Husband has ADHD and it's breaking me.

[Donners]

Sorry if this isn't in the right place.

I've been with my husband for 11 years. In the last 3 years I have been really struggling with various symptoms of his ADHD. Though only in the last year have we realised he has it.
Prior to this I simply thought he was forgetful, lazy and selfish.
I am burnt out at the moment. Have been for a few months. There are some main issues:

1. Communication is a nightmare with what I've learnt are standard ADHD things - not listening/inattention, talking AT me about ridiculous things, almost discharging his entire brain at me and expecting me to be interested in often the most absurd or ridiculous topics, interrupting, changing the topic, assuming he knows what I'll say/think etc. it got so bad I stopped engaging, shut down. I felt so lonely and isolated being unable to share any of my thoughts feelings or opinions with him.

We spoke about it and agreed on me being able to say "I wasn't finished/you interrupted" etc. but often he's ruined the flow of my thoughts and what I was saying. So I often struggle to then go back to it.

2. chores. He behaves as though these are optional for him. Always has done. Can do one small thing and then feels he's done enough. I'm currently unwell, off work, infection, on antibiotics and feel dreadful. I sent a small list of things that needed doing (we have agreed I can do this because apparently he doesn't see when things need doing), 2 of those things I suggested our son could do. Husband did one thing (grocery shop, with list I sent) and I've just asked about the other things and he's kicked off.

"Hasn't sat down" apparently. Not true, sat for 90 mins with a beer, then another hour in-between taking our son to a club. These aren't enormous jobs, "pick up dog poo" "empty weekend bag" "put washing on"
Now I feel guilty for "nagging" him, but on the other hand I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to do those things, which would take about 25mins total, given they're things I'd have just done if I was well enough.
I'm a nasty b*h apparently, don't appreciate him (I make an effort to thank and praise him for everything, I think it's pathetic at this stage because I'm so fed up, but I have read those with ADHD need praise)
I feel like he has enormous expectations of me, but I can't expect anything of him because then I'm being nasty.
3) life admin/management. I do it all. If he demands the responsibility for something he often doesn't do it. I'll prompt, and get told he'll do it in a minute. He knows he'll forget. This can happen daily until I end up peed off. Then I'm the bad guy again.

He's always the victim. Takes absolutely no accountability for how his ADHD symptoms impact me.

This weekend we were with my parents. My mum said to me privately that she sees what I mean, I do everything and any tiny thing he does has to be arranged and led by me, with me then praising him after. Relentless questions all the time. Normal questions end up leaving me close to tears e.g "where are my shorts" but this will be before he's looked, taken any time to think about where they might be, and could be the 20th question that hour.

Any time we try to talk he is dismissive of my feelings, goes into defence mode, and plays victim. Well, he probably convinces himself he is the victim, because he cannot see how any of this impacts me.

It's just relentless. There is no escape, no break.

I had to go away for work recently, I was really struggling with my mental health before going - totally burnt out. Made this very clear. But i get no support, he claims he helps but literally the expectation on me is always the same. He did nothing to help before I left, when I returned home the house was disgusting. And when I mentioned it he said I wasn't appreciating what he had done. Which was go out canyoning with our son each evening - something he really enjoys, and one load of washing (his own clothes) in 5 days.

Coming home to a filthy house made me feel so unappreciated. We agreed that next time I can send a list of jobs to do. But I'll need to be mindful the list isn't too big - as in what I'd do - because he'll respond badly.

I feel like I have a fully grown toddler.

I just don't know what to do. I'm so burnt out, fed up and resentful. I'm so unhappy. I love him, he has some wonderful qualities, but these ADHD symptoms are destroying me.

We have spoken about therapy, but honestly, I don't think it's worth my energy. He'll lie (with the ADHD and him smoking cannabis and drinking each night - claims both help quieten down his thoughts, his memory is shot and he very often re writes what's happened, then accuses me of the doing the same), play the victim, say he takes accountability and understands but he won't. He's very good at saying. All talk and no action.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I requested an assessment at the beginning of June and yesterday I filled out the onboarding for my assessment and I am waiting for the appointment, the wait is about 12 weeks. Tell him to go to the GP and asks for an assessment through the NHS right to choose.

I'm like this, there are jobs to be done, my DH comes in and starts doing the washing because I didn't think to do it, things like that.

I have started putting post it notes up of what needs doing, just a few a day so as not to overwhelm and then take down the post it note when I have done it. I really do have to talk myself into doing it though

However, I don't think all of this is ADHD, ADHD does not make you call your wife a nasty bitch

ADHD is a red herring. DP has it, diagnosed as an adult so he hasn’t had a lifetime of finding coping mechanisms or anything. What he does have is basic decency, so he recognises that he has kids, responsibilities and the need to cope.

He does this by being teetotal – your husband really needs to quit the cannabis and alcohol! It might “quiet his thoughts” but it’s actually quietening the thought that says “it’s my turn to do the chore”. He takes medication and keeps on top of the prescription renewals and psychology reviews. He has alarms on his phone for regular chores – cleaning the dishwasher filter, etc – and together we’ve figured out visual solutions: wall calendars, meal plans, lists are all on big whiteboards. Not aesthetic but it helps! And he contributes to regular decluttering: less stuff really helps. He doesn’t do a full 50% of everything because he commutes and I WFH, he works FT and I’m PT, but it balances pretty evenly. And when he fucks up, he fixes it.

You know that you can leave him even if he does have ADHD? A husband that doesn't help around the house and drinks and smokes weed every day and doesn't even help his wife when she is poorly, is the sort of husband that most people would want to leave.

Don't let him guilt you into staying in this awful marriage.

Exactly.

ADHD or not he's making you unhappy and you need to leave. I suspect he's simply got lazy drunk stoner disease. Thoughtful people with ADHD seek help and want to improve. They don't insult their partner and refuse to even try.

ADHD or not he's making you unhappy and you need to leave. I suspect he's simply got lazy drunk stoner disease. Thoughtful people with ADHD seek help and want to improve. They don't insult their partner and refuse to even try.

He sounds like an abusive narcissist. Calling his ill wife a bitch? Because you're helping him gather a list of jobs that he should know, to get the home he loves in running smoothly?

The red flag is his reactions and how he speaks to you. Please LTB

I would not be with anyone that called me a nasty bitch.

It’s avoidance of being an adult firstly,
you can have adhd and own it and manage it

You simply cannot continue with this dynamic. It just doesn't work for you and is actually harming you. ADHD may as others have said be an explanation but it's no excuse, and he needs to take responsibility.

Making a GP appointment to discuss referral for assessment did take me a very long time. And yes it's completely illogical. But nothing will change for him until he does it. It's like dealing with addiction, it's got to come from him.

I think you should leave him. Your life will be easier.

Why do you even want to be with him? He’s horrible to you, he’s lazy, he smokes weed & drinks every night. He’s not even diagnosed with adhd, and even if he was it’s no excuse to behave the way he does. Your child doesn’t deserve to live in such an unhappy home.

Respectfully, I disagree. When you don’t get diagnosed until much later in life and have spent your whole life being told that you are doing things wrong, are lesser than others, a goof etc etc I think you end up putting barriers around your own ego and looking for other explanations as to why you can’t meet the expectations of others and yourself. It takes a while to unpick.

Hi Omggg it's like you read my mind I struggle with my husband too. On top I have my kids with it too. So I feel like I am toppled with loads of weight on me :(

Agree with that - the first step is to address the shame. I really recommend Dirty Laundry and Small Talk by Rich and Rox to help with that.

Doesn't ever justify calling one's life partner a b
That is being a dick

Again, by someone who is just waiting for their assessment, who has those feelings around being different and why can I not just do the thing etc.

I wasn’t justifying the name calling. I was specifically talking about the victim complex we were talking about

@Donners It is clear from what I have read, that something needs to give and it's not you. Putting ADHD aside, your partner is basically a man child, who is treating like a servant; expecting you to do everything for him.

If you carry on like this, you are going to have a breakdown and it's time to think about you and your child. I hate to say this but, you seriously need to consider separation but first talk this over with your mum or other relatives, siblings and friends, who you trust 100%

Do this sooner than later before it all gets too much for you.

I really wish you the best of luck ❤️

You say that until recently you didn’t know he had ADHD…but he has no diagnosis so how do you ‘know now’?

Also, you say that you didn’t know about the (undiagnosed) ADHD, you just thought he was ‘forgetful, lazy and selfish’. Yet you married him and stayed for 11 years? Why?? 🤦‍♀️

He may well have undiagnosed ADHD…but he is STILL ‘forgetful, lazy and selfish’. Even with a diagnosis, this won’t change! My daughter has ADHD and is the kindest, most thoughtful woman you could ever wish to meet…slightly scatty, yes, often forgetful, absolutely, but utterly delightful.

DO NOT let your awful husband gaslight you anymore, by blaming his vile behaviour on anything other than his vile personality.

If he thinks ADHD is the problem, he could take steps towards medication.

The fact that he hasn't done so means he loses the right to have it taken into consideration, which means he's just a standard lazy exploitative emotionally manipulative male.

Run, quick and far.
He can self identify with any ND he wishes, it does not really matter hete - the problem is not his hypothetical diagnosis but his behaviour, denial of a problem, unreliability and refusal to address it.

he's been up since 5.30, worked (minimum wage job, so can't afford cleaners etc) went grocery shopping after work. He then sat for 90mins, took son to club, sat for an hour, picked son up, boiled himself an egg [and is now saying I'm out of order]

You see, this does sound like ADHD. It's very much like Dh who we also suspect has ADHD. In his head, he has genuinely been on the go non stop since he woke up and so if I feel he should have done more, he gets annoyed.

But.... and this is absolutely crucial... .my DH is not a dick. So he might have a moment like this, in th emoment. But overall, he 100% can look at the list of tasks I have done vs the list of tasks he has done and accept responsibility for the fact that actually, I have done way more than him and he's now going to have to work "longer" to get his chores done. Years ago, I'd be sitting on the couch and he' dbe huffing and puffing while sorting laundry, but I would point out that I'd already done the shopping, cooking, tidying up after dinner and made sure DC were bathed and ready for bed, so I really wasn't goign to be too stressed about the fact that I was now relaxing while he was doing laundry. for example. He doesn't huff and puff any more. Just this week, he had some chores he was planning to do between his odd work shifts, and he didn't. So yes, he had to do them late that night. Not my problem.

Sometimes he'll say to me, " I don' tknow why I find this so hard" but that precipitates him putting real effort into planning and organising himself (and it IS an effort fo rhim) so that he can get more done. Last year, he was very upset becuase he planned a weekend of DIY and by the end of the sunday he'd barely done any. So he took a long hard look at how he was handling it, and now tries to plan a lot better.

youre saying he has ADHD like it’s fact but he doesn’t even have a diagnosis? And a lot of his behaviours are not ADHD behaviours but just him being horrible. Sounds like he’s found a convenient excuse to be a prick. It’s offensive to people who actually have ADHD and manage not to be emotionally abusive to blame all his behaviours on it like that

I wouldn't be married to someone like this whether they have ADHD or not. I don't have time for this.

Me too. God knows bringing up kids is hard enough.

I have ADHD and I admit at times my life can be chaotic especially without routine or structure. There have been days where I’ve been in such a paralysis mentally that I’ve struggled to do the basics, and my partner would take the lead. But this usually happens when I’m burnt out , and I’m much better at recognising the signs now and creating routine. Ultimately though, in the depths of my deepest adhd depression ( and relationship issues that I won’t go into now) I still did the basics in the house for the family to function. Uniforms were always washed and ready ,Dinner always made even if not he healthiest. My children were clean and looked after and loved and did what I could around the house to make it a liveable space. I have no doubt there are days where Ive been hard work for my partner but I’m never cruel or mean. Even if your DH has adhd I think he’s using it as an excuse for things. Also the idea that he needs praise? I mean sure praise is nice I suffer which massive rejection sensitivity so praise would cheer me right up but also I’m an adult and I can do things without praise constantly because well that’s life? He’s created a system and you are enabling it by giving in and pandering and that’s not helpful. As a partner of someone with ADHD you can be supportive, educate yourself on it and recognise when he might need help with certain things but ultimately it’s him with the disorder, he’s the one who has to make all the changes and not let adhd rule his life but rather live a life with adhd. Me and my partner are currently in couples therapy and the very first question she asked me was ‘ what do you think you are like to be in a relationship with’ and I was really taken aback at first and I answered with ‘ chaotic, abit wild and up in the air. But also safe, supported and loved’ - and partner agreed with this. ADHD will have its symptoms and they will impact your life but that doesn’t excuse him using drugs to self medicate, and treating you like a verbal punch bag for whatever reason. He needs to get diagnosed ( RTC pathway, took me 4 months) and medicated , because although not magic , the medication has completely changed my life and helped me with so many of my adhd symptoms.

good look op.