Making peace with family (inlaws) who dislike you

[Burntout2025]

We live overseas from family. All extended family on both sides live in the same city.

When we visit, we stay with PILs because they have space (multiple spare rooms) and they invite us, and DH adores them, and they adore him. We also visit SIL's family, as part of the deal. We don't stay with my family as none of them have any spare space. We don't stay in an AirBnB because DH's parents insist we stay with them.

I find all this quite difficult because PILs and SIL & family all dislike me and 8yo DS, and are clearly ashamed of DS - who has AuDHD. They resent me for having brought shame on their gifted high-achieving family, by having a child who was diagnosed with special needs at age 2. That DS is also highly academic and recognizably very musically gifted is never mentioned by any of the inlaws (the reason I mention this is that they very highly value academics and music... and constantly talk about other grandchildren's academic and musical exploits).

When we visit PILs there are rules in place like DS and I having to be out of the house if any of their friends come round; "family catch-ups" with PILs' friends only being allowed to involve DH, never DS and me. DS and I having to buy and cook our own food, and eat at different times from everyone else so that we don't disturb the "adults". MIL cooks lavish multi-course meals for DH, she and FIL, the conversation flows for hours. DS and I prepare toast or sandwiches as quickly as possible, then have to eat in silence while FIL sits at the table reading the newspaper, huffing and puffing and rolling his eyes if any noise at all is made. DS's and my clothes are taken off the clothesline and dumped on the ground wet if we go out anywhere having left wet washing on the line. DH's clothes are allowed to dry. DH gets a spare ensuite bedroom to himself (double bed, quilts, pillows galore, desk...). DS and I get a different one with camp bed stretcher things, only one blanket each, and FIL chooses our bathroom to use (and doesn't clean the toilet after) despite having his own bathroom in another part of the house. He talks loudly about it being HIS HOUSE so he can do what he likes, shoehorning this into every possible conversation. Etc.

At SIL's DS and I are ignored, treated as though we don't exist for most of the visit; DS is told to eat in front of the TV in another room, I am allowed to eat at the table but don't get to join in any conversations. MIL loudly says she feels embarrassed and sorry for the other grandchildren "having to entertain" DS - to the extent they take this as a cue to ignore him. When DS was small there were many lunches at SIL's where DS and I were told to go sit in the car while he napped, and neither of us got any food at all.

So far, so "well fuck this for a game of soldiers, I'm not visiting them again".

Then there's DH. Who adores his parents, whose parents adore him. He can't for the life of him observe what it's like when we visit his family. The rest of the year he is an attentive, supportive husband and parent, intelligent and likeable. We depend on him, too. So I'm not going to divorce him over this.

The question is, how the hell do we make peace with this situation?

Would it be totally awful of me to prime filter-lacking 8yo AuDHD DS with a few choice observations of how bloody rude they're all being? I think that'd come down on DS though.

I didn’t mean to offend you. I am on your side.

Also, I've pointed out to DH that my family (mostly derided as dysfunctional and unworthy of serious attention, by DH's parents) are far more humane and kind to DS, and generally sociable and pleasant to spend time with. He had to agree.

I think DH genuinely doesn't understand that there are plenty of people out there who aren't routinely snobbish/unpleasant to/about others, and that it's possible to not look down on people like that. He's still stuck in the academic/ achievement / social status / wealth "Stately Homes" mindset that his family engrained in him. I got tired of all that shite 20 years ago and gradually found people who are actually nice to be around. DH still gets a thrill out of mixing and sparring with the powerful utter arseholes at the top end of his field.

The stress and fatigue of 8+ years with AuDHD DS means we haven't really talked about much other than logistics and bits of DH's work, in years, so the one place I'm being confronted with all this immaturity is when we're on holiday with his parents being wankers.

No way should you tolerate these idiots. And no, your Dh is not blind or deaf, so of course he’s aware, don’t try to make excuses for him. Next time, stay in an Airbnb and only see your parents and DH’s cousin. His parents/sister are disgusting.

You honestly, seriously still take your child there to be treated like that?
If i were you I'd be sending your Husband there with his bag and telling him not to come back for not standing up for you both!!

The only way to get through to your husband is to kick off and cause a fuss unfortunately. He may be great all year round but with parents he is not. I couldn’t accept that personally. Even to protect my son’s feelings I couldn’t stay around people like that.

OP, I get it - there is a lot to be sorted out here and you don't feel up to tackling it all at once.

But the answer to the visits is straightforward. Quite simply you refuse to expose your DS to these awful abusive people ever again and you make it clear to your husband that this is a hill you will die on if he pushes you.

Oh fuck me that’s horrendous. I’m so sorry. If you haven’t got linked stuff to this name I’d show your DH this thread or start a new one so he can see how he needs to protect his family.
made you family accommodating if you have to sleep in the living room? Get an Airbnb and eat and sleep and use your bathroom.

your DH thinks styli shoild eat separately and leave the house when guests come and don’t get bedding and have to sit In the car?

he is shit

Sorry but just don’t visit them? They abuse you and your child? Why on earth do you and your husband allow your child to be treated this way (nevermind yourself). It’s completely mad. If your husband goes fine (sounds like he gets to be looked after like a child again and I question anyone’s morals who can sit and watch his wife and child be treated like this and not do anything).

You very simply refuse to go again.

But saying that I’m currently dealing with similar in an ill MIL and DH reverting to being a dick and being mean as he’s stuck in the FOG

This is awful. They are awful,

However, you are not standing up for yourself and your son.

Why the fucking fuck, are you not refusing all contact? Why is your solution to sleep somewhere else, instead of not sodding go at all? Why are you spending time and money to be abused? They hate you, they hate your DS, and your husband is abusing you too by permitting it. The more you do what you're told, the more they will abuse you. This is nuts and you need therapy to help you protect your child from this shit housing.

My in-laws were like this with me for years. Ignored me, told me I was wrong, had me doing lots of cooking and running around after the dogs etc. They saw me as someone who might take their precious child and grandchildren away from them. When the whole family were there at Christmas, there weren't enough seats in their living room for us all to sit. I ended up on the floor with the dogs while the kids got a seat.
It really felt like an endurance test to see just how much I would put up with, and I tolerated it for 3 years to make sure I wasn't imagining it. Give my partner their due, they did try to remonstrate with their parents after the second year's visit and got nowhere fast.
Eventually I put my foot down and refused to be in the same room as them, whether they were at ours or going to them. I suggest you do the same, or go stay at your family's home. Sleeping on the floor in the living room isn't going to be any worse than what your in-laws are putting you through.

Why is your DH allowing you and DS to be treated like this? Why are you allowing your DS to be treated like this? It's emotional abuse and could have a really negative impact on him. You need to give your head a wobble and prioritise your child.

How does your DH not see what they are doing to you?
I could not be with this man. He is ghastly.

Why does your dh accept the en-suite room and not insist you and DS sleep there? If he can’t answer this then keep asking.

I think this is where a 'no drama' approach comes in. Next time visits are mooted, calmly explain to your DH that you will not be staying with his parents. Either you will stay with a relative of your choosing, or in alternative accommodation which he is welcome to share, going over to visit his DPs as he wishes. If he wants to argue or discuss it, say that you are sure that what you are feeling is accurate and you will not expose DS to it. You dont want him to feel he cannot visit his parents. But you will not join him. Then rinse and repeat. You sound very compassionate to him and his difficulties handling the situation.

Is your husband alive?? Does he have a voice??? My husband would never allow anyone to treat me let alone his son that way. I’d worry less about your in laws (as you don’t actually have to see them if you put your court down) and more about my husband!!! The inlaws treat you like that because they’re ignorant and more so, because your husband allows them to…sort him out or throw him out, my kids always come first!

Im sorry op, I could not stand by while someone was treating my kids like a second class citizen. I also have a child with special need, I felt fury reading this! At them, also at you for staying there and allowing it. If dh wants to be a Mammy's boy, allow him. But do not put your child in that situation. How do you think this makes your son feel? Like he's nothing no doubt. Why you are even asking the question is beyond me. You don't visit again, why would you want to? Dh needs a stern talking to as well. Is it his child? Either way, how dare he not defend you or your child. As special needs children especially, parents have to be the voice for that child. Not let them endure bullying behavior by a bunch of adults. I can't tell you how angry this has made me!!

This is easy
you stop visiting and your son stops visiting

dh goes when it’s convenient as a family.

or if you enjoy the place they live go on a air bnb and dh visits them while you and ds go out for the day

BTW - I think your DH is having a trauma reaction. I dont think he is just being an arse, its a very sad and he is going into fawn/friend mode. And then downplaying what they are like, because otherwise he has to deal with what that means to him. But that does not mean they get to traumatize you!

The biggest problem isn't your in-laws, it is your spineless drip of a DH, who allows his wife and child to be treated like shit on their shoe by his family, and he happily stands by and lets them do it.

As the saying goes - fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I'd rather sleep on a park bench than stay with your in-laws, and if my DH ever allowed other people to treat me like that without standing up for me... well. That would be the end of it.

Exactly. Absolutely no words.

Please tell me this is made up or a joke. If it's not you need to the nearest Tesco and buy a spine so you can stand up for yourself and your son.

I'm sorry for being harsh but I am infuriated reading your post and you need to stop trying to please people that obviously don't like you but are also so nasty and mean to you and your son and your DH is a freaking idiot.

You need to take the stand that he is free to go stay with them if he wants you and your son will get a hotel to visit YOUR family not his. You need to push back hard and don't give a damn if they get upset or not.

I don't want to get into LTB and all that but I would seriously question if this the type of man I want to spend my life with, he will NEVER priorize you and your son over his parents and sister, let that sink in.

If you wouldn't divorce him that's your call but you need to tell him that this bullshit ends now, you will not be going to his parents anymore, he can go see them or if he wants to stay with them while you and your son will stay in hotel and prioritize visiting your family.

And NO he is not a good father or husband, anyone who turns a blind eye when his wife and child is treated like that is NOT a good father or husband.

I am so upset reading your post.

Blah blah blah, stop making excuses for a weak excuse of a man.

If he has trauma then he needs to work on it and make changes not continue to pander to his horrible parents at the expense of his wife and son.

It's a shame that you are financially dependent on such a spineless man and you're not pandering to his horrible parents and trying to find ways to make peace with them.

Sit him down and tell him how all this is affecting you and your son and that he needs to get help to work through his trauma instead of keeping his head in the sand and pandering to dear mama and Papa. Maybe you need to stop visiting even if it means not seeing your family for a while so he can see how serious you are and make changes and insist on staying at a hotel next visit or you're not going.

He doesn't have to wait I til they die for him to unravel the trauma and guess what even dying will not free him if he doesn't do the work to get better and over it. Is there a huge inheritance you're all hoping for that's why you don't want to upset his parents?

Why the F would you expose your child to that?
As for your H, hes a Dick as well for "adoring" people who treat his wife and child like that.
I wouldn't be in the same country as them let alone stay with the Twats