he will try and limit the damage to them by being submissive to her...it's tough, really tough...
In my case he fully supported her (she's an insta influencer..living on a 'ranch' in the Cotswolds.) When we tried for the second time I said to not tell her about me...I felt it important to not rush to blend..meet children etc..a year minimum etc...and all was good..until he felt she should know...and then chaos....

Would be interesting to hear the wife's version of this story.

I had an almost identical situation with my now-husband’s ex. He needs to put his foot down, make contact with her more formal and ignore her calls and texts unless they are specifically about co-parenting. He needs to tell her firmly but politely that they aren’t getting back together and that she needs to concentrate on getting her life how she wants it, with the kids at the centre for both of them. And if it doesn’t work, there’s the police route for harassment and the court route re contact and arrangements re the kids. It settled down in my relationship after a while - it’s about the ex feeling a lack of self-worth because the man who doted on her is moving on. It’ll be hard for her to cope with, even if it’s her own doing. So my advice to you is stick with it if he’s worth it, but maybe create hard boundaries in your own mind of “if x happens I’ll walk away”. Good luck, and I hope it comes right for you both in the end.

Not it absolutely wouldn’t , I came out of an abusive relationship and my ex wife made up horrendous lies about me out of spite. I can see similar traits here.

His ex is a cf, didn't want him but doesn't want him to have anyone else. She needs reminding who cheated and your bf needs to get boundaries in place a.s.a.p.
Good luck for the future.

Run.

In a new relationship, it’s meant to be fun, but you are being used as a shoulder to cry on. I don’t think he is ready for a new relationship, he's still emotionally tied to her and on the rebound. His focus needs to be on his children, he only split from his wife last year, the children are still reeling and want him home.
His ex can make life very difficult, not letting him have access and turn the kids against him. He is trying to appease her, he doesn’t want to anger her, incase he loses his kids. Let them fight it out and remove yourself from the tail end of their marriage.

Choose peace OP! You won’t get it if you continue the relationship.

Take a big step back. When he has his kids every other weekend that should be time he devotes to them, not bringing you and your son into it. You guys sharing a bedroom when camping wasn’t appropriate if you’re meant to be just friends in the eyes of the kids. Stick to seeing him on his weekend he doesn’t have the kids, yes it means you won’t see a lot of him but guess that’s something you accept already as he works away. If it was my ex i’d be quite annoyed that he couldn’t just see his kids alone when he has limited time with them, he has to bring along his new gf and her child. I get you want to see him as he is away a lot, but it’s too soon for this. Hopefully with a big step back, things will settle a bit.

Wow. Yes, OP, lots of negative responses.

I suspect his ex has always been manipulative and abusive, but maybe he’s never really realised it? It would serve him well to learn about this and about how to manage it effectively for moving forwards. Grey rock, firm communication boundaries etc.. the decent people are the ones most susceptible to experiencing this, but that doesn’t mean that he can’t learn how to assert and manage it.

(Anniversary meal though?! WTF?! 😂)

Good luck, I hope it works out!

This sounds stressful and chaotic and he’s lucky that you are around at all to support him through any of it. But it’s not your place to. You haven’t been together long and it sounds like you and your child are getting caught up in the drama. It does all sound like you have a nice time together but it does sound quite soon - for the children - no matter how much they seem to have fun it is probably also confusing and hard for them too. Obviously made worse by their mother.
She sounds unreasonable and difficult but she is their Mum and she will pull rank every time by the sounds of it. This isn’t really anyone’s fault , divorce, blended families, new relationships are all really tough and delicate and the children should at this stage be the main priority.
I would give him some space to get some things sorted, maybe you should go back
to only dating each other, and leaving the children out of it for now. It sounds like you’re kind and like having them around but it’s not about you right now. If it’s meant to be with this guy you’ll find a way.
Also don’t get drawn into the drama she’s creating.

@electronicpiccalilli I completely sympathise with the situation you find yourself in. I have been both the child in this scenario and in the same position as yourself.

The facts are that it really doesn’t matter the rights and wrongs of their marriage, why it ended and whether her behaviour now is acceptable because it really doesn’t change anything, it just is what it is. What you have to ask yourself is, is all the drama and upset really worth it? No matter how promising things may be between you and him, this situation with an ex who will forever be in his life is disturbing your peace, and the further you venture into this relationship the more this will affect you and your own child….and that is when things will get really tough and eventually cause arguments between you and him. If I were you, I would think long and hard about whether you are prepared for you and your child to go through all that??

I don’t think this is about her wanting him back, I think it’s more likely that she’s struggling with the idea of another woman being in her children’s lives and sadly she may never ever be ok with this, she may very well always cause you drama, or maybe she eventually settles and things can become cordial over time, but there’s no way of knowing or predicting if this will ever happen. You could end up being at the mercy of her for years to come, appeasing her and avoiding conflict that will come anyway no matter what you do, and by the time you find yourself there it won’t to be as easy to walk away as it would be now. By then you will have blended, your children and his children may have grown attached etc and walking away will feel like not only blowing up your own life but theirs too.

If you really are seeing potential and he is on the same page, I would personally take a big step back and let him finalise his divorce and get his child contact arrangements set in stone and rubber stamped by a judge, this doesn’t eradicate the drama completely but it gives her a lot less to hold over him. For now if you want to continue seeing him do so separately, do not be around his children in any capacity and if you can avoid it I wouldn’t involve your child either, not until you know healthy boundaries can be drawn by him and the conflict from his ex isn’t likely to affect you or your child’s wellbeing, but most importantly I would be seriously advising that you have a good long hard think about whether this really is worth it.

Hi OP, I think you're handling it excellently. I would agree that you're rushing it had you not known him for a while already and I really don't think you're trying to control things hence you asking for others' advice. I do think though that you should take a break to see if he steps up. At the moment you are being a little too accommodating - so tell him how you feel absolutely, then step away and offer to meet up in a couple of weeks to find out what's happened. Then and only then, make a decision. Good luck x

I’m going to speak him later and only see him when he hasn’t got the kids, hopefully that will help with things settling down. I don’t mind not seeing him lots I like my life and routine it’s not an issue at all. The kids are getting caught in the middle and I don’t want them to be affected based on the behaviour that they’re having to witness and things they are being told.

I do see potential and don’t want to just call it off just yet. It will be a bit more difficult never having my son around as he doesn’t see his dad at all and I have one night off a week, usually when he is away working. I have a babysitter for tonight which should help!

I think all I can really do at this point is set some boundaries with him around the kids, and keep an eye on how he deals with it going forwards. If he isn’t willing to set firm boundaries with his ex and get everything finalised then there’s not much hope as the kids are only young and she will always be there. I hope that isn’t the case and he sorts things properly and is just struggling cause of guilt but only time will tell…

That all sounds sensible..Time really does help in situations. She's panicking because she knows she's screwed up and lost him. I'm sure she' s difficult because she has had affairs and is now jealous and causing trouble. But as time goes on she' ll probably move on ..And rhe kids will get older amd it won't be such an issue..And if you keep the kids out of it for now she can't start using them as an excuse to manipulate rhe situation.

Yeah it really does feel like she’s panicking. Having the kids didn’t seem like an issue as when we started meeting up it was on a friendly basis doing stuff with the kids, but obviously now it’s progressed and she knows…she’s saying things to the little ones that are making them cry and say they don’t to come to mine and it breaks my heart that anyone would do that to their kids to score points so I have to take myself and them out of the equation for now I don’t want to contribute to being an excuse for her to do that to them.

I will mention things like a parenting app and reporting the threats and gage that reaction too. I’m a really laidback person and he will never ever be able to settle down with anyone again if this is going to be constant. Which I suspect is what she thinks she wants, at least right now.

I will update when I’ve spoke to him later tonight, this is only going to be our second proper date with life being so busy too!

I wasted 15 years of myblife on a relationship where the ex wife who was a serial cheat made it her purpose in life to make my life difficult as if I was OW which I wasnt Cut ties NOW it wont get easier

And for your own sake and your safety too. If she is capable of threatening suicide that's quite serious and also using kids to manipulate. You dont know what she's capable of so it's best to distance yourself a bit and let him sort it out. She's clearly also very deceitful if she's had 2 affairs. He should really put up strong clear boundaries too for his own mental and physical wellbeing. He must let her know she was the one who broke trust and that can never be repaired. I think with a dodgy person like that you have to be very very clear..

Nope, fuck that, next.

And meeting each others kids and having sleep overs after a few months is bananas.

I'm with my boyfriend 4 years, hasn't met my kids and they are 16, 18 and 18.

We had a good chat last night. I’m going to stay away whilst he has the kids going forwards until some more time has passed and things have settled down. We went out for drinks and to listen to music and this morning he was told not to bother going for them cause there’s a photo of us on my social media. He went anyway and she wasn’t able to cause a scene as she had company. He explained he hasn’t been pushing as he just feels so guilty for the girls but understands that it’s going to effectively end what is going with us if he doesn’t take back control. This morning was a good first step. So time will tell now I suppose. Thanks all of you for your advice. We had a really lovely time together last night, after we spoke we agreed we can’t keep talking about it all the time cause it’s causing issues and overshadowing everything else.

Her behaviour is bad but the thing with divorce is that you have even less influence over your ex’s behaviour. She is panicking because she’s losing control so I predict that the behaviour will escalate when you inevitably want to blend again (Christmas?)

You moved really fast with this relationship- the kids should have met much further down the line (more like 12 months) and you should have been honest about the relationship status rather than pretend to be friends. The ex will have almost certainly told the kids that you’re a couple and the news is best from the calmer parent.

The kids not meeting for a few months should give you some temporary peace. Is she blocked on your social media so she can’t see your photos or does she have a mutual who is sending screenshots? I’d be reconsidering your SM postings anbout your bf and kids and consider keeping them to a much smaller audience to reduce her chance of seeing them.

We initially were friends and meeting up with the kids so since they had already met it didn’t seem like a big deal. But that has obviously been made worse by whatever she has told them. I don’t have her on any socials but I think she can see them on his, I could block her though actually then she won’t be able to see anything. It’s the only time anything has been posted and she obviously doesn’t like it, but that’s not really my problem she isn’t controlling my life.

He really needs to get a formal court agreement for access arrangements. She is going to try to control and manipulate his access to the children otherwise. He needs to get advice on his rights and to gain awareness about controlling behaviour.

"We went out for drinks and to listen to music and this morning he was told not to bother going for them cause there’s a photo of us on my social media. He went anyway and she wasn’t able to cause a scene as she had company."

Now you're just stirring putting that photo up on your SM the night before he goes to get his kids.

He's in a high conflict separation. He's already had his kids meet and sleepover with a GF of a few months. The kids are stressing. You may blame it on the mom but their stress is coming from both he and his ex and you pot stirring. Then you post pics of you out, I'm starting to think you enjoy the drama and that was a deliberate windup on your part.

Yeah I did mention this to him last night, said he should just go straight to court, get himself a solicitor and sort it another way as she’s now saying she isn’t going to sign the divorce papers.