We live overseas from family. All extended family on both sides live in the same city.
When we visit, we stay with PILs because they have space (multiple spare rooms) and they invite us, and DH adores them, and they adore him. We also visit SIL's family, as part of the deal. We don't stay with my family as none of them have any spare space. We don't stay in an AirBnB because DH's parents insist we stay with them.
I find all this quite difficult because PILs and SIL & family all dislike me and 8yo DS, and are clearly ashamed of DS - who has AuDHD. They resent me for having brought shame on their gifted high-achieving family, by having a child who was diagnosed with special needs at age 2. That DS is also highly academic and recognizably very musically gifted is never mentioned by any of the inlaws (the reason I mention this is that they very highly value academics and music... and constantly talk about other grandchildren's academic and musical exploits).
When we visit PILs there are rules in place like DS and I having to be out of the house if any of their friends come round; "family catch-ups" with PILs' friends only being allowed to involve DH, never DS and me. DS and I having to buy and cook our own food, and eat at different times from everyone else so that we don't disturb the "adults". MIL cooks lavish multi-course meals for DH, she and FIL, the conversation flows for hours. DS and I prepare toast or sandwiches as quickly as possible, then have to eat in silence while FIL sits at the table reading the newspaper, huffing and puffing and rolling his eyes if any noise at all is made. DS's and my clothes are taken off the clothesline and dumped on the ground wet if we go out anywhere having left wet washing on the line. DH's clothes are allowed to dry. DH gets a spare ensuite bedroom to himself (double bed, quilts, pillows galore, desk...). DS and I get a different one with camp bed stretcher things, only one blanket each, and FIL chooses our bathroom to use (and doesn't clean the toilet after) despite having his own bathroom in another part of the house. He talks loudly about it being HIS HOUSE so he can do what he likes, shoehorning this into every possible conversation. Etc.
At SIL's DS and I are ignored, treated as though we don't exist for most of the visit; DS is told to eat in front of the TV in another room, I am allowed to eat at the table but don't get to join in any conversations. MIL loudly says she feels embarrassed and sorry for the other grandchildren "having to entertain" DS - to the extent they take this as a cue to ignore him. When DS was small there were many lunches at SIL's where DS and I were told to go sit in the car while he napped, and neither of us got any food at all.
So far, so "well fuck this for a game of soldiers, I'm not visiting them again".
Then there's DH. Who adores his parents, whose parents adore him. He can't for the life of him observe what it's like when we visit his family. The rest of the year he is an attentive, supportive husband and parent, intelligent and likeable. We depend on him, too. So I'm not going to divorce him over this.
The question is, how the hell do we make peace with this situation?
Would it be totally awful of me to prime filter-lacking 8yo AuDHD DS with a few choice observations of how bloody rude they're all being? I think that'd come down on DS though.