Separating after 29 yr marriage: could someone chat?

[Smellisande]

Just that. Feel completely lost and alone.
Everything that I built is ashes.

I’m not sure if I have any wisdom to offer but I’m here if you need someone to listen.

That sounds really tough. Have you got any support IRL?

Yes I just need someone to listen. I cant talk to my friends and family. They all love him.
I have fucked up too. We got married too young. I ignored the cracks. I didn't pay enough attention.

I’m so sorry to hear that. It sounds like it’s not your choice.

I can’t say there won’t be shit moments ahead but I can promise you I know many women who have risen from the ashes to enjoy happy years again 💐

There is no other woman. Just deep resentment over many things that I should have fixed but didnt. Sex mainly. But also affection.

No. Two grown up kids, one sibling in another country. Mum is old and not capable of support.

My friends all have moved away or busy with their own shit.
As DH says I am a great mum, friend, daughter but a crap wife.

Takes two to fix a marriage op

Even if they loved him , they weren't married to him

Is that what your husband is telling you, that you didnt pay enough attention? It doesn't make it true. You seem to be taking all the responsibility but what about him?

I’ve not been in the same situation but I do know a thing or two about beating myself up for my past actions. I know it helps nobody. You mustn’t blame yourself - it’s easy to look back with the wisdom of years and berate yourself for past mistakes. But back then you just did what you could with what you knew at the time.

Yes. Been trying to get him to come to counselling but he wouldnt. He has checked out.
I feel an utter failure. I might point out that I am from a community where marriage is a big deal. There are no divorces in my family. Not one.
Just me now.

Reading between the lines, did he want sex from you that you didn’t want to do?

He's not sounding like husband of the year for calling you a "crap wife"

Sounds like emotional abuse at worst, or being a "crap husband" at best.

What are your feelings op?

Are there reasons you didn't feel very affectionate towards him? Did you feel resentful?

If you are 100% sure there is no one else, ask him to give you this summer to change your relationship. You admit you have not been great as a wife, but it's so clear from your posts that you'd like to be. That sounds like a marriage worth fighting for.

Ask what he wants and needs and has longed for from you. Start to give what you can of this, and make your own wants, needs and longings clear to him too. Maybe make a list together of things you always planned to do together but never got around to and book to do one of them this week and one next week and keep going. Ask about his day, show interest. Tell him about yours. Talk about things other than DC and practical day to day life.

Op I hear you on the culture situation i do

I lost everything when I left, very strict culture , divorce not an option in any circumstances

I’m sorry OP. Feel free to tell us anything you want, we will listen. It’s so hard.

It's complicated. We moved around a lot for his career, I had a medical condition, then one of our DC developed a disability, and I just stopped paying attention to the marriage, I guess. We have different love languages.

He says his needs have always come last. I feel the same way.

I'm just saying, obviously I don't know but....he says you are a great mum, daughter, friend, etc and you moved around a lot for his job, and you have a DC who has extra care needs...I get that he has needs but it sounds to me like your a loving, caring person who gave every thing she could?

It's hard, right? I have money and I don't fear being shafted. But I feel completely alone.

He's not willing to put any effort into the marriage but I was foolishly looking forward to retirement travel.

..and he's the one not wanting to even try counselling....you can't fix a relationship alone?

He has someone else. I’m sorry but this is not all your fault. If he refused to go to counselling, you did offer to fix things.

its sad when something ends but it takes TWO people to have a relationship.

Please do not shoulder the blame of the breakdown of your marriage, OP. There need not be any blame: people do just grow apart. Of course, it is possible for one or both parties to behave in such a way that a marriage becomes untenable, but the scenario you have described so far appears to hinge on the expectation that it was on you to pay closer attention to your partner, as if you've somehow neglected him. Please don't wear the accusation of not having paid enough attention. Affectionate is as affectionate does; if your husband wanted your affection, what did he do to elicit an affectionate response from you and to build an emotional climate where affection flowed easily between you?

It does sound like neither if you were trying.
Men are quick to gloss over the fact that you were looking after 3 people, while they are mostly looking after themselves.
The chances are that he has indeed found another centre if interest, in most cases its a colleague/secretary/employee

I would have prioritised a child too. Without question. What choice did you have?

I’m so sorry to hear this Smelli. Also here to listen and let you know you’re not alone navigating this challenging period.

Your second line rang true ‘Everything I built is ashes’.

It’s hard, but having recently come out of a 25 year marriage, this forum has been a life saver, sanity check and handhold as many posters have been through similar. There are some fabulous people whose words, warmth and wisdom make even a tiny difference

Sending hugs to you