Husband has ADHD and it's breaking me.

[Donners]

Sorry if this isn't in the right place.

I've been with my husband for 11 years. In the last 3 years I have been really struggling with various symptoms of his ADHD. Though only in the last year have we realised he has it.
Prior to this I simply thought he was forgetful, lazy and selfish.
I am burnt out at the moment. Have been for a few months. There are some main issues:

1. Communication is a nightmare with what I've learnt are standard ADHD things - not listening/inattention, talking AT me about ridiculous things, almost discharging his entire brain at me and expecting me to be interested in often the most absurd or ridiculous topics, interrupting, changing the topic, assuming he knows what I'll say/think etc. it got so bad I stopped engaging, shut down. I felt so lonely and isolated being unable to share any of my thoughts feelings or opinions with him.

We spoke about it and agreed on me being able to say "I wasn't finished/you interrupted" etc. but often he's ruined the flow of my thoughts and what I was saying. So I often struggle to then go back to it.

2. chores. He behaves as though these are optional for him. Always has done. Can do one small thing and then feels he's done enough. I'm currently unwell, off work, infection, on antibiotics and feel dreadful. I sent a small list of things that needed doing (we have agreed I can do this because apparently he doesn't see when things need doing), 2 of those things I suggested our son could do. Husband did one thing (grocery shop, with list I sent) and I've just asked about the other things and he's kicked off.

"Hasn't sat down" apparently. Not true, sat for 90 mins with a beer, then another hour in-between taking our son to a club. These aren't enormous jobs, "pick up dog poo" "empty weekend bag" "put washing on"
Now I feel guilty for "nagging" him, but on the other hand I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to do those things, which would take about 25mins total, given they're things I'd have just done if I was well enough.
I'm a nasty b*h apparently, don't appreciate him (I make an effort to thank and praise him for everything, I think it's pathetic at this stage because I'm so fed up, but I have read those with ADHD need praise)
I feel like he has enormous expectations of me, but I can't expect anything of him because then I'm being nasty.
3) life admin/management. I do it all. If he demands the responsibility for something he often doesn't do it. I'll prompt, and get told he'll do it in a minute. He knows he'll forget. This can happen daily until I end up peed off. Then I'm the bad guy again.

He's always the victim. Takes absolutely no accountability for how his ADHD symptoms impact me.

This weekend we were with my parents. My mum said to me privately that she sees what I mean, I do everything and any tiny thing he does has to be arranged and led by me, with me then praising him after. Relentless questions all the time. Normal questions end up leaving me close to tears e.g "where are my shorts" but this will be before he's looked, taken any time to think about where they might be, and could be the 20th question that hour.

Any time we try to talk he is dismissive of my feelings, goes into defence mode, and plays victim. Well, he probably convinces himself he is the victim, because he cannot see how any of this impacts me.

It's just relentless. There is no escape, no break.

I had to go away for work recently, I was really struggling with my mental health before going - totally burnt out. Made this very clear. But i get no support, he claims he helps but literally the expectation on me is always the same. He did nothing to help before I left, when I returned home the house was disgusting. And when I mentioned it he said I wasn't appreciating what he had done. Which was go out canyoning with our son each evening - something he really enjoys, and one load of washing (his own clothes) in 5 days.

Coming home to a filthy house made me feel so unappreciated. We agreed that next time I can send a list of jobs to do. But I'll need to be mindful the list isn't too big - as in what I'd do - because he'll respond badly.

I feel like I have a fully grown toddler.

I just don't know what to do. I'm so burnt out, fed up and resentful. I'm so unhappy. I love him, he has some wonderful qualities, but these ADHD symptoms are destroying me.

We have spoken about therapy, but honestly, I don't think it's worth my energy. He'll lie (with the ADHD and him smoking cannabis and drinking each night - claims both help quieten down his thoughts, his memory is shot and he very often re writes what's happened, then accuses me of the doing the same), play the victim, say he takes accountability and understands but he won't. He's very good at saying. All talk and no action.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Sounds awful OP. Exactly like someone I line manage, who drives me to distraction at times - bending over backwards with so much ever-increasing support in place for him....and still somehow being the bad guy. Can't imagine it at home 😔

Yeah, I'd divorce him. No question.

My partner has ADHD and while I recognise some of the things you describe (subject changing, random thoughts popping into his head and interrupting with them etc) he's very considerate and more than pulls his weight with chores. He actually gets really focused on them and wants to get them finished. I pick up more of the life admin but if there's something he needs to do I'll let him know and he just does it. I know he finds things difficult sometimes but he makes a huge effort to overcome any challenges and be a good partner.

It sounds like a lot of what you're dealing with has more to do with selfishness/laziness coupled with the weed and booze. Nasty name calling is definitely not a result of having ADHD.

Having ADHD isn’t the same as being a prick. He may have ADHD but he is also a prick. They are separate.

why would you want to be married to him?

Self diagnosed- so basically an alcoholic drug taker using suspected adhd as an excuse to check out of life and responsibility. Abusive too.

no thanks. Aim higher. Put yourself and your son first. He’s checked out. Time you did the same. LTB.

He's a massive a*hole. Whether he has ADHD or not that doesn't change. Would you still put up with him if he didn't have it? It sounds like he is using it as an excuse for you to put up with his disrespectful behaviour.

And taking drugs when you have a kid in the house, nah. I don't care if it is cannabis, he would be out the door.

I don’t think your husband’s victim mentality has a whole lot to do with ADHD

This sounds way more like bipolar but also overlayed by him being a massive bellend. You don’t have to tolerate either.

With kindness OP, I have ADHD, and most of the behaviour you are describing is not ADHD, he’s just not a mature kind human being. The disorganisation, lack of follow through, not seeing what needs to be done, yes. Selfishness, nasty language, not being kind and loving is not ADHD, it’s his personality.

there is adhd in my family. They work hard, extra hard sometimes to get stuff done, they eventually realised it wasn’t enough and sought medication to help their life work better. I would leave your husband, who thinks he has a get out of jail free card and you can do everything. I think it would help your health to not be in a relationship with him.

ADHD is an explanation to the behaviour, not an excuse.
You deserve more than this. Your peace of mind, your health, your wellbeing, deserves more than this.

Here's my diagnosis, he has the 'insufferable piece of sh1t' personality disorder.
I dont think there is any treatment.
You might have thought he was a fixer upper but really he's just a money-pit, the more you support him the more of your life force & energy will be stolen from you.
He's not a partner he's a form of vampire.

My ds has diagnosed ADHD. Diagnosed at 32. He can be chaotic around chores but when he takes meds it really helps him concentrate. He is inclined to get mad rushes of concentration so can go from no housework to totally cleaning the house from top to bottom leaving it in tip top shape. He does find laundry the most difficult as gets overwhelmed when it piles up. He loves cooking though so does a lot of that.looking at my ds makes me realise dh also has ADHD. He is not great around tidiness/ laundry but he literally never stops working. He is always doing the garden, doing necessary DIY in the house, washing floors, hoovering, doing his everyday job etc. So l could never call him lazy. Your dh sounds lazy. Dh is definitely better at jobs that dont involve a lot of organisation. If your dh went on ADHD meds it might improve his ability to focus.

This isn’t his ADHD, this is him being a selfish prick.

My husband has ADHD. It was difficult. He literally made it his hyper focus to train(?) himself to be on it with housework, parenting, everything. He has lists, reminders, you name it.

I didn’t instigate them or suggest them. I don’t have to mother him into it. He researched solutions, prompts, things to help him, all by his grown up self because his priority was being a good father. The housework he was less bothered about, but he knew it bothered me. Once he realised how much, he trained himself on that too.

His ADHD is quite severe. He doesn’t self medicate, would never touch drugs and barely drinks.

OP tell me his behaviour is worse since he saw a few TikToks about ADHD and how nothing is his fault?

Actually never mind. I feel I already know the answer.

we have both adhd and autism in family - he should also be assessed for autism too

i think you need to work out what is adhd - and what is his personality. ADHD is exec function - his attitude is not exec function.

@Donners It is clear from what I have read, that something needs to give and it's not you. Putting ADHD aside, your partner is basically a man child, who is treating like a servant; expecting you to do everything for him.

If you carry on like this, you are going to have a breakdown and it's time to think about you and your child. I hate to say this but, you seriously need to consider separation but first talk this over with your mum or other relatives, siblings and friends, who you trust 100%

Do this sooner than later before it all gets too much for you.

I really wish you the best of luck ❤️

I don't think this is ADHD, he's just an asshole

if one half of a couple has ADHD, then the other person often is likely autistic.

This is really interesting. Would you mind going into more detail please as I think this might be and my partner also

ADHD is not an excuse here. It makes certain tasks harder but it's not an excuse.

DS is 10. He's actually super organised because he's developing coping strategies to deal with some of the things he feels hard.

If he's ADHD have you talked through using coping strategies to deal with some of these issues? If you haven't you need to.

If he refuses to engage or acknowledge coping strategies you have a plain old fashioned arse using ADHD as an excuse.

I know lots of people with adhd. They find systems to make their lives easier. I think your husbands problem is more that hes a selfish prick.

How can you love a man who calls you a bitch? Just leave him and his pathetic excuses and horrible rudeness. One less child to care for.

Is it me, you or adult ADHD by Gina Pera is a really great book that’s helped me a lot with my ADHD partner and setting boundaries. However your partner has awful coping strategies and is blaming ADHD, it’s not good enough

No, it's not ADHD, he's being a dick head.

Signed someone waiting to be diagnosed

You were right the first time. Always trust your gut. Imagine what a peaceful life you're going to have without him!