New relationship ex problems!!

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This is potentially quite long but let’s see, want to give as much context and background as possible…

I’ve recently started seeing someone, it’s been a few months all is going well. I have one DS2 with no father involved. Been single since I was pregnant as obviously focused on my DS and wanted to make sure if I did start something in the future it was with somebody decent and have been very intolerant of any red flags or even any little thing. This is my first time dating since my DS. The person I’ve started seeing isn’t a stranger it’s someone I’ve known for a long time, 15+ years. Not a close friendship but think local area friends at one point but drift apart etc. He has been married for over a decade but going through divorce as his ex had an affair (actually two affairs but he forgave the first, second it was over). They live apart and properly separated just the legal stuff isn’t yet finalised but in process.

We see each other usually around once a week, sometimes a little more or less but that’s the average. I work full time and have my DS full time, he stays with his sister (on his dad’s side she’s in her 20s) one night a week. He has two DD, 5 and 4, he sees them every other weekend. He works away in the week most of the time and this has always been the case even when married, so now they have to split weekends. We have met each others children, not introduced as new partners and no kissing or pda of any kind around the children don’t want to confuse them. If we were strangers to each other then we wouldn’t have met each others children yet but we aren’t so no issue and they only see us as friends and enjoy playing together. I don’t see his children every time he has them maybe every other time so roughly once a month and usually only for one of the days. He has met mine more often just due to me having him full time.

Everything between him and ex seemed quite amicable until she found out I was on the scene. For context once he discovered affair she initiated divorce. Once she found out I was on the scene it has just been awful and chaotic and intense. She’s been begging him to take her back, stalking all my socials even down to LinkedIn and calling him to try and downplay my job etc etc. She has been making what is a new relationship just developing seem very intense and saying things to him like ‘our children have a new sibling you’re going to fall in love and marry her and she’s going to take all the money that’s coming to you from the divorce’. This is just constant all the time, emotional blackmail or manipulation into going on family days out or lunches all disguised as trying to keep things ‘normal’ for the children. Which I personally think will confuse them more but not up to me. And it’s also not done for that reason reading between the lines, it seems to be point scoring and any excuse to keep the lines of communication open. Even to the point of an anniversary lunch!

Now I’m quite a laidback person and I would really like them to be amicable enough to be able to do these things platonically and for the children going forwards but thqt just isn’t the case at the moment.

After the anniversary lunch I told him my feelings and explained that can’t be happening when we are trying to build something albeit in it’s early stages, he apologised and explained he’s trying to do the right thing for the children but feels like he keeps getting it wrong. The lunch ended with her begging him again and him declining. Then a whispered threat of ‘if we don’t get back together you can have the kids full time as I will no longer be here’ which is obviously awful.

The next thing is the kids aren’t allowed to be around me as I’m a ‘stranger’. I offered to meet her for a coffee but that was declined. He didn’t play by those rules as when they are with him he makes the decisions. As long as they are safe and looked after it’s not up to her.

Throughout all this she is not single and still seeing the man she cheated with! I don’t even think she is wants ex husband back it just seems to be a jealousy thing as he has never moved on or met someone new before.

The final thing has been last weekend we all camped out in my garden together, two bedroom tent kids in one us in the other. It was really hot so we thought it would be fun for them and also much cooler than indoors! She has found out and it’s ended in the eldest crying and saying she didn’t want to come here anyway and just wants daddy to come home. I feel this has come from her mum as they all had a blast on the day.

I just feel so awful for the children and I don’t know whqt to do?! On the one hand I don’t want to let her win and cause us to go separate ways just cause she’s making it so difficult but on the other hand I don’t want to contribute to the children being used to play games and getting upset, it’s not their fault.

I do also feel that he isn’t standing his ground and setting boundaries as much as he should be doing. It hasn’t been long enough for me to get involved and tell him what to do or navigate this for him. He is a good guy navigating a situation he never thought he would have to and he’s making a lot of mistakes. He seems to have done the least and gone along with her to try and keep the peace and it’s ended up not working at all. She is constantly calling and texting him. He feels totally overwhelmed/stressed/guilty and the rest. I personally think he needs to stand up for himself and be more assertive, set boundaries and limit communication unless it’s necessary about the children, at least until they get to a place where they can be amicable and co-parent together properly.

My issue is - I really like him, think we have a potential of a good future however that looks. We are very compatible and tick all each others boxes, get on very easily he’s very open and honest etc etc. but I feel this situation has made things intense for us very quickly and made us deal with things we shouldn’t really have to be worrying about just yet. If he doesn’t step up properly and deal with the situation with his ex is that a sign of things to come? Should I have some more patience? I know what I would do in his shoes and what I’d like him to do but it’s not my decision and it’s not for me to push my opinions on him or tell him what to do, it’s much too early for me to lay the law down so aggressively. But if I don’t is it going to end badly cause of her? Or cause of him not dealing with it effectively? I have sympathy and know these things are hard but it’s my life too…. Any advice?!

Yeah then he'll have to get tough and only interact about the kids. If she's had two affairs I'm sure she'll eventually find someone else and get bored with your boyfriend. The other scenario is that she'll get more and more stalky, in which case he really will have to pull back from her. Threstening suicide is quite unhinged. You need to be csreful

I'm sorry but I agree that with very young children who have seen their family split up, this is too much too soon. The child might not want to go to your house; she's a small child with a lot of challenges and changes in her life.
However you have a boyfriend issue. He needs to sort out his ex. She can't dictate who sees his children. She can't dictate access. The fact that he seems unwilling to stand up to her behaviour would be a no from me.

You’re introduced the kids and tried merging things way too soon.

He is still in the early stages of separation and isn’t even divorced.

You need to take a step back and just continue to date him when children aren’t around.

I understand you like this man but you’ve rushed into this way too quickly. Slow it down.

This woman is not your business and nobody on here is going to focus on her.

He should be stepping back from the relationship with you while he resolves the conflict, tension and clearly the guilt he feels towards her. Whether or not there is a spark left or he still cares or whatever - you just need to have your boundaries.

It's clearly adding fuel to the fire and I wouldl say inappropriate that he involved his children in a sleepover with you. Playing families a few months in with REALLY young children who are going to find it confusing.

The woman is freaking out - it's not even that strange - their marriage just ended they have young children it can't have gone wrong that long ago

You need to pull back and tell him no more mixing with the kids - if he only has them part time he shouldn't be bringing them to yours after a few months.

If it's 'right' you can be patient while he untangles himself properly.

"He hasn’t done anything wrong and it’s all anyone has focused on. That we are in the wrong and we just have to deal with this horrible behaviour. "

"Surely he is entitled to move on? "

Entitled. This is a man with 2 young children who isn't even divorced yet. You have only been dating a few months.

If his ex is so problematic, then he should be putting the stability of his kids as his first priority. Instead, he's dating you, introduced his kids far too soon, and is having sleepovers. Come. On. Now.

He absolutely does have to deal with her behaviour. He's still married to her and they have young children. And they are crying after he has them sleepover at yours. His kids are being negatively affected by his behaviour too.

You want people to say fight for your man and put that evil ex in her place. Well, there's little kids at stake here and he's not even your man. Sometimes you have to do the right thing for the benefit of the most vulnerable, which is the kids here.

Why can't you take a break and tell him to get his life in order? Get that divorce. Make sure his kids have some stability rather than both parents having new insta partners. Get custody squared away and establish post divorce routines. Give it a year.

I’m happy to take a step back when he has them - I don’t see them all the time anyway the camping out was the biggest thing we have done but yes I think they just need to spend time together. They only get upset after mum tells them they shouldn’t have come. I feel for them, they’ve being used as emotional weapons by her in their ear and I don’t want to make that any worse. We just met up at a museum or a park or something previously to the camping out, there’s been no integration of home life or anything other than friends meeting up.

They separated last year - this is the first time he has dated anyone new in around 15 years and for me about 3 years. We aren’t in any rush, everything was fine until she found out about me. I will leave him with it for a bit and slow it down, we are going out tomorrow evening (no kids) so I will talk to him then.

”There’s been no integration of home life or anything other than friends meeting up.”

But that’s not true. You had a family camp out. Putting the kids together when you’ve only been seeing this guy for a few months it’s huge.

He is still very much in the thick of leaving his marriage and dealing with the stressful situations that come with new co parenting.

You really need to go back to just dating and not even think about having the kids involved for a year plus.

Take a look over at the step parenting board and you will understand the negative responses.. at the very least I’d take a break but you are on a hiding to nothing here. She’s always going to be there .. he won’t stand up to her or set boundaries so she will make your life difficult and by default your child’s. He will turn into a Disney dad for fear his children being alienated and your child will have to deal with the fallout from that when they invariably move in. It’s like a play pod .. post after post of the same thing .. just a few years further down the road than you. You can do better .. so can your child ..

Sorry but I'm not familiar with some terms. Is a ' Disney dad ' a dad who just takes the kids out for fun times but never deals with the difficult stuff ?

I would do that with friends and their kids though? The way we’ve done it is more like play dates not introducing a new relationship. I’m going to take a step back with it anyway as it seems to be baiting their mum and in turn affecting them so I will talk to him tomorrow when I see him

Yes she is always going to be there but I was hoping when she gets over the fact that he is seeing someone new then things will calm down and hopefully in the future they can co-parent amicably.

it would be a real shame if it ended completely - I will take the majority of advice and take a step back where kids being around are involved, keep my eye on what he is doing in terms of setting boundaries etc and if it doesn’t get any better then it clearly is never going to.

His ex is a bunny boiler, she cannot dictate what he does with his children when they are with them. She’s a typical controlling ex, who thinks they are “her” children that she gets to do with what she wants. Wrong, they are as much his as hers, and they have joint parental responsibility. When with him, he is free to do anything reasonable with them he wants, and what you describe falls well within the bounds of reasonableness.

Speak to an experienced solicitor, they will be able to advise you on what steps your partner can take to assert his rights.

Ignore all the replies to say dump the man, if you’re finally happy with him, you can make it work.

I think perhaps your partner could do with a counsellor to talk through what he wants / how to manage his relationship with his ex.

He does also need a divorce lawyer if he's not already got one and ideally to get on with sorting out the financial bits of the divorce as quickly as practicable.

The ex making suicide threats - report to the police and if he knows who her GP is, write to them, every single time. That will almost certainly stop that behaviour.

Having been in a very similar position, in my experience it doesn’t get any better. 5 years in and she was still causing issues at every opportunity and saying the most awful things. He had to get a child arrangement order as she threatened contact frequently. That meant he secured his regular contact but it didn’t stop the constant harassment and attempts to break up our relationship. He was weak and didn’t stand up for himself unless I pushed him to.

We broke up recently for completely unrelated reasons and he’s gone straight back to being her little b and being manipulated by her. I think she’s stuck inside his head and it was always going to be a problem! Well rid of him and by default, her.

I would be telling him that you are stepping back until his divorce has gone through. That if he wants to come back to you once he's a single man, and has put firm boundaries in place with his ex-wife, then he's welcome. However, he needs to understand now, that you aren't having a relationship with a man, who allows his ex to dictate his life and trample over him. The choice is then his, and you've made your position clear. If he's not prepared to put boundaries in place, stand up for himself and your relationship, then it's not going to improve the further you go into the relationship, and will probably get worse.

He's not in a position to date yet really. He needs to land in his new single life, he needs to have the divorce completed and he needs to no longer have his ex wanting him back. It's far too messy for you and your child to get involved in, not to mention his poor kids.

This is also the reason why everyone is saying you have involved your children far too soon. You are now doubting this relationship because you have more information about his situation but the kids are now introduced and you have shared a bed with them in the same tent so they obviously know this is not just a friendship between the two of you. The fewer flings your kids are introduced to the better it is of course, and this one could have been avoided or at least put on hold until you knew what being in a relationship with him would be like.

This sounds like a shit show. Also in one of your replies you say you’re not even officially in a relationship…. Yet you’re having camping sleepovers with his kids!! Think how much change they’re experiencing, that’s a bit too much. Although that isn’t on you, HE should be thinking about this. I didn’t even meet my now DH’s kids for well over a year of dating, closer to 2 I think. And that was just a quick meeting.

You have repeatedly said ‘it’s not rushed’ because you’ve known each other years. That’s entirely irrelevant. Have they been separated years? Or have those children, very recently had to endure their mummy & daddy splitting up and now daddy has a new special friend? You should have both left those children out of this for many months more but you havnt, you’ve rushed it.

If you like him and think there is a chance of something developing - then stick around, she will make your life difficult, but over time she will lose all her power when the kids are older and can see what’s going on.
it might take time and it won’t be easy - but only you know if it’s worth it!

She only decided she wanted him back when she found out about me. She doesn’t actually want him back she has a new relationship, it seems to be a control/jealousy thing. The kids don’t know anything about us romantically, it’s all been platonic around them, like I said like play dates, I haven’t shared a bed with them, tent with separate bedrooms. I’m just a friend they see every few weeks. I’m saying it’s not rushed because we only see each other once a week. She has said that unless we are getting married I’m not to be near the children.

Reporting the suicide threats is a good idea I didn’t think of that.

They separated last year. Everything between me and him is great, the only issues are coming from her. She is saying things to the children about me and about him, I’m not going to see them for a while because I don’t want them to be affected by this. I’m going to speak to him when I see him tomorrow and set some boundaries. I’m hoping it settles down and if he continues to ignore the constant texts and phone calls she will get bored.

It’s just a shit situation, they broke up due to her infidelity, yet she is playing the victim and doing everything in her power to manipulate both him and the kids and I feel awful for them. I can’t control what she tells them to make them cry but I can control me taking a step back in the hope she won’t do that to them anymore.

After a few months, meeting up once a week that's maybe less than 20 times you've spent time together? As much as you like each other, he should be protecting you to some degree about all this drama. It's his circus, not yours. He must have friends or family to vent to rather than someone he's been seeing for a few months. It just puts a downer on your entire relationship from the start. Who has done what and said what in their marriage is for them to sort out themselves. Maybe he needs to arrange mediation if they can't communicate effectively. It's obvious you really like him. Maybe giving him the time and space for 6 months would be beneficial for you all. You are caught up in the tail end of a separation, let alone divorce. It's his issue to sort it all out. Whilst she had affairs, he chose to stay with her the first time. You only have his version of what went on for their entire marriage. If you are meant to be together, taking a step back for 6 months isn't going to be an issue. When things have calmed down you can consider blending your families. But I'd avoid that in any friendly capacity for now.

I’m 6 years deep here and my husbands Ex is still just as awful.

I went into the situation with an open mind and heart. I offered her to come and see my home where her child would be spending time, I gave her my number and said she could message at any time about anything and I was met with anger and hate.

The only reason it didn’t have a negative impact on my relationship with my husband is because he put his foot down, didn’t pander to her and unfortunately it has on occasions effected him seeing his child but he stands by the fact he shouldn’t have to bow down to her and ruin his current happy marriage.

But this isn’t true is it? You said you camped out in your garden in a two bedrooms rent - the kids in one pod and you and him in the other? So, they do know it’s a relationship - less than a year after their world imploded. Whilst I’m not on the side of the ex you as a couple are hardly innocent of causing confusion and possible damage to small children.

Yes we have only really managed a couple of dates where it’s just me and him, I obviously have my son full time and he has the girls every other weekend and works away in the week so there isn’t a huge amount of opportunity to see each other! He feels comfortable venting to me I think as we already knew each other, maybe it would be different if we didn’t? It really started as us going on play dates with the kids and sort of developed past a friendship from there.

Yes he is going to have to put his foot down eventually and if he doesn’t then there will struggle to be a future. Like you’ve all said none of this is my issue or my place or responsibility to get involved in or sort it out. But it’s ending up being the main topic of conversation and it always on my mind there seems to be something new every day. We are going out tomorrow evening just the two of us do I’m going to talk to him and we will see where we go from here.

Would be interesting to hear the wife's version of this story.