Making peace with family (inlaws) who dislike you

[Burntout2025]

We live overseas from family. All extended family on both sides live in the same city.

When we visit, we stay with PILs because they have space (multiple spare rooms) and they invite us, and DH adores them, and they adore him. We also visit SIL's family, as part of the deal. We don't stay with my family as none of them have any spare space. We don't stay in an AirBnB because DH's parents insist we stay with them.

I find all this quite difficult because PILs and SIL & family all dislike me and 8yo DS, and are clearly ashamed of DS - who has AuDHD. They resent me for having brought shame on their gifted high-achieving family, by having a child who was diagnosed with special needs at age 2. That DS is also highly academic and recognizably very musically gifted is never mentioned by any of the inlaws (the reason I mention this is that they very highly value academics and music... and constantly talk about other grandchildren's academic and musical exploits).

When we visit PILs there are rules in place like DS and I having to be out of the house if any of their friends come round; "family catch-ups" with PILs' friends only being allowed to involve DH, never DS and me. DS and I having to buy and cook our own food, and eat at different times from everyone else so that we don't disturb the "adults". MIL cooks lavish multi-course meals for DH, she and FIL, the conversation flows for hours. DS and I prepare toast or sandwiches as quickly as possible, then have to eat in silence while FIL sits at the table reading the newspaper, huffing and puffing and rolling his eyes if any noise at all is made. DS's and my clothes are taken off the clothesline and dumped on the ground wet if we go out anywhere having left wet washing on the line. DH's clothes are allowed to dry. DH gets a spare ensuite bedroom to himself (double bed, quilts, pillows galore, desk...). DS and I get a different one with camp bed stretcher things, only one blanket each, and FIL chooses our bathroom to use (and doesn't clean the toilet after) despite having his own bathroom in another part of the house. He talks loudly about it being HIS HOUSE so he can do what he likes, shoehorning this into every possible conversation. Etc.

At SIL's DS and I are ignored, treated as though we don't exist for most of the visit; DS is told to eat in front of the TV in another room, I am allowed to eat at the table but don't get to join in any conversations. MIL loudly says she feels embarrassed and sorry for the other grandchildren "having to entertain" DS - to the extent they take this as a cue to ignore him. When DS was small there were many lunches at SIL's where DS and I were told to go sit in the car while he napped, and neither of us got any food at all.

So far, so "well fuck this for a game of soldiers, I'm not visiting them again".

Then there's DH. Who adores his parents, whose parents adore him. He can't for the life of him observe what it's like when we visit his family. The rest of the year he is an attentive, supportive husband and parent, intelligent and likeable. We depend on him, too. So I'm not going to divorce him over this.

The question is, how the hell do we make peace with this situation?

Would it be totally awful of me to prime filter-lacking 8yo AuDHD DS with a few choice observations of how bloody rude they're all being? I think that'd come down on DS though.

If this is real, you and your child are being abused and your husband doesn’t give a shit, you also done seem to bother about how your son is being treated! Step up and stop putting you and your child in this situation, you’re husband isn’t as nice as you think or he is thick

Do you realise that you are exposing your son to abuse?

Why on earth are you facilitating contact with these people? If you won’t stand up for yourself then please, please do it for him

@Burntout2025 NEVER go there again. I can't believe what I've just read. Your husband should be defending you and son from this hateful family of his.
Could your family not squeeze you in ? Buy a bed settee ?
But yes Airbnb is the next solution. Think of the freedom you'll have. Alternatively just don't go !
Go somewhere else where you'll be waited on hand and foot.

None of his childhood issues matter one tiny bit compared to him colluding in doing this to his own child and you, because it’s abuse.

if your post was would it be reasonable to firebomb the in laws house as I leave, I’d vote yes. And I’d never ever ever see them again. Your dh can go jump. Airbnb, see my own family with my precious child, every second he wants to see his family is without you and ds, you will never again be in the same room or house. Make it clear you are only in the same city because of your family. Tell your family what awful nasty abusive fuckers they are. Hell, tell the newspapers and all their precious high achieving friends.

He knows. How can he not? The crying when you raise it sounds manipulative to me.

Firstly, there is no way on earth I would take my child somewhere where the would be treated so poorly, and I would worry about how they might internalise the treatment they receive. Now you are where you are though if you wanted to try and get through to your dh you could start pushing back in front of your him so any unfair treatment or inappropriate behaviour would be highlighted. “Thanks for offering for me and ds to eat earlier but we’d like to join you for the elaborate meal”. “DS is in the bathroom at the moment, which one should I use instead”. “My back is killing me on that bed I’m afraid, I’ll sleep with dh tonight”. Add in some talking at the diner table etc and see what happens. Then point out inappropriate responses to your dh and ask what he will do about it. If he chose not to respond I would be removing my child, with a clear explanation to all about why, and never returning.

Oh this is sad, tough for you but your poor DS, he must realise. Honestly, this is indeed a husband issue. You can't change these people and you shouldn't stay with them but its your husband putting all of this into your lives and asking it of you. I had a very much smaller issue with FiL and I immediately got husband to do some therapy, your husband needs to come to a place of loving his parents BUT understanding their faults, any trauma he carries from that, and feeling empowered to put his wife and child first.
I wouldn't be going until he's got that therapy. He isn't mentally/emotionally safe enough to protect or stand up for you both, or make appropriate choices that put you both first.
I'd suggest a compromise is staying elsewhere, making a holiday of it, but popping in to see them regularly. He could also fly out alone and leave you both here. He needs to come to that realisation though, rather than you force it onto him. theyre clearly horrible and if you choose to never see them again i wouldnt blame you, but in order for it not to cause marital strife, he needs therapy to work out why he's allowing behaviour that he normally wouldn't let anywhere near his wife and child. There will be some deep rooted trauma (my husband said to me what a wonderful childhood he had, and how great his parents were, he also told me he was hogtied and put in the garden during tantrums, he said this with no irony and blamed himself for being a difficult child - it takes a lot of therapy to unpick these things)