Making peace with family (inlaws) who dislike you

[Burntout2025]

We live overseas from family. All extended family on both sides live in the same city.

When we visit, we stay with PILs because they have space (multiple spare rooms) and they invite us, and DH adores them, and they adore him. We also visit SIL's family, as part of the deal. We don't stay with my family as none of them have any spare space. We don't stay in an AirBnB because DH's parents insist we stay with them.

I find all this quite difficult because PILs and SIL & family all dislike me and 8yo DS, and are clearly ashamed of DS - who has AuDHD. They resent me for having brought shame on their gifted high-achieving family, by having a child who was diagnosed with special needs at age 2. That DS is also highly academic and recognizably very musically gifted is never mentioned by any of the inlaws (the reason I mention this is that they very highly value academics and music... and constantly talk about other grandchildren's academic and musical exploits).

When we visit PILs there are rules in place like DS and I having to be out of the house if any of their friends come round; "family catch-ups" with PILs' friends only being allowed to involve DH, never DS and me. DS and I having to buy and cook our own food, and eat at different times from everyone else so that we don't disturb the "adults". MIL cooks lavish multi-course meals for DH, she and FIL, the conversation flows for hours. DS and I prepare toast or sandwiches as quickly as possible, then have to eat in silence while FIL sits at the table reading the newspaper, huffing and puffing and rolling his eyes if any noise at all is made. DS's and my clothes are taken off the clothesline and dumped on the ground wet if we go out anywhere having left wet washing on the line. DH's clothes are allowed to dry. DH gets a spare ensuite bedroom to himself (double bed, quilts, pillows galore, desk...). DS and I get a different one with camp bed stretcher things, only one blanket each, and FIL chooses our bathroom to use (and doesn't clean the toilet after) despite having his own bathroom in another part of the house. He talks loudly about it being HIS HOUSE so he can do what he likes, shoehorning this into every possible conversation. Etc.

At SIL's DS and I are ignored, treated as though we don't exist for most of the visit; DS is told to eat in front of the TV in another room, I am allowed to eat at the table but don't get to join in any conversations. MIL loudly says she feels embarrassed and sorry for the other grandchildren "having to entertain" DS - to the extent they take this as a cue to ignore him. When DS was small there were many lunches at SIL's where DS and I were told to go sit in the car while he napped, and neither of us got any food at all.

So far, so "well fuck this for a game of soldiers, I'm not visiting them again".

Then there's DH. Who adores his parents, whose parents adore him. He can't for the life of him observe what it's like when we visit his family. The rest of the year he is an attentive, supportive husband and parent, intelligent and likeable. We depend on him, too. So I'm not going to divorce him over this.

The question is, how the hell do we make peace with this situation?

Would it be totally awful of me to prime filter-lacking 8yo AuDHD DS with a few choice observations of how bloody rude they're all being? I think that'd come down on DS though.

I know you said you cannot leave your husband, but he is as awful as his father for refusing to acknowledge how you and his child are treated by his family, and be extension by him.

Alternative accommodation is certainly a better idea, but this is abusive and your child is exposed to your husband’s willingness to go along with it. Please think on the message that is sending.

Of course you can’t subject your poor son to this bullying. Whats the matter with DH putting up with it, doesn’t he like his son either? Just book a B and B next time.

I get all the fog stuff but what does your DH say when you ask him why you cant stay in the same bed with him?j ust wild...

Also glad you have a "plan" for your next visit.

I'd be really clear with my DH that while he can kick the cam down the road for now his son will have questions about this and he not you will need to answer them. He should think about what kind of a man and father he wants to be for his son and about what message he wants to give his son about his (DSs) place in the world.

Is DH and his DF autistic too OP?

Make a stand ….. DO NOT put yourself or your son through this again

You need to split up from your husband and never ever visit your in-laws again. They are disgusting, abelist fuckwits and your husband is no better. How on earth can he adore the parents that treat his wife and child in that way?

As other posters have said, this is like a fairy story with you and your son cast in the Cinderella role.

Enjoy your life...stop trying....they don't deserve your time

Urgh your husband is a cunt.

If this is real then your husband is as abusive as his father. To allow you and his son to be treated as you describe is vile. And why you aren't raging about the situation but have instead passively allowed it to happen? Do not visit his parents and sister ever again, go completely no contact with them and for your son's sake raise your bar! Your husband can do what he likes but l would not be part of this toxic set up.

Why are you having any interactions at all with any of them? Don’t go and don’t have any communications with them ever. And don’t let your son see them.

Your husband supports you and your child being abused. That makes him an abusive.

If your DH won’t support you and stand up to his parents then don’t go there. Also make it clear that your DS got 50% of his genes from his father and neither of you chose your son to have ADHD.

It's absolutely disgusting that your DH allows this to happen.

Why do you visit? Your so called DH should visit by himself.

I would have suspected this of not being true, had I not got a friend with an autistic son who is treated ABOMINABLY by her own family. Her sister (whose daughter has an autistic son) basically pretends that her nephew's diagnosis doesn't exist, and that her GS is the only autistic child in the world. The grandparents try to control his every move; he's not allowed to help himself from the fridge when all the other grandchildren can, etc, because he 'makes a mess'.

OP the only thing you can do is remove yourself from the vicinity of these dreadful people. Go and stay in a hotel near your own family, leave your unobservant and in-denial DH to stay with his own parents. But do not set one foot in their house with your lovely boy again.

OP, to answer your original question. I had a terrible relationship with an IL who was unbelievably rude and provocative as your ILs are. I put up with it and ignored it for a long time as I did not want to lose the relationship I had with my direct relative (who similarly had a 'fog' about his spouses behavior.) Eventually they pushed it too far and I stood up for myself and refused to put up with it any longer. I demanded respect. After a time of distance etc, my direct relative resumed our relationship and now I also have a relationship with the IL. They treat me respectfullying now. I have learned this is the only way. Don't ever put up with it. If they cannot treat you with respect walk away. It is also important role modelling for your DS. Which your DH should also think about.

I think this is real—why not? Families are awful. But there us no way this would have happened to me and my child more than once.

I think there us something odd about OP not being able to imagine an interim solution between refusing to be shit on by these people and leaving her husband.

Never go again. Not to the in laws or to SIL. Just refuse. Or, if you do, refuse to be put aside snd ignored. Have an absolutely frank and fearless conversation. Serve yourself food from their table at dinner. Sleep in DH’s special bed snd tell him to camp elsewhere.

Become Ungovernable

You should find your backbone and refuse to stay there. You should be clear on why.

Your husband is actually disgusting for letting them treat you that way. I can't believe you've allowed it to go on this long. How can you still respect him?

You have 2 choices going forward
stay somewhere else, and I’d be sending DH round there to visit alone with DS too. See if they can hide DS away when there’s no second caregiver.

don't go at all. just don’t go. They don’t really want you there. Let DH just go on his own and go somewhere else nice with DS. If someone told me to go out when they had friends round that would be the last time. They’ve had lots of opportunities to be nice and haven’t bothered so fuck them!

That is far beyond FOG. That is your DH giving zero fucks about his wife and child. What a horrible excuse for a human being.

If this is true this is absolutely hideous and I don’t know why your husband isn’t doing f anything about it or why you even go there!

I can imagine plenty of interim solutions, but was anticipating the "LTB!" of Mumsnet days of yore (maybe people on here don't say it like that any more? but the responses have been effectively the same).

I tried ungovernability for a while, back when there were still shreds of respect for me (originally, way back 20 years ago, they actually liked and respected me, when I had a respectable career of suitable calibre), but that ungovernability was what made those vestiges of respect disappear. These days i'm tired enough as it is, so will just stay elsewhere, stay out of sight and grey-rock the bastards while enjoying time with DS.

As I said upthread, the first time we visited since 2020, late last year, I kept thinking I'd misheard/ misunderstood things. I put FIL talking over me down to deafness, the sleeping arrangements down to them being kind and considerate about DS not being alone at night, the not socialising down to them thinking DS would be bored. On the more recent visit it became much clearer that all this was deliberate and rooted in shame/ dislike of me and DS.

DH has got as far as noticing some of the behaviours but is still putting them down to things like deafness, mistakes (surely, they must've been moving the washing around and somehow left mine and DS's on the ground and forgotten it?) and his parents being considerate of DS not wanting to eat dinner late or not wanting to sleep alone or not wanting to be bored with "family" conversations and socializing.

I've asked if we are part of his family, or not, and what it would look like if we were. I do think he needs to think about that.