Separating after 29 yr marriage: could someone chat?

[Smellisande]

Just that. Feel completely lost and alone.
Everything that I built is ashes.

I will be your buddy. Just found out husband cheated, not at separation stage yet. I will be the first divorced between our collective siblings. Somehow it feels it's even worse for a woman although you will both be divorced!

You can travel op, I intend to. There's more options than ever for safe solo travel....without having to wash his laundry when you come back...

... seriously though, I get it. The bereavement of losing your dream of a shared future, growing old together, all falling away. I'm at ground zero, so I can't say I'm picking up the pieces yet- cuz they're still falling!!

I am not a very affectionate person. I demonstrate affection by actions, not words.

And coming from a conservative community I had no experience of sex before marriage. No sex counsellors back in 1997. So I was crap at that too. Then the kids came along and I was an SAHM for years because he had a big important job and couldnt help at all.. Lots of resentment there which has festered.

What I was good at is keeping the whole show on the road.

Does sound like The Script, no? But I am sure it isn't for various reasons. Nevertheless I am seeing a solicitor on Monday. I have access to all the accounts and am on house deeds.

I feel so sad though because at one point, he really adored me.

Hear you on that! I was also looking forward to so many things together.

Hope you get your travels! Maybe meet up with your sibling and travel together?

Hold on. I'm no sexpert, but generally it takes two iirc...who said you were crap in the bedroom? Do we have to have trip advisor ratings...surely if there's stuff he prefers you figure it out together!

I wasn't a virgin when I got married and in my culture I might as well have been in the Moulin Rouge, believe me that was used against me, so the fact that you weren't experienced in bed should have been a 'good' thing (culturally I mean... obviously it actually does not make an iota of difference to your worth as a human) someone who wants to use something against you, will use anything against you

You had babies so you clearly did the basics right!?!

I am not making light of your situation but I think his words are looming large in your head? Me thinks he's not taking enough responsibility here

I have always kept my own interests and have travelled solo many times. Still feel sad though as we have had so many great trips together.

I am also a near empty nester. DC busy with their own lives. I am coping with menopause. Mum may pass in a few years. It all feels like the end of everything.

Awww op you sound like a lovely person

The end of a marriage is so much like a bereavement

It is the end of some things but will be the beginning of others. Seems you and he are both laying all the blame at your door?

Two years ago I ended my relationship with my husband. We'd been together 27 years and married for 24.

I know you said you're not worried about being shafted but you should be. It's funny how men changed along the divorce process. He's no longer on your team.

I have messed up certainly. But so has he.
Tbh I find being a wife very difficult.
I would be a far better husband.

Not a great timing. Will hopefully mean opportunities too.

This. Sadly expect the unexpected op, forewarned is forearmed - it's sad but possible that things turn ugly in the process, even if you are still kind to him

I'm glad you realise he could have done/be doing more. Is there a feeling that he has worked through his thoughts and now decided the marriage is over and you are still catching up? You could have reached this decision together but it has been made for you.

Sending you hugs OP, you are going through a tough time and coping with a lot! My advice would be don't be too trusting or kind, get proper legal advice and be prepared that he might change and not be the person you thought he was. You need to be your own best friend now and look after yourself.

You are feeling like lots of things are ending and that may be true but also lots of things are beginning - your children are spreading their wings and striking out on their own into adult life. This is exciting and you should feel proud of all the work you have put in to get them here. Your marriage is ending and of course that brings much sadness 😔 but your life is far from over, it's just a new chapter and change is always going to be a part of life - embrace it and use this time to think about reigniting your passions and your dreams. You have brought up a family and put yourself last for many years as mothers do - now is your time to put yourself first. There are many more adventures in front of you - new friends, new experiences, new places, new passions. You feel in darkness now but there will be light at the end of the tunnel - keep looking for it. And look after yourself because you deserve it 💐

What’s the difference between being a husband and a wife?
It’s the same thing, you should want the best for the other person, help them along and love them.
I thought it was the same job description.

I think you were a good wife, you looked after his children. That’s being a good wife and a good person.

Did OP say her DH told her she was crap in the bedroom? It reads as if she just didn’t want sex, and took it off the table, for whatever reason.

It really should be.
But it hasn't been that way. Sigh. Woulda coulda shoulda.

I think being a husband and wife is different in a lot of relationships. It certainly was (notice the past tense) in mine.

Your self esteem is currently on the floor due to what has happened in your marriage. Please do not accept all the blame, it takes two to make a relationship work.

Going forward you need to stop accepting this is all your fault. My exh blamed me when our marriage broke up stating no body likes me, people talk to me out of pity.

Four months later when he asked to come back, I asked him why he was so horrible to me saying no body likes me. He said I only said that to hurt you!!

Hugs to you, take it all day at a time

@doitwithlove Did you get back with him after that?

@3luckystars No, have 100% moved on.

I think we were kept together by the glue of the kids, but now that glue has dissolved.
I feel like a failure. Stupid, I know. I certainly don't consider my divorced friends failures. But I feel like one.

I can totally relate to you OP

i am the first person in my family to divorce, and my ex dh left me after 28 years. I felt like I’d lost everything including any identity.

i cried every day for 6 months.
5 years on i have never been happier. My life is totally different and im a huge fan of divorce. It feels horrific and like the end of the world at the time but trust me it isn’t.
this is your new start. This is all about you now.
give yourself time to feel grief for your old life but make sure you make the best of your new one.

Well if he says that, he sounds like a crap husband. Why was ot up to you to fix stuff?

May be time to find your anger.