Separating after 29 yr marriage: could someone chat?

[Smellisande]

Just that. Feel completely lost and alone.
Everything that I built is ashes.

Thank you so much. This helps. Glad you came out the other side.

I’ve been through this after a long marriage too. Hang in there @Smellisande you can do this. It’ll take time and you’ll have tough moments (exactly as @Ginandpanic says) but you will emerge stronger and happier.
I’d be pretty certain there’s another woman so please proceed with caution. But it’s good you’re seeing a lawyer and have the financial paperwork. Maybe also see your GP for antidepressants? They helped me.
And keep posting! Mumsnet became my lifeline. Good luck 💐

This is exactly it. He has been festering for years, and now he has made the decision for me.

Being a wife IS hard, with all these expectations : to take care of the children, take care of the house, pay attention to your husband etc etc

I often think i would love to have a big important job and come home asking What’s for Dinner??

Sending you my sympathies. It’s very hard if you are in a conservative community. But like others, I survived, I love travelling! Hang on to that hope as something to look forward to. Perhaps you could find a travel group so you can make friendships along the way? Something for later when you have come through the other side.

Also, I remember reading that having a child with a disability increases the risk of marriage breakdown dramatically. In the case of ASD (which my son has) a rate in excess of 80% was cited. So don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s the circumstances.

This was exactly my life, for years! I felt lost when the kids were small. I have only recovered myself recently, but now it's too late.

Oh, OP, I’m sorry. I felt like rubbish after my first marriage ended (we were together from 16; married at 25), and it took a long time for me to get over it — BUT I have, I can’t promise it will be easy, but I do think you can get there. (I was also the first person to get divorced in my family…)

I married at 24. Way too young. It wasn't an arranged marriage btw. I picked him out all on my own!

I am also sad that I likely won't find anyone else. I find intercultural relationships hard- not impossible though- and blended families are likely even harder. So will probably be alone for the next 40 years.

@Smellisande yes, it may be the end of that particular chapter, bit t’s not the end of everything. This is now the start of your NEXT chapter, time to make your life more what YOU want after all these years of caring for other people and putting yourself at the bottom of the list. It takes two to ‘ruin’ a marriage and his refusal to even try counselling, and his hurtful comments to you suggest you are not solely to blame at all. Glad you’re seeing a lawyer on Monday, get those ducks in a line! Then come home and start planning your future.

No you won’t.
but for now don’t think about that.
Focus on yourself and allow yourself to feel your emotions and processes them the best you can
it’s hard but you will get there

I got a divorce after 21 years. At first it feels very strange not having someone to just check in with every day. I had a very difficult 1 year whilst we sorted through everything and covered legal and financial divorce. Then I moved on and surprised myself actually with how quickly I moved on and much better I felt. I was first in my family to divorce and I know my Mum thought I should have tried harder to keep marriage going. My Dad was dead but I just knew he would have said if he is making you really miserable every day leave him. One of the hardest parts for me was telling my Mum. I knew she'd disapprove. After the difficult year I felt like I'd escaped a cage. On the surface I could go where I wanted or do as I pleased but always there was husbands disapproval and expectations I should decline invites and stay home with him. I remarried and been happily remarried for 20 years. Just think of it as a chapter in you life ending but another chapter starts. Make it be everything you wish for.

I can really feel your sense of despair from your posts and I’m so sorry. What I can say is that it WILL get better and you will make a life for yourself that is fulfilling in ways you can’t imagine right now.

My marriage ended just over 2 years ago (wife had an affair with our friend and left for her) and I was so devastated I thought I’d never get back up. Similar to your situation, there was a lot of accusation that I had “made” her do it by not putting her needs first etc. At the time my 2 older kids were late teens and we had a 4 year old together. We both worked but I did 100% of the domestic “work”. I probably did coast a bit in the marriage but I thought we were a team so the affair and leaving was such a shock. She also refused any counselling.

I had a lot of therapy (I still go now - had never had therapy before but this has been so helpful in reframing my mindset). Over the past year I’ve done some dating and although I think I’ll probably be on my own for the rest of my life now (I’m nearly 50), that would be ok. I’d like a relationship but I have a good life. My kids are great, I have a new (good) job and I have time in my life now to please myself some of the time, when before my entire life was work and serving other people’s needs (looking after the kids and house and supporting my wife’s big career). I’ve learned to say no to things I don’t really want to do.

Life is not always as we want it to be, but it can still be good and you may be surprised to find in a year or so that you are happy. The divorce bit is rough though, very hard, so I do recommend therapy especially if you feel you can’t talk to friends or family.

And if you need an uplifting song to listen to, “Still Bad” by Lizzo is perfect for this situation.

I am sitting on the sofa trying to restrain myself from going in there, hugging him and pleading to start again. I know he doesn't want to. I really hate myself for wanting to. I want to find my anger but it comes and goes.

OP, I never thought I would recover when.my first husband left me. But as it turned out, I never looked back. You WILL recover, even though it seems impossible now

Thank you for all the posts. I know I sound a bit pathetic. I think I have to ask him to leave the family home as it's torture having him here after all he's said. It will be very expensive though.

My other option is to go live with my mum.That likely sounds like hell for many but I love her and she's very kind to me. But my solicitor will probably tell me not to leave the family home.

You sounds a bit like my DH, focused on and very able to keep the show on the road. However he also never pays attention, literally when I speak he zones out, even if it's quick practical matter. He also has a tendency to talk and talk without actually connecting with the people in the room as his mind is on things he could or should do. Do you listen to your dh and respond based on 'getting him' and where is comes form? Or is he usually talking to a wall?

Would you be willing to address his needs? Or Do you feel equally fed up and resentful?

I'm sorry for your situation.

To be honest his needs have been met you have moved around for him.

Needs means sex?

Presumably OP, and the children, have also substantially benefited from her DH’s career?

I am finding it really hard to condense 29 years into a few paras, but certainly I have zoned out. There were times I needed to be very practical. DD, for instance, needed a lot of care. She has now graduated uni with a first and is working, but she has a lifelong disability which needs constant medication and attention. Took a while to diagnose, get a grip on it and find the right meds.

By needs he means affection and sex, which I have not exactly withdrawn, but which for many years felt like another chore. I was willing to work on it again now DC have flown the nest, but he isn't. I guess timing is everything.

Certainly I have benefited from his career and so have DC. I contributed my own earnings too but not as much as him. He works in the City; enough said!

It doesn’t take two to ruin a marriage, one person is quite capable (not referring to this thread, just saying fact). However, it does take two to fix it.

I can’t offer advice, I’ve permanently sworn off relationships but I wish you well in your next chapter.

@BunnyLake You’re absolutely right - it just takes one, as so many posts on here proves. It should’ve read ‘it just takes one to ‘ruin’ a marriage.’ I should give up late night posting soz

He wouldn't have been able to sustain that career @Smellisande without you having made the sacrifices you did to stay at home, your contributions have been valuable.

I feel that way. We did an expat stint as well in a difficult country which has allowed us to pay off our mortgage. But he doesn't see that as fulfilling his needs.

I can't convince anyone to appreciate me, I know. Either they do or they don't.

You’ll be fearless after this.
you’ll survive this and you’ll know you can survive anything.
everything moving forward is on your terms now.

I’ve been married 29 years too OP and like you I’m an actions person rather than a constant affection person . When he says about ‘needs’ I think you sound very much as if you were very geared to practical needs, so what he’s talking about is ‘wants’ rather than necessarily needs. I like others suspect he’s had his head turned by someone offering the ‘wants’ - not that makes a difference, but I think you need to reframe this in your head-it’s not you, it’s him. There’s an awful lot you can still do and achieve on your own without some resentful person over your shoulder. I would get very practical personally and be quite jolly - probably will expect you to be all sad and melancholic - I’m afraid the minx in me would be the opposite - concentrate on assets , there are still many things to look forward to , on your terms. At the moment itsall fresh , you need time and space to create a new you . I do feel very positive for you -