Husband has ADHD and it's breaking me.

[Donners]

Sorry if this isn't in the right place.

I've been with my husband for 11 years. In the last 3 years I have been really struggling with various symptoms of his ADHD. Though only in the last year have we realised he has it.
Prior to this I simply thought he was forgetful, lazy and selfish.
I am burnt out at the moment. Have been for a few months. There are some main issues:

1. Communication is a nightmare with what I've learnt are standard ADHD things - not listening/inattention, talking AT me about ridiculous things, almost discharging his entire brain at me and expecting me to be interested in often the most absurd or ridiculous topics, interrupting, changing the topic, assuming he knows what I'll say/think etc. it got so bad I stopped engaging, shut down. I felt so lonely and isolated being unable to share any of my thoughts feelings or opinions with him.

We spoke about it and agreed on me being able to say "I wasn't finished/you interrupted" etc. but often he's ruined the flow of my thoughts and what I was saying. So I often struggle to then go back to it.

2. chores. He behaves as though these are optional for him. Always has done. Can do one small thing and then feels he's done enough. I'm currently unwell, off work, infection, on antibiotics and feel dreadful. I sent a small list of things that needed doing (we have agreed I can do this because apparently he doesn't see when things need doing), 2 of those things I suggested our son could do. Husband did one thing (grocery shop, with list I sent) and I've just asked about the other things and he's kicked off.

"Hasn't sat down" apparently. Not true, sat for 90 mins with a beer, then another hour in-between taking our son to a club. These aren't enormous jobs, "pick up dog poo" "empty weekend bag" "put washing on"
Now I feel guilty for "nagging" him, but on the other hand I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to do those things, which would take about 25mins total, given they're things I'd have just done if I was well enough.
I'm a nasty b*h apparently, don't appreciate him (I make an effort to thank and praise him for everything, I think it's pathetic at this stage because I'm so fed up, but I have read those with ADHD need praise)
I feel like he has enormous expectations of me, but I can't expect anything of him because then I'm being nasty.
3) life admin/management. I do it all. If he demands the responsibility for something he often doesn't do it. I'll prompt, and get told he'll do it in a minute. He knows he'll forget. This can happen daily until I end up peed off. Then I'm the bad guy again.

He's always the victim. Takes absolutely no accountability for how his ADHD symptoms impact me.

This weekend we were with my parents. My mum said to me privately that she sees what I mean, I do everything and any tiny thing he does has to be arranged and led by me, with me then praising him after. Relentless questions all the time. Normal questions end up leaving me close to tears e.g "where are my shorts" but this will be before he's looked, taken any time to think about where they might be, and could be the 20th question that hour.

Any time we try to talk he is dismissive of my feelings, goes into defence mode, and plays victim. Well, he probably convinces himself he is the victim, because he cannot see how any of this impacts me.

It's just relentless. There is no escape, no break.

I had to go away for work recently, I was really struggling with my mental health before going - totally burnt out. Made this very clear. But i get no support, he claims he helps but literally the expectation on me is always the same. He did nothing to help before I left, when I returned home the house was disgusting. And when I mentioned it he said I wasn't appreciating what he had done. Which was go out canyoning with our son each evening - something he really enjoys, and one load of washing (his own clothes) in 5 days.

Coming home to a filthy house made me feel so unappreciated. We agreed that next time I can send a list of jobs to do. But I'll need to be mindful the list isn't too big - as in what I'd do - because he'll respond badly.

I feel like I have a fully grown toddler.

I just don't know what to do. I'm so burnt out, fed up and resentful. I'm so unhappy. I love him, he has some wonderful qualities, but these ADHD symptoms are destroying me.

We have spoken about therapy, but honestly, I don't think it's worth my energy. He'll lie (with the ADHD and him smoking cannabis and drinking each night - claims both help quieten down his thoughts, his memory is shot and he very often re writes what's happened, then accuses me of the doing the same), play the victim, say he takes accountability and understands but he won't. He's very good at saying. All talk and no action.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I can identify with what you says about communication and life management with my partner who has ADHD but he’s also quite self aware and the pay off is that he pulls his weight around the house and doesn’t have an issue when I remind him or ask him to do stuff.
I don’t think all of this is explained by ADHD; I think some of it is that his life suits him and he’s not motivated to change ot even though it’s hurting you

You know what you have to do @Donners Do you want to spend the next 50 years like this?

Leave him.

Good God! Get better and then get out!!! He sounds horrendous and he’s using his self diagnosed condition as a stick to beat you with. Fuckity bye to him!

This isn’t his ADHD - this is him just being a complete prick and trying to get away with it. And I say this as someone who has ADHD myself. Please leave him he sounds absolutely awful and useless to boot

I have severe adhd (diagnosed). I work full time in a professional job. As well as working a full day on Monday, I took dh to the train station, did an econsult for ds3, took ds3 to gp, put laundry in machine, took out and hung on line, did some banking/paid some bills, did a quick grocery shop, got the washing off the line, picked up dh from station, took ds3 to pharmacy to pick up antibiotics. I emptied the dishwasher and reloaded it. I fed the dogs …There was no beer or weed in my day, I literally didn’t have time!

Your husbands problems are not adhd, he’s just a twat.

Yesterday, I read the kids the riot act because they’re not pulling their weight. (DH is away so he escaped the reading)

My ex was like this though never acknowledged ADHD. I was utterly exhausted and burnt out after 14 years of it. I left him, as I had tried so many ways of trying to get him to be an equal partner and counselling never got us anywhere - he still failed to carry his load. DS has now been diagnosed with it - with some resistance from his father to me even getting him assessed. It’s blindingly obvious to me now that his father must have it. But still he has failed to make the links… or certainly won’t mention it anyway. I genuinely don’t know what to suggest but just wanted to say I feel your pain. I’m still exhausted because I continue to do most everything for the DC but at least I no longer have to live with my ex so am generally far less frustrated and irritated. If he fails to recognise what you do and act to lessen the load on you, it’s difficult to find a way forward I think.

My DH has ADHD, but he's not like yours, and I agree with the comments above.

Our relationship has been hard at times though. Something that has really helped us, is the use of the word "Timeout", for when I just don't have any more headspace for his constant talking, changing of direction, making a mess etc. It's just our codeword for "I'm getting overwhelmed and need some space for a while". He's quite sweet and has learnt to just shut up for a bit, and also that I'll appreciate a cup of tea if he wants to make one!

As an aside, something I've noticed in ours and a number of our friends' relationships, is that if one half of a couple has ADHD, then the other person often is likely autistic. Maybe something to consider for yourself too?

He's not got adhd, he's got lazy twat itis.

He's rude, doesn't help out, does what he likes and leaves you to pick up the slack.

I'd offer one chance to sort himself out with a tight deadline, then show him the door.

OP he sounds awful but you’ve been together 11 years, what was he like before you got married and had a child?

Funny how women with adhd still manage to hold down jobs, run a household and not be a complete dickhead. Yet men with adhd, even if it’s self diagnosed, seem to suffer symptoms which make everyone around them life miserable, but mange to do what they want quite easily. What a phenomenon.
I have adhd, manage a high pressure job, house and finances etc. it’s not always easy but I’m not a toddler so I have to suck it up, and can’t throw a tantrum when I can’t be bothered to do housework.

op this is not adhd this is his personality and he’s using it as an excuse. His diagnosis is being a selfie man nothing more. I bet he doesn’t forget to call his dealer or mange the money to but his drugs and booze does he. Hmmm funny that. Overwhelmed by house chores but can get himself out and prepared for an evening canoe trip. I hope he wasn’t stoned or drunk taking your son out in the water.

I have ADHD. I was a single parent to five young kids and I was well aware that if I didn't pull my finger out; keep the house clean, cook food, do laundry, make sure my kids were on time for school in clean uniforms with done homework - that I could lose my kids. So I made lists, I wrote stuff down, I MADE CERTAIN that all chores were done and nothing was 'forgotten'. It was bloody hard and impacted my mental health, but if the alternative was having my children taken into care, then damn straight I was going to do everything I could to keep the household running!

I know it's not the same for all sufferers, and some people struggle more than others with different things. But to me, it sounds as though OPs DH is leaning on a possible explanation for his behaviour and using it to excuse what can otherwise be explained by his being a self-obsessed individual.

Self diagnosed. But won't bother to a real diagnosis so he could get treatment.

Smoking pot and drinking every night. You do realize some of what you call symptoms are also signs of him being drunk and stoned, right?

You've got a lazy drunken stoner who won't finish a simple task list, lets the home fall into a slovenly state, and expects you to do well, everything.

This is what you've got. An adult man child and one with substance abuse issues. He's not going to change. Whether he has ADHD or it's an excuse for being a lazy good for nothing, it wouldn't matter. The effects are the same.

If he went and got evaluated and started working a program and living drug and alcohol free, that would be my ultimatum. Otherwise, I'd be handing him divorce papers.

Leave this horrible, abusive, lazy shithead.

ADHD is not why he’s a lazy cunt.

This sounds very like my adhd partner apart from the drinking and weed which i made clear from the start when i got pregnant, we wouldn't be doing any more of. Its so difficult. Hes not well atm so im doing everything myself with 3 kids without expecting him to do anything and im finding that easier mentally than the constant battles.

Do you love him? Do you want stay married to him? Those are the questions I face with my ADHD diagnosed DH.

Some very similar traits but I would not tolerate the smoking and the abusive language at all, I do tolerate the clutter plies and random items everywhere, I just put them in bin bags over the course of a month and he has to rummage and rescue his clutter!

I do choose to tolerate the forgetfulness, the multiple projects the lack of focus and the fact i arrange pretty much everything in our lives. I’ve made peace with this I’ve decided that his traits are something im able to cope with, manage and work with.

But I refuse to compromise on my own life I go out with friends who are emotionally supportive, I have hobbies and I enjoy life with and without him.

I think the big question and thought is that this won’t get better as my DH has aged now 55 it’s getting worse, are you ok and willing to live with this? Do you live thr good days enough?

it’s OK to admit that you can’t stay.

Not ADHD… just has no respect for you…

you do not deserve this

I wonder if the world will simply grind to a halt with all these people 'unable' to do things. FFS

How long were you together before you moved in together? Then how long before you married him?

Was he always like this?

I have ADHD. Yes using it as an excuse. He's becoming aggressive when you try to give him any responsibility. He's a lazy selfish peice of shit who thinks the grunt work is beneath him. He wants you to act like his mother, I'm surprised you don't have to fucking spoon feed him.

Honestly this isn't ADHD, it's entitlement and unfortunately you are enabling it by backing down when he becomes aggressive and ending up doing it anyway (I understand you can't just let the house go to shit).

Stop treating him like a dog you can train with treats and praise. He's a man. A lazy man who would rather sit on his arse and drink beer than pull his weight because cleaning isn't fun for him.

I couldn't be with somebody so filthy let alone so pathetic.

He may well have adhd but I’d also try to remember that it likely suits him to have a reason he can give for saying he can’t do certain things that he thinks you would be unreasonable to challenge. Some of the examples you’ve given, such as verbal abuse, certainly can’t be attributed to adhd though, which should tell you something.

Your post is full of the yearning for a full partnership OP, and that is not what you have. Maybe he can't help being a dependent with zero attention span and no executive ability so you end up being a frenetic secretary/mother/nagging figure, which is so unfair on you. Or maybe he is a lazy selfish arse who cares nothing for your feelings or point of view, and doesn't listen to you because he doesn't want to bother. Either way, this is far from working for you, and is completely miserable. What does he actually bring into your life? - joy, laughter, being understood, being appreciated and loved for who you are - a partner, not merely co-existing because of what you do domestically to make his life an easy lazy one? This is tough, but your life sounds as though it would be so much better without this millstone round your neck. I hope you can find a happier life than this.💗

He can have ADHD and still be a twat......

Anyone who claims ADHD should attempt to get a diagnosis. I understand waiting lists are long, but he should at least try to get on them.

As someone with adhd I break myself. I’ve recently been finding bedtime with children extremely hard I had a child that breastfeeds and a older child and as a single mum the feeling of being touched my other child not listening and jumping around the lying in the dark the getting restless very very hard it literally feels like a hour of tourture which normally ends up in me snapping at my child. I also made a doctors appointment today for a day next week because I know that this could effect my children and that’s not fair as its my condition and I need to learn how to manage it.

your husband may well be really struggling some things which seem easy to others are extreamly difficult for people with afhd this does not however give him a green light to be a dick he needs accountability and to take action

A diagnosis and meds would really help - the wait will be long on the NHS so consider using Right to Choose. It sounds like he is self medicating with alcohol and cannabis.

I have inattentive ADHD and was diagnosed in 2019. I've had coaching and read some books.

One of them which was recommended to me by an EAP Counsellor was Smart But Scattered Guide To Success For Adults.

It has a quiz on the 12 Executive Function Skills areas which I found really helpful in understanding myself. There's also a chapter on Relationshops.

Some of the strategies and tips I developed and picked up in the different areas:

My top strengths

Focus - I'm more focused if there is variety between types of tasks.

Coping with stress - I love figuring out a way to solve a problem. I'm great in a crisis.

Goal persistence - I always get there (but can struggle to start, need help to prioritise, and struggle to track progress of big projects). I use a children's timer on Amazon. A best friend and I send each other voice notes about how things are going (great as you can listen on double speed and reply in writing). I also use a small whiteboard in the kitchen for writing down what I've done.

Areas I am not as strong in

Flexibility - The most realistic approach for me here that means I don't burn out and I don't let other people down is to: take the length of time a task takes, then triple it.

Metacognition i.e. the ability to self reflect and learn. Going to the gym helps me with this, as it helps me feel balanced and get a good night sleep.

Prioritising/planning - do not schedule complicated tasks after 4pm, create and save a checklist that can be used for the next time, colour coded weekly schedule with time blocking

My weaknesses and what helps them for me

Emotional control - walk away from triggers

Task initiation - using a children's timer

Organisation - getting rid of clutter, labelling everything with a Dynamo, having boxes and baskets for everything

Working memory - lists, writing everything down, for home I use a paper planner for appointments and to dos, and spreadsheets for breaking down and tracking bigger projects. I use One Note (for work) as it has different tabs like a physical notebook.

Time management - having a very large clock in visual eyeline and an Alexa in three of my rooms

The relationships chapter explained that we find other people's shortcomings much more irritating than our own, even if it's the same shortcoming.

It also explains that if we are naturally good at something, it is very hard to understand people who are naturally bad at it.

We often attribute it to something they could control if they wanted to.

I can do X, but they are just lazy etc.

The book recommends both doing the quiz together to see where you align and diverge.

The advice is:

Don't assume you see things the same

Take advantage of each others strengths where you can

Do not use weaknesses to burden a partner unfairly (everyone can work to improve weaknesses).

Prepare in advance if it's not a strength for them

Use communication skills that show you understand each others strengths and weaknesses

If it's an area you both struggle with, the book suggests jointly working for self- improvement.

Hope that helps. I am firmly in the camp of ADHD does not excuse poor behaviour.

What kind of life is this for you op? It sounds awful. He sounds horrible in general and to even get him to do simple chores you have to supervise and micromanage him, which is probably more draining than doing the actual chore (which I'm sure he is very aware of).

He sounds similar to my ex and to be honest it never even crossed my mind once that he could have ADHD. He was however lazy, selfish and manipulative.

I know plenty of people with ADHD who behave nothing like this. The most astounding thing to me here is that he hasn't even explored a diagnosis or treatment, yet uses it as an excuse to do/not do whatever he wants whilst running you into the ground on a daily basis. He's taking the absolute piss out of you.

You deserve so much better, this could make you so ill in the long term. It also sends negative messages to your son about relationships and how to treat a partner.