Husband has ADHD and it's breaking me.

[Donners]

Sorry if this isn't in the right place.

I've been with my husband for 11 years. In the last 3 years I have been really struggling with various symptoms of his ADHD. Though only in the last year have we realised he has it.
Prior to this I simply thought he was forgetful, lazy and selfish.
I am burnt out at the moment. Have been for a few months. There are some main issues:

1. Communication is a nightmare with what I've learnt are standard ADHD things - not listening/inattention, talking AT me about ridiculous things, almost discharging his entire brain at me and expecting me to be interested in often the most absurd or ridiculous topics, interrupting, changing the topic, assuming he knows what I'll say/think etc. it got so bad I stopped engaging, shut down. I felt so lonely and isolated being unable to share any of my thoughts feelings or opinions with him.

We spoke about it and agreed on me being able to say "I wasn't finished/you interrupted" etc. but often he's ruined the flow of my thoughts and what I was saying. So I often struggle to then go back to it.

2. chores. He behaves as though these are optional for him. Always has done. Can do one small thing and then feels he's done enough. I'm currently unwell, off work, infection, on antibiotics and feel dreadful. I sent a small list of things that needed doing (we have agreed I can do this because apparently he doesn't see when things need doing), 2 of those things I suggested our son could do. Husband did one thing (grocery shop, with list I sent) and I've just asked about the other things and he's kicked off.

"Hasn't sat down" apparently. Not true, sat for 90 mins with a beer, then another hour in-between taking our son to a club. These aren't enormous jobs, "pick up dog poo" "empty weekend bag" "put washing on"
Now I feel guilty for "nagging" him, but on the other hand I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to do those things, which would take about 25mins total, given they're things I'd have just done if I was well enough.
I'm a nasty b*h apparently, don't appreciate him (I make an effort to thank and praise him for everything, I think it's pathetic at this stage because I'm so fed up, but I have read those with ADHD need praise)
I feel like he has enormous expectations of me, but I can't expect anything of him because then I'm being nasty.
3) life admin/management. I do it all. If he demands the responsibility for something he often doesn't do it. I'll prompt, and get told he'll do it in a minute. He knows he'll forget. This can happen daily until I end up peed off. Then I'm the bad guy again.

He's always the victim. Takes absolutely no accountability for how his ADHD symptoms impact me.

This weekend we were with my parents. My mum said to me privately that she sees what I mean, I do everything and any tiny thing he does has to be arranged and led by me, with me then praising him after. Relentless questions all the time. Normal questions end up leaving me close to tears e.g "where are my shorts" but this will be before he's looked, taken any time to think about where they might be, and could be the 20th question that hour.

Any time we try to talk he is dismissive of my feelings, goes into defence mode, and plays victim. Well, he probably convinces himself he is the victim, because he cannot see how any of this impacts me.

It's just relentless. There is no escape, no break.

I had to go away for work recently, I was really struggling with my mental health before going - totally burnt out. Made this very clear. But i get no support, he claims he helps but literally the expectation on me is always the same. He did nothing to help before I left, when I returned home the house was disgusting. And when I mentioned it he said I wasn't appreciating what he had done. Which was go out canyoning with our son each evening - something he really enjoys, and one load of washing (his own clothes) in 5 days.

Coming home to a filthy house made me feel so unappreciated. We agreed that next time I can send a list of jobs to do. But I'll need to be mindful the list isn't too big - as in what I'd do - because he'll respond badly.

I feel like I have a fully grown toddler.

I just don't know what to do. I'm so burnt out, fed up and resentful. I'm so unhappy. I love him, he has some wonderful qualities, but these ADHD symptoms are destroying me.

We have spoken about therapy, but honestly, I don't think it's worth my energy. He'll lie (with the ADHD and him smoking cannabis and drinking each night - claims both help quieten down his thoughts, his memory is shot and he very often re writes what's happened, then accuses me of the doing the same), play the victim, say he takes accountability and understands but he won't. He's very good at saying. All talk and no action.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Has he been diagnosed? Or on a waiting list? He sounds awful OP, and I’m 98% sure I have ADHD too. Sure he might have difficulty with all the household stuff (boring stuff is really really really hard for the ADHD brain to get started on), but the way he treats you is unacceptable.

I think you have to go to ultimatums - you cannot be his support human and emotional punchbag. Either he gets help and support for his ADHD (that is not you) and he changes the way he treats you, or you leave. You cannot keep living like this.

I have a child with adhd who is now 24.

i think some of this is adhd and some is less so.

do you have kids? If so, how old?

my first suggestion if you can afford it as a family is to try to outsource stuff. Does your husband have a job? Is it reasonably well paid?

if so, consider getting a cleaner and/or gardener to do the chores. People with adhd do struggle to do them to what other people consider a reasonable time.

if there isn’t the money, then divide up the chores, preferably in such a way that if he doesn’t do stuff it only impacts on him. So for example, you do your washing he does his. So if he doesn’t do his washing he doesn’t have clothes.

assign him to clean rooms that you don’t use much (eg does he have a study?) while you prioritise kitchen and bathroom and accept the other rooms are just going to be messy.

personally I found kallax open Ikea storage helpful as my adhd young adult is happy to just stuff things in there and you can see what is in there.

He sounds awful op. My husband has adhd and I get pig sick of it… but he would never be nasty to me. He accepts that he needs lists and must do what’s on them and acknowledges how much I do and that he is difficult to live with! I think you need to separate the ADHD from the asshole.

Oh and by the way I have stopped doing any laundry or anything specifically for my husband. And I don’t go in his office or tidy it. It’s like a cess pit. We are going away on holiday tmrw and I’ve packed for me and the kids only. In an hour or so he’ll start going through his piles of dirty laundry thinking about what to pack. It used to drive me up the wall but I accept zero responsibility for him now and just focus on me and the kids stuff.

I only turn a blind eye to the office as he helps clean and tidy the rest of the house (needs specific lists of tasks and lots of reminding though… but never argues about what I ask him to do).. If he was treating the whole house as his own personal cess pit he’d be out.

I have a DP with an ADHD diagnosis and sometimes it is infuriating but one thing he is not is a prick. It can be hard for him to focus and get things done but he doesn't just want to leave me to it, he's not dismissive and he's not sitting with beer and pot instead of supporting.

In short: I think your DP is a selfish arse and that's quite aside from the diagnosis. Has he even got prescribed medication (instead of self medicating with substances?)

I have ADHD and struggle with a lot of these things. However, please note that I said "struggle", I do not behave like your husband! ADHD is an explanation for things but it is NOT an excuse. If he's shit at cleaning, he needs to arrange and pay for a cleaner once a week. If he's shit at remembering things, he needs to use the calendar/reminders on his phone. He needs to create systems that help him.

But most of all, he needs to take some fucking responsibility! He's an adult and he's absolutely taking the piss out of you.

There are so many books (that he can dip in and out of, not read the whole way through) and podcasts and TikToks and YouTube videos with a wealth of information, tips, tricks, systems, advice - he's got no excuse. Learning how to manage his ADHD so it doesn't impact on you should be his priority.

Honestly, just send him back to his mummy and daddy. Let them run around after him.

People like your baby of husband give the rest of us with ADHD a bad name!

Some of this may be his ADHD. However, the majority is his personality. He's a lazy arse with no respect. He's using it as an excuse. I have both autism and ADHD.

The weed and the alcohol aren't helping.

I can totally relate to a lot of this OP. My husband and I have started some therapy but it took a long time for him to accept that we might benefit from it. I found a therapist who specifically works with couples where one or both partners has ADHD and I honestly don’t think it would work with a normal therapist.
The victim mentality is the thing that I find hardest, someone or something else is always to blame. That said it is slowly getting better with therapy and I am also handling some things better and realising when it is a waste of my time trying to organise him.

He’s treating you like shit, op. No love or respect. I don’t know how or why you’ve put up with him for so long.

Thanks all.
No diagnosis, lots of talk about how he wants to do it, we have the GP surgery in the village, but he hasn't booked an appointment. He'll say that's because of his ADHD.

He's now saying I don't appreciate him, he's been up since 5.30, worked (minimum wage job, so can't afford cleaners etc) went grocery shopping after work. He then sat for 90mins, took son to club, sat for an hour, picked son up, boiled himself an egg and is now saying I'm out of order.

The things on the list would have taken 15 mins in total. But I'm the unreasonable one.

I know he works hard, and starts early. But he finishes at 3pm. He's not down a mine for 14 hours a day.
I struggle to see how a few small quick chores are unreasonable.

We agreed to split chores years ago. He has to have set chores otherwise he won't know what needs doing. His chores are load dishwasher, wipe boards, put washing away and take bins out.

Washing gets piled up to the ceiling before he takes it upstairs
So I'm often digging through laundry mountain to find my and sons undies etc.

Bins he does once a week. Kitchen Boards are often forgotten.

I've been unable to do anything since last week as I'm so unwell. I look around and see everything mounting up for me to do when I'm well again. I also work full time, from home thankfully, so I can fit jobs in around work during the day.

I just can't see a way through this.

He is adamant I'm absolutely in the wrong. Cannot see my side at all.

Calling you a nasty bitch is not an ADHD thing. It's an unreasonable and nasty thing.

Sounds very similar to my DP diagnosed with Bipolar. Sometimes they overlap and I had the thought before he could be suffering from AdHD.
we cut the pot years ago, then went to beers (not drunk though) and it’s a constant battle with addictive behaviour and a lot of what you are describing. It is really draining and sometimes gaslighting. Advice? I don’t know, once his case worker told me that if I had enough to remember I was free to leave.
It is generally a nice guy, never violent with me or DS. Never. But his personality and anxieties and thoughts can take over and make you feel nearly invisible.
Maybe try to cut yourself space and time outside of the relationship, with good friends that share interests or, for example my breathing space has been studying for my Masters. Not sure it helped the relationship, as I studied health psychology and now I can point out a lot more of behaviour and patterns he displays getting on his nerves 😂 But hey, in some ways it keeps me focused and grounded!

I have ADHD, diagnosed and on meds.
It makes life hard, no doubt. But I just try REALLY hard, day after day.

I don't get give in to it or use it as an excuse.

And no, it's not a "super power". 🤡

I'm a nasty b*h apparently, don't appreciate him (I make an effort to thank and praise him for everything, I think it's pathetic at this stage because I'm so fed up, but I have read those with ADHD need praise)
I feel like he has enormous expectations of me, but I can't expect anything of him because then I'm being nasty.

This is not because of ADHD.

He's always the victim. Takes absolutely no accountability for how his ADHD symptoms impact me.

This is not ADHD.

He'll lie (with the ADHD and him smoking cannabis and drinking each night - claims both help quieten down his thoughts, his memory is shot and he very often re writes what's happened, then accuses me of the doing the same),

Lies are not inevitable in ADHD.

OP, I dont know how he was diagnosed, or if he is self diagnosed. He may well have it. But the things above are not inevitable in ADHD. I have worked with a lot of people with ADHD who are conscientious and desperate not to negatively affect the people around them.

He may have ADHD. He may just be a lazy arse. It may be a combination of the two. He would not be the first man who excuses his despicable behaviour as ND.

Therapy might help. But you dont need it - he does. He needs to learn to manage his ADHD so he can be a fully adult partner in your relationship. Unfortunately there are a lot of men, ND and NT, who dont think that is necessary.

Edited to say men, not me.

Your chores are split in such a way that you both need to do them in a timely fashion for the household to work.

look at the split again.
split the washing by his/yours.
if your son is old enough teach him how to use the washing machine and give him an airer so he can also do his own. If he’s old enough to go canyoning he’s old enough to do his own washing.

He's an arse. And he doesn't even have a diagnosis! How do you even know he has ADHD?

@Donners

This is unsustainable. I was getting so stressed out just reading your first post.

Has he looked into medication?

It’s ultimatum time. The stress will destroy your health.

Quite. Having ADHD is not a free pass to being a complete dick.

It's difficult but if you BOTH want - you can achieve some piece in your life. It took me about 5 years . I would personally say s child with ADHD is faaaaar worse than an adult... (have husband and 6 years old with ADHD ).
The only one advice I can give- be super strict. It will help . Set up boundaries, set up new rules.

One of the most dysregulated clients I worked with (who really did have ADHD) was absolutely desperate not to impact his family negatively and went to great lengths to make sure he did what he was supposed to for them.

His problems are more likely to be that he is a stoner. And a nasty piece of shit.

I’m sorry but he’s using his adhd as an excuse. I have it and I run a successful business . Run a well kept home . Finances are in order . Is it a struggle. Yeh some days I really do find things incredibly hard . But I get on with it I write lists . I have coping strategies when I can’t focus etc etc. Whilst I understand how draining adhd can be I don’t believe that it makes you like this to this extent sorry x

Just read that he doesn’t have a diagnosis. I would have left my DH by now if he hadn’t agreed to be assessed! I agree with other posters that this is not all ADHD (and exactly why my husband and I are having therapy with an ADHD specialist, so we can pick apart what is ADHD and what is personality/dysfunction in our relationship.

I would have a think about how you can make sure that his actions only affect him and not you and your DS. For example, if he leaves junk lying around (anything, clothes, plates etc), put it in a box labelled "DH's crap".

Weed
Drink
Calling you a nasty bitch.

You can leave for all those reasons. Even if he has ADHD. Which I highly doubt.

Self diagnosed with a ready made excuse he uses to behave like a twat - cos you know.....ADHD

What a catch....